Uninvited Guests
by Moczo
Summary: It began so simply.  The 11th Division lost their barracks, and decided to move next door to bunk with the 10th Division.  Surely such an ordinary beginning couldn't draw the entire Soul Society down into an ever-escalating spiral of chaos.  Right?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my second story in the _Bleach _fandom. I'll admit that I'm still rather proud of my first _Bleach_ fic, 'Old Soldiers', which was a semi-serious one-shot piece that relied mostly on the subtle interactions between friends for its humor. It focused on the fairly somber topic of the bond between those who have faced death together and lived to tell of it, and made an effort to at least partially humanize Aizen, taking the viewpoint that he was probably a fairly decent person at some point in his life. It was a fairly low-key, dignified story.

This story is not very much like that at all. In particular, low-key dignity will not be making an appearance.

You have been duly warned.

Chapter 1: Where there's smoke, there's fire. Where there's fire, the 11th Division is probably involved.

Kenpachi Zaraki was not what you would call a deep thinker. It wasn't that he was dumb; quite the opposite. His tactical skill alone marked him as being of above-average intelligence. He just didn't like thinking, much preferring to slam headlong into whatever life happened to throw at him. However, even he appreciated the fact that sometimes, in some things, you were supposed to at least think a LITTLE BIT before you rushed ahead and did it. Not fighting, of course, but SOME things.

Unfortunately, he'd apparently failed to instill even that tiny, insignificant bit of restraint in his subordinates.

"Well, guys. I'd really love to know exactly what happened here." Zaraki said, staring at the raging fire that was currently consuming the 11th Division barracks at an alarming pace. Standing with him were his three primary aides, Vice-Captain Yachiru Kusajishi, 3rd Seat Ikkaku Madarame, and 5th Seat Yumichika Ayasegawa. Sometimes, Zaraki wondered why his 5th Seat was apparently more powerful and respected than his 4th Seat, but knowing Ayasegawa it probably had something to do with the attractiveness of the various numbers, which meant Zaraki really didn't want to know the details. "So talk. I KNOW one of you three was responsible for this."

"How do you know it was us?" Ikkaku protested.

"Because it's ALWAYS you three. Everyone else in the division is too afraid of me to do something this stupid."

"…Point. But you can't blame me for this one; I was in the training grounds. I didn't have access to fire."

"Fair enough. Ayasegawa?"

The effeminate 5th seat sighed. "It IS a rather striking inferno, isn't it? I feel it really brings out my eyes…"

"… are you even listening to me?"

"Hmm? I'm sorry, were you asking me something? I just couldn't help but stare at these delightful flames. They remind me a little of my hair ornamentation." he said, gesturing to the red and yellow feathers attached to his hair and eyebrows. "Now THAT is a fashionable disaster…" Ayasegawa said, drifting off into his own little world again.

Zaraki shuddered slightly. _Freak. _

Ikkaku turned to his friend. "Yumichika, you do realize that all of your clothing and makeup was in there, right?"

THAT got the 5th seat's undivided attention.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU, FLAMES! OH, THE CRUEL WHIMS OF FATE MAKE THEIR TWISTED ATTEMPTS TO STRIP ME OF MY BEAUTY YET AGAIN! ARE YOU **THAT **JEALOUS, GOD?" Ayasegawa screamed, falling to his knees and shaking his fist at the cheerily burning building.

"It'll be okay, peacock-head." Yachiru said consolingly, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm sure you'll find a way to be just as girly and weird without all that stuff!"

"AHEM!" Zaraki cleared his throat, casting his imposing glare at his young charge, who met him with a cheery grin as always. "Yachiru… third times the charm. What did you do?"

The small, pink-haired girl scratched her head thoughtfully, as though considering exactly what to say in this situation. She remained that way for several seconds as she pondered, then looked up at her captain and friend. "It's possible… just possible… that I maybe, MAYBE, was trying to bake a giant, 7,000 pound chocolate cake for myself, and while I was doing it, I got bored and ran off to play and possibly left the fires in the oven burning. Maybe."

"… Maybe."

"It's a theory. And in an unrelated note, I learned that smothering a fire with towels only works if you cover the WHOLE fire. Otherwise, it just makes the towel burn." Yachiru said knowingly.

"Ah."

"Just remember, this is all a theory." Yachiru said seriously.

"Ah-ha. Well, whatever the case, this puts us in an odd situation." Zaraki said. "I didn't have anything I'll miss in there, but the division needs someplace to sleep. Where are we going to find beds for two-hundred people?"

"OH GOD, MY BED IS GONE TOO! HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP WITHOUT MY SILK SHEETS? I HAVE SENSITIVE SKIN!" Ayasegawa wailed.

"… damn it, what have I told you about sharing information about yourself?" Zaraki growled.

"Don't ever share information about myself, because I'm a creepy freak?" Ayasegawa asked.

"Exactly. You think anyone wants to hear about your sensitive skin? I damn sure don't."

"Well, to be fair, I mostly just say things to hear my own voice."

"Well, then talk about something manly, at least!"

Ayasegawa blinked. "Well, I can try. Um… okay… sports, alcohol… moisturizer, facial cleanser…"

"… Okay, new policy, you only talk when I tell you to." Zaraki said, suppressing another shudder.

"Weirdo makes Ken-Chan's face scrunch up like biting a lemon!" Yachiru said helpfully. Then her eyes widened. "Ooooooooh, maybe we can all go get lemonade! And then we can eat it with some sweet buns, and we can go finger-painting, and beat up wimps, and then ride a pretty pony and then fight the pony andthengoshoppingandbeatupshopkeepersandbuysomecandyand…" Yachiru began babbling, picking up speed until she was basically just saying one huge word. Zaraki, recognizing the signs that his Vice-captain was approaching critical babble-mass, reached into his captain's jacket, pulled out a cookie, and shoved it into her mouth whole.

Zaraki didn't much like the prissy, stuck up, 'too good to fight to the death for no reason' Byakuya Kuchiki, but he had to thank the guy for passing on the long-sought secret to making Yachiru shut up. Now if only people would quit stopping him from picking a fight with the jerk, no way could those sissy little cherry blossoms slow him down, and THEN they'd see who the Gotei 13's greatest captain was…

As Yachiru demolished her new-found treat, Zaraki turned back to his subordinates. "Okay, now that we've taken care of all our personal issues, can we do something about this?" He said, waving vaguely at the smoldering ruin behind him. "Come on, I'm not a thinker! You guys are the brain trust here! I need you focused on the matter at hand! Suggestions?"

"Sleep on the ground! Yaaaay, camping!" Yachiru cheered, crumbs still clinging to her face.

"Ha… just close your eyes, and let your instincts guide you!" Ikkaku said, smirking. He gave a thumbs-up sign, the sunlight glinting off his head.

"I would… hmmm… probably commit seppuku out of the despair of losing my home. Beautifully." Ayasegawa suggested.

Silence.

"Okay, why is it you guys give me the same exact advice no matter what the problem is?"

"We do not!" Ikkaku protested.

"Yes, you do! Yachiru suggests I do the most random, simplistic thing that pops into her head, you tell me to 'trust my instincts' or 'use my mind's eye', and Ayasegawa tells me to surrender!"

"Don't you think you're being a little simplistic, sir?" Ayasegawa asked.

"Oh, really? Okay, than advise me on what we should have for lunch today."

"Go out running in a random direction and eat the first thing we happen to run across!" Yachiru cheered.

"We just close our eyes and let our sixth senses guide us to the proper food!" Ikkaku said confidently. He gave a thumbs-up, the sunlight glinting off his head.

"Hmmmm… I suggest we simply give up our hopes of ever being truly happy with our food. Beautifully." Ayasegawa suggested.

"I seriously need to get a better brain trust," Zaraki groaned. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do…

Twenty minutes later…

Toshiro Hitsugaya, Captain of the 10th division of the Gotei 13, put his seal on the last of the day's paperwork and leaned back in his desk. "Wow!" He said cheerfully. "That was easy, and I got it done quickly!"

"That's because I did half of it!" Nanao Ise said.

"Why, Vice-Captain Ise, what are you doing here? You're the vice-captain of the 8th division!" Hitsugaya asked.

"Oh, not anymore! Now I'm your Vice-Captain!" Nanao said cheerfully.

"Really?"

"Yes, really! And unlike your old vice-captain, Rangiku Matsumoto, I actually do my half of the paperwork instead of forcing you to do it all yourself, so it all gets done in half the time!"

"I don't understand! Whatever are you saying?" Hitsugaya asked, mystified by the concept.

"Well you see, Captain Hitsugaya, I take half of the division paperwork, and fill it out myself. Then, you only have to do half of it yourself instead of all of it! And since you're only doing half the work, it only takes you HALF AS LONG."

"You mean…" Hitsugaya said, scarcely daring to give voice to the conclusion he had just reached. "You mean, that I finally have a vice-captain who doesn't come into work hung-over and fall asleep on my couch? Who realizes that if she helps with the paperwork, then we BOTH get more free time? A vice-captain who, in short, does her damn job?"

"Yes!"

"And because of this, I now have the free time to do the things I want to do? To catch up on my reading, to take long walks in the park, to go star-gazing?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Yes!"

"Oh, my…" Hitsugaya said, tears of joy running down his face. "This… this is just so wonderful… it's almost too good to be true…"

"Oh, that's because it is," Nanao said cheerily.

"… huh?"

"I'm sorry sir, but this is just a dream. You're going to wake up now, and Matsumoto will still be your vice-captain." The bespectacled Shinigami said. "Which is really a shame, at least you wouldn't hit on me as much as my real captain…"

"_What_? NO! No, it can't be true! NOOOOOOOOO!"

Hitsugaya sat up at his desk, his eyes shooting open. Sure enough, there was Matsumoto, curled up on the couch he kept in his office, sleeping like a baby. _Dammit… not only does she ruin my dreams, but now she has ME falling asleep on the job!_

To be fair, in most respects, Matsumoto was an exemplary vice-captain. She was clever, skilled in both swordsmanship and kido, and fiercely loyal to him. And although he would never admit it, particularly not to her, he was sort of fond of her. She was such a lively, boisterous presence that it was impossible not to be a little cheerier when she was around.

It was simply that sometimes… particularly now, when the pile of papers on his desk was taller than he was, and he had barely slept the night before… he wished he could have a second-in-command who had Matsumoto's good qualities, but lacked her laziness and borderline-alcoholism. The recent disaster with Aizen (followed by Hinamori's spiral into depression and denial) had left his mind troubled lately, and he would have deeply appreciated some extra time to himself to get his thoughts in order.

_Instead_, he thought bitterly, looking down at the sleeping woman. _I'm left babysitting a woman who's twice my age! I wonder if it's too late to actually trade her in for Vice-Captain Ise? I'm certain captain __Kyōraku wouldn't mind… _Hitsugaya considered the free-spirited, womanizing Captain of the 8th division, then looked over his Vice-captain's revealing robes and gigantic bosom. _Wouldn't mind? He'd probably give me a medal. _Then he sighed a little sadly. More than once, he'd gotten fed up with her antics, got out the transfer papers and filled them out, and prepared to trade her in for a new vice-captain… and then every time, Matsumoto would do something goofy and give that silly grin of hers, and remind him that she was pretty much the closest thing to family he had these days.

Stirring in her sleep, Matsumoto sighed softly. "No, cap'n, I don't know how that inkwell exploded all over me and my papers, you'll just have to go get new copies and fill them all out for me while I go clean off my clothes…" Matsumoto muttered in her sleep.

_My god, is she sleep-slacking? That has to be a new low, even for her. _Hitsugaya thought in awe. Then, struck with inspiration, he leaned down over the sleeping woman and whispered in her ear, "Oh, don't worry Lieutenant, I keep some fresh robes in your size right here in my closet for just such 'accidents'. And I just HAPPEN to have some extra copies of your forms too! You can fill them all out right now. While I watch."

"Hmmmmm! No, no, that's okay, I really should go clean up…" Matsumoto, still asleep, whined.

"And by clean up, you mean go out drinking with Kira, don't you?"

"Well… yeah…" Matsumoto murmured, her sleep now looking considerably less comforting.

"Oh, didn't you hear?" Hitsugaya said, his smirk widening as he went in for the kill. "In response to the growing threat posed by Aizen's faction, all Shinigami must be at top alert status 24/7. All alcoholic beverages have been outlawed in Soul Society until the crisis has been dealt with."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Matsumoto screamed, shooting awake. Her chest heaved as she hyperventilated and a cold sweat had formed on her brow.

"Sleep well?" Hitsugaya asked calmly.

"Oh, Captain, I just had the most horrible dream… and you were there! And Kira! And Renji! And also a monkey."

"Well, now that you're… what? A monkey?"

"We were going to go drinking with the monkey." Matsumoto said vaguely. "Although I'm not sure why…"

"Well, regardless, now that you're awake, do you suppose you could, possibly, finish your work for the day so we can all go home?"

Matsumoto got a wide, fake grin. "Suuuuuuure. Now, where's my inkwell…"

"I had your inkwell glued to the desk. You know, to keep you from 'accidentally' spilling it again."

Matsumoto pouted. "But Captaaaaaaaaaain, all those times really were accidents! I didn't mean to spill ink all over my chest! These things have a mind of their own!" she said, gesturing at her ample chest. "They hurt my back, they make jogging impossible, and…" She lowered her voice to a conspiritorial whisper. "Sometimes, at night, I think I can hear them plotting against me!"

"Uh-huh. Matsumoto, you spend most of your time lying down, so I don't think your back is a huge problem. You would never, ever jog under any circumstances… God alone knows how you aren't fat. And to the last part… I have a question. About how many nights a week are you drunk?" Hitsugaya asked dryly.

"All of them. Why?"

"Yeah, there goes that last part. Although honestly, I think deep down we both knew your rack wasn't planning some sort of rebellion." Hitsugaya said dryly.

"Wow, Captain! You've really put my mind at ease, sir! I'm going to take a few hours of time to really consider my life and think about what you've told me!" Matsumoto said gratefully, walking for the door.

"Yes, yes, you do that." Hitsugaya said sagely. Then he considered exactly what was going on. "NO!"

"Too late!" Matsumoto giggled, pulling open the door and running out. She zipped down the hallway using her flash steps and jumped straight down the stairwell, her Captain hot on her tail.

"MATSUMOTO, GET THE HELL BACK HERE!" the child prodigy roared at his fleeing vice-captain.

Matsumoto took the time to turn her head back, flash a grin at Hitsugaya, and stick out her tongue as she reached the door leading outside the 10th division's barracks. At least until she slammed into a wall.

_Now, who put a wall right outside our door? _Matsumoto thought. _And why is the wall wearing a captain's robes?_

"Hi, kids." Kenpachi Zaraki said, his three primary advisors standing next to him (Or hanging onto his shoulder, in the case of Yachiru)... and the entire 11th division standing behind him in the courtyard. "Mind if we crash here for awhile?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Give your neighbor a helping hand. A hateful, furious hand.

"How the hell did you manage to burn your entire barracks?" Hitsugaya asked in disbelief. He, Zaraki, and their respective vice-captains had gone into Hitsugaya's office.

"Yachiru is a really bad cook." Zaraki said, shrugging as though it didn't really matter.

"Hey! Remember, that was only a theory!" Yachiru protested.

"That's not what I meant!" Hitsugaya broke in. "What I MEAN, is, wood in Soul Society is made of compressed spirit particles. And after these particles have been treated and reinforced for use as building material, especially in the Seireitei, where much greater care is taken, they are virtually impossible to actually burn. It takes an immensely hot fire, like Captain-Commander Yamamoto's Zanpakuto, to burn the material quickly enough that the fire can't be kept under control. So how is it possible that your entire building burned down before anyone took on the fairly simple task of just putting the fire out?"

Silence.

"My division is focused on combat." Zaraki said.

Silence again. Five solid minutes.

"You… you didn't really answer the question, sir." Matsumoto pointed out.

"I know. I was… I was sort of hoping I would think of a good reason during that silence, but nothing really came to mind." Zaraki admitted.

"Oh, oh, I have one!" Yachiru said, raising her hand like a student in class. "Y'see, our division is SO focused on combat, when little things like a fire pop up, we're so focused on combat that our focus on combat keeps us from even noticing the fire, because fire isn't combat, which we're focused on."

"… … …" Hitsugaya said.

"… … …" Matsumoto said.

"Sounds good to me!" Zaraki said.

"Seriously?" Hitsugaya asked doubtfully.

"Hey, it's better than anything I could come up with. Which is… well, a little sad. But she does have a point, we ARE really focussed. And it's that focus that keeps our squad at the top of the ranks in Hollow eliminations, after all!" Zaraki said proudly.

"Yeah, and also the focus that makes you have more casualties than any other three divisions put together…" Hitsugaya muttered under his breath.

Zaraki put his hand on his sword. "What was that?"

"The park is a good locus to casually discuss the weather." Hitsugaya said promptly.

"Um… okay…" Zaraki said, withdrawing his hand.

"Well, now on to our second question… why are you HERE?"

Zaraki and Yachiru looked at him like he was insane. "Well, we need somewhere to live. Where would we go but right next door?" Zaraki asked as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Shiro-chan is silly!" Yachiru agreed.

Hitsugaya winced at that most loathed of nicknames. "CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA."

"What about him?" Yachiru asked. "Why are you talking about a guy who isn't even here, shiro-chan?"

"Captain Hitsugaya is ME! You will refer to me by my proper rank, vice-captain!"

"Hee, Shiro-chan is funny when he's mad!" Yachiru giggled.

_Okay, calm down Toshiro. She's just a kid. Chill. _"Yes. Well. As that may be, I have to wonder why you chose to… grace… us with your presence. Why not the 12th division, if you simply chose to go next door?"

"Oh, come on. Can't you just picture that?" Zaraki asked.

Hitsugaya took a second to picture that.

_Hitsugaya Vision!_

"Why, of COURSE you can stay here, you and your highly fascinating, unusually powerful child vice-captain!" Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Captain of the 12th Division, said jovially.

"Um, thanks, but why did you feel the need to point out Yachiru?" Zaraki asked doubtfully.

"Oh, I didn't, I didn't." Mayuri said, waving away Zaraki's protests. "I didn't point you out at all, you interesting little test subject, did I?" the head of the research division said, patting Yachiru on the head. She, meanwhile, was happily devouring a gigantic sweet bun he'd given her for no apparent reason.

"Did you just call my vice-captain a test…"

"No, no, not at all! I'm sure you just misheard me! Now, Nemu, if you could prepare beds and surgical equipment for all 200 of our guests from the 11th division, we could begin moving them in!" Mayuri told his daughter.

"Yes, sir." The artificial being said calmly, walking off to prepare the surgical theatre… er, spare rooms.

"Why would we need surgical equipment?" Zaraki asked.

"Oh you wouldn't, you wouldn't! Why would you even bring it up? It makes no sense."

"But I didn't bring it up, you…"

"No I didn't, I didn't! You must have simply misheard me again. Perhaps I'll check your ears when I'm examining you later!" Mayuri offered.

"Wait, why would you be examining…"

"I wouldn't, I wouldn't! Captain, I begin to fear something may be genuinely wrong with your hearing."

"This was yummy!" Yachiru said happily, finishing her snack. Then she passed out.

Zaraki narrowed his one exposed eye. "Did you just DRUG Yachiru?"

"No, no! The poor dear must be simply tired. Total coincidence. Now, before we show you to your room, would you care for something to eat?" Mayuri asked, producing a bun identical to the one which had just left Yachiru in a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Okay, look, I don't know what the Hell you're playing at here, but…"

"Captain, I'm hurt, I'm hurt! You don't trust me, a fellow Captain in the Gotei 12!"

"Um… it's the Gotei 13."

"Not for much longer, once your entire division is in my care…" Mayuri muttered.

"What did you just say?"

"Of course you're right! How absent-minded of me! Too much time in the lab, I fear… have a nice yummy snack!" Mayuri said more loudly, holding up the pastry again.

"Why are you so determined to feed me that?"

"I'm not, I'm not. EAT IT!" Mayuri snapped.

Ikkaku ran into the room, a haunted look in his eyes. "Um, Captain? That creepy girl assistant of his just took us to our rooms and… well, all the beds have restraints on them, and they're all covered in blood."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, that's nothing, that's nothing! Just your man's overactive imagination, I'm sure!" Mayuri interjected.

"I didn't IMAGINE us being asked to sleep on bloody surgical tables!" Ikkaku protested. "And when Ayasegawa ate some food she gave him, he passed out! And when I try to ask her what's going on, all she says is that I 'must have misunderstood the situation' and tries to make me eat some of the same food she gave to him!"

"I'm sure that you're just misunderstanding the situation!" Mayuri assured them. Then he waved the food in his hand at them like he was trying to entice a dog to sit. "Eat up! Good boy, who wants some nummy food?"

"All right, that's it!" Zaraki said, drawing his sword. Then he and Ikkaku both passed out.

Nemu poked her head in. "I took the liberty of flooding the complex with anesthetic gas keyed to ignore our spiritual signatures, sir."

"Good, good. Now, this weekend has suddenly become much more interesting…" Mayuri cackled, getting his favorite scalpel ready.

_Back to reality_…

"Ah, that's right. Captain Kurotsuchi is a lunatic. Forgot about that." Hitsugaya said, nodding in understanding. "But still, there must be somewhere else you can go. Squad four is well-suited to handling large groups of people…"

"Don't ask me why, but whenever my boys go there to get patched up, they end up having nightmares for a week. I don't know what Unohana is doing to them over there, and I don't WANT to know." Zaraki said firmly.

"They're scared of Unohana?!" Hitsugaya said in total disbelief. "She's the nicest woman… well, ever!"

"She gave me a lollipop when I got my physical!" Matsumoto agreed.

"Doctor lady totally has the best lollipops. She even gave me two when I got a shot, and patted me on the head and told me how cute I was." Yachiru chimed in.

"Hey, I didn't say I'M scared of her. She's a cute little thing! But my boys are terrified and I'm not sure why." Zaraki interjected.

"Okay… well, maybe the 6th division? Thanks to Captain Kuchiki's wealth, they have the best funding; maybe they could better provide for you?"

Yachiru frowned bitterly at her captain. "**I **would love to go visit Byakushi, but Ken-chan doesn't like him."

"Prissy twit." Zaraki said derisively.

"… how about the 1st division? As the head of the squadrons, they have an obligation to take in any Shinigami in need…" Hitsugaya asked, pretty well grasping at straws by this point.

"Man, you know how far a walk that is? No, this is the best choice. Don't worry, you'll barely even know we're here!" Zaraki claimed.

It was about that second that Ikkaku crashed into the room through the window, landing on the floor in a mess of wood and glass shards.

Matsumoto and Hitsugaya practically jumped out of their skin. Zaraki and Yachiru didn't even seem surprised. "Hi, baldy!" Yachiru said.

"All right, whoever sucker punched me is dead!" Ikkaku roared.

"Um… technically, being shinigami, they already are." Matsumoto pointed out.

"Good point. Okay, whoever sucker punched me is dead AGAIN! You hear me?!" Ikkaku roared, leaping back out the window. Hitsugaya walked to his office window and looked outside, to see what appeared to be every member of both the 10th and 11th divisions engaged in a monstrous brawl. Oh, it wasn't that the 10th was fighting the 11th; rather that every member of both squads was engaged, and seemed to be fighting pretty much anyone that entered their field of vision. Basically, it was raw chaos.

"See? We're already fitting right in!" Zaraki said proudly.

"…Captain Zaraki, you do realize that not EVERY division is a constant, unending brawl?" Hitsugaya said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Well God, what do they do for fun?" Zaraki asked, aghast.

"Things that won't land them in the hospital."

"Jeez, that's just sad. Okay, we definitely have to stay here know, I think we'd both get something out of it. Hell, you're the ones who will benefit the most! After my boys have been here awhile, you'll be amazed at how much more fun this place'll be." Zaraki said.

"MEDIC!" Someone outside screamed.

"Okay, I realize your definition of fun is a little different from most people's, but around here, we usually don't consider compound fractures to be high entertainment…" Hitsugaya replied, watching the carnage outside and grimacing.

"Then YOU…" Zaraki said, kicking his sandals off and putting his feet on Hitsugaya's desk, right on top of the stack of papers he'd been filling out. "…Need to lighten up."

Matsumoto winced. "Oh, not the paperwork…"

Hitsugaya's eye began twitching. This was absurd. The 11th division had been here a grand total of ten minutes, and yet already he could see his efficiency rate plunging. And now that lunatic behemoth had his gigantic sweaty feet all over Hitsugaya's immaculately arranged desk! "Zaraki…" he growled.

"That's the spirit!" Zaraki said. "I'm pissing you off, aren't I? Well do something about it! The biggest problem with you other Shinigami is how repressed you all are! Just let it all out!"

Hitsugaya took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _Okay. Calm down. This madman is trying to pick a fight with you, but you don't need to be fighting a gigantic maniac, you need to get this whole situation under control. This is your headquarters, you need to take charge. You are the cool, collected, prodigy, and you will handle this situation with your usual efficiency and tact. _"Captain Zaraki, we are, as always, happy to aid our fellow Shinigami in any way we can. However, I must please ask that, while in our home, you respect the rules that I set forth as Captain of this division and master of these premises. So please, remove your feet from my desk." Hitsugaya said. _There we go! Cool and collected._

"No."

"GET YOUR DAMN SOCKS OFF MY DESK AND STOP RUINING MY EFFICIENCY RATING, YOU FREAKIN' GORILLA!" _Okay, not so cool that time_.

"Make me, _shiro-chan_." Zaraki said, mockingly.

There it was. The nickname.

In all the wide world, there was nothing that Hitsugaya hated more than being called 'shiro-chan'. Oh, he might not have hated it with the same intensity that he hated, say, Aizen; but he certainly hated it more OFTEN. But from a girl, like Yachiru, he could take it… he'd been desensitized to it by SEVERAL lifetimes worth of 'shiro-chan's' from Hinamori. Besides, girls usually said it affectionately, which sort of softened the blow.

Men did not say it affectionately. They said it mockingly. Hitsugaya found the nickname somewhat more difficult to take coming from them.

Twenty minutes later, after the red haze of fury cleared from Hitsugaya's mind, he awoke to find his office resembling a war zone. Apparently he'd released Hyourinmaru at some point, because there was quite a lot of ice lying around. Also, he couldn't help but notice that his entire body was a mess of cuts and bruises and his robes looked like they had been through a blender. One of his eyes was swollen shut and his right leg was so badly mauled he needed to use his zanpakuto as a cane. Zaraki, for his part, looked like someone had smashed him repeatedly in the face with a bowling ball, and was frozen in a solid block of ice from the neck down. Unlike Hitsugaya, however, he had a huge grin on his blood-smeared face.

"What'd I tell ya? Havin' more fun already." Zaraki said cheerfully, looking for all the world like a partially alive ice sculpture.

Yachiru and Matsumoto peeked up from behind the ruins of his desk. "Shiro-chan and Ken-chan are playing!" Yachiru cheered.

"And havin' a grand ol' time!" Zaraki agreed, that psychotic grin still plastered on his face.

"I... um... I may need a medic." Hitsugaya said, looking at the blood pooling on the floor underneath him. Then he passed out.

Nobody said anything for a few seconds. The silence was finally broken by Matsumoto.

"So… does this mean I can have the rest of the day off?" She asked asked hopefully.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: New roommates are popping up more and more these days

"I'm sure it was a fluke." Hitsugaya said, as Captain Unohana of the 4th division patched up his injuries. Since he couldn't walk on his hurt leg, she had made a special trip down to his barracks.

"Sure it was. Just a fluke." Unohana said soothingly.

"I mean, I haven't been sleeping well lately. I have a lot on my mind, and precious little time to myself anymore. I've been stressed."

"Of course you have. I could provide you with a soothing tea to help you sleep, if you like." Unohana said in a motherly tone.

"Oh, no thank you. I'm sure I'll be fine once things calm down a bit. It's just that they ARE stressed, you know? And as a result, I'm stressed. And when Captain Zaraki goaded me, I responded as any stressed man would."

"You attacked and froze him to the bone with your ice sword?"

"Yes. As… as any stressed man would." Hitsugaya said weakly.

"Any stressed man with an ice sword."

"Yes, any man with an ice sword. I'm terribly sorry it happened, but he WAS asking for it… literally… and it certainly wouldn't have happened under normal circumstances. And these circumstances aren't normal! They're not. Did you know they BURNED DOWN their barracks? That's not normal!"

"No, it certainly isn't." Unohana said in a placating tone.

"I mean, come on! With the exception of Ryujin-jakka, how do you even burn down a building in Seireitei?!"

"Well, they are focused on combat." Unohana reasoned.

"Oh come on! You can't buy that."

"Well, if they were so focused on combat that they didn't notice the fire…"

"Yeah, never mind. Let's just agree that circumstances aren't normal and leave it at that." Hitsugaya said quickly.

"And if they were, you wouldn't have tried to kill Kenpachi?"

"Of course not! It's not as though I fly off the handle over little things like this all the time!"

Unohana stared at him.

FLASHBACK:

"And I am pleased to announce the newest addition to the Captains of the Gotei 13, Toshiro Hitsugaya." Captain Commander Yamamoto announced to the Captain's meeting.

"Wow, at his age? He must be quite the prodigy." Ukitake commented.

"Well, I've heard nothing but good reports from all his prior commanders. And my Vice-Captain seems to be somewhat enamored of him. Calls him 'shiro-chan', and doesn't spend a day without informing me of something or other he's done recently." Aizen said.

"Hee, that's adorable. Ah, young love, how I miss it…" Shunsui Kyoraku said to his compatriots. "So, your nickname is shiro-chan?" he said more loudly, so Hitsugaya could hear.

Twenty minutes later, after the red haze of fury lifted from Hitsugaya's eyes, the first thing he noticed was that Captain Kyoraku had somehow gotten frozen to the wall. He wasn't entirely sure how, relatively certain it couldn't have been him since he had no memory of drawing his zanpakuto. He certainly didn't know why he was currently gripping it so hard his hand was bleeding, and he was absolutely mystified as to why Captains Kuchiki, Ichimaru, and Soi Fong were all pinning him to the floor.

"Flying into a berserk fury over a nickname? Well, he has the right level of mental stability to be a Captain, at least." Ukitake said.

"I was afraid of that. Is it some flaw in my academy that it only seems to produce maniacs?" Yamamoto said sadly.

END FLASHBACK

"Okay, that one time." Hitsugaya admitted. "But I was stressed then too! And it's not like I did any serious damage to Captain Kyoraku."

"Toshiro, you nearly crushed him to death under a miniature glacier." Unohana said.

"… right. Well, at least I didn't do any major damage to Captain Zaraki this time! He's a tough guy."

"You gave him frostbite in both his feet. If I'd gotten to him two minutes later, I would have had to amputate."

"… he could've taken it, I'm sure."

"Oh, yes, I'm sure." Unohana said in a motherly tone. "Toshiro, I understand that you've been stressed lately. I also understand that Kenpachi can be difficult to deal with. He is a rather forceful man." She paused, smiling slightly. "A loud man," she said, her smile shrinking. "A smelly man," Her smile disappeared. "A great, thundering ox of a man, who consistently finds some way to grope me every damn time he gets drunk. And it's not like he fixates on me because I'm in the same bar as him or something. I'm NEVER in a bar, Toshiro. I HATE alchohol, I get drunk one night a year because it's the only time I ever get to spend with my closest friends, and yet that man somehow finds me no matter what bar he's in, no matter what time of day. He's clearly some unholy cross between a human, a gorilla, and a tracking bloodhound. And worst of all, that barely verbal SASQUATCH of a man maintains so little control over that pack of wild dogs he calls a division that they spend their time coming to MY division, picking on MY subordinates who I love like my own children, those disgusting PIGS…"

"Um… Captain Unohana, are you okay?" Hitsugaya asked nervously.

"I'm completely fine, Toshiro. Why do you ask?" Unohana replied, smiling warmly again.

"Because you wrapped the bandage around my arm so tightly that I can't feel my hand."

"… … … as I was saying, I can certainly understand that Kenpachi can be difficult." Unohana continued, pretending Hitsugaya hadn't said anything. "However, you are a Captain, young man. You must set an example for the Shinigami under your command, and this includes aiding your fellows when they ask for it. No matter how… aggravating they may be."

"I understand that, ma'am. As I stated previously, I'm merely stressed. I'm sure that once I get a good night's sleep, I'll be fine."

"Uh-huh." Unohana said doubtfully. "Are you sure you don't want that tea?"

"No, thank you."

"Some warm milk?"

"I'm not a baby!"

"A lollipop for being such a good patient?"

"PLEASE, stop treating me like a child!"

"Want me to kiss your boo-boo?"

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!"

"… are you sure you don't want a lollipop?"

"… … okay, I want it. But I won't enjoy it!" Hitsugaya said indignantly.

"Sure you won't." Unohana said somberly… totally ruining it by ruffling Hitsugaya's hair affectionately.

Hitsugaya groaned. Unohana had to be the most maternal woman in the world, and given his eternal mission to NOT be treated like a kid, this was sometimes aggravating. _On the other hand, she totally has the best lollipops_, he thought, smiling at the candy. He would, of course, not be eating it until he was alone. He wasn't a kid.

"Would you like smiley face bandages for your cuts?" Unohana asked.

"Yes, please." Hitsugaya said cheerfully. Then his eyes widened. "I mean NO! No smiley faces!"

"Whatever you say, _sir,_" Unohana said, adding a joking level of seriousness to the word sir, as one would when speaking to a toddler. Then she ruffled his hair again.Hitsugaya growled a little bit.

A crash sounded from outside the door. "Um… shiro-chan? I hope you didn't like that big, expensive looking vase you kept outside your office." Yachiru said, poking her head into the room. "Oooooooh, lollipops!"

Hitsugaya winced. "Not 'shiro-chan'. NEVER shiro-chan! CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA!"

"Who?"

"ME!"

"Shiro-chan!" Yachiru said proudly.

"I WASN'T ASKING YOU WHO I AM!"

"Well, that's good. I'd hope that by now, you know you're shiro-chan." Yachiru said.

"GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hitsugaya roared, ripping out a handful of his hair.

"… can I have a lollipop?" Yachiru asked.

"Of course, dear." Unohana said maternally.

"Yay, doctor-lady!" Yachiru cheered. Rather than waiting for one, she grabbed the candy out of Hitsugaya's hand and shoved it in her mouth "Mmmmm… doctor lady totally has the best lollipops."

"Yes. Yes she does." Hitsugaya said, teeth gritted.

"Are you _sure_ you don't want the soothing tea?" Unohana asked.

"… I think I'll take it after all."

* * *

It had never really made much of a difference to him before, but today, to Hitsugaya, one of the best things about being a Captain… no, THE best thing… was that he didn't have to sleep in the division barracks.

Maybe the 11th had infested his barracks and headquarters, but he was a Captain! Which meant he had his own house elsewhere in the Seireitei! Work may have become a… slight problem, but at least home was safe. Sighing, and resolving to drink that damn tea and get a good night's sleep for once in the last month, Hitsugaya turned the key in his home's door and opened it. _Peace._

"Oh Captaiiiiiiiiiiin…" An all-too-familiar voice said.

_Oh, no. No, no, no. Maybe if I pretend I didn't hear, and just go into my room and close the door…_

"I have great news, Captain!" Matsumoto bubbled, somehow managing to interspace herself between him and his open door before he could step through it.

"Matsumoto, I am tired, and my whole body aches. I just want to sleep and forget the fact that raw, undiluted Hell is most likely waiting for me in the office tomorrow. Please, PLEASE, can't this wait?"

"Nope! This is the sort of hyper-important ultra-news that just has to be shared as soon as you get it!" Matsumoto said, smiling brilliantly and giving a 'V for Victory' sign.

"But…"

"Greatest news ever!"

"But…"

"Stop the presses, this is front page material!"

"But…"

"Extra, extra, read all about it! Rangiku Matsumoto, vivacious and beautiful young Shinigami vice-captain, has the story to end all stories!"

"All right, all right! What's so phenomenally great?!"

"I lost my room!" Matsumoto said cheerfully.

Hitsugaya paused. "… huh?"

"My room at the barracks! I lost it!" Matsumoto said with the same cheerfullness.

"I heard you the first time. HOW did you lose your room?"

"I let Yachiru have it! All the rooms at our barracks have three or four people, thanks to all our guests today, and I couldn't let a little girl sleep in the same room with a buncha big sweaty guys, so I let her have my room! I mean, the poor little dear's home is gone, the least I can do is let her have a bedroom all to herself while they rebuild it."

"Yes, that's very nice, I'm sure… although I'm not sure Vice-Captain Kusajishi was all that scarred by the loss of her home. She may have already forgotten it burned down..."

"Oh, trust me. I can tell these things." Matsumoto said mysteriously.

"… right. But more to the point, where are YOU going to sleep?"

Matsumoto got very quiet.

"Matsumoto?"

Silence.

"Matsumoto, what's the… oh." Hitsugaya said, realization dawning. "Oh NO."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" She whined. "Renji's in the human world, Kira's place smells funny, and Hisagi is all grabby! You gotta let me stay here!"

"Matsumoto, that is entirely and utterly inappropriate! You CANNOT stay here! Absolutely not!" Hitsugaya said firmly.

Matsumoto thought about that for a second. Then she started to unfasten her robe.

"DAMMIT, STRIPPING IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!" Hitsugaya roared, blushing furiously and covering his eyes.

"It won't?"

"NO! YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT AN ALL-PURPOSE PROBLEM SOLVER!"

"Really? But they've always worked in the past." Matsumoto said, a little confused.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

"All right, all right. But you're turning down a great deal." Matsumoto said glumly. "Lots of men would chop off their own hands to see what YOU could've seen for the price of letting me crash at your place for a few days. Now I suppose I'll just… wander," she continued, giving him her best puppy-dog eyes. "Sleep in the dirt… all alone… it's a shame really…"

"Yep, shame." Hitsugaya said, brushing past her and slamming the door behind him.

_Oooooooh, that little jerk! Why does he always have to be such a stick in the mud?! Now where am I gonna sleep?! _Matsumoto thought. Then thinking of sleep, of course, made her think of work, where she got most of her best sleeping done anyway. _Hmmmmmmm… _she thought, coming up with a new game plan.

"You know, it's a shame. If you let me sleep here, then you could be certain I don't go out drinking tonight, and make absolutely sure that I won't come in hung-over tomorrow." Matsumoto said loudly.

Hitsugaya opened the door.

_Bingo!_ She thought triumphantly. "Just a second, gotta get my stuff!"

* * *

"You told me," Hitsugaya said crossly, surveying the massive pile of cheap junk that was filling his living room, "That you left Vice-Captain Kusajishi with your room. You didn't tell me you brought everything inside it with you."

"What, like I'm gonna leave all my best stuff with a hyperactive little kid? I'm not stupid!"

"Your 'best stuff'? What IS all this junk?"

"My stuff! There's my favorite teddy bear, my tuba, extra robes for work, my Jushiro Ukitake Calender from the Shinigami Women's Association, my lucky rock, my 'Guide to Soul Society's Greatest Bars', my collection of outfits that people in the material world wear to seduce each other… remind me to show you 'naughty schoolgirl' later, it's my favorite…" she purred, batting her eyes.

"I can always throw you out, remember."

"You know, you're always so bitter about Aizen, when you forget there's something you should thank him for. Now that he took Kaname Tosen with him, you've lost your biggest competition for 'Most Boring Man in Soul Society'." Matsumoto pouted.

"The door is right over there…"

"All right, all right! Jeez. 'Stick in the mud' is an understatement." Matsumoto sighed. "Well, I'm going to turn in early; it's been a very trying day, and I'm really tired, and you're no fun to talk to. G'night!" she chirped, walking into Hitsugaya's bedroom.

"HEY! That's MY bed!"

"Well, you don't expect a delicate lady to sleep on the couch, do you?"

"You sleep on the couch all the time!"

"Yes, but that's at work, when I'm sleeping off my hangover! I'm not used to actually SLEEPING at night, so I need a nice comfy bed to help me."

"Well, you can't have mine!"

Matsumoto started to slip off her robe.

"OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TAKE THE COUCH!" Hitsugaya shouted, covering his eyes.

"See? My boobs totally DO solve all problems!" Matsumoto chirped, stepping into his bedroom and closing the door behind her.

Hitsugaya lied down on his couch and sighed. "What was I thinking earlier," he muttered, "About home being peaceful?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Isn't sleeping supposed to make you LESS tired?

The snoring was making things harder.

Sleeping on the couch was not an easy thing in the first place. Sleeping on the couch when you haven't slept on one in years was even more difficult; especially considering that Hitsugaya rarely used his couch, spending most of his time at the office, meaning it was unfamiliar and not well-worn.

And unfortunately, somewhere in the pile of junk that Matsumoto had brought with her was a cuckoo clock that made a sound like a parrot begin beaten to death with a screaming monkey, every hour on the hour. Hitsugaya, for the life of him, couldn't find the damn thing among the pile of tacky crap that his Vice-Captain had left in his living room. So in any case, sleeping on the couch was much harder tonight than usual.

But the snoring was the worst part.

For all her feminine appearance, Matsumoto snored like a wildebeest. And Hitsugaya, sadly, had no idea WHY. Matsumoto had fallen asleep in his office pretty much every day for… he didn't even know how LONG, every day with her was like a week with anyone else, which made keeping track of time problematic… and never once had she snored. So why now? Why NOW, when he actually needed her to be quiet for once?!

He covered his head with a pillow. No good. He shoved a blanket under the door to try to drown out the noise, but that was even less effective. Makeshift earplugs were constructed from cottonballs, but to no avail. Even a combination of the above three was utterly without success. So not only had Matsumoto developed an entirely new snoring problem especially for him, but apparently it was some sort of intense, supersonic powered snore that could pierce solid matter and burn its way directly into his brain. _Maybe if I put a pillow over HER head, taking special care to cover her mouth and nose… _he thought darkly. Then he sighed. _No, no, murder isn't the answer. We learned that earlier today, didn't we? We shall simply have to live with the noise. It isn't THAT bad. I mean, we have faced death, looked into the unfeeling eyes of killers and struck at them without fear in our heart. Compared to this, a little snoring is no problem at all._

Matsumoto's snoring suddenly increased in volume to the point it was actually making his couch move slightly.

_On the other hand, maybe the snoring actually IS worse than Aizen tickling my lungs with his sword. At least that was over with quick! As quick as smothering Matsumoto… no, no that's bad. But... nobody said I have to murder her. I could just gag her. _He thought, getting up and tearing a strip of fabric from his blanket. _The way that woman sleeps, she probably won't even wake up. And if she does, and wonders what I'm doing… well, murder is always an OPTION, even if it isn't the best one._ Satisfied with this new course of action, Hitsugaya walked over to his hijacked bedroom, opened the door, and stepped in.

The snoring stopped.

"… huh?" he said, openly confused. _Well, that's odd. But at least she stopped. _He thought, pleasantly surprised. He turned around and stepped back out of the room.

The snoring began again. In earnest. In fact, he could actually feel it making his skeleton vibrate a little bit.

_Okay, this is just absurd. _He stepped back into the room, and the snoring stopped again. He stepped out, and it once again redoubled. _You must be joking, _he thought. Because surely, this almost had to be somebody's idea of a joke. Because the only other explanation he could think of was completely ludicrous. Certainly, the explanation couldn't be that Matsumoto only snored when he wasn't in the same room as her.

_Although, that WOULD explain why she never snored when sleeping in the office…_Said the evil little voice in the back of his mind that existed to make him unhappy. It had been chatting with him a lot lately.

_God dammit, the woman is even an inconvenience when she's asleep… _Hitsugaya grumbled back to his own mind. Gathering up his blanket and pillow from the couch, he set them down on the floor in his… well, Matsumoto's now… bedroom to create a makeshift sleeping bag. Settling down on the floor… the hard, cold floor… he sighed and did his best to get comfortable. Putting in a reminder to himself to get a thicker carpet put in, he tossed and turned until he found a position that kept him underside comparatively well padded from the floor. It wasn't exactly perfect, but at least it was serviceable, and now that the room was quiet, his intense fatigue was at last letting him drift off to sleep.

Right up until a delicate foot slammed into his stomach.

"URK!" he said eloquently, sitting up and clutching his midsection in pain. Matsumoto, for her part, continued on to the bathroom apparently not noting in her half-awake state that she had just managed to stomp on her Captain.

As Hitsugaya breathed deep, trying to get back the wind that had just been knocked out of him, he took stock of the situation. _Okay, okay. That wasn't her fault. She had no way of knowing that I would be laying here. How could she know? I'm between her and the door, it's not a problem. I'll just move to the other side of the room to avoid this happening again. _Once again satisfied with his course of action, he moved his little sleeping bag thing to the other side of the bed so he was no longer between the door and the bed. Once again, he laid down and attempted to sleep.

The snoring began again.

_WHAT THE HELL?! _Hitsugaya thought, shooting fully awake again. Getting up, he checked his bed to find it totally empty of unwanted roommates. _Oh, come ON! _He thought in exasperation, going into the living room where Matsumoto had (Why the Hell not?) fallen asleep ON THE COUCH. Naturally, of course, her insane snoring stopped when he entered the room.

Sighing, Hitsugaya moved his makeshift bedding yet again, making DAMN sure not to put it between Matsumoto and anywhere she might possibly need to walk during the night. He set down to sleep for the third time.

"Mmmmmm… bear…" Matsumoto whined.

_Sleep talking again? _Hitsugaya thought dully.

"Bear… where? Bear. BEAR!" Matsumoto suddenly shrieked.

"GAH!" Hitsugaya started, jumping up at the sudden scream. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"BEAR!"

_What is she going on about now?! She… she… oh, she can't be serious… _he thought angrily, remembering that she had, in fact, brought a teddy bear with her when she'd arrived in his home. And, sure enough, she wasn't holding it. Sighing for what seemed like the millionth time that night, Hitsugaya went back to his bed, where she had been sleeping, and recovered the fluffy brown stuffed bear. Taking it back into the living room, he looked at the plush animal and whispered, "Your mommy had better appreciate the crap I put up with for her!"

He looked down at Matsumoto and sighed yet again. Typically (for her, anyway) her 'pajamas' were more like lingerie than normal sleepwear; a lacy, loose fitting negligee. But in total contrast with the provocative nightwear, she actually looked a little childish in her sleep. Curled in a fetal position, with an expression of intense worry on her face and muttering for her teddy bear. He smiled… just a little!... and put the bear next to her where she could grab it.

Her hand clamped around his wrist.

"What the ULF!" Hitsugaya said, eloquently, as he suddenly found himself wrestled onto his own couch. Despite any number of shortcomings in other areas, Matsumoto was a physically impressive woman. Certainly, she was showing truly surprising strength and speed for a sleeping woman.

"Bear!" Matsumoto chirped in a satisfied voice, still asleep. She had gathered up Hitsugaya in her arms and was cuddling him like a teddy bear, her face buried in his hair.

Hitsugaya was in his pajamas, which were rather thin in comparison to his normal Shinigami robes, Matsumoto was in basically underwear, and they were, for all intents and purposes, spooning. He was enough of a man to admit that under normal circumstances, he'd be blushing so fiercely his face would catch fire.

These, however, were not normal circumstances, and Hitsugaya was most certainly not blushing. This was partially because circumstances had rendered his nearness to a half-naked woman to be the LAST thing on his mind, but mostly because Matsumoto had made it physically impossible for him to actually BE blushing.

Specifically, one of her delicate (yet surprisingly powerful) arms was wrapped firmly around Hitsugaya's neck, putting him into sort of a nocturnal headlock. He wasn't blushing because the flow of blood to his head was cut off by an arm that felt like a steel cable. _Why doesn't she use this much effort when she's awake?! _Hitsugaya thought desperately, trying to pry the offending limb off his neck. "Matsumoto… air… help…" he gasped, turning an interesting shade of blue.

"Bear." Matsumoto said happily. If it was possible, her grip got even tighter

"I… hate… you…" Hitsugaya managed to growl, as his vision began to blur. He realized he was probably hallucinating, but the actual teddy bear seemed to be smiling in relief that it had been knocked on the floor in the struggle. Hitsugaya couldn't blame it.

"Growly bear." Matsumoto giggled, remaining blissfully asleep and oblivious to her suffocating captain.

Hitsugaya passed out.

* * *

As he awoke in the morning, Hitsugaya could only marvel at the fact that apparently he'd gotten a really great pillow at some point.

It was soft, and warm, and incredibly comfortable. It certainly made sleeping on the couch better. Heck, it even smelled nice! It seemed to move a little on its own, but that was okay. Sort of like a massage feature, even! Groggily, he nestled back into his pillow a little bit to fall back asleep.

"Well, good morning stranger." Matsumoto purred in his ear.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Hitsugaya screamed, leaping off the couch where he had been using his vice-captain as a pillow.

"Sleep well?" Matsumoto said, eyes glittering mischievously.

_NOW _he was blushing. "I… I… you… we… strangle… bear!" He stammered.

"Hmmmmm?" Matsumoto questioned, that smug smile still plastered on her face.

"STOP SMILING!" Hitsugaya snapped. "Absolutely nothing happened that anyone should be smiling about! This was… this was an accident, nothing more!"

"Oh, don't be so shy, captain! I understand! You're a young man, hormones raging, it's only natural you'd be attracted to a beautiful older woman like myself…" Matsumoto said.

"I am NOT attracted to YOU!" Hitsugaya roared.

"Oh, really? Then why were you all cuddled up to me in just those pajamas? You even had your head between my–" Matsumoto began, her smile becoming downright wicked.

"I DID NOT!" Hitsugaya shouted, blushing harder than he ever had in his life.

"I think I would know. And heck, I was even sober." Matsumoto said mildly.

"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW! YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE!"

"Ah, why do you have to be so cold? We just cuddled a lil'…"

"No, we didn't! You attacked me, tried to strangle me, and held me against my will! It was assault! Attempted murder!" Hitsugaya proclaimed.

"You know, if you always react like this when you wake up next to a woman, you'll have a really hard time keeping your next girlfriend…"

"My next…? YOU ARE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"Oh, so then this was just 'fun' to you?! It didn't mean anything?!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"  
"I thought we HAD something! I thought we'd really connected! But now I find out you're just toying with my heart?!" Matsumoto snapped, now totally serious. Tears were forming in her eyes.

"Um… Matsumoto, I'm… sorry?" Hitsugaya said, concerned by the pain in her voice.

"Just… just leave. I don't want to see you right now."

"All right, I'll… I'll just go." Hitsugaya said guiltily, leaving the house.

Matsumoto smiled, and began counting. "I give him five seconds. One, two, three, four, five…"

Hitsugaya walked back into the house, scowling in rage. "You're making fun of me, aren't you?"

"Sorry, it was just too much fun to stop…" Matsumoto said, her wickedly amused smile returning in full force.

"It was most certainly not fun. It was cruel and unbefitting a Shinigami vice-captain," Hitsugaya said seriously. "… Although I'll admit I am rather impressed you can cry on command."

"Oh, that's nothing. I just think about koalas."

"… Huh? Why... why do Koalas make you sad?"

Matsumoto rolled her eyes, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "As if you really have to ask. Seriously though, sir, don't get all bent out of shape over what happened last night. Because, well, nothing DID happen. Hell, I even slept really well! So just forget about it."

"No, no. You're a guest and I… my actions were entirely innappropriate towards a lady in my household, no matter the circumstances. Granted, you aren't much of a lady, but I still feel as though I've insulted you. I apologize." Hitsugaya said solemnly.

"Awwww… you're so cute when you try to act all serious and grown-up, sir!" She replied, ruffling his hair.

"I am not!" he growled in return.

"Yeah, you are." she said, pinching his cheek affectionately.

"Ow! Matsumoto, seriously, stop."

"That's not what you said last night…"

"I… I… I…" Hitsugaya said, blushing full-force once again. "But I thought… you said… Oh. OH. Matsumoto, I seriously hate you sometimes." Hitsugaya growled.

"B-but, I thought w-we were in love…" Matsumoto said, tears filling her eyes.

Hitsugaya narrowed his eyes. "That trick only works once."

"Oh well. It was funny anyway!" She replied, once again cheerful. Springing up from the couch, she happily skipped over to his bathroom to clean up before work.

"I really, really need to see about replacing her," Hitsugaya said ruefully. "That woman is entirely too much of a handful."

"Now that, you DID say last night!" Matsumoto shouted from the bathroom.

"I… you… we… I…" Hitsugaya spluttered. Then he sighed sadly. _She's really, really very loyal. Think about her loyalty, not her other… assets._ _Do it! _Not for the first time, he cursed the decision to give him a female vice-captain when his age meant he was, basically, a walking hormone bomb. He didn't think of Matsumoto in that way, he really didn't, but she WAS attractive, and he really didn't have much experience with women, making him an easy target for her teasing. He probably wouldn't have minded so much if she hadn't been so gleefully sadistic about it, but still…

"Oh, Captain sir, if you don't mind, I'm drawing a bath in here, and I could use a little help scrubbing my back…" Matsumoto said in a sing-song voice.

_Aaaaaaaaaand I'm blushing again! Perfect! _Hitsugaya thought angrily as his face reddened.

"You are so easy." Matsumoto said triumphantly, seemingly knowing his reaction without ever looking outside the bathroom.

_Dammit, Hitsugaya, take back the power! Don't let her play you like that! Yeah, she's nice to look at, but focus on something else! Think about her flaws! She has lots of flaws, focus on those!_

Just then, however, an ear-splitting crash resounded from his bathroom. "Um… sir…" Matsumoto began. She no longer sounded gleeful. "I was… um… taking my pajamas off to get in the bath, and they got caught in my hair, and I was trying to get them out, and… long story short, you didn't like that big, expensive-looking mirror you had hanging over your sink, did you? Because it's… not hanging there anymore. For mysterious reasons that we won't go into now."

_Yes. _Hitsugaya thought, teeth gritted and fists clenched, his face turning red for reasons that had NOTHING to do with embarassment. _She definitely has flaws._

"Um... let's say, theoretically, that when the mirror fell off the wall, it broke a huge chunk out of your floor. How angry would you be?" Matsumoto asked.

_Many, MANY flaws._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Perils of the Work Environment

Ordinarily, a Shinigami courier using a wagon delivered the dozens upon dozens of various combat logs, requisition forms, order communiques, post assignments, and progess reports to the separate divisions. But today, Hitsugaya had decided to do him a favor and pick up the paperwork for both his own and the 11th divisions, and carry it back to the barracks himself.

Not that he had done it out of any concern for the courier.

Not that HE was actually carrying any of it.

Struggling under the weight of a solid hundred pounds of paper, and covered with dust from trudging along the road, Matsumoto sighed. "Captain, while I can admit that I sorta had this coming, please understand that I feel this punishment is out of proportion to my offense.

"Really? You feel that having to carry some stuff is unfair punishment for you invading my home, ruining my sleep, mocking me ruthlessly for what essentially amounts to you nocturnally assaulting me, and then breaking an antique mirror that my former captain gave me upon me promotion?"

"… … um, you're saying it all wrong."

"Really?"

"Yes. You see, the way you put it makes me look really bad. But in reality, you have to consider that I wouldn't have done any of that stuff if YOU hadn't let me stay in your house! Therefore, I'm being punished for something that is YOUR fault, and consequently I am going to make you suffer for this."

Walking along happily next to her, Hitsugaya smiled. "If you want to keep living in my house, you'll do nothing of the sort."

"Oh, you're an evil little troll. But you mark my words, the SECOND I have my own room back…" Matsumoto drifted off, muttering darkly.

"Matsumoto, please. This officially marks the first time you've done any real work since coming under my command, take it with some grace."

"I do work all the time! It's just, y'know, field work. I don't do well in an office environment!"

"You don't do ANYTHING in an office environment." Hitsugaya quipped.

"… heh. You know, that was actually a little funny!" Matsumoto chuckled. "You see, we're roomies for one night and already I've got you cracking jokes! I AM a good influence on you."

"I'm a better influence on you."

"How do you figure that?"

"Are you currently hungover?"

"Nope."

"I'm a better influence on you." Hitsugaya said firmly.

"That's arguable. Being hungover makes me sleep better, I feel," Matsumoto argued.

"Well, you're going to have to stop sleeping at the office, so it's for the best you aren't hungover at the moment." Hitsugaya said grimly.

"… … wait. Sir, when I said that if you let me sleep in your house, I wouldn't sleep in the office, I was just, y'know… what's the word? Ah, yes, lying! I was LYING to you."

"Matsumoto, the sad fact is that I need you to help me maintain order. The 11th Squad… well, they're rather energetic. A tad bit boisterous. Somewhat… well, let's not mince words, they're a pack of destructive barbarians who have more in common with a family of baboons than a proper Shinigami division, and Zaraki does jack-squat to keep them in line. We have our work cut out for us playing host to them, and I really need you in-line with me until they're gone." Hitsugaya said fervently.

"Oh, come on, sir. They're certainly an energetic bunch, but Renji used to be in that division and he's okay. I mean, if he's a typical example of an 11th division member, how bad could they be?"

Just then, the pair turned a corner and the 10th division barracks came into view.

All of the windows were broken, the one exception being a lone second story window… which promptly shattered as Ikkaku came flying out of it. "ALL RIGHT! I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS SUCKER PUNCHING ME, BUT I'M WILLING TO KICK **ALL **YOUR ASSES TO MAKE SURE I GET HIM!" He screamed after he landed and dusted himself off, running back into the building on the ground floor. The majority of the exterior was covered in toilet paper, and what appeared to be chocolate pudding was pouring in a small stream off the roof. Also, the entire compound had somehow been painted bright pink, including the parade grounds in front of the building and the potted plants scattered around the outside. Several horses trotted freely in and out of the building, with wooden horns tied to their heads to create impromptu unicorns. Judging by the smell hanging in the air, SOMETHING nearby had been set on fire recently.

Matsumoto's eyes widened. "But… but they were only here for one night!"

"Apparently," Hitsugaya growled, "Vice-Captain Abarai is just about the most somber, restrained individual this particular division has ever seen."

"That," Matsumoto shuddered, "May be the most horrifying thing I've ever heard."

* * *

"Giddyup, Sugarplum!" Yachiru said cheerfully, riding a pony. Granted, she was riding the pony in Hitsugaya's office, rather than upon an open pasture where a pony was more likely to be found, but neither Yachiru nor the pony seemed to particularly mind.

Others were not so forgiving.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi." Hitsugaya growled, his tone of voice suggesting that it was taking all his willpower to keep from strangling Yachiru.

"Who?"

"YOU!"

"… shiro-chan?"

"Oh, now you're not even making sense! Not that it was a major priority in your life, but still…" Hitsugaya snapped.

"Captain, maybe you should let me handle this? You've been stressed recently…" Matsumoto offered.

"I… I… sure. Okay. Whatever. I'll admit I'm not great with kids, so you can deal with this." Hitsugaya said.

"Okay, I'm on it!" Matsumoto said confidently. Walking up to Yachiru, she said, "Hi, punkin!"

"Hi, big-boobies! Thanks for the room!"

"You're welcome, sweetie. Now, on another note, you've got a pony there."

"Yup."

"That's not really allowed inside, hon."

"Oh. Well, it's all right. She's not hurting anyone."

"Fair enough," Matsumoto agreed. Turning back to Hitsugaya, she said, "The pony isn't hurting anyone. It's cool."

Silence.

"Good job, Matsumoto." Hitsugaya said cheerfully.

"Oh, thank you!" Matsumoto replied happily.

"A flawless performance, except for one, minor, detail."

"What was that?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING!" He roared.

"… … well, the pony really ISN'T hurting anyone."

"OF COURSE IT ISN'T! IT'S A PONY! IT COULDN'T HURT ANYONE IF IT TRIED!"

"I'm glad we agree on this."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT THERE'S A PONY IN MY OFFICE!"

"Well, obviously."

"**THE PONY SHOULDN'T BE THERE!"**

Sugarplum walked over to Hitsugaya and began nuzzling him. "Aw, she likes you!" Yachiru said.

"I… I… I… good girl." Hitsugaya grumbled, rubbing the pony's nose. Sighing resignedly, he said "Lieutenant Kusajishi, where is your captain? I'd like to have some… words with him."

"Ooooh, are you and Ken-chan gonna fight again?"

"No, of course not… Actually, I might as well be honest, here. We might. Probably. In fact, yes, we're gonna fight again." Hitsugaya admitted.

"That's nice! Ken-chan will like that! Unfortunately, you'll have to wait until he gets back, 'cause he's out." Yachiru said gleefully.

"Ah. So, he just left his entire division here in someone else's house to run around like chickens with their heads cut off? I really wish I could say that surprised me. Do you happen to know where he went?"

"None may know where Ken-Chan goes. He is wild and mysterious, and his ways are the darkest of secrets. He comes and goes like the wind." Yachiru said dramatically.

Meanwhile…

"WHOOOO!" Zaraki shouted, waving an empty bottle of saké. "Barkeep, get me another one! My lady here's thirsty!"

"Um… sir… this isn't a bar, it's our headquarters… and how did you get in here?" Hanataro Yamada asked nervously.

"If I hadn't taken the hippocratic oath," Unohana growled at Zaraki, who had his arm around her shoulder and was crushing her to his chest. "I would make you eat your own kidneys."

Back at the Barracks…

"Like the wind." Yachiru said again.

"What was I thinking? Of COURSE he wouldn't tell anyone where he was going! That would be SANE! I swear to God…"

"Now, now, Captain, this might be a good thing!" Matsumoto chimed in. "Remember, Captain Zaraki was not exactly… cooperative. Maybe if he's not here, we'll have more luck getting this whole mess under control!"

"… … you know, for once you may actually be right!" Hitsugaya said brightly.

"… Thanks?"

"If Zaraki isn't here, he can't get in the way! Because he isn't here! It's perfect! I'm so glad I thought of it!" Hitsugaya said.

"But **I **thought of it." Matsumoto said.

"Oh, wow, the ground outside is really hard, isn't it? Too bad you have to sleep there…"

"Oh, I'm sorry! You're right, sir, you sure are clever!" Matsumoto said, feigning cheerfulness. _I'm going to make you suffer for this, sir. _She thought. _Suffer SO much._

"Yes, yes I am. Now, let's begin the task of exercising order over this chaotic teeming mass of idiots!" Hitsugaya proclaimed.

A Hell Butterfly drifted in through the window. "Emergency communication for any and all Shinigami officers available, urgent from Training Platoon 6 on field training to the material world." the insect chimed.

"… … … okay, we'll exercise order AFTER we hear this. What's going on with the training squad?" Hitsugaya inquired impatiently.

"This Hell Butterfly is flying Collect. Will you accept the charges?" The Butterfly inquired.

"Oh, for the love of… FINE!" He snapped, handing the Butterfly a handful of coins. "Stupid cheapo students and their collect calls…"

"You have the following message from Shinigami Academy Student Tomi Shishido," the Butterfly chimed. "**HEEEEEEELP! OH GOD, THERE'S A HUGE FREAKIN' HOLLOW AND IT'S GOING TO EAT US ALL! SOMEONE, ANYONE, COME SAVE US FROM DYING! OH JESUS IT HAS MY LEG! AAAAAAAAH! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER… NO, DAMMIT, IT GOT WORSE! THIS IS DEFINITELY WORSE! YEARRRRRGH! **

**"**End of message." The butterfly chimed, fluttering off cheerfully.

"… … okay, the next time we have a meeting, I'm putting it in the suggestion box that we start sending fully trained officers with these stupid field trips. We lose way too many students that way." Matsumoto said firmly.

"Dammit." Hitsugaya growled. "If they just sent the message randomly, we might be the first ones to get it. Matsumoto, take care of things here, I'm going to the material plane gate to get those kids out of there."

"Captain, I can't just let you go alone!"

"Rangiku, I need you to maintain some semblance of order here. Relax, it's only one Hollow. Even at one-fifth power, that's no problem for me."

"Sir, I hardly think we can trust the rantings of a student who was actually IN THE PROCESS of being eaten. We have no idea what's waiting there! If you don't take me, at least take SOMEONE!"

"OOOOOOOOH, OOOOOOOH!" Yachiru said cheerfully. "PICK ME, PICK ME! I WANNA GO PLAY!"

Hitsugaya looked as though nothing had ever terrified him more.

"Actually, she's not a bad choice." Matsumoto said thoughtfully. "I mean, she has to be a vice-captain for SOME reason…"

"Matsumoto, you can't seriously be agreeing with her."

"Wanna go!" Yachiru proclaimed, striking a pose she clearly deemed to be heroic. "Ready to save the day!"

"But… but shouldn't she stay here? She is a vice-captain, and her captain is gone, so she has… responsibilities. To work at."

As if to further undermine this already fairly pathetic reasoning, Sugarplum the Pony snuffled.

"Call me crazy, but I don't think her responsibilities are too pressing." Matsumoto said.

"Come on, Shiro-chan!" Yachiru said, leaping straight off of Sugarplum's back and onto Hitsugaya's to ride him piggy-back. "Glory awaits!"

"It sure does, Shiro-chan!" Matsumoto agreed, clearly struggling not to laugh at the sight of her Captain with the small pink-haired girl hanging off his shoulder.

Hitsugaya sighed sadly, looking back at Yachiru. "You won't be taking 'no' for an answer, will you?"

"I never have in the past." Yachiru said serenely.

"I was afraid of that."

"Remember, when I'm sending her on this mission with you, it's only out of concern for your well-being." Matsumoto said serenely, with a sadistic twinkle in her eye.

"Oh, I realize that." Hitsugaya said, a similar gleam of evil in his eye. "And it is with FULL FAITH in your abilities that I leave you here, to create some measure of order in the raging ball of chaos that is our headquarters. You know, to get the ENTIRE ELEVENTH DIVISION under control, without the benefit of any real authority over them.

"By yourself."

"Buh-bye!" Yachiru chirped as she and Hitsugaya ran out the window.

Matsumoto watched them depart, wondering when exactly she had been reverse-double screwed over in the course of the conversation. Sugarplum the pony whinnied.

"Good pony." Matsumoto said dully, wondering just what the Hell she was going to do. Behind her, in the barracks compound, a small explosion could be heard.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Ayasegawa wailed. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS SETTING OFF FIREWORKS INSIDE?! MY HAIR JUST FINISHED GROWING BACK FROM THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED! **YOU'RE ALL DEAD MEN!**"

Matsumoto sighed softly, and scratched Sugarplum behind the ear. "Captain Hitsugaya, I am really, really, REALLY going to make you pay for this."

* * *

"Faster, faster! Giddyup, shiro-chan!" Yachiru cheered.

"I AM NOT A PONY!"

"I said FASTER!" Yachiru snapped, pulling Hitsugaya's hair. "We gotta fight Hollows! Turn left here!"

"But that's not the way! The dimensional gate is straight ahead…"

"LEFT!" Yachiru snapped, tugging Hitsugaya's left ear until he turned the direction she indicated. "Good boy!"

"Matsumoto, I am really, really, REALLY going to make you pay for this." Hitsugaya growled under his breath.

"Now left again, and then another left after that!" Yachiru cheered.

"That's a circle! We'll end up right back where we started, you little idiot!"

Yachiru calmly replied, "Ponies do NOT talk back." Then she bit him on the head.

"GAH! Psychotic little freak! MATSUMOTO, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR SADDLING ME WITH THIS LUNATIC!"

"Hee, shiro-chan is funny when he's angry!" Yachiru said.

" 'Shiro-chan'," Hitsugaya muttered darkly, "Is going to be funny for awhile, then."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Adventures of Rangiku Matsumoto, Mistress of Treachery

Matsumoto smiled charmingly. "Now, we're all Shinigami here, so I know you'll appreciate that we have a very serious job to do. The management and defense of souls crossing between worlds is given over to us, and that's clearly a very dire responsibility. And while I understand that your division is rather… informal… OUR division is more of a traditional squad. In order for us to effectively do our job, we need a certain level of order and decorum. Now, I'm not saying that you can't be your normal raucous selves, I'm just saying that you have to maintain a certain limit on the frivolity.

"Shouting? Okay. Pranks? Why not, everyone loves pranks! But then there's the things like this. See this?" she asked, pointing at Sugarplum the Pony. "This is overboard. Barnyard animals are crossing the line, and we need to make sure the line doesn't get crossed. Other things that cross the line are fires outside of an accepted fire receptacle, such as a torch or lantern. None of that. And no fireworks or water balloons indoors. Those are outdoor activities. And please, refrain from painting the building any unusual colors. I don't know, maybe you think that's cool, like art or something, but it isn't. It's graffiti. So cut it out, please. M'kay?" she finished, smiling cheerfully.

A water balloon slammed into her face. The assembled 11th division members, their work in the impromptu meeting complete, wandered off to continue doing whatever they felt like doing.

"Did you really think that would work?" Ikkaku asked a doused and furious Matsumoto.

"I THOUGHT that I was dealing with reasonable adults, not a pack of rampaging morons!"

"Man, were you ever wrong." The 3rd seat said sagely.

"Clearly, reason doesn't work with them, and that's unusual for me. Normally, men do whatever I tell them to, for… unknown reasons." Matsumoto said demurely. "Now I find myself in an unusual position. Clearly, force is the only language you people understand, and I need to avenge my humiliation upon each and every one of your unworthy heads. But I am, unfortunately, also somewhat outnumbered, and I don't want to expend a lot of effort on this."

"Look, I appreciate that you're letting us stay here, so I'm gonna give you some advice. Trust me, if you really want to deal with the 11th division, this is the only way to do it." Ikkaku said helpfully.

"Oh, please tell me!" Matsumoto implored. "What do you think I should do? Any advice is welcome!"

"All you need to do… is trust your instincts!" Ikkaku said proudly, giving a thumbs-up sign. The sun glinted off his bald head, even though they were inside.

"… … … huh?"

"TRY GIVING UP!" Ayasegawa advised from across the building.

Meanwhile, SOMEWHERE else…

"Take a random swing and hope for success!" Yachiru, still perched on Hitsugaya's back, said cheerfully.

"What are you babbling about now?"

"I'm… I'm not sure. I just had the urge to give someone advice. By the way, you should turn left here."

"I'm TELLING you, we need to be going straight!"

"LEFT! GIDDYUP!" Yachiru commanded.

"NO!"

"BAD PONY!" Yachiru snapped, biting Hitsugaya on the head again.

"OW! DAMMIT ALL, I DON'T CARE IF YOU BITE ME, YOU ARE _**NOT **_STEERING ANYMORE!"

Back at HQ…

"So… um… what instincts should I be following?"

"You know. Your instincts." Ikkaku said.

"Could you be more specific?"

"I… I have to go somewhere else." Ikkaku said anxiously, as though being asked to elaborate on his advice made him nervous somehow. He hurried off towards the first door he could find.

_Well, that was fantastically useless. _Matsumoto thought. _Trust my instincts? My 'instinct' was to try reasoning with them, and that didn't work at all! Maybe I should follow Yumichika's advice and try giving up? No, the Captain is going to be in a bad mood when he comes back, and he might kill me… or worse, make me fill out requisition forms! I need to approach this from a different perspective… how would I handle this if it were an official mission? First objective is to gather intelligence…_

"HEY! You, ugly guy!" She barked, waving over an 11th member who happened to be in visual range.

Makizō Aramaki winced. "Um… well, if you must call me by a nickname, the usual one is 'maki-maki'… when miss Kusajishi remembers it, anyway…"

"Couldn't care less. Now, I need information on your division, and you're going to give it. Got it? Good."

"Um, why do you…"

"Because I plan to bring about their downfall, in order to restore my honor after they struck me with a deadly weapon."

"… You mean a water balloon?"

"Yes, that. Now, let's focus on what's really important, which is me. I need to know all about your division, like, y'know, any overwhelming weaknesses they have that might allow me to single-handedly defeat all 200 of them?"

"Well… they are really stupid. I mean like REALLY stupid. Does that help?"

"Yes, actually. Thanks!"

"Wait, there's more!" Aramaki said, apparently very happy that his opinions were actually being listened to, especially by a beautiful woman. "We have a LOT of weaknesses. And I could tell you the few strengths we actually do have so you could counter them!"

"Well, okay…"

"For starters, we're not only stupid, we completely underestimate everyone else. You see, we're so convinced of our own superiority in combat that we constantly put other people down, but in reality, our 'combat superiority' really just consists of bashing our heads against the problem over and over long after anyone reasonable would have fallen back and thought of a better strategy. Oh, and we have a tendency to fight when it really isn't necessary, and use violence to solve all our problems. Even problems that don't need it, and in fact are made WORSE by adding violence to them."

"Wow. Really?"

FLASHBACK:

"Ikkaku, I can't get the lid off this jar of pickles." Ayasegawa said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Did you try kinda tapping on it?"

"Yup. Didn't work."

"Did you hold it upside down and hit the bottom?"

"Yup, no luck."

"Well, there's only one solution to this. Stand back, I'm goin' bankai." Ikkaku said grimly, drawing his sword.

"But… but you hate to use your bankai because you're afraid if too many people found out about it, they'd make you leave the division to become a captain. You won't use it even if you're on the brink of death!" Yumichika said.

"Yeah." Ikkaku agreed. "But SOMEONE has to open these pickles. BANKAI!"

END FLASHBACK

"It took them three weeks to get the roof back on the kitchen…" Aramaki said nostalgically.

"So basically, what I'm dealing with is people who don't think about a situation before just rushing in and doing whatever pops into their heads, which is without exception the most direct, violent approach possible."

"Exactly!"

"… maki-maki, I believe I have developed a plan. A plan so brilliant that I hesitate to even speak it aloud for fear its brilliance would split the world asunder. I shall employ all my wit and guile to this plan, and construct an elaborate web of deception to capture each and every one of my enemies. Hey, look at that!" She said suddenly, pointing at a spot behind Aramaki's back.

"I don't see anything…" he replied, turning around to look for what she was pointing at. He continued looking until she clubbed him over the head with her sheathed zanpakuto, knocking him unconscious.

"And the first strand in the web of deception is spun!" Matsumoto proclaimed.

* * *

Staring at the rapidly filling closet, Matsumoto couldn't help but feel that Maki-maki had maybe, just maybe, been grossly over-estimating his division's average intelligence when he'd described them as 'really stupid'.

It had all started, as all great plans do, with cheese. She had put out a large and inviting pile of cheese in a bowl on the floor, positioned so that it was clearly visible to anyone walking down the hallway, but so that she could stand in a small alcove nearby the cheese and remain unseen. It wasn't long before the first two 11th members came walking down the hall towards her clever trap.

"Heeeeeey, what's that?" One of them had asked.

"Looks like cheese. But it's just… lying there. Why would cheese be just lying there?" The other replied.

"Maybe it's free cheese?"

"Nah, who'd just leave cheese there for free?"

"Someone who clearly wanted us to feel welcome in our new home! I mean, they had to know we love cheese. So they left this cheese out to make us feel like honored guests!" the first Shinigami said.

"Well, when you put it like that, it would be an insult NOT to take the cheese." his partner agreed. The two men walked down the hallway towards the cheese, and when they bent down to pick some out of the cheese, Matsumoto engaged phase two of her clever trap: she clubbed them both over the head with her sheathed Zanpakuto. After that, it was a simple matter of tying them up with their own robes, dragging them a short distance down the hall, and shoving them into a janitor's closet. She then returned to her clever hiding place to await the next person down the hall.

Thirty minutes later, she'd gotten 16 more Shinigami, up to a total of 19 if she counted Aramaki. If she continued at this pace, she should have the entire 11th division shoved into a closet by the end of the day, a fitting vengeance and almost certainly the best way to deal with them. After all, when cleaning her quarters, what was the best way to tidy them? Shove everything in the closet. It was a sound principle that applied as well to people as to clutter.

In a way, it was a little sad; she had hoped for more of a challenge in her newly-acquired role as a master of scheming and deception. But realistically, she supposed any trap capable of catching a mouse was about ten times too clever for an average 11th division member to avoid. And she couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride that none of her own division members had been caught thus far.

"What are you doing?" Ikkaku asked her.

"EEP!" She said, jolted out of her reverie. "Oh, I'm… uh… waiting here next to this cheese."

"Why?"

"For… something."

"What, exactly?"

"Nothing."

"But you just said 'something'. That's the opposite of 'nothing'."

"I was mistaken."

"So if you have no reason to do so, why ARE you waiting next to this cheese holding your sword in your hand?"

"… I'll tell you, sure! No problem, nothing to be guilty about here! But first, why don't you relax and have some nice cheese? Just kneel down and take some, preferably with your back to me!" Matsumoto said charmingly.

"No, thanks. I'd rather you just tell me."

"And I will! As soon as you turn around and kneel down so you head is at an ideal striking level!"

"Are you comin' on to me?" Ikkaku asked suspiciously.

"EW! Of course n… yes! Yes, Ikkaku! I can't resist your manly muscles, your… your weird eye-makeup… your baldness…" Matsumoto purred. "You're just so… handsome. I can't wait any longer, I must have you now! Right now… in, say, that closet over there? And you enter first to… check it for monsters. Yeah. And I'll come in AFTER you, so your back is turned to me! That makes it… extra romantic. I guess."

Ikkaku raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "I change my question. Rather than 'are you comin' on to me', I should have asked 'are you high'?"

_God dammit, just my luck I happen across the brightest crayon in the 'dull crayon box'. _"Um… well, I'm high on life? Yeah, that's it. Just so cheery! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and… hey, look it's Ichigo!" She said suddenly, pointing behind Ikkaku.

He didn't turn around. "There's a wall behind me."

_GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! _"Well, obviously!" Matsumoto stammered. "What I MEAN is, my… my woman's intuition tells me that Ichigo is, y'know, on the other side of that wall. And I bet he wants to, I dunno, fight or something. He does that. Don't you want to fight him? I mean, that's the only thing you do!"

"… Okay, what ARE you babbling about? You're clearly hiding something!"

"All right, all right! God, is it really that hard to figure out? You were there when I swore vengeance, and now I'm acting upon my terrible vendetta! I've been using cheese to lure your squadmates down this hallway so I can club them into unconsciousness, tie them up, and lock them in a closet! In fact, I've already caught nineteen of them! There, you caught me, I admit my guilt! Happy now?! God, just stop piercing my soul with your evil suspicious eyes!" Matsumoto finally screamed.

Ikkaku looked at her for a few seconds. Then he burst into laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, wow, the rumors about you are right, you ARE a weird one. If you really don't want to tell me what you're doing down this hallway, that's cool, I guess. Heh, heh… expecting me to believe a little girl like you could take down 19 members of my division…" Ikkaku chuckled, turning away from Matsumoto to walk down the hallway.

Instantly, she clubbed him in the base of the skull with the hilt of her sword, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. "Twenty, actually." she said cheerfully. "And there's nothing 'little' about me."

After tying Ikkaku up and shoving him in the closet, Matsumoto wiped her hands together in satisfaction. "Not bad for thirty minutes work! Just 180 more to go!"

"180 more of what?" someone rumbled from behind her.

"ACK!" Matsumoto squeeked, spinning around and looking up… and up… and up.

"180 more of what?" Zaraki repeated.

"Why, Captain Zaraki! I didn't know you were back! I'd really hoped… er, thought, I mean, not hoped, NEVER hoped… that you'd gotten lost or something!" Matsumoto babbled nervously. "Nice hair!"

"180 more of what?" Zaraki repeated, drawing his sword for emphasis.

"Um… er… well… push-ups! Yep, exercising, that's all!" Matsumoto declared, dropping to hands and knees and beginning to do push-ups frantically.

_GAH! Bad idea! I should have picked a different exercise, I hate push-ups! I've basically got the equivalent of two cantalopues strapped to my chest and they make this freakin' HARD! _she thought as her arms began to go numb.

"So, just out of curiosity, why are twenty of my guys tied up and shoved into this closet?" Zaraki said, totally ignoring her and stepping over her prone form to look into the door she'd been guarding.

"… you know, if you were going to open that anyway, you could have spared me a lot of effort by just doing it earlier." she grumbled.

"Ah, a little sweat never hurt anyone. Now, onto my earlier question…"

"I… um… well, I think I've been found out pretty well by this point, so we'll just be honest. I hit them over the head and tied them up so they'd stop annoying people and screwing up our barracks."

"Really?" Zaraki said, his one exposed eye widening in surprise. "You beat all these guys? Even Ikkaku?"

"Well, I wouldn't say 'beat' exactly but I did put them in there…"

"Nice work!"

"… huh?"

"That's really impressive! I gotta tell ya, I wasn't expecting too much from you guys, but first that kid captain and now you… the 10th has some decent brawlers after all!"

"Oh. Well, thanks, I guess. I mean, I've always done well in combat techniques and that sort of thing." Matsumoto said with a pleased smile on her face.

"But y'know, I think you could do better. These guys could have MUCH bigger bruises on them. Well, it's decided then!" he proclaimed suddenly.

"… it is?"

"It is!"

"Okay. What exactly is 'it'?"

"I'm taking you under my wing, my new apprentice! With my guidance and your natural talent, you'll be a killing machine in no time flat! To the sparring room!" Zaraki said amicably, throwing his arm around Matsumoto's shoulders and leading her off.

"Um… do I get a say in this?" She asked nervously.

"No."

"Well, all right then. To the sparring room!" Matsumoto agreed with forced enthusiasm. "But what about the guys in the closet?"

"Leave 'em. This will be a good experience for them. Teach 'em not to be wimps. You should be more worried about yourself… we've still got five hours of daylight left and you'll be usin' every one of them!"

_Oh, sweet lord, I'm doomed. _Matsumoto thought despondently. _Captain Hitsugaya, wherever you are, I hope you're having a better time than me!_

_

* * *

_"LEFT!" Yachiru commanded. 

"RIGHT!" Hitsugaya argued.

"LEFT!"

"RIGHT!"

"LEFT!"

"DAMMIT ALL, IF YOU HAD YOUR WAY WE'D HAVE MADE NOTHING BUT LEFT TURNS THIS ENTIRE TRIP! WE CANNOT **ALWAYS **TURN LEFT!"

"WE CAN IF MY WOMAN'S INTUITION SAYS WE CAN!"

"IF WE KEEP LISTENING TO YOUR WOMAN'S INTUITION, ALL THE STUDENTS WILL BE DEAD BY THE TIME WE GET THERE! HELL, THEY ALREADY MIGHT BE!"

"ONLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP TAKING THESE STUPID BREAKS TO ARGUE WITH MY PERFECT DIRECTIONS!"  
"YOUR DIRECTIONS TAKE US IN _**CIRCLES!**_"

"THEN IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR FOLLOWING THEM WRONG!"

"IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR GIVING INSANE DIRECTIONS!"

"KEN-CHAN ALWAYS FOLLOWS MY DIRECTIONS AND HE DOES JUST FINE!"

"KEN-CHA… ER, ZARAKI… HASN'T BEEN ON TIME FOR ANYTHING IN THE LAST DECADE THANKS TO YOU! NOW FOR THE LAST TIME, I CAN FEEL THE HOLLOW'S SPIRITUAL PRESSURE AND IT IS TO THE **RIGHT!**"

"LEFT, OR I'LL BITE YOU AGAIN!"

"MATSUMOTO, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR MAKING ME BRING HER ALONG! IF I EVER MAKE IT BACK FROM THIS HELL MISSION, I AM GOING TO** KILL YOU!" **Hitsugaya roared in supreme exasperation.

"AS LONG AS YOU TURN LEFT WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Time Well Spent

"LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" Yachiru screamed, at least whenever her teeth weren't sunk into Hitsugaya's head.

"ENOUGH!" Hitsugaya roared, coming to a complete stop. "Get off!"

"NO!"

"_**OFF!**_" He repeated, finally bucking the little parasite off his shoulder. "Now, I'm going to speak very slowly and precisely, so you understand the gravity of this situation. Vice-Captain Kusajishi, you are a spoiled, immature brat. The various threats I have been levelling at my vice-captain for forcing me to bring you along have not been idle… when I get back to Soul Society, she is a dead woman. That is how very, very much I loathe you; I loathe you so much I am willing to inflict grievous bodily harm upon someone else for making me spend time with you. However, right now none of this matters. We're both Shinigami, and we are on a mission. If we fail, people will die. This is much, much more important than any personal distaste we have for each other. Do you agree?"

"Completely." Yachiru said.

"Good. Now, are you going to follow me?"

"Nope. You go the wrong direction."

"Vice-Captain Kusajishi… I'd like you think about something." Hitsugaya said, fighting down the desire to make the girl eat her own Zanpakuto. "When you and Captain Zaraki were hunting Ichigo Kurosaki through the streets of Soul Society, how long did it take you find him?"

"Hmmmm… six or seven hours."

"And why was that?"

"Because we kept going the wrong way and running into dead ends."

"And who was responsible for giving the directions that constantly led you into dead ends?"

"Me."

"Now. Do you maybe begin to see why I don't want you leading the way?"

"… … I don't see your point."

"YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. THE DIRECTIONS YOU GIVE ARE NOT RIGHT. THEY LEAD US THE WRONG WAY." Hitsugaya said very slowly and loudly, hoping it would penetrate her skull to strike the single working brain cell she had.

"… so basically, what you're saying is that this is all your fault for not following my directions correctly?" Yachiru asked.

"No, I'm saying 'shut up and follow my lead, and I'll give you some cookies when we're done'."

"Yay, shiro-chan! Will you also get me milk?"

"Yes, I guess. Sure!"

"Uck! I hate milk!"

"Then no, I won't!"

"Except with cookies, then it's good!"

"Then yes!"

"Yay! And can I eat it in bed?"

"Yes!"

"Will you read me a story and check the closet for monsters?"

"No!"

"But what if there's a monster in my closet?"

"You're a shinigami vice-captain! You can collapse a small building with nothing but your soul! If there's a monster in your closet, kill it!"

"Ken-chan always checks my closet. AND under my bed. And he reads me a story."

"Do I LOOK like Ken-chan… er, Zaraki? I'm not even obligated to give you the cookie, so don't push it!"

"But I can't sleep if nobody checks!"

"Well then Zaraki can check! I never said I'd stick around to watch you eat the cookie anyway!"

"Heeeeeeey, you're right! Wow, you're smart, Shiro-chan! Okay, let's go!" Yachiru cheered.

"Yes, let's." Hitsugaya said impatiently. "Just give me a second to search for the Hollow's reiatsu again…"

"No time! We should just start looking on our own… probably somewhere to the left." Yachiru advised sagely.

The time it took, Hitsugaya mused, to fold his captain's jacket into a bag and stuff Yachiru inside it so he could carry her like luggage was probably not time that the imperiled students could afford to lose. But listening to the muffled protests of the young vice-captain and appreciating how much quieter they were than her normal speaking voice, Hitsugaya couldn't help but think that it was probably time well-spent.

Unfortunately, even the removal of a major distraction didn't seem to be helping him pick up his missing Hollow. There were brief bursts of reiatsu here and there, but nothing to indicate a feeding Hollow or fighting Shinigami. _Just my luck. This may be the first time in the history of the world that there AREN'T any noticeable Hollows in Karakura town. Maybe the students got the coordinates wrong? Well, I hope not, because if that's the case they're all dead… again. _Just then, however, inspiration struck him!

"OW!" He shouted, as Yachiru managed to slip a fist out of the makeshift bag he'd shoved her into and clocked him in the face. "ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT YOU LITTLE TWIT! WE'RE GOING RIGHT, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!"

Hitsugaya turned right, and proceeded along that path for thirty seconds. Then he stopped. Smiling at his Yachiru-in-a-sack, he said, "Told you so." It was doing a good job of hiding it, but there was a considerable power on the roof of the adjacent building. Whoever it was, they had the high ground… but that hardly mattered when dealing with a Captain. Slinging Yachiru over his shoulder (And smiling just a little bit at the audible 'oomph' she made), he made a flying leap and drew his zanpakuto at the same instant, descending on the so-called 'high ground' like a predatory falcon.

"WHAT THE- ?!" his prey screamed in surprise.

Hitsugaya, far too late to stop his attack, said "Oh, crap."

* * *

"All right, apprentice, it's time to begin your intensive training. The purpose of the initial phase of the training is to toughen you up for the more advanced steps. You can't master all the great secrets that I have to teach if you don't master the basics first, after all! No, first we have to build up your strength and stamina!" Zaraki proclaimed grandiosely. 

"Um… okay, so I'm gonna be like, lifting weights or something?" Matsumoto inquired. _That wouldn't be TOO bad…_

"Nope."

"… jogging?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Swimming?"

"Nah."

"What, then?"

Zaraki smiled just the tiniest bit like an utter lunatic and drew his sword. "The name of the exercise is 'try not to die'. You know you've passed when you're not dead."

"… oh, dear."

* * *

"10th Squad Captain, sir, you know I would never question you under normal circumstances. You are a gifted tactician, a brilliant swordsman, and a master of kido. I, and all Shinigami, view you as a credit to the Gotei 13. And even more so because of your age, you inspire hundreds of youths every year to strive for their dreams. I deeply admire and respect you." Rukia said carefully. "However, I must ask… why did you feel Renji deserved to die?" 

"I… I didn't mean to!" Hitsugaya swore. "I thought he was a Hollow! And besides, he isn't dead… quite…" Motioning vaguely at Renji, who looked a little bit like he'd been run over by a truck with razor blades for wheels. "Look, he's still bleeding! That means there's a heartbeat, anyway!"

"A Hollow?" Rukia asked doubtfully, looking down at Renji who, frankly, did not closely resemble a Hollow in any way.

"Well… I never actually SAW him. I was just kind of targeting his Reiatsu."

"A Hollow?" Rukia asked again, looking down at Renji whose reiatsu, frankly, did not closely resemble a Hollow's in any way.

"Look, I've been stressed recently!" Hitsugaya snapped. "I don't know what news you've been getting out here, but things in Soul Society aren't going all that smoothly! The 11th division burned down their barracks and now they're LIVING WITH ME!"

"How did they burn down their barracks? I thought that was supposed to be impossible!" Rukia asked.

"Well, if you believe them, it's an overemphasis on combat. Frankly, I think it's just because they are **chaos personified**." Hitsugaya said in a haunted tone.

"They do seem to have a… talent for it." Rukia admitted, looking over at Ichigo.

"GET OFF MY HEAD!" Ichigo shouted.

"ICHI! ICHI! ICHI! ICHI!" Yachiru shouted happily, clinging to Ichigo's head like velcro.

"OFF! STOP IT, I CAN'T SEE WITH YOU COVERING MY EYES LIKE THAT, AND WE'RE ON TOP OF A BUILDING! **LUNATIC**!"

"You know, I'd feel bad for him, but I'm just glad to see that little parasite latched onto someone else." Hitsugaya said conversationally.

"NOT SO CLOSE TO THE EDGE **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH**!" Ichigo screamed as he slipped off the building. Yachiru, without missing a beat, gracefully backflipped off his head the second he hit the edge and landed safely.

"Hee… silly Ichi." she giggled.

"I can see how she might be a handful." Rukia admitted. "But she's not even your vice-captain… what brings you out here with her?"

"… CRAP! The academy field trip! Aw, those kids are almost guaranteed to be dead by now…" Hitsugaya groaned. "God, I couldn't have failed more horribly if I tried!"

"Oh, them? We saved them an hour ago." Rukia said conversationally.

The silence was so thick you could have drowned in it.

"What did you say?" Hitsugaya asked slowly, one of his eyes twitching oddly.

"A-about an hour ago, we came upon a group of students being attacked by a huge Hollow. We… well, we saved them. You know, it's what we DO. I… I thought that would be good news." Rukia said, the look in Hitsugaya's eyes making her a little nervous.

"That was a very nice story," Hitsugaya said. His tone of voice was calm and conversational, but there was a bizarre light in his eyes. "I, too, interestingly enough, have a nice story. You see, about… oh, an HOUR ago, my division received a desperate plea for assistance from a group of Shinigami students who were being attacked by… coincidentally!... a huge Hollow. Naturally, I dropped everything I was doing to come and save them, but my loyal, thoughtful, and VERY DEAD vice-captain insisted I bring assistance with me. So I brought Yachiru, and… it hasn't been fun."

"Yes it has!" Yachiru cheered.

"It totally hasn't. But that's beside the point. You see, I feel that, since we were coming to save a group of students, and you have already SAVED a group of students, that perhaps our missions for the night have intertwined in some manner. Do you think this is likely, Kuchiki?" Hitsugaya asked in that same eerily calm yet intense tone.

"Um… yes…" Rukia said warily, now openly afraid.

"How about you, Kusajishi?"

"Hmmmmmm… you know, instead of a cookie, I think I'd like a bananna. Byakushi says they're good for nutrients!" Yachiru said brightly.

"Yes, that's certainly the quality of logic I've come to expect from you. But let me tell you what I think happened. I think that maybe, just maybe, Kuchiki, Kurosaki, and Abarai saved the same group of students we were coming to save! Doesn't that make sense?" Hitsugaya asked. Without waiting for an answer, he continued, "Which means that really, our coming out here was probably not needed. But WAIT!" He snapped suddenly, his tone jumping in volume and intensity and practically making Rukia jump out of her skin. In contrast, Yachiru was sitting cross-legged and cradling her head in her hands as though she was listening to an incredibly interesting story. "There's MORE! You see, they saved the students an HOUR ago, but we only got the distress call around an hour ago! This means, that… and bear with me here, because this is where it gets complicated… by the time we found out they were in trouble, they were **already saved**. Which means this whole trip was totally unnecessary. Do you know what the significance of this is? THERE WAS NO DANGER. Which means I didn't need to come, and more importantly, I didn't NEED ANY HELP. I didn't have to bring THAT!" He screamed, pointing at Yachiru.

"Hi!" Yachiru said, happy to be pointed out.

"She pulled my hair, and tugged on my ears, and rode me like a beast of burden! And the worst part? She bit me, Kuchiki. And it was all unnecessary. A complete waste, if you will. I didn't need to get bitten; there was no reason for me to have BEEN bitten. I have toothmarks in my scalp for no. Good. Reason."

Hitsugaya stopped to think about this for a second. "**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" **he screamed suddenly, his cries filling the night air.

* * *

Ikkaku rubbed the bruise on the back of his head and walked over to Yumichika, who was sitting on a bench in front of the 10th division barracks. "You know, she doesn't look it, but that Matsumoto girl hits hard!" Ikkaku declared. 

Ayasegawa shrugged. "If you'd like to yell at her for ambushing you, she should be back in a minute."

"What do you mean by that?" Ikkaku asked.

"Well, she's sparring with the Captain. So…" Before he could complete the sentence, Matsumoto ran by screaming with Zaraki hot on her tail, swinging his sword and grinning like a maniac. "… Well, I think that makes my point."

"How often does she come by?" Ikkaku asked, sitting down next to his friend.

"Oh, about once every five minutes. Sometimes more, if she goes down a path that's too narrow for him and he has to break the wall down, sometimes less if she hits a dead end and has to jump over his head and double back."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Almost half an hour, now."

Ikkaku whistled. "Not bad! Most of them get caught in the first ten minutes!"

"Yeah. She's got some real potential, that one. I think the Captain might be thinking about stealing her from her current squad so he finally has a 4th seat worth mentioning." Yumichika said. Then Matsumoto ran by screaming again, and Zaraki's sword slashed off a lock of her hair as she sprinted. "Well, either that or he's just going to kill her." Yumichika said, unconcerned.

"Yeah. It's hard to tell with him, sometimes." Ikkaku agreed.

The two sat back in silence, enjoying the view and the fresh air. Matsumoto ran by screaming again.

"Well, she's got stamina, if nothing else."

* * *

"You know who I blame for this? Those damn butterflies. They take forever to get anywhere! We need to move on to a higher grade of insect. Hell Dragonflies, maybe? They have to be faster, and not as many birds eat them. Yes, I'm definitely bringing that up at the next meeting." Hitsugaya said, mostly to himself. "Honestly, the mortal realm can communicate across thousands of miles instantly, and we're still sending messages via fluttering insect! It's just WRONG, I tell you!" 

"Now, Captain Hitsugaya…" Rukia began.

"Thank you."

"… huh?"

"It's been awhile since someone outside my own division called me that." Hitsugaya said wistfully.

"Really? What do they call you?"

"Shiro-chan is shiro-chan!" Yachiru said helpfully.

"Oooooooh." Rukia said knowingly. "Well, you're welcome then. But what I was about to say was that you're too negative about these things. You're always going to be unhappy until you start looking on the bright side of these situations!

"There's a bright side?"

"Sure! You may have had… dubious company… but you still got to get out of the headquarters, get some fresh air, and nobody died. And yeah, maybe you didn't get to help out, but at least the reward was really small!"

"Reward?"

"Oh… um… well, one of the students was the heir to a wealthy noble household, and after we saved his life, he offered us a small reward. Well… actually, the reward wasn't 'small' so much as 'anything in his power to give', but y'know, I'm already wealthy so I just ASKED for something small. See?" Rukia asked cheerfully, pulling out a stuffed rabbit from her robes.

"It's… it's a rabbit." Hitsugaya said bitterly.

"Ooooooooh…" Yachiru said earnestly.

"And it gets better!" Rukia said, now genuinely excited. She pulled a string on the rabbit's back, and it began to sing 'Here Comes Peter Cottontail'. "Isn't it the neatest?!"

"Yeah. Sure. It's way, way neater than, say, the new house or replacement antique mirror I would have asked for, that's for sure." Hitsugaya said bitterly.

"It sure is!" Rukia said without the slightest hint of sarcasm.

Yachiru stared wide-eyed at the singing rabbit plushie. "I want it, more than I've ever wanted anything ever." She said earnestly. She then tugged on Hitsugaya's sleeve. "Shiro-chan, I want one."

"That's nice. I want to erase the last hour from history, so I guess neither of us is getting what we want." Hitsugaya said.

"But… but I want it." Yachiru said, confused.

"Well, talk to her, because I'm going to go sit in a corner and nurse this enormous migraine I'm developing." Hitsugaya said, sitting down and rubbing his head.

Yachiru thought about that for a second, then turned to Rukia and held out her hand. "Give me that."

"Sorry, child, but a valuable collector's item like this isn't suitable for children like you. It needs to be properly cared for and nurtured." Rukia said in a cheerfully condescending tone.

"Give it." Yachiru insisted, tugging on the rabbit's leg.

"No! My bunny!" Rukia snapped, all pretenses of maturity gone. She swatted Yachiru's hand away and yanked the rabbit back.

Yachiru looked down at her slapped hand in seeming confusion. "Did… did you hit me?" She asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to it was just a knee-jerk reaction…" Rukia babbled apologetically, flushed with embarassment.

Yachiru, on the other hand, smiled brilliantly. "You hit me! That's a challenge, Ruki-ruki! PLAY TIME!" she roared happily, tackling Rukia.

Ichigo climbed up over the side of the building and wiped the dust off his robes. "Yeah, don't worry about me anyone, I mean I only just fell off the building..." He muttered. Then he saw the spectacle of Rukia and Yachiru beating the tar out of each other, Rukia wearing an expression of flustered anger, and Yachiru a cheerful grin. "Um… hey, Toshiro, what exactly is going on here?"

"It's Captain Hitsugaya. And what we have here is a case of rabbit envy gone bad." Hitsugaya said.

"Um… should we stop them?" Ichigo asked doubtfully. "I think that they might actually kill each other…"

"That depends. Do you want to lose an arm by sticking it into that mess?"

"… Point."

"Here, help me get Abarai to medical attention. With any luck, they'll be done by the time we get back."

"And if they're not?"

"We find some popcorn."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Maybe the mission wasn't so bad after all?

"You're lucky, Shiro-chan." Yachiru said solemnly. "You were witness to a great victory."

Hitsugaya didn't say anything in response, just sort of growled a little. The two were making their way back to Soul Society after a brief, minor, three-to-four hour brawl with Rukia Kuchiki. On the bright side, Yachiru had discovered that she couldn't hold her ill-gotten rabbit and cling to his back at the same time, so she was running alongside him. On the negative side of things… well, she was still Yachiru.

"Not only was a member of the great and ancient Kuchiki clan defeated and humbled," Yachiru continued proudly, ignoring Hitsugaya's pointed lack of response. "But a wondrous treasure has fallen into my hands!"

"… It's a plush rabbit. It's probably worth ten bucks, tops."

Yachiru hugged her new bunny. "Yeah, but it sings!"

"I know. I've learned this the hard way, because you've made it sing that damnable song at LEAST thirty times since you got it."

"I don't understand why you're so angry, Shiro-chan. Our mission was a complete success, beyond my wildest dreams!" Yachiru said brightly.

"Our mission was a…? We MISSED the mission! All that you did was mug a fellow Shinigami!"

"… you mean that isn't why we came?" Yachiru asked in what sounded like genuine confusion.

"No. No it isn't." Hitsugaya said grimly. "It's not why I came… and it definitely isn't why YOU came. I know EXACTLY why YOU came."

"Ooooooh, why?" Yachiru asked curiously.

"You came as a messenger of damnation, sent to strip away my sanity and dignity until all that remains is a twisted, broken wreck of a man." Hitsugaya replied matter-of-factly.

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, really. And furthermore, I know exactly who sent you on your mission of despair." Hitsugaya said grimly.

"Oooooh, who was it?" Yachiru inquired.

"Nobody who's going to be alive very much longer." Hitsugaya said with dark satisfaction, seeing the upcoming gate to the Seireitei. "Not much longer now…"

Yachiru, staring directly at the gate which was directly in front of her, said, "Okay, at this next intersection, we should turn left."

It was a fortunate thing, Hitsugaya mused, that his Captain's jacket could so quickly and easily be folded into a makeshift bag, and that Yachiru was small enough to fit easily inside. _Hell, _he thought, _I didn't even have to hurry this time. Maybe I should invest in a higher quality bag, so I can keep her as luggage during ALL the time I spend with her, without taking off my overcoat. Yes, I'll definitely see about that._

"MMMMMMMFFFFFFFF!" Yachiru screeched from inside his jacket/bag. She was, to be fair probably saying something in actual words, but with her voice muffled by the jacket, Hitsugaya couldn't make out a word she said.

_And that, _he thought, i_s probably the best part. _

_

* * *

_

With the minor exception of an instance when Yachiru managed to break out of her bag and latch onto his head like a lamprey, the trip back to the 10th division barracks was largely uneventful, particularly after he ditched Yachiru like yesterday's garbage… er, dropped her off with friends.

Unfortunately, upon getting there, he saw nothing he wanted to see. Granted, the worst of the chaos seemed to be over; the barracks were currently immersed in the strange sort of calm normally found only in a city that was between attacks during an extended siege. But a solid ninety percent of anything that COULD be broken WAS broken, three small fires were still burning, and someone had taken the liberty of painting over Yachiru's pink coat of paint with an even more hideous flourescent green coat of paint. Oh, and (As Hitsugaya discovered when he opened a first-aid station to find bandages for his head and instead was greeted by small furry animals), someone had let an unknown number of weasels loose into the building.

"Well don't you two look comfy." he said dryly to Ikkaku and Yumichika, who were basically just lounging around in his office. To be fair, people lounging around his office like it was some kind of hotel room was a pretty common occurrence, but at least usually the one lounging around his office had the grace to be a member of his own division.

"This room seemed like a good place to hide from the weasels." Ikkaku said cheerfully.

"The weasels. Ah, yes. You mean the ones who were running through the hallways and ate all the bandages in the infirmary? Yes, now that you mentioned it, I DID notice them."

"Yes, those ones. They're very unsanitary, so we chose to avoid them." Yumichika said agreeably.

"Oh, quite understandable. But, I must ask: How, praytell, did they get into the compound?"

"… well, I'm almost certain that none of the seated officers had anything to do with it, but it's hard to be sure about something as minor as two thousand wild weasels being released inside a building." Ikkaku said.

"Minor? THERE ARE TWO THOUSAND WEASELS IN MY BARRACKS!" Hitsugaya roared, his eye beginning that unusual twitch again. As if to emphasize his point, a weasel crawled out from under his desk and sniffed at his robes, before wandering out into the hallway.

"Well, look at it this way… your barracks are still here, right?" Yumichika asked him.

"In the strictest sense… although I could make the argument that they have been so thoroughly altered that they are no longer the same building…"

"Regardless, the barracks DO exist. And if they exist, then trust me: This is minor." Ayasegawa advised him.

"I… I… actually, that's a fair argument coming from you guys," Hitsugaya admitted. "Now, by any chance, have either of you seen the woman I was stupid enough to leave in charge of salvaging this situation?"

"Oh, you mean Rangiku? Yeah, she spent the day playing, then went home." Ikkaku said mildly.

The temperature in the room dropped by several degrees. Literally. Ice crystals began to form on Ayasegawa's eyebrow ornaments.

"Playing." Hitsugaya said, his tone as cold and dark as a tomb.

"Yeah. She did great too, kept going a long time after most people would have quit. She's practically a legend among the men now… there's even talk about making her an honorary 11th division member!" Ikkaku said.

"Ah. Ah-ha. So, I told her to rein in the chaos, and she chooses instead to play games and make new friends? Rather than doing her damn JOB… AGAIN… she spends the day having a JOLLY OLD TIME?! **IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME**?!" Hitsugaya roared.

"She certainly looked like she was having a good time. Didn't do much work that I saw." Yumichika agreed.

"Oh, no. She did SOME work. It took her the whole day, but she definitely signed her own death warrant." Hitsugaya muttered darkly, stalking off.

"… You know, he seems angry. You think we should have mentioned that we consider fighting for your life to be a form of play?" Ayasegawa said after he had left.

"You mean there are people who **don't**?" Ikkaku asked, genuinely confused.

"I hear some of the other divisions consider it UNPLEASANT to be chased around by a huge eye-patch wearing lunatic trying to kill you." Ayasegawa replied.

"Weird. But I guess that would explain why Rangiku kept screaming… hey, you know, I haven't seen Yachiru today. Where'd she run off to?"

* * *

"Shiro-chan! Help! This place is very smelly and I'm still wrapped in your stupid jacket!" Yachiru whined from inside the garbage can where Hitsugaya had dumped her.

Shūhei Hisagi, acting-captain of the 9th division, looked down at her in confusion. "Okay… I'm beginning to see why you got me." He admitted to the 9th division member who had discovered her and brought her to his attention. "Do we know what's going on here?"

"Well, it looks like somebody tied up a young woman in a Captain's overcoat and threw her into one of our garbage cans." the young shinigami woman who'd summoned him said.

"I noticed that. Why didn't you just… y'know, let her out?"

"Well, sir… it's just that it sounds a lot like it's Vice-Captain Kusajishi in there, and… well, the last time she was here, we ended up needing to replace all of the doors. She kept tearing them out of the wall and trying to use them as sleds… it wasn't pretty. So I figured that I shouldn't let her free so close to our barracks."

"Yes, I remember that. Didn't she also mix jell-o into all our baths?" Hisagi asked.

"… I smelled like lime for a month…" The woman said sadly by way of response.

"Ah, yes. The men's bath got peach… So, we can't let her loose, she's dangerous. But we can't just leave her here in the garbage can. Suggestions?"

"Well… we could… no, that's too cruel." the woman said.

"Go on. I'll consider anything."

"Well, it's just that… the mail courier DOES take packages…"

"You want to mail her home? I don't know… couldn't she get hurt in there?" Hisagi said doubtfully, leaning in closer to examine the bound vice-captain. Then, Yachiru, hearing someone talking, managed to slip an arm out of her cloth prison and punch whoever was speaking in the face.

"OW!" Hisagi shouted, covering his bloody nose.

"Hee-hee!" Yachiru giggled. She didn't really know who she'd just hit, but whatever. Punching stuff was fun!

"… Call the courier." Hisagi growled. "Mail her back to her barracks before I'm tempted to have this dumpster burned 'accidentally'."

"Um, her barracks are gone, remember…"

"Damn, that's right! Oh, well, send her to the division closest to her own, then."

"Well, that would be either the 10th or the 12th… which one should I address the… um, cloak, to?"

"Well…" Hisagi said thoughtfully. "…Which one deserves her more?"

* * *

Hitsugaya drew his Zanpakuto and stalked towards his home like a panther on the prowl. Matsumoto was no match for him, true, but she was still dangerous. If he wanted to kill her without extreme damage to his home, he'd have to utilize the element of surprise. His approach was flawless; his footsteps making no more noise than a moth's wings flapping. Circumventing the front door, he entered through the unlocked bedroom window, and snuck towards the living room, blade ready.

_Sorry, Rangiku. You were a decent vice-captain… but you crossed the line this time. _He thought grimly. _I'm sure I'll regret this someday, when I'm running a well-operating division with a vice-captain who listens to me. But I won't regret it much. _Kicking the door open, he began his fatal charge… and stopped dead.

"Matsumoto," He growled, his anger driven out of his head by… well, more anger. "Where is my furniture?"

His living room was completely empty, with the minor exception of a gigantic bean-bag which was, for some reason, soaking wet (And of course, leaking water all over his finely polished hardwood floor, how NICE). Oh, and Matsumoto, who was lying on it. But other than that, nothing.

"Gone." Matsumoto groaned.

"I see that. Where is it?"

"Closet." Matsumoto groaned, motioning vaguely toward the bulging hall closet.

"You… you put my couch in that little closet?" Hitsugaya asked, confused.

"Yup."

"… how?"

"Squeezed."

"… uh-huh. So… what's with the big wet thing in the middle of the room?"

"Giant. Bag. Filled. With. Ice." Matsumoto groaned, one word at a time as though speaking were immensely difficult.

"… why?"

"Zaraki. 'Training'. Ow…" Matsumoto moaned, fresh agony filling her from the effort of making air quotes with her fingers.

"Oh. OH! Matsumoto, I'm… I'm so sorry." Hitsugaya said with real pity. "I was planning to kill you, but I really think you've been punished enough."

"Kill?" Matsumoto squeaked, eyes wide with fear.

"Oh, don't worry," Hitsugaya said dismissively. "I'm not going through with it."

"Kill?!" Matsumoto squeaked again.

"Like I said, I'm not ACTUALLY going to kill you. Anymore. Quit being such a baby!" he said, sitting down with his back against Matsumoto's giant ice pack. "Ah, that DOES feel nice." He sighed.

"KILL?!" Matsumoto squeaked again.

"Jeez, you really take things too personally." Hitsugaya chuckled, enjoying the feel of ice against his back. "I mean, this wasn't the first time I've considered killing you. Just the first time I've ever started acting on it. But I'm done now. And…" he yawned widely. "Much more tired than I thought I was… although not as tired as you, I'm sure."

"Yup." Matsumoto agreed.

"Matsumoto… I saw HQ. You didn't do well in maintaining order, did you?"  
"Nope. Weasels." Matsumoto said, still speaking one word at a time.

"Yes, I saw the weasels. I… didn't have an easy time either." Hitsugaya said sadly. "Matsumoto… I'm beginning to think we may be in over our heads."

"Completely." Matsumoto curtly agreed.

"We can't control them. They're… they're uncontrollable. I don't want to call them 'demons', but… that's not too far off." Hitsugaya said despondently. "We're going to need help on this one."

"Who?"

"I'll…" he yawned again, leaning back into the icepack. "I'll think of something. Tomorrow…" He muttered drifting off to sleep.

_

* * *

_

"What is it, Nemu?" Mayuri Kurotsuchi asked irritably. "I'm currently in the middle of an extremely sensitive project, and can't be disturbed just now!"

"Oh, well, a package has arrived for you, sir." His vice-captain and 'daughter' said. "It was a priority delivery, so I thought I should give it to you personally."

"Really? I wasn't expecting… is that a Captain's cloak?"

"It appears to be, sir."

"… Why is it squirming?"

"Perhaps there's some unusual creature inside that they sent you to examine?"

"Well, I suppose that's a possibility… all right, you prepare a proper cage for the specimen while I unwrap it."

"Sir…" Nemu said cautiously. "This creature could be dangerous. Perhaps we should put it into restraints BEFORE we release it, just to be safe…"

"Since when," Mayuri said darkly, "Did you begin to see fit to question my orders? I am a _Captain, _you impudent little dolt, I think I can handle a creature that is, at most, three feet tall. Now go get those restraints, or YOU will be the one spending the night in a specimen cage!"

As Nemu rushed off to comply with her father's orders, Mayuri chuckled coldly and unwrapped the cloak. As if there was anything inside that HE couldn't handle…

"HI!" Yachiru bellowed, popping out of the cloth bundle.

"GACK! What the-?!" Mayuri squawked, jumping back in shock.

"Hi, freak-face! Thanks for saving me, I was in there for a long… time…" Yachiru began, trailing off in wonder as she saw his laboratory. His complex, sensitive laboratory filled with tubes, consoles, and lights. The phrase 'Bull in a China Shop' came to Mayuri's mind for some reason as he saw the multitude of glittering, breakable things reflecting in Yachiru's eyes.

"Oh, dear." He said.

"SHINY!" she said, and rushed towards the nearest random button she could locate before Mayuri could grab her.

The explosions could be heard from up to twenty miles away.

_

* * *

_

Hitsugaya stirred in his sleep as the sun shone on his face. _Mmmmm… first good night's sleep in awhile… oh, yeah, I need to start looking for reinforcements for my war on evil. I'd better get up. _He stretched his arms out, yawned, wiped the water off his face and adjusted himself so Matsumoto's arms weren't around his neck anymore.

Then he stopped to think about some of the things he'd just done.

"Matsumoto…" he said softly. "I was very tired last night, so I didn't really think about the implications of leaving a giant bag of ice in the middle of my living room. I haven't opened my eyes yet… partially out of fear… but I am ninety-percent sure that my living room is now flooded. But I'm going to have no choice but to open them in a second, and when I do, I had better not find out that you are using me as a teddy-bear again."

The arm around his neck disappeared.

"That's better. Now, let's find some mops."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: With Friends Like These…

Byakuya Kuchiki was, in many ways, everything Hitsugaya wished he could be. Cool, unflappable, and aristocratic, with the icy demeanor that Hitsugaya himself always hoped to pull off but often couldn't quite manage. Therefore, when he was considering whom to ask for assistance, Byakuya was naturally at the top of the list.

"When we were thinking of who to come to, Captain Kuchiki, you were the first person who came to mind." Hitsugaya said truthfully. He and Matsumoto were currently sitting together in Byakuya's lavish office, which was overlooking the magnificent Kuchiki Manor Gardens. "Thank you for seeing us so quickly."

"Not a problem, Captain Hitsugaya." Byakuya replied, the essence of formality. "Truthfully, I had no more pressing duties to attend to, and your… situation… is understandably quite frustrating. I have had dealings with certain 11th division members in the past, and they can be extremely vexing."

"You ain't kiddin'…" Matsumoto muttered, holding an ice pack to her sore neck. Hitsugaya sent a glare her way to remind her to be more respectful, but Byakuya was looking out at his gardens and didn't seem to hear her. "Vexing is something of an understatement, unfortunately." She said more loudly.

Something that may have almost been a smile curved Byakuya's mouth just the slightest bit. "You ain't kiddin'," he said.

Matsumoto's eyes widened. "Damn, you have ears like a bat!" she blurted. Hitsugaya kicked her in the shin.

"Please, sir. Any information, any advice, would be welcome and needed. My vice-captain and I have tried everything we can think of, and to this point we have been COMPLETELY unable to maintain any sort of control over Captain Zaraki and his squad. If you have any ideas, any at all…" Hitsugaya implored, as Matsumoto rubbed her aching shin.

Byakuya became silent and thoughtful. "… Lieutenant Matsumoto, if you would please excuse us for a moment? I need to speak to your Captain in private."

After Matsumoto had vacated the room, he turned back to Hitsugaya. "Captain, under normal circumstances, I would be happy to aid you in any way I could. However, I currently find myself in dire need as well. " Byakuya said. "I would like to suggest an exchange of services. Please keep in mind that what I am about to tell you is of the utmost importance to the Kuchiki family, and by extension all of Soul Society. I must ask that what we are about to discuss not leave this room."

"Of course! You can rely on me." Hitsugaya said immediately. _A secret mission for the most noble and ancient family in Soul Society! This is so cool! Er…I mean, this is a great honor! _He thought excitedly.

"As head of the Kuchiki family, I have several difficult responsibilities. One of these is to maintain the dignified image of the clan in the perception of others." Byakuya began.

"Of course." Hitsugaya agreed.

"This is done in many ways… skill in all aspects of Shinigami combat, training my younger family members to ensure the strength of the bloodline, and of course making public appearances to demonstrate the power and dignity of the clan."

"Naturally." Hitsugaya agreed.

"And when making such an appearance, whether before an ally or an enemy, iit is IMMEASURABLY important that I begin by setting the proper tone via a Dramatic Entrance." Byakuya finished.

"Well, that's perfectly… wait, what?" Hitsugaya asked in confusion.

"Generally, the way I prefer to do this is by having a spotlight shone behind me to make the background appear white, while sakura petals are thrown into a large fan nearby. This creates the illusion of a gust of wind gently ruffling my robes, while simultaneously causing the petals to fly around me. The overall effect is extremely dramatic looking." Byakuya explained.

Hitsugaya saw all his pre-conceived notions of how great Byakuya was wither and die.

"But… but… but… that's the same stupid thing Captain Kyoraku does!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Please, don't lump me in with him." Byakuya sniffed. "There are several key differences."

"Really? What?"

"Well, for starters, he doesn't use the artificial wind, merely has the petals sprinkled down from above. Also, he uses rose petals instead of sakura petals, a HUGE difference. And of course, his vice-captain has never truly mastered the subtle art of knowing EXACTLY how many petals to throw; not like Renji, who is a master Entrance-crafter." Byakuya said, "And therein lies the problem. With Renji so often in the material world, it has become increasingly difficult to make the dramatic entrances that are required by my position. Therefore, until his assignment is completed, I will require a fill-in entrance-crafter. Someone whom is trustworthy and capable of moving quickly and undetected in order to properly set up the entrance without being seen doing so. You would obviously be an excellent choice."  
"You… you want me to be your flower-boy?!" Hitsugaya asked in disbelief.

"Entrance-crafter."

"Call it what you want, it's still incredibly undignified and demeaning!" Hitsugaya replied.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Will you do it?" Byakuya asked.

"No! Of course not! I'm a Captain, not a flower boy!"

"Entrance-crafter."

"WHATEVER!" Hitsugaya snapped, storming out of the office.

"How'd it go, sir?" Matsumoto asked hopefully as he walked past her.

"I need to get a new idol." Hitsugaya muttered. Then, more loudly, he said, "I'm afraid Captain Kuchiki's price was too high. We'll have to try somewhere else…"

* * *

Jushiro Ukitake, Captain of the 13th Division, was one of the most respected men in all of Soul Society. Renowned as much for his wisdom and generosity as for his incredible power in spite of crippling illness, Ukitake was revered by his subordinates and honored by his equals. When Hitsugaya was considering whom to ask for help, therefore, Ukitake was obviously near the top of the list.

"When we were thinking of who to come to, Captain Ukitake, you were the first person who came to mind." Hitsugaya slightly lied. He and Matsumoto were currently sitting together in Ukitake's simple and elegantly appointed offices, located in his division barracks where he could be close to his men. "Thank you for seeing us so quickly."

"It's not a problem, Toshiro." Ukitake said warmly. "Although, and I'm very sorry, I doubt that I'm capable of helping with this particular problem."

"Oh, I think you underestimate your considerable abilities, sir." Hitsugaya said graciously.

"I'll say…" Matsumoto said, staring at Ukitake with open admiration. Hitsugaya kicked her in the shin.

"OW! You know, if you're going to do that every time I act like I always do, my foot's gonna fall off by the end of the day!" Matsumoto whined.

"I apologize for my vice-captain's behavior, sir. She has NO sense of decorum whatsoever, and…" Hitsugaya began, embarassed.

Ukitake merely chuckled. "Oh, it's not a concern. We don't stand on ceremony here." He said, winking at Matsumoto.

"Hee, hee…" she giggled dopily, a goofy grin on her face. "Your hair is pretty… hey, you know what I just noticed? You both have white hair!"

"No." Hitsugaya said in horror, recognizing where this was going.

"And 'Jushiro' sounds a lot like 'Toshiro'!" She kept going.

"No!"

"That would make you both…"

"NO!"

"Shiro-chan!" Matsumoto and Ukitake happily exclaimed together. Ukitake reached into one of his desk drawers, removed a large bag of candy, and practically threw it at Hitsugaya for no discernable reason.

"Yes, yes, we're… we're both shiro-chan. That's wonderful. Thank you both for bringing that up. Again. For like the fifth time." Hitsugaya grumbled, looking at the candy as though it were diseased somehow. "Now, if we could get back to the matter at hand…"

"Toshiro, your estimation of my abilities is flattering, truly, but you have to understand what you're asking of me. The 11th division… they're basically a group of oversized children. Stupid, tempermental, bickering children that fight over any stupid reason and have absolutely no maturity or sense of priority." Ukitake said, walking over to the door to his office as he did.

"Yes, that's all true."

"Toshiro," Ukitake said in a long-suffering tone, "If I knew how to deal with people like that, don't you think I would have done something about THIS?!" he shouted, slamming open the door. His co-third seats, Kiyone Kotetsu and Sentaro Kotsubaki, both of whom had been eavesdropping at the door, fell into the office in a heap.

"CAPTAIN!" Sentaro shouted, immediately scrambling to his knees. "I apologize profusely! I'm a monster, spying on my own captain so foolishly! Punish me for my evil however you see fit, sir!"

"HEY! I'm the real monster here, Sentaro! Foolish, evil spy! Punish me worse, I'm the really awful one!" Kiyone protested loudly, shoving her fellow officer out of the way.

"Quit copying me, idiot!"

"I'm not copying anyone, jerk!"

"Bitch!"

"Moron!"

"Whore!"

"Jackass!"

Ukitake looked to Hitsugaya with unimaginable sadness in his eyes. "It NEVER STOPS." He said in a dull, dead sort of voice.

As the two alleged officers continued to verbally assault each other, Hitsugaya turned to Ukitake. "Sorry to bother you," was all he said, grabbing Matsumoto's hand and moving for the door. "Come on, Matsumoto, we're moving on."

"Call me!" Matsumoto said hopefully to Ukitake as she was dragged out of the office.

* * *

Soi Fong was not a widely loved Captain, but she was widely considered to be one of the scarier ones. An ice-cold killer, she was known for her brutal and merciless execution of anyone she percieved to be a threat to Soul Society. While Hitsugaya had hoped to find some level of aid among the Captains he more closely admired, he definitely respected Soi Fong's tactical knowledge and ability to intimidate, putting her third on his list of who to visit.

"Captain Hitsugaya, Vice-Captain Matsumoto." Soi Fong said curtly, wasting no time on pleasantries. Her office was even more meticulous and barren than Hitsugaya's; at least he had books in his to lend it a human air. The only slight nod to decoration was a stuffed black cat on the corner of the desk. "How can I help you?"

"Ah, straight to business. That's why we came to you first." Hitsugaya lied. "Well, I'm sure you're already aware of our… little situation…" Hitsugaya said delicately.

"I was aware of it before you were. Nothing escapes the eyes of the intelligence corps." Soi Fong replied.

_Except a mass defection of Captains to join our worst enemies, you sure seem to have missed THAT one… Oh, and I lied to your face like ten seconds ago, and you seem to have missed that one too! Amazing work. _Hitsugaya thought. What he said was, "Fair enough. We were hoping you might have some suggestions or assistance on how to effectively DEAL with this problem."

Soi Fong thought on that for a moment. "Well… I could have the entire 11th division assassinated." she suggested.

Hitsugaya and Matsumoto both began to chuckle nervously.

"I wasn't joking." Soi Fong said.

Hitsugaya and Matsumoto stopped chuckling.

"That… that may be a bit extreme…" Hitsugaya said, eyes wide with just the slightest bit of fear. "I mean, they're certainly very annoying, but we probably shouldn't kill them ALL…"

"Maybe just the officers!" Matsumoto suggested brightly.

"Do-able." Soi Fong agreed.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya gaped in horror.

"What? You were willing to kill ME yesterday, why not them? They deserve it more than I do!"

"Well, yes, but I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I was upset!"

"Well, I'm upset now! I say wipe 'em out!" Matsumoto argued.  
"No." Hitsugaya said firmly. "We will deal with them, but we'll do it without resorting to mass-murder. We are noble, proud Shinigami of the Gotei 13, and we do NOT kill our comrades!" Hitsugaya said dramatically.

"Unless we're in a bad mood, apparently…" Matsumoto grumbled.

"Er… yes. Unless then."

"Are you sure?" Soi Fong asked. "Because you can have them killed, and as long as you do it through me, all you have to do is fill out around ten minutes worth of paperwork. It's all totally legal."

"… well, maybe I should take that paperwork. Just in case." Hitsugaya said.

"Fair enough. I'll go get you the standard 1040-KILL form, back in a second." Soi Fon said, walking out of the office to go get the papers.

"Oh, big surprise! When **I **suggest it, it's not good enough, but when there's paperwork involved, watch out! Here comes Captain Hitsugaya, office worker extrordinaire!" Matsumoto grumbled.

"Look, I apologized for threatening to kill you. What more do you want?" Hitsugaya replied.

"…Well, you never tell me how much you appreciate me. That would be nice."

"Fine. Matsumoto, I appreciate all the… 'work'… you do." Hitsugaya said.

"Hey, that's not fair! You said it all sarcastically!"

"Well, it's not as though you DO all that much work. But I'll admit that what work you DO is very well done. Thank you very much." Hitsugaya said solemnly.

"… Now, how about an extended vacation?"

"Don't push it. I'm lenient enough with you as it is," Hitsugaya replied. "I mean, not every Captain keeps a couch in their office, you may notice!" Motioning around Soi Fong's barren, sterile workspace. In doing so, he accidentally brushed the sleeve of his robe against the stuffed cat on the desk.

Hitsugaya wasn't quite certain what happened next. All he knew for sure was the one second, he was sitting in a rather uncomfortable chair next to Soi Fong's desk, and Soi Fong herself was not in the room. The next second he was on the floor, and Soi Fong was suddenly very much present, her foot on his chest pinning him to the floor and her sword at his throat.

"_What the Hell was that?_" Soi Fong asked in the most icily vicious tone Hitsugaya had ever heard.

"What the-?" the younger Captain began in confusion.

"You know what I mean." Soi Fong snarled. "You PAWED my representation of Lady Yoruichi. Brushed your filthy body against it. Why is THAT, Captain? Do you perhaps hold unexpressed feelings for Lady Yoruichi? Do you dream about Her divine beauty at night, PROFANE Her holy self with your disgusting eyes?! Do you DARE to dream about one day romancing Her, She who is so far above you that you are like unto an insect to Her?! Pathetic worm, you INSULT Her with your base interest! _I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT HERE."_

"Holy crap!" Matsumoto squeaked.

"C-Captain, I have NO idea what you're talking about!" Hitsugaya said in pure terror. "I-I have no interest in Lady Yoruichi…"

Soi Fong's foot ground into his chest even harder, and her eyes seemed to glow with wrath. "_WHY THE HELL NOT?! _Are you saying that Lady Yoruichi, the most magnificent woman in Soul Society… nay, CREATION… isn't GOOD ENOUGH for YOU, the 'Great Prodigy'?! That rather than 'waste time' on a being of perfect beauty and wonder, you'd rather spend your days lazing around with your painted-up, over-endowed WHORE over here?!" Soi Fong snapped, gesturing at Matsumoto (Who wisely kept her mouth shut). "You brutish, idiotic SLIME. _I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT HERE." _

Hitsugaya, heart thundering in chest, cold sweat bursting out on his forehead, desperately grasped for a possible lifeline. "No, no, she's far to good for me! That's why I… um… killed off my base desires for her, to leave her for… you…"

"_**HOW DARE YOU**__?!"_

"Crap…"

"You have the sheer GALL to state that _**I **_am in love with Lady Yoruichi?! That my feelings for Her could be summed up by something so TRIVIAL as a hormonal attraction?! I am not ATTRACTED to Lady Yoruichi like some rutting animal, I do not LOVE Her like some star-struck teenager, I WORSHIP Her like the brilliant cocoa-skinned Goddess She is! How dare you try to lessen that adulation, make it into something simple and physical when it is RADIANT AND PURE?! _I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT HERE._"

"I… um… yes, I knew… that… what I meant to say… is… um…" Hitsugaya stammered, the tip of Soi Fong's zanpakuto drawing blood on his throat. "I bear… no… evil lust for Holy Lady Yoruichi because… um… Oh, God…"

"He's gay!" Matsumoto declared. "That's why! Doesn't go for the women! Only men for Captain Hitsugaya, that's the truth! I mean, really, what other explanation could there be?"

"WHAT?!" Hitsugaya snapped.

Soi Fong seemed to consider this. "How gay are you?" she asked.

Seeing the look in her eyes, Hitsugaya sighed sadly. "Um… very. I mean, really, what other excuse could I have for not being blindly in love with Lady Yoruichi?"

"Oh. Well, I guess that's okay then." Soi Fong said, taking her foot off his chest. "I found those papers you wanted…" she began.

By the time she said the word 'found', Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had already fled the office like the hounds of Hell were on their trail.

"… huh. I wonder what's wrong with them?" Soi Fong asked mildly, going back to her work.

* * *

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was one of the few Captains in the Seireitei who was neither liked nor respected. Mayuri was simply despised for his cold-hearted treatment of both enemies and allies, behavior that bordered on… or became… murder. Kurotsuchi was, frankly, near the bottom of the list of people Hitsugaya had wanted to ask for assistance. But hey, he and Matsumoto had stopped by the 10th Division's barracks for lunch, and the 12th division was pretty close by.

"Um… Captain Kurotsuchi, when we realized we needed help, we thought of you…" Hitsugaya really, really lied. He looked around warily at the garbage-filled alley that the other Captain had insisted on meeting in for some reason.

"Ah, Captain Hitsugaya." Mayuri said, his tone of voice slightly higher that usual and his robes badly burned. His eyes kept darting back forth like those of a hunted animal. "How nice to see you. How are you? Good? I'm good. That's good."

"Um… Captain Kurotsuchi, what's going on here? Why are we meeting in an alley?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Oh, that. That's a funny story." Mayuri said in a dazed tone. "You see, the most wonderful little girl came to visit me. She blessed our drab old division with her laughter and the pitter-patter of her adorable feet. Then she pressed some buttons which caused two extremely volatile chemicals to mix together. This created an explosion, which of course ignited all the OTHER chemicals in a horrible cocktail of brutal destruction. Thank God, of course, that adorable little girl was… somehow… completely unharmed. And when she came out of that blazing inferno, the wreckage of my life's work, without so much as a stain on her, she just continued her innocent message of joy and play. And play she did. With all the specimens in the cages." Mayuri said.

"Oh, that's bad…" Hitsugaya winced, seeing where this was going. By this point, he'd sort of managed to piece together which little girl was responsible.

"Ah, the specimen cages. Dozens of fascinating, marvelous creatures." Mayuri said wistfully. "Incredibly dangerous and vicious of course, but still fascinating."

"Um… what sort of creatures?" Matsumoto inquired.

"Oh, you know. One or two tentacled Lovecraftian monstrosities, a few giant vampire bats, radioactive termites, a couple of demon lords…" A giant reptilian monster chose this moment to stomp by the filthy alley they were all meeting in, chasing a crowd of screaming civilians, "Oh, and Godzilla."

"I always wondered what happened to him!" Matsumoto said cheerfully.

"Well," Hitsugaya said. "You clearly have your hands full, so…"

"Oh, my hands full? You mean with the annihilation of everything of value I've ever done, every experiment I've ever undertaken? The total destruction of my LIFE?! Why would I have my hands full with that?!" Mayuri shrieked. "The only thing I have my hands full with… is THIS!" reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a charred, balled-up piece of fabric.

"Oh, dear." Hitsugaya said.

"The darling little girl who destroyed my life came to my door wrapped in THIS." Mayuri growled, unfolding the fabric to reveal a badly beaten-up Captain's Cloak. "This overcoat has a marking on it, Captain Hitsugaya." Mayuri said conspiratorially, as though sharing some incredible secret. "The mark is yours."

"Now, I realize this looks bad, but I assure you…" Hitsugaya began.

"Rip, Ashisogi Jizo." Mayuri growled, his sword growing into the three-pronged golden monstrosity that was its first released form.

"Now, there's really no need for that…" Hitsugaya began.

"Bankai." Mayuri growled, his sword summoning a gigantic centipede with a hideous baby's head. Poison began to spew from its mouth.

"Oh, Hell." Hitsugaya said, drawing his own sword. "Matsumoto, you should probably get at least a mile away. This isn't going to be…" Hitsugaya began.

A huge reptilian foot slammed down on top of Mayuri's bankai, crushing it flat and smashing Mayuri himself from the waist down.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Mayuri screamed in anguish.

"… pretty?" Hitsugaya finished in confusion.

"Yay, Godzilla!" Matsumoto squealed in delight.

"OH GOD, MY LEGS!" Mayuri screamed. "WHY DO THINGS THAT WOULD BE FITTING PUNISHMENT FOR EVIL PEOPLE ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!"

"So… next on the list?" Matsumoto asked.

"Next." Hitsugaya agreed, and the two wandered off.

Godzilla, his opponent vanquished, marched back to the sea.

* * *

One did not go to Captain-Commander Yamamoto for assistance in such a trivial matter, even if one was also a Captain. It simply wasn't DONE.

Unohana had proven herself to be less-than-effective when it came to dealing with Kenpachi Zaraki.

Captain Komamura was… well, he was sort of unimportant. Honestly, nobody could remember the last time he even had any speaking lines. Plus, when you stopped to think about it, he really didn't make much sense. I mean, an Anthropomorphic fox? Aren't all the Shinigami supposed to be the souls of humans? Why the heck is he a fox-person?

Tosen, Ichimaru, and Aizen (Who at this point, Hitsugaya had to admit he might have actually talked to) were not available.

Asking Zaraki for assistance was clearly not an option.

This was a problem, because it left only one Captain among the Gotei 13 whom Hitsugaya might seek out for advice, and it was the person at the absolute bottom of the list. The one Captain who was basically his polar opposite in every way. The one Captain that he had deeply hoped never to have to speak with concerning any personal matter.

"Captain Kyoraku, I want to thank you for taking the time to see us. When I thought of who I would ask for advice for the predicament I find myself in, you were the first person I thought of." Hitsugaya really, REALLY lied.

"No problem, Toshiro! I always have time for the young prodigy who's following in my footsteps!" Shunsui said cheerfully. "I'll assume you want advice on how to land a third one?"

"Actually, this concerns the 11th division… a third what? Wait, how am I following in your footsteps?" Hitsugaya asked cautiously.

"Well of course it concerns the 11th division, she's THEIRS!" Kyoraku said as though it were totally obvious.

"Who?"

"Yachiru!"

"What about her?"

"Well, she's your third, isn't she?"

"My third what?!"

"Vice-captain!"

"But… but I only have one. See?" Hitsugaya said, pointing at Matsumoto. "She's right here!"

"That's true." Matsumoto agreed.

"Oh, there's no need to be coy, Toshiro! I've got my ear to the ground, and I know ALL about your reputation! You sure earned that nickname!" Kyoraku said conspiratorially.

"I… wait, what reputation?! And by nickname, if you mean 'shiro-chan', we might as well save some time and fight right now."

"Oh come on!" Kyoraku said, exasperated. "Your REP! The only person in the Soul Society to simultaneously juggle relationships with THREE vice-captains!"

The room was silent for several seconds as Hitsugaya processed this information.

"Huh?" He asked.

"Well for starters, it is WIDELY assumed that you and Momo Hinamori, that cute little crazy girl who used to work under Sosuke, are something of an item. And by 'assumed', the rumor mill means 'certain'. And by 'something of an item', the rumor mill means 'passionate, star-crossed lovers, seperated by the twisted machinations of a madman but destined to find their way back into each other's arms'."

His face turning so red it looked like his hair would burst into flame, Hitsugaya stammered, "WHAT?! Momo and I are…"

"Just friends, I know, I know. I wouldn't expect you to say anything else, especially with another of your lovely ladies in this very room!" Kyoraku said with a wink.

His expression turning to one of sheer horror, Hitsugaya turned to the one other woman in his life that was likely to inspire such a rumor. Matsumoto whistled innocently and pretended she didn't exist.

"Hell. Yeah." Kyoraku said proudly. "Not only a second woman, AND a second vice-captain…but well, look at her! That body could seduce a blind man! A DEAD blind man! I mean, don't get me wrong, I usually go more for the bookworm types... I love a girl with glasses... but WOW! You're an inspiration to ladies' men everywhere, Toshiro!"

"Well, I AM a catch." Matsumoto agreed demurely.

"…Matsumoto, were you aware of these rumors?" Hitsugaya asked coldly.

"Oh, um… well… a little bit. A TINY little bit." Matsumoto replied nervously.

"And… and what did you say when you heard them? Or if people asked about them?"

"I would just smile knowingly and wink at them." Matsumoto said.

"… So basically, your way of dissuading this rumor is to CONFIRM IT?!"

"I… uh… I thought it was funny? I mean, it was just a harmless little rumor, I figured it wouldn't spread…"

"And it didn't," Kyoraku said happily. "Except, of course, to EVERYONE IN SOUL SOCIETY!"

"Everyone?" Hitsugaya asked hopelessly.

"And then some! I mean, it's not like you two tried to hide it… every day, she wanders into your office and comes out hours later with her robes all rumpled up and her hair in a mess!"

"That's because she spends the whole day sleeping on my couch!"

"Oh, I'm sure she does." Kyoraku said with a twinkle in his eye. "And I'm sure you're CERTAINLY not on the couch with her…"

"I'M MOST CERTAINLY FREAKIN' **NOT**!**"**

**"**Uh-huh. Just like she's 'not' moved into your house? And your neighbors definitely HAVEN'T heard any loud bumping noises coming from your house late at night, oh no!" Kyoraku said sarcastically.

"But… but… but… that's all explainable!" Hitsugaya claimed, realizing as he said it how lame it sounded. "It was a very hectic night!"

"Hectic with the kind of deep connection that only a Captain and his loyal right-hand woman can truly understand." Kyoraku said, blowing a kiss to a picture of his own vice-captain he kept on his desk. Judging by the position of her hand trying to block the camera, it was not a photo that had been taken with Nanao's permission.

"NO! Not hectic that way at all!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Well, let's ask her then. Matsumoto, has anything… unusual happened during your stay at your Captain's house?"

"Captain Hitsugaya has been a perfect gentleman." Matsumoto said primly.

"See?! Thank you, Rangiku." Hitsugaya said gratefully, nodding to her. As soon as he turned away, she smiled wickedly and gave Kyoraku a conspiratorial wink, mouthing the words 'Perfect gentleman… except he isn't gentle!'.

"Heh, heh, heh…" Kyoraku laughed in delight. "But two women… that's just not enough for our resident genius! He's got to make his move on ANOTHER vice-captain! I'll admit she's a little young now, but in five-hundred years that age difference won't mean a thing!"

Hitsugaya's eyes widened in terror. "Kyoraku. Please, please, PLEASE tell me there is not a rumor spreading suggesting that I am currently in the process of trying to date YACHIRU KUSAJISHI."

"Well, not in the strictest sense. The rumor is not 'suggesting' it."

"Oh, god, my life is over…" Hitsugaya said, burying his head in his hands.

"Oh, come now. This isn't so bad… it's the sort of thing people expect of you! You didn't get that nickname for nothing, you know!"

"Oh, lord. What nickname?"

"Um… sir? I think I know which nickname he means, and believe me… you do NOT want to know this." Matsumoto interjected.

"I don't?"

"No. It's really going to piss you off." Matsumoto advised him. "I mean REALLY. Like, a million times worse than 'shiro-chan'."

"That bad?" Hitsugaya said despondently.

"Yup." Matsumoto replied.

"I think it's a great nickname." Kyoraku offered.

"Oh no, it must be REALLY awful!" Hitsugaya moaned. "But… at this point, I have to know. If everyone else knows it, I need to have the information too. Just… just give me a second to prepare myself." He took a deep breath, stretched out all his muscles, and put the hilt of his Zanpakuto in his mouth so he wouldn't hurt his teeth too much when he ground them in fury. "M'tay." He muttered around the sword handle stuck between his teeth.

Kyoraku said one word. "Hitsu-playa."

Hitsugaya bit completely through his sword.

* * *

Byakuya Kuchiki arose from his desk and opened the door to find Hitsugaya standing on the other side of the portal for the second time that day. The young man looked haunted and jittery, like he was being hunted by something. "Is there something else I can help you with?" Byakuya asked.

"Some new information has come to light." Hitsugaya said, his voice unnaturally calm in contrast to his appearance. "It has suddenly become extremely important that I have the 11th division in general and Yachiru in particular completely out of my life as soon as possible." The young captain looked up at Byakuya. "So… about how often would I need to be helping you make dramatic entrances?"

Byakuya smiled, just a tiny, little bit.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Byakuya is a Scary Man. Seriously.

The light behind Byakuya shined brilliantly, and sakura petals blew in the wind around him as he strode forward, the very picture of aristocratic dignity.

Hitsugaya, the person responsible for that effect, sprinted to catch up to him. "Why did I need to do that?!" He demanded. "This room is empty!"

"It's important that you have the practice," Byakuya replied. "After all, putting together an entrance in these controlled conditions is much easier than putting one together in the field. You need to get the entire process down pat."

"I'm seriously beginning to doubt the wisdom of this arrangement…" Hitsugaya muttered.

"Oh, don't worry. You've made a fair trade, Captain… I have made a special study of the 11th division, and know more about how to deal with them than any other Shinigami. Perhaps, even, any other being in all of creation." Byakuya said, flicking on a light to illuminate a huge bank of computers.

"… Since when do we have computers in the seireitei?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Come now, haven't you ever seen our strangely advanced and incredibly out-of-place archives? Or the 12th division's headquarters? Just because we LOOK like feudal Japan doesn't mean we don't also have incredibly advanced _Flash Gordon-_esque technology when it's required by the plot… er, I mean, by circumstances. We're a very contradictory culture, here in Soul Society."

"… fair enough."

"And don't even get me started on the fox-man…"

"OKAY! I GET IT, ALREADY!"

"Just making sure." Byakuya said defensively. "Anyway, like I was saying before, I have assembled a vast and detailed collection on the 11th Division, in case I needed to destroy them one day."

"Well, that's awfully… well, a little creepy, actually. What made you think you'd need to destroy the 11th division?"

"For starters… well, you've met them. They're a pack of crazed morons. I simply assumed, that based on their overall personalities, there was a fifty-fifty chance they'd do SOMETHING in the future that would require me to destroy them."

"Yeah, I can see that." Hitsugaya agreeed.

"But I recently discovered another application for the information. You see, most of the 11th division members have a very similar temperament to Ichigo Kurosaki, and any strategy that could be applied to them could be applied to him, as well. Basically, it was killing two birds with one stone."

"… you want to kill Kurosaki?"

"No, of course not. I have no desire to kill Substitute Shinigami Kurosaki. He is a highly capable warrior, and an effective deterrent to Hollows in the mortal world. I can honestly say that there are few warriors I would rather have fighting alongside me… if I needed anyone fighting alongside me, which I never do. Indeed, having someone fighting alongside me would actually make the fight last longer, since I would have to take care not to accidentally kill my assistant with my immense power. But if I DID need someone, Kurosaki would be an acceptable choice. I have great respect for the young man, and wish him no harm." Byakuya said mildly. Then his eyes filled with icy menace. "Unless, of course, he lays even one finger on my younger sister. Should that happen, I will unfortunately have no choice but to wipe all trace of him from the face of the Earth. I will destroy him, I will destroy all photographs of him, I will destroy all of his possessions and clothing and even stray hairs that he has left in the street. There will be no evidence that he ever existed, beyond the memories of others… and being a Shinigami, I actually have ways to destroy those too. Of course, the odds are good that they will never become a couple, but I just thought I should be ready in case that most foul of relationships comes to be and I am forced to annihilate him."

"… … … oh." Hitsgaya said, eyes wide.

"Now, where were we?" Byakuya inquired mildly, as though nothing had happened.

"Um… 11th division?" Hitsugaya said cautiously.

"Ah, yes, The 11th. It has been an interesting study, if a rather simple one. After all, there is a wealth of data on how to destroy the 11th division, given how many people have actually done it. There are three entire archive chapters on all the times they've been destroyed, and all the things they've been destroyed BY." Byakuya said, bringing up a series of files on the computer displays that all had titles like 'Mass Salmonella Poisoning Decimates 11th division', 'Freak Bankai Accident Leaves 75 Dead: Guess Which Division they were in?', and 'How the Hell did they get Killed by Gerbils?'.

"Hollows, other Shinigami, rabid gerbils, improperly cooked fish, bread with too much yeast in it, falling pianos… They die regularly and with disturbing skill."

"… you know, I think I actually remember reading that gerbil article!" Hitsugaya said.

"Well, it did make the front page of the Seireitei post. Yet, in recent years something has changed, cutting their death toll down to a fraction of the previous rate." Byakuya stated.

"So, their fatality rate suddenly dropped about a century ago? Hmmm… isn't that when Zaraki took command?" Hitsugaya guessed.

"A good guess. He certainly is the most powerful captain they've ever had… but no. In fact, all analysis suggests while his raw power, personal skill, and seeming inability to feel pain should keep HIM alive in nearly any situation, his command style… or lack of command style, I should say… should have resulted in a fatality rate that makes the Bubonic Plague look like Chicken Pox. And yet, his squad members are living longer, healthier lives. Why is this?" Byakuya asked, his tone suggesting he already knew the answer and merely wished to hear Hitsugaya's theories.

"Well, it has to be something that began around the same time that Zaraki became Captain. Come to think of it, didn't all his primary officers enter the division at the same time he did?"

"Exactly." Byakuya said approvingly. "Yachiru Kusajishi, Ikkaku Madarame, and Yumichika Ayasegawa. Seperately, these three are meaningless, but together they have managed to turn the highest casualty rating among the Gotei 13 into… well, still the highest casualty rating among the Gotei 13, but considerably less so. I mean, only three or four of them were killed when Ichigo and his allies invaded, and that was entirely due to a tragic accident with a toaster, not combat actions. In times past, an invasion of Ryoka would have completely wiped out at least ninety percent of the squad."

"Captain Kuchiki, having met the officers in question, I have to state my personal doubt that they could effectively hide Christmas presents from a five-year-old child, much less dramatically improve the performance of soldiers under their command." Hitsugaya said doubtfully.

"True… SEPERATELY. But you have to look at it from the combined perspective. Madarame spends his days sparring almost constantly with anyone he can find, while Yachiru keeps them awake at night with her antics and unending series of giggles, explosions, and infuriated people chasing her. And since Zaraki generally accepts only testosterone-charged, rough-and-tumble madmen in his squad, they're all so creeped out by Ayasegawa that when they DO sleep, they are plagued by nightmares of his preening mannerisms. Consequently, the average 11th division member gets somewhere in the area of one hour of sleep every day."

"But shouldn't that make them MORE likely to die?"

"Not at all. Look here," Byakuya said, pointing at another screen which had a graph displayed on it. "Here we have a chart comparing average time sleeping to average death rate amongst 11th division members. As you can see, the death rate is at its highest when the involved Shinigami get the normal recommended rate of eight hours per night. But when the amount of sleeptime becomes either very large or very small, the average death rate drops significantly in a standard bell curve. When they spend a very long time sleeping, they are spending too much time in bed to get into as much fatal stupidity as normal. And when they spend too LITTLE time sleeping… as they are now… they are too TIRED to kill themselves as efficiently as normal."

"So… you're saying they don't have enough energy to wipe themselves out? And that to remove them as a force of annoyance, all I have to do…"

"Is remove ONE of the three officers who are preventing them from sleeping regularly. After this, the division will become well-rested, and better able to engage in suicidal stupidity. As opposed to the merely NORMAL stupidity they engage in now, I mean."

"I don't know…" Hitsugaya said doubtfully. "I had a very similar suggestion from Captain Soi Fong, and I have to say, the notion of wiping them out really doesn't sit right with me."

Byakuya waved the protest away. "Please, Captain Hitsugaya. As much as I respect Captain Soi Fong, she is utterly lacking in subtlety of any sort. Which… now that I think about it, is a very disturbing quality in the woman who is supposed to be in charge of our spies."

"You may have a point there. And, by the way, if you're ever in her office… with that cat she has on the desk…"

"You touched the cat?" Byakuya said, in the closest to horror he had ever displayed in his life. "And you're still alive?"

"Well… you know how a fox trapped in a snare will chew off its own foot? Turns out that when trapped by a murderous Captain, I will chew off my own dignity. Let's leave it at that." Hitsugaya said sharply.

"… Very well." Byakuya said, apparently sensing that he shouldn't push the subject. "My point is, I am not suggesting we take the extremely undignified path of knifing some thug in an alley. All we must do is engineer a situation that causes even a single one of these three officers to be incapacitated for about a week; lethal force will never be necessary.

"Without these three officers, the 11th division will wipe themselves out as they have done so many times in the past. And unlike those times, they no longer have a Captain who will bother himself with replacing minor things like robes, medical supplies… or people. In fairly short order, the ENTIRE 11th division will consist of Captain Zaraki and his three officers. When that occurs, they will no longer need to use your barracks, and will simple be able to bunk at Zaraki's private residence which, being a captain, he has available to him. They will be out of your life, and you will have done nothing to harm them, merely let nature take its course."

"That is… mildly horrifying." Hitsugaya said thoughtfully.

"Well, I suppose we could think of something else, this WAS our first plan…"

"Hey, I said it was evil, I didn't say we weren't doing it." Hitsugaya interjected. "Sometimes, a Captain has to do horrifying things."

"Fair enough. Now, we need only focus our efforts on a single one of the three officers."

"Yachiru." Hitsugaya said without hesitation. "She's the one that I, personally, most need to get rid of, no question about that. And of the three, she's the most dangerous; Ikkaku may cause fatigue and Ayasegawa disturb restfullness, but Yachiru is the one who wakes them up at night and destroys their sleep cycles. Without her, the whole twisted operation falls apart."

"Hmmm… I agree that she would be the ideal target, but I think you do not fully understand the power you are challenging." Byakuya said, bringing up an image of Yachiru on one of his monitors. The image was covered in analytical notes detailing 'possible weaknesses' and was prominently labelled 'Threat Level Omega'. "The Yachiru has no fear and feels no pain. It has only three moods… 'happy', 'indignant', and 'eating'. And since 'happy' releases toxic levels of cuteness and annoyance, and 'indignant' causes the creature to bite, it is only truly vulnerable when 'eating', which lasts for seconds at most. Yes, the Yachiru would be a valuable victory… but achieving that victory could well cost us both our lives."

"… … seriously?" Hitsugaya asked doubtfully. "I mean, I know she's annoying, but deadly? I mean, she's bit me before and…"

"Really?" Byakuya asked mildly. "Ah, yes, Captain Kyoraku did say something to that effect when last we spoke…"

"NOT THAT KIND OF BITING." Hitsugaya growled, fighting down the urge to drive his zanpakuto in Byakuya's kidneys… and wondering exactly how far that damned rumor had spread if Byakuya, who wasn't exactly gossip-prone, had heard it. "What I mean is, I've been exposed to what you called the 'indignant' mood, and… well, it was bad. Really bad. But I never felt my life was in danger."

"Ah. Ah-ha. Well, I suppose your word on the subject will do." Byakuya said.

"Well, thank-"

"I mean, it's not as though I would know better. It's not as though I have a giant fortress in my basement devoted to defeating the 11th division. It's not as though I've spent the better part of a century gathering information on them, plotting out their weaknesses, and preparing… obsessively preparing, some might say… for the day I would eventually be forced to destroy them." Byakuya said sarcastically. "Oh, wait, I actually HAVE all that. My mistake. Still, your WORD is good enough. The word of the man who's been ALIVE for less time than I have been a CAPTAIN."

"… Have you maybe considered that you're taking all this too personally?" Hitsugaya said.

"I… I… apologize, Captain Hitsugaya. I'll admit that this," Byakuya said, gesturing around the command center, "Looks somewhat bizarre. And I'll admit, at first wiping out one of my fellow Shinigami divisions was only a hobby to me. But… HER." Byakuya said, pointing at the display of Yachiru. "Vice-captain Kusajishi has been a thorn in your side for two days. She has been a thorn in MY side for longer than I care to think about. It is a rare day when I turn around… in my own home, Captain!... and discover she isn't there. Watching. Waiting." Byakuya's eyes took on a slightly haunted cast. "TALKING. Yammering on about ponies, what she had for lunch, where she wishes we could go walking, how much FUN it is to talk to me…" Byakuya continued, saying the word 'fun' like it was toxic. "And calling me Byakushi. BYAKUSHI, Toshiro. Do you have any idea how far beneath my dignity it is to have a nickname like that? They don't even have units to measure it. Sometimes, she just starts jumping around, shouting 'Byakushi' over and over, for no reason at all."

"Yeah, I can see how that would get old."

"NO REASON." Byakuya continued, as if Hitsugaya hadn't spoken. "There's… there's no reason for it. Or… or is there? Some reason beyond the comprehension of men? Something… something that we are not MEANT to know? No." Byakuya whispered harshly, apparently to himself. "No, there CAN'T be a reason. It just… it isn't right for there to be one. There SHOULDN'T be a reason for that girl. There MUST NOT be a reason…" Byakuya continued.

"…are you feeling okay, Captain?" Hitsugaya asked nervously.

"Hmmm?" Byakuya asked, as if waking up from a dream. "I'm sorry, Captain Hitsugaya. I was lost in reverie. What were we speaking about?"

"Yachiru."

"AH. Yes. Her. Well, as I was saying, she is by far the most dangerous of the three. Are you SURE you want to chose her as the target of this operation?"

"… Actually, after seeing how she's scarred you over the course of your association, I think it would be in BOTH of our best interests to get her out of the picture for awhile. Take a break, you know?"

"And you're willing to face the risks?"

"… Captain Kuchiki, I am sitting in your basement plotting how to make the 11th Division tear itself apart by, basically, kidnapping someone. I have, in my pocket, paperwork to have them all assassinated by a lunatic who nearly gutted me for touching her stuffed cat. The mere fact I am willing to consider this course of action should tell you that, at this point, I am not playing with a full deck. Frankly, risk means nothing to me at this point. These people MUST be stopped… no matter the cost." Hitsugaya said grimly.

"… And you say I'm taking this too personally?"

"Hey, I'm not the one with the command center."

"But you've only been dealing with this problem for two days."

"Yes. Apparently, two days is long enough for me to abandon all my morals. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I'm learning to live with it." Hitsugaya said grimly.

"Fair enough. But I'm afraid there's more to this matter than risk, as well. It will require extremely advanced tactical knowledge… knowledge that I fear a Captain simply does not possess."

"Excuse me?"

"Think about it. The most important part of warfare is the ability to think like your opponent, to get inside their head and predict their movements. Do you honestly believe there is any way, any way at all, that we could POSSIBLY think like Vice-Captain Kusajishi?"

Hitsugaya considered that for a second. Then he shuddered. "The rainbows alone would give me nightmares for months." he concluded.

"Exactly. So before we begin our campaign, we will have to acquire a tactical consultant. Someone whose mind works on the exact same level as the target."

"But where will we find someone like that?"

* * *

In her pleasant home in the pleasant town of Karakura in the pleasant Material World, Orihime Inoue whistled a pleasant tune. Chirping birds braided her hair as shining-eyed deer scampered about, doing her laundry. "Ah, life is just so pleasant!" she proclaimed cheerfully. "Now, who wants some of my home cooking?" 

For some reason, all of the friendly creatures of the forest chose this moment to run away as though starving wolves were pursuing them.

"Huh. Oh well, more for me!" she said cheerfully, getting out twenty or thirty random things to throw together in a pot and proclaim to be dinner. Just then, however, a knocking came on her door. Always happy to have visitors, Orihime rushed to answer it.

The light behind Byakuya… or at least his gigai… shined brilliantly, and sakura petals blew in the wind around him as he strode forward into Orihime's dwelling, the very picture of aristocratic dignity.

"Ooooooh…" Orihime said in wonderment.

Hitsugaya ran up behind Byakuya, breathing heavily. "You know, the more I do this, the more I question the need for it…"

Byakuya looked sadly down at the panting young Captain. "I knew it was too early to take you out into the field… it is extremely difficult to make a dramatic entrance if my subordinate is running around playing catch-up."

Hitsugaya's eyes flashed. "Your SUBORDINATE?! I am NOT your–"

"Um, not that I'm not glad for the company, but… why are you two here? We're not exactly close… or from the same world…" Orihime asked.

"Lady Inoue," Byakuya said. "We require your advice on a matter of grave importance. Hundreds of lives, the stability of the Gotei 13, and the very sanctity of Soul Society itself, could depend on your wisdom."

Orihime thought on that for a second.

"Oh." she said.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note REVISED: I... I'm not really sure what happened here.

I just re-read my own chapter, here, and... well, I guess a good night's sleep makes a difference, because looking at it right now, I really don't think I would have posted it. It's kinda bad. I don't know what to say, beyond 'A lot of this stuff seemed REALLY funny to me at about 1am'. Now, some of it seems so tragically UN-funny that a part of me wants to tear the whole chapter down and re-write it.

I won't be doing that, of course. If I were writing a book or something that I would get PAID to revise, I would do it, but this is a FanFic, not _Crime and Punishment. _I feel bad, but... well, there's a reason that I didn't update it during the whole of October. Here's a hint: I have a test Thursday, a test Friday, and two papers plus a third test due next week. Get what I'm saying? I suppose after a month and a half of writer's block and increasingly large, complex school assignments, I should be happy that I managed to produce SOMETHING and at least get the 'plot' (If you can call it that) moving again.

So once, again: If you percieve some change in quality between this chapter and the previous ones? It ain't your imagination. Those chapters ARE better. Go read them again. And review them again.

Sorry about this folks. Hopefully the next chapter will be both higher quality... and posted in a reasonable time-frame.

P.S.: What I said before still stands. West from _Heroes _is still a douchebag.

Chapter 11: Because it isn't Bleach without a little Ichigo

"GOD DAMMIT, THAT LITTLE RAT DID IT TO ME AGAIN!" Matsumoto shrieked in supreme frustration. The weasel that was standing next to her cocked its head in curiosity at her outburst.

"AGAIN! Twice in TWO DAYS he leaves ME to deal with HIS barracks ALONE!" She cast a glare down at the weasel. "DOES HE THINK THIS IS EASY?! That I just really LOVE wading through the fire and chaos raining down over this godforsaken building?! 'Cause I gotta tell ya, Roy… your name is now Roy, by the way… I can think of a LOT of things I'd rather be doing. Like sledding. Or sleeping. Or pounding red-hot railroad spikes through my skull."

Roy the weasel made kind of a chittering noise, and started sniffing around, probably looking for food.

"Ah, why am I unloading to you?" Matsumoto sighed. "You don't care. You're a free spirited little critter, just drifting from day to day, taking life as it comes. Once, Roy, I was happy like you. But those days of joy have passed me, now. All that's left is pain, and sorrow, and…"

"Um… Vice-captain?" A young 10th division officer said, poking her head into the office. "Um, we have a slight problem, and since nobody can find Captain Hitsugaya…"

"Yeah, yeah. That's becoming increasingly common, these days. So what's up?"

"Well, ma'am, maybe it isn't THAT big a problem, but… well, you know that oven we have in the cafeteria? The one for baking things?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, it seems that someone left a cake in there, and now some of the people from the 11th found the cake, and they seem to think that the oven is some sort of magical cake producing machine, and have started worshipping it like a god… they keep attacking anyone else who enters the cafeteria for 'profaning their temple'. I… I think they're drunk, ma'am." the young shinigami said nervously.

"Ouch." Matsumoto winced. "Holding religious services for kitchen appliances? That's some serious drinking, right there. They must have found my secret stash… knew I should have taken the time to go get it, but I really didn't think anyone would be able to crack the safe. Okay, kid… what's your name?"  
"Oh, my name is…"

"Never mind, I'm gonna call you 'Skippy'."

"Oh." The newly christened 'Skippy' said, crestfallen.

"Well, Skippy, I'm gonna need you to get some of our guys together, and block off the cafeteria. Nobody goes in or out, drunken oven cults can be damned violent. I'll be down shortly."

As Skippy went off to fulfill her duties, Matsumoto sighed resignedly. "I always knew it would come to this." she said. "Just me and a weasel, alone and armed only with my sword and his weasel's cunning… against a ferocious pack of drunks praying to a baking tool."

Roy the Weasel looked up at her questioningly.

"No, I don't know how I knew it would come to this. Shut up, I have been sober for literally days, and it's screwing up my thought processes."

Roy, in response, curled up and fell asleep.

"Oh, no you don't! You're coming with me on this one! Jeez, maybe I should've named you 'Toshiro', you're so quick to abandon me…" Matsumoto said, picking up the weasel and holding him in the crook of her arm. "… speaking of which, I wonder where the little abandoner is now? Little jerk, probably off havin' fun while I'm stuck here with the weasel…"

* * *

"OH GOD, IT'S BURNING MY EYEBALLS OUT!" Hitsugaya screamed, desperately pouring ice right out of Orihime's freezer and into his mouth in an effort to quench whatever the Hell it was the the girl had just fed him. 

Byakuya, having had enough sense not to sample the 'food', sighed.

Orihime, who had just demolished nearly a pound of the exact same substance without ill effects (She wasn't exactly sure what it was, despite having made it herself. In her defense, she really didn't pay much attention to things like that.), looked on quizically. "Um… what's wrong, Toshiro? Should I have put salt on it?"

"Oh, sweet lord, it burned like lava mixed with acid…" Hitsugaya gasped after polishing off the last of the ice in the house. "I think some of my Gigai's teeth actually melted…"

"I told you not to eat it." Byakuya said.

"I was being a polite guest! And besides, Matsumoto tells me that Lady Inoue is an excellent cook."

Byakuya just glared.

"… yes, all right, I realize that Matsumoto's endorsement may as well be a stamp marked 'poison'. But the part about being polite stands!" Hitsugaya said defensively.

"There is a fine line between 'polite' and 'suicidal'. For all her good points, and I'm sure she has some, the best Lady Inoue's cooking can be described as is 'awful'. The WORST description doesn't have a human word to live up to it."

"So the dish DID need salt, then!" Orihime said proudly.

Byakuya and Hitsugaya stared at her. "… wow. Your brain just pretty much filters out the entire world, huh?" Hitsugaya said.

"I prefer to think of it as being focussed on the things that really matter!" Orihime said proudly.

"Uh-huh. Just out of curiosity, if your apartment happened to catch fire, what would you do?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Oooh, that's happened before! Silly me, I slept right through it, but the neighbors tell me the fire department dragged me from the building and everything! Tatsuki was so jealous of me… or scared of me, I can never tell the difference." Orihime said cheerfully.

Hitsugaya smiled. "Captain Kuchiki, I do believe that you were absolutely right to bring us here. She's PERFECT."

"Aw, that's nice of you to say…"

"… Perfect in that you have about the same level of common sense as an average houseplant, dear." Hitsugaya said soothingly.

"Well, it's still nice to be complimented." Orihime said firmly.

"PERFECT." Hitsugaya repeated.

"Thanks!" Orihime chirped.

"Lady Inoue, now that you have finished your… well, I suppose since you ate it, we can technically call it 'lunch' even if we can't call it 'food'… but in any case, you've finished it. As I mentioned before, we need your aid with a pressing matter." Byakuya interjected before Hitsugaya complimentingly insulted their hostess again.

"Oh, okay. What do you need?" Orihime asked.

"You know, it's kind of a long story, and… well, I can't help but I feel that we should discuss it elsewhere." Byakuya said, looking around nervously.

"Um… why?" Orihime asked politely. "Is there something wrong with my home?"

"Not exactly, more like a problem with this entire world." Byakuya said. "I really should have considered this before now, but whenever I come to this plane of existence to collect someone, I have the unfortunate tendency to run into…"

Ichigo, in full Shinigami mode smashed in through one of the windows, his enormous zanpakuto at the ready. "DON'T WORRY ORIHIME, I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU!" He shouted boldly.

"HOLY CRAP!" Hitsugaya shouted, leaping about ten feet in shock.

"Hi!" Orihime said cheerfully.

"Aaaaaaand, the rescue-addict makes his appearance." Byakuya muttered. More loudly he said, "Substitute Shinigami Kurosaki, we are NOT here to kidnap anyone. We're taking lady Inoue to Soul Society of her own free will, to aid us with a problem we've encountered, and we'll return her when we're done."

"… you're sure?" Ichigo asked.

"Quite."

"… Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? 'Cause my rescue-sense is tingling."

"Kurosaki, please. You know me. Would I kidnap anyone?" Hitsugaya asked. "We really do just need her help for something, and she'll of course be free to leave whenever she wants. So really, not only are we NOT kidnapping her…" Hitsugaya began.

"_No!" _Byakuya hissed.

"… Since we're actually asking for help, you could argue that we're the ones who need rescuing!" Hitsugaya finished.

"Oh, now you done it…" Byakuya groaned.

Ichigo smirked confidently. "That so? You need help, you've got it!"

"Dammit." Byakuya said.

* * *

"Are the battle lines drawn?" Matsumoto asked. 

"Um… sir, there's only one door into the cafeteria, and we could only really get like three people here to guard it. Doesn't really matter, because the people in there… I can't believe how stupid this sounds… the people in there worshipping the oven aren't really doing a whole lot. They haven't tried to get out, or anything. There aren't any battle lines." Skippy the Shinigami said.

"That attitude is dangerous, Skippy. You weren't here for the great toaster wars of '86. You didn't see the mounds of broken bodies… well, okay, the one guy who got clonked over the head. You didn't see the shattered buildings… because there weren't any, there was just kind of one window that got cracked. Basically, I got really drunk and tried to steal the toaster, and then I hit some guy. But it COULD have been really bad."

"…Actually, the way you describe it, it really doesn't sound like it could have."

"Okay, fair enough, but THIS one, this one could be real bad." Putting Roy the Weasel firmly on her shoulder, Matsumoto tied her hair back with a red headband. "Watch my back, kids. If I'm not out of there in twenty minutes, burn the building down."

"… Um, vice-captain?" One of the Shinigami presents asked.

"Yes?"

"Well, it's just that… well, you're not known for your responsibility. What happens if you don't come out because you decided to stay in and drink with them?"

Matsumoto glared at the young man, her eyes turning icy and cruel. "You clearly," she began coldly and precisely, "Have no idea who you are talking to. If you did, you would know that while I may have my flaws, when it comes to doing my duty, I am absolutely dedicated. I may slack off when it comes to paperwork or things like that, but when the chips are down, I NEVER give in until the mission is completed. UNDERSTAND?!" She snapped, letting off just enough of her spiritual pressure to make the gathered Shinigami feel like a refrigerator had been dropped on their brains.

"Y-yes ma'am…" the young man stammered.

"Good. Now, watch the entrance… I'm going in." Matsumoto said grimly, drawing her sword.

Five minutes later…

"WHOO-HOO!" Matsumoto shouted, slamming down another shot. "Dudes, this oven ROCKS!"

"That's why we worship it!" One of the drunken 11th division members agreed.

"Is it true it had a cake in it?"

"Hell yeah! Our new god provided us with a great bounty of cake!"

"You know what we should do? We should go get ANOTHER CAKE." Matsumoto said in the air of someone claiming they'd found the cure for cancer.

The other drunks in the room looked at her with their eyes wide.

"All right." Said the one who had spoken earlier. "We should TOTALLY start worshipping this new girl."

"Won't that make the oven angry?" another asked.

Matsumoto smirked evilly, picked up a zanpakuto that may or may not have been hers (She couldn't be sure, her vision was a little fuzzy), and in a single swift move, cut the oven in half.

"Ooooooooooooh…" The small crowd of drunks said appreciatively.

"I have slain the old gods! All of the world is now my domain!" She roared, wobbling slightly and taking another shot of sake' even as she spoke. Some of it spilled on the floor, but she didn't seem to notice.

"All hail Matsumoto! What is thy will, my goddess?"

Matsumoto looked at their supply of liquor, which was painfully close to empty. "You know, there's a really nice bar nearby, and every good religion deserves a crusade..."

* * *

Back on Earth, Hitsgaya shuddered. 

"Is something wrong, Toshiro?" Orihime inquired politely.

"I just have this sudden, soul-deep feeling that something has gone terribly wrong." Hitsugaya said. "I'm sure it's nothing. Now… do you have any kings?"

"Go fish!" Orihime said cheerfully.

The two had unearthed a deck of cards in order to pass the time while Byakuya and Ichigo yelled at each other. Well, to be fair, only Ichigo was yelling, and mostly because he just sort of had a loud voice anyway. But Byakuya was kind of frowning a little more than usual, and for him, that was basically the same as screaming at the top of his lungs for hours on end.

"I am well aware of your enjoyment of rescuing things. However, this particular situation requires a scalpel, and you are a battering ram. Possibly a bulldozer… maybe a nuclear warhead. My point is, you're not very subtle."

"I'm plenty subtle!" Ichigo said, emphasizing the point by waving his sword that was larger than he was.

Byakuya was silent.

"… okay, I'm not subtle! But I'm really good at smashing things, and you might need that! Besides, when someone needs help, I help! That's basically my entire character!"

"We do need help. We do not need YOUR help." Byakuya said.

"Maybe we shouldn't be so hasty," Hitsugaya said. "I mean, he might be able to help."

"No, he cannot." Byakuya said confidently.

"Sure I can!" Ichigo said just as confidently.

"I think you should give Ichigo a chance!" Orihime said.

"Big surprise there…" Byakuya muttered under his breath. More loudly he said, "Maybe, if the initial plan fails, we can come up with some sort of back-up plan which involves the use of Kurosaki in his usual role as a blunt instrument to be smashed against our foes. However, until then, it is probably best to keep him away from any situation that involves anything resembling the need for intelligence."

"Ah, maybe you're just selling him short. Kurosaki, you can have ideas, right? Come up with an idea." Hitsgaya encouraged.

"Oh, now you've done it." Byakuya said. "You just insist on making your own life worse, don't you?"

"What? Kurosaki is JUST LIKE the entire 11th division! We came here for insight into their minds, he can provide it. Why, right now he could provide the very idea we need to solve this whole problem, and I think we should give him a cha-" Hitsugaya began.

"I could use my bankai!" Ichigo said, cutting him off.

"… huh?" Hitsugaya said.

"Damn." Byakuya said.

"BANKAI!" Ichigo suddenly roared, thrusting his sword out directly in front of him (And slicing Orihime's table in half) and beginning to glow. Massive waves of force began to flow off him. The world began to rumble, the sky darkened, and pillars of light burst out of the ground.

"IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME ACTION, GOTTA BE THE CENTER OF A-TRACT-TION!" some voices sang from out of nowhere.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Hitsugaya shouted in shock.

"That was the cheesy 80's theme music. It plays when he does something cool." Byakuya sighed. "You've never heard it before?"

"Well, no, I mean I don't spend that much time around him…" Hitsugaya said, casting a wary eye at Ichigo who was still glowing and creating gale-force winds inside Orihime's home. "What's he doing?"

"Using his bankai."

"I got that. Why?"

"He just sort of does this when I'm around. I think he realized that the time he fought me is the coolest thing he's ever going to do, and he wants to relive it. Look… can we leave? He's going to be busy for awhile…"

"Did you see that?" Ichigo said. "I just threw off a big beam of light that went up to the sky, and the camera panned around me, and I made a tornado! Damn, I rock."

"Okay, I'll admit this is odd, but maybe he just needs to get it out of his system?" Hitsugaya said doubtfully. "He COULD still provide useful ideas."

"Oh, come now, you must have realized by now that even in his own group, Kurosaki is not exactly the brains of the organization. He doesn't have ideas, he kills things." Byakuya said.

"Hey, Ichigo is smart! He thinks of good stuff all the time!" Orihime protested.

"Hell yeah! So powerful I made the windows shatter!" Ichigo said as he continued to power up, shattering all glass within a five-block radius.

"… … my windows…" Orihime said sadly. "Okay, maybe he's not that smart," she admitted.

"… OF ATT-RACT-TION!" The cheesy 80's theme sang.

"Now do you believe me?" Byakuya said. "We are wasting our time here. We should simply take Lady Inoue and return to begin planning our next actions."

"Captain Kuchiki, maybe Kurosaki is not terribly bright in the traditional sense, but I stand by my beliefs that he understands the mindset of the 11th division as few outside the division itself do. And once he finishes his bankai, I believe we could find SOME way to make use of this knowledge!" Hitsugaya said firmly.

Fifteen minutes later…

"Oh yeah, did you freakin' see that?! Did you see how cool I am?! Maybe a few more sweet light beams, a tornado comes down from the sky onto me, lightning strikes my sword and fills me with power… yeah, my bankai totally rules." Ichigo said

"… let's get the Hell out of here." Hitsugaya grumbled, his patience finally snapping.

"You think this is bad? The last time I saw him do this, he actually gave a speech before he started." Byakuya said.

"IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME ACTION…" The cheesy 80's theme began to sing.

"SHUT UP!" Hitsugaya roared.

"Hey, guys, where are you going?" Ichigo asked in confusion as the three walked out of the apartment. "I'm almost halfway done!"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: On the Forging of New Alliances

Normally, running a bar in the Seireitei was pretty calm. Shinigami were, by-and-large, a pretty calm bunch. Oh, there were a few exceptions, but if one paid attention, one would notice they were almost all in the higher-numbered divisions, the 11th especially. Thus, when it came time to open his bar, Asuza chose to pay the extra money for a location near the 1st division's headquarters, as far from the madmen as possible. Nearly all his customers were calm, respectable nobles from the 1st Division, and trained, professional security officers from the 2nd. He did a good business, nothing that would make him wealthy, of course, but enough to live (be dead?) on, he suffered few damages to his property, and generally prospered. Things were comfortable and quiet.

Or at least they used to be.

"You know why we do this, right?" The 11th division officer said to Asuza, who, like the rest of his bar staff, had been tied to a table with something that looked suspiciously like a rope made of beef jerky. "We are on a HOLY CRUSADE, and the Goddess demands the finest of sacrifices of lickers… liquorices… drinks. She wants drinks. And she is SOOOOOOOOOOO hot, we GOT to get her some drinks. For her. To drink. You… you… dude? I LIKE this carpet!" The man said, although he wasn't actually looking at the CARPET so much as the CEILING. Asuza didn't really know how to answer that, but it turned out to not really matter, since the man passed out shortly afterwards.

"He has reached enlightenment!" said one of the other men who had broken in to steal all the liquor.

"Hail the Goddess!" the others shouted.

One of the waitresses shifted within the inexplicable meat-rope to look at Asuza. "Um… what the Hell?" she asked simply.

"Just shut up, ignore them, and hope they go away." Asuza said sagely. He watched as two of them began to argue whether or not they should 'Drink the liquor now' or 'bring it back to be blessed by the Goddess'… although to be fair, it was a little doubtful whether they were truly arguing with each other, because they most definitely weren't LOOKING at each other. "Besides, I honestly think that the less we understand this, the happier we'll be in that long run."

* * *

"So, um… not that this isn't a nice place, and all, but I've gotta ask something." Orihime said, looking around Byakuya's command center.

"Of course." Byakuya said, "Ask anything."

"Well, I just couldn't help but notice the huge bank of computers."  
"Yes. And?" Byakuya asked.

"Well, it's just that outside, they don't even have electric lights on the streets, but inside the building you've got sophisticated super-computers, and…"

"Yes, sometimes we have feudal Japanese technology and communication via butterfly; and sometimes we have technology more advanced than anything a mortal could ever dream of." Hitsugaya said impatiently.

"Captain, stop being rude. She's a guest." Byakuya said.

"What? We've been over this before! Besides, you know if she keeps asking about the supercomputers, eventually she's going to bring up the Captain Komamura, and we don't have time to be discussing the nuances of why one person, in all the world, looks like a fox."

Byakuya sighed. "Good point."

"Why DOES he look like a fox?" Orihime asked.

"… well, actually, I've always thought that maybe Captain Kurosutchi had something to do with it." Hitsugaya said. "I mean, that seems like something that could happen, right? It would be like him to screw up some poor guy, make him look like a fox, then just toss him back out into the world."

"Maybe he's a mutant? You know, like the X-men?" Orihime suggested.

"Oh, come now. This isn't a comic book." Hitsugaya said. Then his eyes widened. "Um… I mean… uh…"

"Shhhhhhh!" Byakuya hissed.

Nobody said anything for a few seconds, looking around nervously to make sure they hadn't accidentally destabilized reality.

"I vote," Byakuya said after nothing went wrong, "That we change the subject."

"Agreed." the other two quickly said.

"Now, Lady Orihime, you are probably wondering why we've brought you here." Byakuya said.

"Well, it crossed my mind, but then I noticed that this house is sort of drab, and I've been trying to think of ways to decorate it."

"EXCELLENT." Hitsugaya said happily. "Lady Orihime, you are a marvel. By failing to question why we have dragged you to another dimension in favor of considering interior decorating, you have once again proven that your mind works absolutely perfectly for the purposes of this assignment."

"Aw, thanks…" Orihime said, blushing.

"Don't thank us yet, Lady Orihime. For even with the considerable power and knowledge at our fingertips, there is a chance that none of us will survive the battle to come. We know for certain that without your tactical mind, we would not have even that slim hope." Byakuya said somberly.

Orihime blinked a few times. "… … … tactical mind?" she said in confusion.

Hitsugaya smiled. "PERFECT," he said.

"And now, Lady Orihime, it is time we reveal the horror we require your aid to combat." Byakuya interrupted. He accessed his computer, bringing up the extensive file on Yachiru. The happy little pink-haired girl appeared on the screen, smiling cheerfully.

Orihime stared at it for a few seconds.

"… you can't be serious." Orihime said bluntly.

"Yes, it's difficult to believe how terrifying she is, isn't it?" Byakuya said in a hushed tone. "I feel as though I'm staring into the cold, merciless eyes of death itself…"

"She's like, ten years old."

"Actually, she's closer to around three-hundred." Hitsugaya said.

"Still, I mean… have you ever talked to her? She's a child. What could she have possibly done to merit all this?"

"Well, she…" Hitsugaya began.

"A CHILD?" Byakuya asked in disbelief. "LOOK at it, Lady Orihime. Gaze into its souless eyes, and tell me… is THIS a child?!" he said, pointing at a picture of Yachiru eating some cotton candy and smiling cheerfully.

"… yes." Orihime said.

"… … … all right, I admit this isn't the best image to properly convey the depths of this creature's horror. But I will tell you, that horror is THERE." Byakuya said desperately.

"Captain Kuchiki, maybe I should do the talking on this subject. I realize that you have been scarred by your dealings with Yachiru…" Hitsugaya began.

"THE Yachiru." Byakuya said meaningfully. "Calling her just 'Yachiru' makes her sound too… human…"

"See? That's what I mean. You're scaring Lady Orihime."

"She NEEDS to be scared." Byakuya replied steadfastly. "She has no idea of the power and terror we face."

"And we're not gonna convince her by acting like terrified three-year-olds! We need to approach this from a logical perspective."

"It sounds kind of like you two really lost track of 'logical perspectives' awhile ago." Orihime said doubtfully. "It's really starting to sound like you're asking me to help you kill Yachiru."

"Not kill. If I wanted to kill her, I'd be having this discussion with Captain Soi Fon… from a safe distance. No, we merely need to lure her into a situation wherein she will be… incapacitated for a few days, a week at most. That will serve our purposes nicely." Hitsugaya said, choosing his words carefully to avoid sounding insane.

"… so you want to kidnap her."

"Nooooo! Not at all!" Hitsugaya said, shaking his head to emphasize that what he had in mind was TOTALLY not kidnapping. "We just want to clandestinely steal her from her legal guardians and hold her captive for an undetermined period of time! … … crap, that's kidnapping, isn't it."

"Yeah."

"Okay, so we DO want to kidnap her. But we're not going to hurt her, and it's for a good cause!" Hitsugaya said.

"What good cause?" Orihime asked.

"To annihilate the entire 11th division." Byakuya said bluntly.

"… … You see, that's why I wanted to do the talking." Hitsugaya muttered, seeing Orihime's terrified expression.

"Well, she was going to figure it out eventually." Byakuya reasoned.

"HOW?! It's not like it's a terribly obvious motivation!" Hitsugaya asked exasperatedly.

"Oh, I don't know. I think it becomes a little more obvious once you realize that BOTH OF YOU ARE COMPLETELY INSANE." Orihime said. Turning on her heel, she began to walk for the door.

"Shame about Kurosaki, isn't it?" Byakuya said idly.

"… What?" Orihime asked, stopping her exit in mid-stride.

"Well, it's just that I couldn't help but notice you have a certain fondness for him, which he doesn't seem to return. At least not to the extreme degree you display." Byakuya said calmly. "It's possible, just possible, that he may have something blocking his view of what a special girl you truly are."

"… Go on." Orihime said suspiciously.

"Well, I couldn't help but notice that he happens to spend a great deal of time with my younger sister. And Ichigo… well, he's a teenager. And he routinely goes into battle with Rukia by his side, and this war-born comraderie, combined with his youthful hormones…" Byakuya continued. "Well, it's possible that this time spent together has caused young Kurosaki to develop an attachment to Rukia… an attachment that, by all rights, should be given to you. You deserve it, after all; you're an amazing young woman. Demure, modest, beautiful, and clever." Byakuya said.

"… … … … that's true." Orihime agreed, after thinking about it for a few seconds.

"It certainly is. Unfortunately, young Kurosaki's silly, hormonal obsession with my sister has caused him to somehow miss how truly amazing you are. That's sad. Isn't that sad, Captain Hitsugaya?" Byakuya asked.

"Totally sad." Hitsugaya agreed somberly.

"You know… that IS sad!" Orihime said. "I mean, I'm great!"

"You certainly are." Hitsugaya agreed.

"So great, that you should be able to have any man you want. And you want Kurosaki, right?" Byakuya chimed in.

"Right!" Orihime agreed enthusiastically.

"Well, you should have him, then!" Byakuya said. "But wait… Rukia is in the way, isn't she?"

"Yeah… yeah she is! He's still obsessed with her!" Orihime said, as though she had come to this conclusion all on her own.

"Yes… yes he certainly is. It's a shame. Isn't it a shame, Captain Hitsugaya."

"Damn shame." Hitsugaya agreed somberly.

"If only there were some way we could help this fine young lady out. Some way we could get Rukia out of the way, and leave the fine young man of her dreams… all to her." Byakuya said sadly. "If only there were some way to make SURE that Rukia was taken out of the picture and NEVER, EVER could possibly steal Kurosaki from this fine young lady. Like, I don't know… the head of her clan forced her into an arranged marriage with a proper shinigami of noble upbringing. That would be the perfect solution; it would take Rukia out of the running for Kurosaki's heart, AND it would benefit her family. Rukia wouldn't even mind; she's a noblewoman, she knew that one day she would eventually have to marry for that good of the clan. Yes, it would truly be the best solution to this problem."

"Yeah, that would be great." Orihime said wistfully.

"If only we had the head of Rukia's family here to do that…" Byakuya said sadly.

"Waaaaaait… Captain Kuchiki, aren't YOU the head of Rukia's family?" Hitsugaya said, with the air of someone who had just solved an immensely difficult riddle.

Byakuya looked down at himself, as though he had never before noticed what family he was in. "Why, I believe I am."

"That means that you could help this poor girl find true love!" Hitsugaya said.

"You could!" Orihime agreed.

"Yes… yes I believe I could." Byakuya said. "If, of course, this poor girl were to do ME a favor in return…" he said, glancing meaningfully at his anti-11th-division computer bank.

Orihime looked at it too. "… … … sooooo… we're just gonna kidnap her for a few days, then let her go?"

"That's all." Byakuya agreed.

"And nobody get's hurt?"

"Honestly, if we go by how my week has been progressing so far, the only one likely to be hurt in this operation is me." Hitsugaya said sadly.

"… ... … And you'll find Rukia a good husband? I don't want her to get married to a jerk." Orihime said.

"Of course!" Byakuya said confidently. "I've already got a perfect choice. He's noble, wealthy, a vice-captain in the Gotei 13, incredibly fat… er, I mean, he's healthy. Quite healthy. Yes, he'll be a good husband to Rukia and a fine addition to the Kuchiki clan."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened. "The 2nd division lieutenant? That fat guy? You'd really marry your sister to that guy?"

"Why not?"

"… you've met him, right?"

"All right, all right. So maybe he's not the best choice after all… although I will miss the obscene amount of money he'd bring with him. The point is, I'll think of SOMEONE, and it'll be someone good. Do we have your support?" he asked, turning back to Orihime as he did so.

Orihime seemed to be thinking it over, chewing on her lower lip and looking distraught.

"You know, you and Kurosaki will be graduating from high school soon. If you don't hurry, you won't have enough time to make him your high school sweetheart, and that'll make it harder to marry him later…" Byakuya said idly.

"I'm in." Orihime said firmly.

* * *

Zaraki was beginning to notice something was a little off.

For starters, nearly every single one of his officers were drunk. That, in and of itself, wasn't terribly unusual; they were often drunk. But none of them were drunk in a BAR, and that was very odd. Further, they were all actually present, in the Division 10 barracks… were they were SUPPOSED TO BE.

His officers were NEVER where they were supposed to be. They were usually off starting fights, and eating snacks, and gambling… you know, derelicting their duties, like normal people. Zaraki didn't care much for stupid stuff like protocol, and paperwork, and maintaining an effective security perimeter. If a Hollow happened to show up, then whoever happened to come along to fight it would fight it, and that was cool. A very zen soul, Captain Zaraki was, and that was a philosophy he had passed on to his subordinates. He would have certainly expected SOME of them to be present in the 10th's barracks, because it was a place to be, and they just randomly showed up at places to be. But for ALL of them to be there… something was clearly wrong.

Furthermore, it looked like some of them were… were TALKING to members of the 10th division, albeit only a few, who were also pretty drunk. That seemed odd too. The 10th division members were sissies, why would they be doing something as cool and laid-back as drinking while on duty? And why were HIS soldiers being nice to them, instead of starting a brawl, like usual?

Something was going very, very wrong amongst his soldiers, and as their Captain, it was his solemn duty to discover exactly what. But with a situation as strange and off-putting as this one, he would have to pursue information with subtlety and care.

Grabbing the nearest person, he picked him up off the floor by his neck with one hand. "What's going on?" He growled.

"Hey, it'sh cap'n Zarki… Zakrar… it'sh the cap'n!" Said the man, cheerfully. "Oooh, but the Goddessh shaid we shouldn't talksh to yoush. Sorry."

"Ah. Well, if you're not supposed to talk to me, that's okay. I totally understand." Zaraki said happily.

Then he slammed the guy completely through the nearest wall.

"All right, anyone else not wanna talk?" He asked in the same happy tone.

Even the drunks got the hint.

After smashing a few more people through walls (Not for any particular reason, he just enjoyed doing it), Zaraki finally came upon the 10th division's cafeteria, which he had determined was the center of the strange force that had taken over his division. There were some guards in place, but they were actually even more intoxicated than the average person hanging around the barracks seemed to be, and were in no condition to stall Zaraki… although to be fair, it wasn't as though they could have possibly even slowed him down, even if they were completely sober. He simply walked past them and opened the door. His one exposed eye widened when he saw what was inside.

For starters, the whole room smelled like a distillery. Bottles of alcohol that looked like they'd been stolen from half the bars in the Seireitei were scattered around in huge piles, some of them empty, some of them still full of liquor. Scattered amongst the piles of discarded bottlers were several Shinigami, mostly from the 11th division, who had clearly been hard at work emptying those bottles.

Oh, and the entire room had been remade to look like some sort of ancient temple, and there was a large group of people worshipping his new apprentice, what's-her-name.

"Halt, unbeliever! You have entered ::hic:: holy ground!" Matsumoto proclaimed rather shakily. "I command upon you to leave, before I… before… well, I'm gonna do somethin'. And it'll be WRATHFUL."

Zaraki drew his sword.

"On the other hand," Matsumoto said, "It's a free country, who's to say you can't walk anywhere you want? I mean, you're not a member of my religion, so you can hardly be bound by its scriptures. Go ahead and stay, if you want." Matsumoto said much more lucidly.

Zaraki narrowed his eye. "Are you even drunk?"

"Several centuries of intense alcoholic consumption have left me with the ability to pretty much shrug intoxication off at will." Matsumoto said primly.

"I don't think alcoholism works that way… but then, I guess I also have to factor in that we're all actually dead, so fair enough. Now, moving on…" Zaraki gestured to the group of people kneeling at Matsumoto's feet, worshipping her and totally ignoring the conversation she was having. "What's all this?"

"Oh, well, these people are sorta worshipping me as a goddess, and I've been manipulating them to get free drinks, because I was hammered."

"But you just said you weren't…"

"I know, but saying that I did something as ridiculous as inspiring a cult to worship me just to get free drinks? It sounds a whole lot better if I say 'I'm drunk', as opposed to the real truth, which is just that 'I'm really irresponsible when I'm not actively on assignment, and I sort of felt like doing it'." Matsumoto admitted.

"Uh-huh. So you've started your own religion on whim?" Zaraki asked.

"Well, not really 'started' so much as 'taken over for my own selfish purposes'. I mean, they were worshipping the OVEN. I just figured I could put them to better use. I know, I know, it's irresponsible, and I should be doing paperwork or something, but…"

"What the Hell are you babbling about?" Zaraki interjected. "This is totally awesome! Acting on a whim and doing crap that doesn't make sense for no reason other than personal amusement? That's the spice of life! I knew there was a reason I took you under my wing!"

"Oh, that's right, you're not MY Captain, you're the psychotic one!" Matsumoto said.

"And proud of it!"

"Well… you wanna join my cult? They're a lot of fun. Hey, watch this." Putting on her drunken and domineering 'Goddess' persona, Matsumoto said, "MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS! Your Goddess… that's me, right? Yeah, that's me. Well, I accept your gifts of drinkses. BUT… could I get some pretzels, hmmmm? Could use some pretzels."

"The Goddess demands pretzels! TO WAR!" Several of the gathered worshippers roared, running (albeit not in a straight line) to go find and rob a pretzel store.

"Isn't that COOL?" Matsumoto squealed. "So, you want in? You can be, like, my high priest or something."

Zaraki grinned. "Heh. Why not? Could be fun."

* * *

Back in the hidden command room under the Kuchiki Manor, Hitsugaya shuddered.

"Are you okay, Mr. Toshiro?" Orihime asked, concern evident in her voice.

"So… this may sound a little odd, but did either of you just get the feeling that something has gone horribly, irreparably WRONG?" Hitsugaya asked.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Plans

_Rukia wouldn't even mind; she's a noblewoman, she knew that one day she would eventually have to marry for that good of the clan_. – Byakuya Kuchiki, previous chapter.

Let these words stand as immortal testament to the fact that Byakuya Kuchiki is NOT always right.

Rukia Kuchiki clenched and unclenched her fists, occasionally uttering something that was more of a feral growl than actual words. The unfortunate Hell Butterfly that had delivered knowledge of her impending nuptials lay on the floor in a smoking heap, one of its wings still twitching slightly.

"Um, Rukia? I was walking home from Ori… okay, never mind where I was walking from." Ichigo said quickly. I think we'd all prefer to forget that chapter ever happened. "Anyway, I was on my way home, and I couldn't help but notice the sun has vanished from the sky and ominous latin chanting is rebounding through my house, as though the very spirits of evil had risen up from Hell. Do you know anything about that?"

Rukia turned to look at him, her eyes glowing red with the fires of wrath.

Ichigo looked at her for a second.

"You know, on second thought, you look busy. I'll just… just go get a snack or something, and you… you carry on." Ichigo said, and got the heck out of there.

Rukia, lightning dancing between her outstretched fingers, began to walk toward the nearest gate to the soul society. Crows, sensing death approaching, began to circle overhead. Plants withered as she walked past them. Wolves began to howl in the distance… in JAPAN. I don't even know if wolves live in Japan, but they were definitely howling.

Byakuya was _SCREWED._

* * *

Hitsugaya rubbed his temples, even though, by this point, he knew that NOTHING would make the headache any better. "You know, Captain Kuchiki, I'm aware that being able to think like your enemy is an essential aspect of strategy. However, I'm beginning to fear that maybe Lady Inoue is just a little TOO much like Yachiru to help plot against Yachiru." 

"What was wrong with my plan?" Orihime asked defensively.

"Well, given that the plan… the ENTIRE plan… was simply to send Yachiru a basket of cookies, it really seems that it wouldn't accomplish the intended goal of incapacitating her. At all."

"… okay, maybe that plan wasn't great." Orihime admitted. "But the other plans…"

"Lady Inoue, you haven't come up with any other plans."

"… okay, so maybe the FIRST plan wasn't great, but that's just because it was the first one! I'll think of better plans!"

"It took you an hour to think of this one."

"… … … I'm not good at planning!" Orihime said, running out of the room crying.

"Oh, well done, Captain. You made our strategic genius cry." Byakuya said coldly.

"I… I… I didn't mean to!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Well, what did you expect was going to happen? You were so mean to her! No wonder you've had to resort to men, if that's how you treat a refined young lady…"

"… … wait, what?"

"Well, I heard from Captain Soi Fon that you told her…" Byakuya began.

"OKAY, OKAY, I GET IT!" Hitsugaya said hurriedly. "Damn, I should've known that would come back to bite me… I was kinda hoping that 'Hitsu-playa'… ugh… would cancel that one out before it got started."

"Well, actually, the two rumors have sort of merged…" Byakuya began.

"Oh, so now the gossips of the seireitei are saying I'm a _bisexual _man-whore?"

"Basically, yes. If by 'gossips' you mean 'everyone'."

Hitsugaya rubbed his temples. "You know, it's getting to the point where I can't tell if I'm getting a series of headaches or just one really long one…"

"Yes, well, as stunning as this conversation has been, we should probably go find lady Orihime. We're going to need her brilliant tactical mind!"

"You know, I'm starting to think that maybe she isn't going to be that much help after all…" Hitsugaya began.

"Yes, we certainly need her help!" Byakuya said more loudly, pretending Hitsugaya hadn't spoken.

"It's just she really hasn't helped much so far, and…"

"Yes, her aid is critical!" Byakuya said even more loudly.

"… okay, are you just acting like this because you don't want to admit you had a bad idea?"

"… all right, smart guy. Look at it from THIS perspective: she's a Ryoka. Do you remember the last time she was running around this place unsupervised?"

Hitsugaya thought about that for a second.

"Okay, yeah, we should go find her." He agreed.

* * *

The dart whirled through the air, striking the bullseye dead-on and dislodging a dart currently there.

Or course, Yumichika mused, that was the sort of thing that usually happened when he and Ikkaku played darts. The two of them had been soldiers for several lifetimes, and after that, ones aim tended to be pretty good. Thus, when they played darts, they both tended to hit the bullseye on every throw.

Consequently, they only played darts when they were really, REALLY bored.

"I'm really, REALLY bored." Ayasegawa said, always one to share his feelings.

"Yeah." Ikkaku agreed.

"We haven't done much for awhile, have we?"

"Nope." Ikkaku agreed.

"Maybe we should go outside and, y'know, do something productive with our time." Ayasegawa said.

Just then, half a dozen clearly drunk men ran by the room they were in, carrying what appeared to be enough pretzels to feed a small family of whales, screaming (With various levels of sobriety) "FOR THE GODDESS!" They were followed by a small contingent of weasels, whom apparently nobody had bothered to catch yet.

"On the other hand," Ayasegawa said, "Maybe we should just stay in here."

"Yeah." Ikkaku agreed, throwing a dart. It hit the bullseye.

* * *

Byakuya was just in the middle of suggesting that since his home was so very, very large (Due, he subtly hinted, to his vast wealth), the two of them should split up to find Orihime, when Hitsugaya shuddered. 

"What's wrong now?" Byakuya said.

"I just got that FEELING again. You know… that feeling that maybe, while I'm busy here, something really, really bad is going on that I could be stopping if I was there." Hitsugaya said doubtfully. "Maybe… maybe I should check in. Matsumoto doesn't do well when she's unsupervised, and she's all alone! Oh God, what if she fell asleep, and then the 11th division started another fire or something?! She could be in mortal danger!"

**Meanwhile, at that exact second**** at the 10****th**** division HQ…**

"Supreme High Priest Zaraki, have you blessed the Holy Pretzels?" Matsumoto asked, having again, through her immense powers of alcohol, CHOSEN to become drunk.

"::HIC!:: Heh, heh, heh… oh, yeah." Zaraki said drunkenly, a bottle of something that looked like whiskey and smelled like paint thinner in his left hand and Captain Unohana crushed to his chest by his right.

"Note to self… the next time you feel like checking up on Captain Hitsugaya to see if he's sleeping better, just let him freakin' rot." Unohana muttered darkly.

"Then pass the Holy Pretzels amongst the Faithful, that they may be eaten for their Divine Flavor mixes well with that of the Most Sacred Alcohol!" Matsumoto proclaimed. "SHOTS ALL AROUND!"

"ALL HAIL THE GODDESS!" The assembled drunks roared.

**Back at Kuchiki Manor…**

"I HAVE to get back to HQ, my vice-captain might need me." Hitsugaya said, determination set in his features.

"Captain, you have to focus." Byakuya urged him. "Anything you could do at your headquarters now would be nothing but a temporary measure. If you truly want to help Vice-captain Matsumoto, then deal with the problem PERMANENTLY, right here and right now!"

"Dammit, Kuchiki… all right. I'll play along with you… for now. But I swear, if Rangiku is hurt because of your scheming…" Hitsugaya growled, turning away from Byakuya to begin his search.

**Back at 10th Division HQ…**

"Whoo! Hey, you know what we need? NACHOS!" Matsumoto squealed.

"WHOO-HOO!"

**Back at Kuchiki Manor…**

Kuchiki Manor was very large, but Shinigami Captains were very fast, so the epic hunt actually lasted somewhere in the area of five minutes before, before Hitsugaya ran across their missing 'tactician'. Unfortunately.

"Oh, for the love of…" Hitsugaya said exparastedly. "Lady Orihime, this is NOT productive."

Orihime had, true to her nature, had basically just gone off to do whatever she felt like doing… and as per usual, this had involved finding the Kuchiki's extensive kitchens, digging out some seemingly random ingredients, and preparing and eating something that nobody in their right mind would consider food. The issue at hand, however, was WHO she was eating her bizarre meal with.

"Hi, Shiro-chan!" Yachiru said. "Big-boobies and I are making foods!"

"… Captain. Hitsugaya. Not 'shiro-chan'. CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA." Hitsugaya said, although deep in his heart he knew it was a waste of effort.

"Who?"

"… God dammit, I hate you."

"Who?"

"Okay, screw strategy, screw subtlety, I'm gonna kill her." Hitsugaya said reaching for his sword.

"You shouldn't be so mean to big-boobies!" Yachiru said severely. "Yeah, she's kinda dumb and her cooking tastes like foot, but that's no reason to kill her!"

Orihime's eyes widened. "You're gonna kill me?!" she protested. "I'm sorry the plan was so bad, but don't you think you're over-reacting?!"

His hand halfway to the hilt, Hitsugaya froze, his mouth dropping open. "You… she… I… kill you!... you can't be THAT stupid!" He sputtered at Yachiru.

"Who?"

Hitsugaya just stared at her, his mouth opening and closing several times, but no words managing to work their way out through his horrible rage.

"Hee, shiro-chan is silly!" Yachiru giggled, jumping up on his shoulder to pat him on the head.

"AH-HEM!" Someone said from outside the door.

"What? I'm busy watching the last semblance of sanity I still have dissolve into twisted chaos." Hitsugaya said.

"… There are people in this room. Don't you have a job to do?" Byakuya said from outside the door.

"You CANNOT be serious!"

"Need I remind you we have a contract?"

"FINE!" Hitsugaya snapped, leaving the room.

Twenty seconds later, the light behind Byakuya shined brilliantly, and sakura petals blew in the wind around him as he strode forward, the very picture of aristocratic dignity. He turned around to look at Hitsugaya. "There, was that so hard?" he asked.

"I hate you."

"Oh, calm down. It can't be as bad as you make it out to be; Renji never complains."

"Would you kill Renji for complaining?"

"… … … … I don't feel any need to answer that question."

"Yeah, I'm guessing that's why Renji doesn't complain."

"Possibly, but I feel the need to point out that you have no proof."

"Let's just call it an educated guess."

"Oh, you're one to talk, chastising him for killing Renji when you just tried to murder me!" Orihime said indignantly.

"You tried to murder Lady Orihime?!" Byakuya snapped.

"NO!" Hitsugaya protested.

"He came right at me, his eyes filled with bloodlust!" Orihime said accusingly.

"No, I'm innocent, I swear! It was Yachiru, I tell you!" Hitsugaya said desperately.

"Liar! Yachiru never tried to kill me!" Orihime proclaimed.

"Yes she did! Er… no, wait that's not… she framed…" Hitsugaya began.

"Yachiru tried to kill you, and frame Lady Orihime? I KNEW she was a monster!" Byakuya said.

"No, Yachiru tried to kill ME and frame Mr. Toshiro! … Didn't she?" Orihime asked.

"…what happened, again?" Hitsugaya asked, no longer exactly certain what was going on.

Luckily (For ALL of them, really), a sizable distraction chose that moment to make itself known.

"BYAKUSHI!" Yachiru shouted, suddenly.

"Oh, Hell." Byakuya muttered, wincing as though in physical agony.

"BYAKUSHI, BYAKUSHI, BYAKUSHI!" Yachiru shouted repeatedly, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Lieutenant. How nice to see you've broken into my house. Again." Byakuya said with forced politeness. "This is what, the thirteenth time this month?"

"BYAKUSHI, BYAKUSHI, BYAKUSHI!"

Sighing, Byakuya went over to his cupboard, withdrew a rice-cake, and shoved it into Yachiru's mouth. "Come on, let's go before she finishes."

"Go?"

"Back to the War-room! We need to complete our plans before she recovers from her eatings!"

Hitsugaya looked at him. "You know, it occurs to me that we may be overthinking this whole situation."

"Hmmmmm?"

"Well, I mean, all this. Let's face it, the underground command center hasn't been a whole lot of help, and lady Orihime has been almost utterly useless."

"HEY!" Orihime protested.

"Oh, don't worry, dear. It's not your fault you're a comedy relief character who doesn't get much character development until the Arrancar arc… er, um, I mean… you're not a tactician. Yes, that is certainly what I meant." Hitsugaya said nervously.

"Okay, seriously, Mr. Toshiro? You need to quit breaking the fourth wall." Orihime said severely. "That's twice in two chapters."

"Don't blame me, blame the hack writing the dialogue!" Hitsugaya said. "Um… oh crap, I mean… blame… God?"

"That's three times!" Orihime said. "That's it, go sit in the corner until you learn to start respecting the rules of the fictional universe."

"Yes'm." Hitsugaya said sullenly, going to sit in a corner.

Yachiru, finishing her snack, opened her mouth and managed to get out "BYAKU-" before Byakuya force-fed her another cookie.

"Now, Captain Hitsugaya, I believe you had an alternate suggestion?"

"Well…" Hitsugaya began, moving back towards the group.

"You can tell us from the corner!" Orihime snapped.

Hitsugaya sat back down in the corner sadly. "Well, alright, my thought was… maybe it's pointless to try to think like Yachiru, because Yachiru just… y'know, doesn't THINK."

"You may have a point." Byakuya said, observing her happily munching away. "She does seem to react mainly on a set of instincts."

"So, why don't we just do this the most simple way possible?"

"How do you mean?"

Hitsugaya smiled wickedly. "Have you ever really looked at your Captain's jacket? If folded properly, it makes an excellent bag…"

All three of them looked at Yachiru.

Yachiru looked back at them.

"HI!" she said, waving cheerfully.

**Thirty seconds later…**

"JERKS!" Yachiru screamed from inside the makeshift sack she had, once again, been shoved into.

Orihime poked her. "So what do we do now?"

"We keep her in there. Then, in a couple of days, we let her out. No harm, no foul." Hitsugaya said.

"That's it? Shouldn't we get her a bigger bag, at least?"

"When handling dangerous materials, the most hazardous portion of the operation is attempting to move the substance between containers. Now that we have her contained, it would be foolish to attempt to move her to another holding facility and risk contamination." Byakuya said serenely.

"… Contamination?"

"Well… she might sing a song, or do something obnoxiously cute like that. It would be really annoying. Nobody wants that."

Orihime raised an eyebrow. "Ah. Ah ha. Well, I guess that by this point you're pretty comfortable with your insanity, so there's not much reason to snap you out of it…"

Byakuya inspected his fingernails with an air of intense disinterest. "You know, Captain Hitsugaya, I sent word to my sister of her impending marriage, but haven't yet decided whom she'll be wed to."

"Is that so, Captain Kuchiki?" Hitsugaya asked back with similar lack of interest.

"Yes, it is so. As such, it would be very, very easy to CANCEL." Byakuya said, adding emphasis to the last word and staring straight at Orihime.

"On the other hand," Orihime said thoughtfully, "They say that there's a thin line between insanity and genius, and I really think that… after careful consideration… you two fall on the 'genius' side of that line. I must have been confused earlier."

"Good girl." Byakuya said approvingly.

"So… what are we going to do, anyway? If we've got a couple of days to kill, we can't just stay in Mr. Byakuya's kitchen." Orihime said.

"Well, I see no reason that we couldn't just go about our daily lives. We should probably keep one person here to make sure Yachiru doesn't chew a hole in the bag or something, but really, I doubt that there's any real reason to worry. I mean, as long as something horrible and unforeseen doesn't happen. If THAT were to happen, it might actually render all our plans moot." Hitsugaya said confidently. Then he looked out the window. "Um… wasn't the sun out a few seconds ago?"

The wind began to howl through the halls of Kuchiki manor, like the screams of the damned. The huge front door burst into flame and exploded off its hinges. Wreathed in flame, Rukia Kuchiki entered her home and fixed her brother with a glare that actually made his clothing start to sizzle. She spoke only a single word: "_**MARRIED?!"**_

"Oh, no." Byakuya said.

"Oh, wow, is this the sort of thing you were talking about, Mr. Toshiro?" Orihime asked, as Byakuya took off at a sprint and Rukia pursued, murder in her eyes.

"Well, not really. I mean, this is clearly not a good thing, and it certainly was very ironic that it happened just when it did. But really, it only affects Captain Kuchiki, so it really doesn't count as 'horrible and unforeseen'… at least, not from our perspective. I'm sure Captain Kuchiki thinks differently."

"Ah, I understand!" Orihime said happily. "So, what are the chances something horrible from OUR perspective will happen?"

* * *

"You know… being a Captain ish ::HIC!:: tough." Unohana grumbled, taking another shot. 

"Sure ish." Zaraki agreed.

"Oh, YOU schut… shutsh… don't talk." Unohana said, pointing in his general direction. "You never do NOTHIN'. I acshtually WORK at my job, and do you know the thanksh I get? Nothin'. Never a 'Retsu, good work' or a 'Retsu, thanksh for savin' all our lives.' Instead, I get groped by a babboon…" She complained, again gesturing vaguely at a general area which was at least close to Zaraki, "And I gotsh to get drunk in somebodysh cafeteria. With nachos. It'sh not FAIR."

"It totally ishn't." Matsumoto agreed, patting Unohana on the back consolingly. "You're GREAT. Better'n my Captain. Prissy little dork. And better'n Kuchiki… prissy little dork. And Kuro… kuro… kuro… Mayuri. Prissy little dork."

"Hee, hee, hee… you are SO FUNNY." Unohana chuckled.

"An' better'n Komamura. Prissy little dork. And… and… you're maybe not better'n Ukitake."

"Mmmmmm… Ukitake…" All the women in the room sighed in unison.

"You know… Ukitake IS great." Unohana mused. "He'sh a really, really, really, really, really, really…" Unohana continued in this manner until Matsumoto smacked her in the face, when she finished "… really nice guy. And he's HOT. I love him. You love him. We all love him, don't we?"

"Mmmmmm… Ukitake…" All the women in the room sighed in unison.

"Yeah, we all do! Way better than Yamamoto… prissy little dork…" Matsumoto grumbled.

"You know, Ukitake would be WAY better than him in charge. He would always be nice, and say things like 'Good job Retsu!' and 'you're great Retsu!' and 'Let's get married, Retsu!'. He would be great!"

Matsumoto's eyes widened. "We… ::HIC!:: should TOTALLY DO THAT."

"… be great?"

"No, put Ukitake in charge! He'd be AWESOME! We should do it right now!" Matsumoto proclaimed grandiosely, then taking another swig from the nearest open bottle.

"Hmmm… that'sh treason, right?" Zaraki asked.

"Yup."

"So, we're shtartin' a civil war?"

"Yup."

"Can we get some pizza after?"

"Okay, why not?"

"Okay, cool, let's do it." Zaraki said.

"All right, everybody!" Matsumoto said, standing up (and wobbling a little before steadying herself by leaning on Zaraki) and facing her 'cult'… which, over a very long, very VERY drunken day had grown to include nearly every member of the 10th, 11th, and With Unohana's 'joining', a sizable portion of the 4th as well. "We're going to have a revolution against the Captain-Commander and reshape Soul Society, putting new, better-looking leadership in charge. Many of you will die, and the worlds of the living and dead will be… what'sh the word? Oh yeah, devastated. But in the end, I think it'll be worth it!

"And afterwards, we're gettin' pizza!"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Wherin the few things that haven't already gone wrong… go wrong.

_Moments like this,_ Jushiro Ukitake thought, _Are what make life worth living. _

Relaxing in his moderately sized but quite comfortable home, sipping a cup of his favorite tea and reclining in his favorite chair, Ukitake really couldn't have been happier. Perhaps after he finished his drink, he would fix himself a second dinner… his condition left him with a fairly considerable appetite, which most people didn't guess given how slender he was. Or maybe he would pick a book out of the library and spend a few hours quietly reading… at his age, he'd read nearly everything ever written, but it was never unpleasant to revisit an old favorite. Or maybe he would simply turn in early and get some much-deserved rest. Whatever he chose, he deeply enjoyed the serenity of simply relaxing in his home, particularly given how rarely he got to do so.

And particularly given how very, very often such quiet moments were interrupted.

"WE'RE SO SORRY, SIR!" Kiyone and Sentaro screamed, bursting into his room.

Ukitake sighed, and fought down the urge to force them to fight to the death for his amusement. "What exactly are we sorry about this time?"

"If we'd only known, we would have joined!" Kiyone said.

"… what?" Ukitake asked in confusion.

"I mean, we already practically worship you, we might as well go to the logical conclusion!" Sentaro proclaimed.

"… eh?" Ukitake asked in confusion.

"And we completely agree that Soul Society would be better with you in charge!" Kiyone declared proudly.

"… huh?" Ukitake asked in confusion.

"We're with you sir, no matter how horrible the war you've started becomes!" the two stated proudly in unison.

"WAR? **WHAT WAR**?" Ukitake roared.

"Um… the civil war. The one to overthrow Captain-Commander Yamamoto and install you as the new head of the Shinigami." Kiyone said.

"Yeah, you know. The war you started." Sentaro said.

"But… but I didn't! Why the Hell would I? Sir Yamamoto is like a father to me, I don't want to overthrow him! I have nothing to do with this!"

"… you're sure?"

"YES!"

"Oh. Well… huh." Kiyone said thoughtfully. "This could be a problem."

"Well, obviously! We need to hunt down these people and get them to stop blaming me for their treason!" Ukitake snapped impatiently.

"Well, there's that. And there's… uh, how we found out about it." Sentaro said sheepishly.

"… how?" Ukitake asked, a palpable sense of dread filling his entire being.

"Well, YOU may think you have nothing to do with this, but let's just say that some others don't think you're quite so innocent…" Kiyone said delicately. "And when she showed up at HQ saying she was there to arrest you, we slammed the door in her face and ran all the way to your house to join your rebellion, but you don't HAVE one… well, I'm gonna have to think that probably didn't make you OR us look very good, did it?" 

"… … … 'she'? Which… oh. Oh, FU-" Ukitake began as he pieced together the problem.

About then, two dozen ninja smashed into his study through the walls and ceiling and tackled him. In short order, he found himself with the point of a familiar Zanpakuto at his jugular.

"Captain Soi Fon!" He said with forced joviality. "How nice to see you again! It's been too long! How can I help you this fine evening?" 

Soi Fon smiled chillingly. "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something. If nothing else, executing traitors always puts me in a good mood,"

"… she has good moods?" Kiyone muttered under her breath.

"Kiyone, you are NOT helping matters." Ukitake growled as the point of Soi Fon's sword dug into his neck. 

"Ha, he's right! I'm much better at getting arrested for treason than you are!" Sentaro said cheerfully.

"Oh, it is ON. I am going to get arrested for treason so hard that my SISTER will get arrested for treason!" Kiyone said. "... Actually, her Captain is part of the rebellion, so... she actually might."

Ukitake cast a pleading gaze at Soi Fon. "Please, tell me you brought gags?"

* * *

"Um… Mr. Toshiro?" Orihime asked hesitantly.

"Yes?" Hitsugaya asked, taking a step backwards as he spoke so he wouldn't get run over by the fleeing Byakuya, who had ducked back through this section of the house, his sister hot on his tail.

"I realize that Soul Society is sort of an odd place, but I couldn't help but notice that the last time I was here, even with all the fighting, none of the buildings ever really caught on fire."

"That's true. Soul Society… well, there are varied reasons why, but it's a very hard place to burn. It's difficult to create and maintain a fire of enough strength to actually consume an entire building unless you're willing to expend a tremendous amount of reiatsu… or you're a complete, total incompetent." He said, with a significant glance at the bag Yachiru was entombed in.

"Ah. Well, it seemed quite odd to me at the time." Orihime said.

"I suppose it would… most substances in the material world are much more flammable, and that was the limit of your experience at the time. Why do you bring this up now?"

"Well, I just couldn't help but notice that a pretty big portion of the Soul Society seems to be on fire. And that really didn't square with my previous memories of the place, so I thought it was worth bringing up."

"Ah. Well, that is odd. You were right to bring it up." Hitsugaya said calmly. Then his eyes widened. "Wait, what?" he said, rushing to the window. "HOLY CRAP!" He shouted upon seeing the glow of fires and huge clouds of smoke and embers rising from a section of the Seireitei. "My God, what's going on out there! Why hasn't the general alert been sounded?"

Meanwhile, at Shinigami central command…

"Are you SURE we shouldn't sound the general alert?" One of the two junior Shinigami asked.

"Dude, do you never listen? The last time anyone sounded THAT thing, three captains defected to join the Hollows, half the Gotei 13 got their asses kicked by a bunch of freakin' grade-schoolers, and our entire government got murdered by Captain Aizen! No, we are NOT sounding this alarm. It certainly can't be any worse than what happens when we sound it!" his partner said firmly.

"But how will the others mount any sort of coordinated response to the threat if they don't have an alarm to let them know, en masse, that something is wrong?"

"My God, have you never opened your eyes? We're Shinigami! Every time we coordinate we get crushed anyway! If we want to win, we need to restrict it to only Captains, Vice-Captains, and a few guys from Squad 11 having one-on-one battles! An organized response will only lead to disaster... just like the last time this cursed, evil alarm was sounded! Damn you, alarm, you'll not drink more Shinigami blood on my watch!"

"… Look, I know that whole situation was really traumatic for a lot of people, but even though the alarm WAS sounded, I really don't think you can blame the alarm for the crisis. It's just a piece of wood we hit with a stick. I doubt it was an active participant in the Aizen Conspiracy."

"We can't take that chance!"

Back at Kuchiki manor…

"Well, it doesn't matter at this point. Lady Orihime, I hate to impose on you, but I have to go deal with this situation, and I could really use your medical abilities." Hitsugaya said coolly, shifting into 'crisis-mode'. Byakuya dashed through, a bolt of blue flame nearly missing his head. "Of course, your powers will probably be useful HERE, too, but only to one guy. We need to think of the big picture."

"You have a point." Orihime agreed. "Well, let's go, then! Where's the source of the fire?"

"Well, it's hard to be certain, but it LOOKS like it's coming from the fifteenth Seireitei district. It's where most of the best restaurants and… bars… are…" Hitsugaya said, his voice trailing off. "… … … … oh, Hell." He said, when he could remember how to speak again. For what seemed to him like the billionth time that week, Hitsugaya rubbed his temples in a futile effort to fight off the ever-growing migraine. "Please, please, PLEASE let it be a coincidence that a massive disaster is currently befalling the one area of the Seireitei that is renowned for the quality of its alcohol, the one place in all the Soul Society that has more bars than it does houses… in essence, Matsumoto's favorite place. Please, God, Buddha, Zeus, whoever's listening… I know it's futile, but PLEASE, LET IT BE A COINCIDENCE."

"… … it probably isn't a coincidence, Mr. Toshiro." Orihime said gently.

"I know," Hitsugaya said sadly. "But sometimes, I like to have my little dreams. But I guess the whole 'massive disaster unfolding right now' trumps my desires for happiness, huh? Let's get going, Lady Orihime, we've got a Soul Society to defend." Hitsugaya said firmly, picking up Orihime so he could carry her there at high-speeds. The two heroes dashed off into the night, prepared to give their lives for the greater good.

Five minutes later…

"ULF!" Hitsugaya grunted as he and Orihime were thrown into the dank, dingy prison cell next to Ukitake. Soi Fon smiled in satisfaction at a job well done.

"She got you too, huh?" Ukitake said in a long-suffering tone.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?" Hitsugaya screamed at his jailer.

"Oh, don't play so innocent, Ex-Captain. Did you think I wouldn't notice that your own Vice-Captain is the one leading the revolutionary army!" Soi Fon asked grimly. "As soon as her identity was confirmed, we sent a strike team to hunt you down and capture you!"

"And you certainly got him!" Orihime said. "Congratulations!" 

"Statistically speaking, I suppose the Stealth Forces had to catch SOMEONE they were looking for eventually. And she managed to catch me too… she's surprisingly on the ball, today." Ukitake said.

"Look, Soi Fon…" Hitsugaya began. 

"You will refer to me as 'Captain' or you will die, traitor!" Soi Fon snapped.

"… Captain, you have to believe that I have nothing to do with this!" Hitsugaya said desperately.

"And is that why we found Vice-Captain Kusajishi imprisoned in the house where you were last seen before your capture?" Soi Fon asked sharply. "The poor child was stuffed into a bag! Thank God we were able to free her before you did something truly horrible!"

"Aw, dammit, you let her out? Do you know how hard it was to get her in there? Byakuya was almost killed! Well, not BY the act of putting her in the bag, but he almost died in a nearby time-frame."

"Ah, so you admit to treason!"

"…No, I admit to stuffing Yachiru in a sack. There's a difference." Hitsugaya said calmly.

Soi Fon appeared not to hear him. "Already, the picture becomes clear to me! You and your lovers, Matsumoto, Ukitake, and Zaraki-"

"Me and my WHAT?" Hitsugaya shouted in shock and disbelief.

"Oh, come now Ex-Captain, you think we don't know your reputation? You don't have the title Hitsu-playa for nothing! The men and women you've seduced with your sexual wiles number in the dozens! Don't expect them to work on ME, though, not with thoughts of Lady Yoruichi to keep my soul pure!" Soi Fon said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"… … … I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, MUCH LESS DOZENS OF THEM!" 

"Tell that to your hundreds of lovers, I'm certain they'll find your mock humility very amusing. But whatever lies you spout, it doesn't change the fact that you and three of your many, many lovers conspired to overthrow the Seireitei, putting Ukitake in charge because he's the most senior Captain and could thus ensure the smoothest transition of power… all so you could give Soul Society over to your friends… and possibly also your lovers… the RYOKA!" Soi Fon said dramatically, pointing at Orihime. "Yes, it was the perfect plan. They get their revenge on Soul Society for the entirely just and legitimate attempt to execute Rukia Kuchiki…" 

"Um… actually, we sort of proved that was all a setup… you remember? Treachery, three Captains defected, world in peril, etc., etc.?" Ukitake said.

Soi Fon continued as though he hadn't spoken. "And in return, you get to claim dominance over whatever's left when the vicious Ryoka have completed their vengeance. And even worse, when poor little Yachiru tried to stop you, you imprisoned her unjustly and planted her in Lord Kuchiki's manor to frame him!"

"What the- have you been in his basement? He's got an entire anti-Yachiru command center! Ninety percent of what we did was his idea!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Now, why would I accept your word, when you've already admitted to planting other evidence?" Soi Fon asked sarcastically.

"I DIDN'T ADMIT TO ANYTHING! YOU'RE JUST SAYING I DID!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Sure, you didn't admit to anything...just like you didn't try to overthrow Soul Society." Soi Fon said, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Stay here and rot, traitors. I'll be back later to pronounce your sentences."

"Don't we get a trial?" Orihime asked.

Soi Fon smirked. "Martial law is a beautiful thing." She said, and left.

"… you know how I said she was surprisingly on the ball, a second ago?" Ukitake chimed in. 

"Yes?"

"The moment's passed," He sighed. "Although, I will say, I appreciate her putting Sentaro and Kiyone in a separate building. I don't think I could have taken it if they started competing over who was better at being in jail..."

* * *

"WAY TO GO, MEN!" Matsumoto howled. "That'll teach THEM that they should have donated their liquor willingly to our glorious revolution! Viva la resistance!"

Unohana giggled. "Jushiro is just going to LOVE this. He'll be so happy!" Now, to be fair to poor Retsu, she really had no way of knowing that Ukitake had just recently been arrested, thrown into a prison, and was currently awaiting likely execution at the hands of a crazed ninja woman; but then even if she HAD, she was probably too tipsy at this point to recognize that it wasn't a good thing. "Yessir, and then we'll see some :HIC: real changes. Yes… yes we…" Unohana trailed off, her face turning green. She ran off to find some bushes to throw up in.

Zaraki, on the other hand, had no such problem. 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed maniacally. "BURN, SMASH, DESTROY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, COME AND TRY TO STOP ME, WEAKLINGS! COME ON, IF EVERY SINGLE CAPTAIN COMES AGAINST ME AT ONCE, MAYBE ONE OF 'EM WILL GET A HIT IN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"... You know, he's really not that different drunk from sober. Oh well, at least he's happy." Matsumoto observed cheerfully. "There's nothing like a good old fashioned war to really bring out the best in people! … Wait, that's right, we're starting a war!" She said, slapping herself in the forehead in embarrassment that she'd forgotten. Firmly, she decided that after she finished overthrowing Soul Society, she'd stop drinking for a few hours. Or maybe one hour. Or maybe not at all. But for now, it was time to get the ball rolling again. 

"Okay, troops, gather round!" Matsumoto declared. "Now that we've raided all the bars we hadn't already hit, we've got enough supplies to launch a full-scale assault on the Central Command! Now, we have three squads, and they have ten, so we're outnumbered… by… um… well… let me think. Does anybody know how many Shinigami are in a squad?"

"Two?" someone shouted.

"No, that's just the number of Shinigami in a squad who aren't nameless cannon-fodder. We want to know how many total."

"… … three?" Someone shouted.

"Hmmmm… okay, that sounds about right. So add up all theirs, and subtract all of ours, carry the five… … we're outnumbered by some!" She said finally. "But I think we can accomplish this! And you know why? Because I've totally got a good feeling about this!"

"HOORAY!" The crowd shouted in response. 

Well, it's better to have a good feeling than to not have one, right?

* * *

"Any last words?" Rukia growled at her cornered brother.

Byakuya stood firm and looked death in the eye. He was afraid, yes, but as the noble head of the Kuchiki family, it was important that he maintain his dignity, even when fleeing in terror from his little sister. It was hard to do, but he felt he'd accomplished it as much as it was possible to do so. "Rukia, I don't understand why you're so upset. An arranged marriage is nothing shameful." He said, trying to reason his way out now that Rukia had finally given him enough time to talk.

"Oooooh, you're getting married?" Yachiru said in wonder. "Congratulations, Ruki-ruki!" Unfortunately, some ninjas had dropped by the house and let her out of her bag for some reason. Apparently deciding Byakuya's flight for his life was some sort of game, she had begun following the siblings in their chase throughout the manor.

"It wasn't the marriage, you idiot, it's how you TOLD me about the marriage!" Rukia snapped, ignoring Yachiru to the degree it was possible TO ignore Yachiru. Producing the slightly singed butterfly that had delivered the missive, she said, "Go on, repeat what he told you to say to me!" 

The butterfly said: 

"Dear Rukia- 

How are you? I'm fine. By the way, I'm marrying you off to secure an advantageous alliance, the wedding will be this weekend. I haven't decided who you'll be marrying, though. See you there. 

Love, 

Byakuya Kuchiki, 

Kuchiki Family Patriarch."

Silence reigned.

Even Yachiru winced.

"I fail to see the problem." Byakuya said calmly.

"Oh, COME ON!" Rukia said exasperatedly. "You think you can just marry me off because it's convenient for you, **and** you didn't even bother to work out who you're marrying me TO, **and** you don't even give me time to PREPARE A WEDDING or, y'know, MEET THE GROOM? Although I guess that, given the time you tried to have me EXECUTED, this is really the most emotional awareness I can expect from you! God, I should have kicked your ass years ago! You DESERVE this!" Rukia vented, blue fire once again glowing in her palm. 

"Rukia, I'm sorry if you feel I've slighted you in some way…"

"If I FEEL you've **slighted me**?"

"But you must understand, I wouldn't have done something like this unless I had a very good reason."

"Oh, and what was THAT?"

Byakuya pointed at Yachiru. "Getting rid of her."

"Hee. Byakushi noticed me!" Yachiru said happily. "Byaku-SHI, noticed ME!" she repeated, and began to jump up and down happily, spouting her impromptu rhyme.

Rukia watched the scene. Then she thought about a certain stuffed rabbit which had been forcibly removed from her possession. "Okay, so maybe you did have a good reason. But it was still a lousy thing to do!"

"Well it doesn't matter. The person I made the bargain with turned out to be quite useless, I see no reason I should uphold it." Byakuya said. "You are once again free to marry as you wish."

"Byaku-SHI, noticed ME!"

"My thanks, brother. Don't worry, when the time comes, I'll choose a groom that will make the family proud." Rukia said solemnly.

"I know you will." Byakuya said simply. "You've never been anything but an credit to this clan, no matter what my own actions on the subject might have implied. I have always been and will always be proud to call you my sister." 

"Byaku-SHI…"

"Brother…" Rukia said, a tear forming in one of her eyes.

"Byaku-" Yachiru began. In a single smooth motion, Byakuya wrapped her up in one of the spare coats he kept hanging in the hall closet (And which were now on the floor following Rukia's 'unplanned remodeling'). 

"MMMMMMMFFFFF!" Yachiru said.

"Better." Byakuya said.

"Agreed." Rukia replied. Then her expression turned thoughtful. "Say, she didn't happen to have a little stuffed bunny on her when she came here, did she?"

"Again with the rabbits? Aren't you getting a little old for that? You're not two-hundred anymore."

"Hey, I happen to LIKE rabbits, and it has nothing to do with maturity!" Rukia said petulantly. "Aw, I guess it doesn't matter. What's really important is that we're a family again, a small child has been stuffed into a coat, and everything is right in the world!" Rukia smiled and took this opportunity to glance out the window... where she saw the Seireitei in flames.

The two siblings looked at the fire. Then they looked at the wreckage of their own home, and considered how long it would take to fix. Then they looked back at the fire.

"There is nothing out there." Byakuya said firmly, and closed the curtains.

"Everything is right in the world!" Rukia repeated firmly, with just the slightest hint of denial in her voice.

* * *

"Everything is wrong in the world!" Hitsugaya moaned, without the slightest hint of denial in his voice.

"Oh, try to keep up a positive attitude, Mr. Toshiro." Orihime said.

"Why should I? My headquarters has been invaded by another division, my house has been invaded by my OWN division, my peers think I'm some sort of nymphomaniac, I've signed myself up to be Captain Kuchiki's flower boy in exchange for assistance that amounted to somewhere between 'completely worthless' and 'utterly worthless', and now it's really starting to look like Matsu-freakin'-moto has, once again, managed to ruin what little life I have left! Oh, and on top of that, we're all gonnadie! WHY EXACTLY SHOULD I BE _POSITIVE_?"

"Well, at least this cell is clean." Orihime said primly after taking a few seconds to think about it.

Ukitake's eyes widened, and he suddenly coughed up a significant amount of blood. "Sorry. Tuberculosis."

"Well, at least…" Orihime began.

"No, no, don't say it. Whatever you were about to say, just… just don't give fate any more ideas. I wish I could say 'it can't possibly get worse', but… well, I think we all know it can." Hitsugaya said wearily.

"Shiro-chan? Is that you?" A voice called down into the dungeon from the upper floor. A familiar head poked into the room. "Oh, there you are! I was worried I'd never find you in all this madness!"

Hitsugaya looked at her wide eyed, in shock, wondering numbly if things had just gotten worse or better. "Well…" He said, his mouth suddenly dry, "I wasn't expecting to see you here." He said, in the understatement of the millennium. 

It was Momo. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: The Battle For Soul Society… Again.

Ukitake smiled happily as Momo swung the door open. "You know, for once in my life, I'm actually happy our prisons are just barely servicable."

"Momo, what are you doing here? I thought you were still in… therapy." Hitsugaya said delicately.

"You can say it, Toshiro. Psychiatric Counseling. I went… sorta nuts. And I'm really not supposed to be out of the clinic, but when I found out they arrested you… well, I know you're innocent, and you deserve the chance to prove it and help defuse this whole mad situation. I owe you this much, at the VERY least." Momo said with a determined look.

"Because your blind devotion to your boss caused you to turn against Mr. Toshiro, even though he was your dearest friend and you had no real proof that he had done anything wrong?" Orihime asked bluntly.

Hitsugaya shot her a soul-piercing glare of death. "MISS Orihime, if you could be a LITTLE more tactful?"

"What? She totally did all that. I tell you right now, that if someone sent me a letter telling me Tatsuki murdered my dad or something, I'd at least investigate a little bit, not grab my sword and run to slice her head off without any proof beyond a letter that could easily be a forgery!"

"For the love of… you choose NOW to stop being comedy relief?!"

"No, Toshiro, she's right. I should have trusted you. You're my oldest and dearest friend, and I didn't even stop to consider your innocence or notice that you were gay, and I'm SO SORRY." Momo said, tears welling in her eyes.

"Well, that's very good of you to say, Miss Hinamo… wait, what was that last one?" Orihime asked in confusion.

"Oh, God." Hitsugaya said in supreme humiliation. "Are the rumors in Soul Society laser-guided to make sure that each one only reaches where it will do the most damage? Momo, I am NOT…"

"Honestly, I can't believe I never noticed when we were growing up! I mean, we spent every day together, practically, and you never once made a move on me… and let's not get started on your Vice-Captain! Let's be frank, most straight men have trouble remembering their own names when Rangiku walks into the room, but you don't react to her at all! It's so obvious!" Momo said, as though Hitsugaya hadn't spoken.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Hitsugaya protested.

Momo smiled just a little sadly. "Don't worry, Toshiro. You don't have to lie to me… I'll never abandon you again, no matter what. And as soon as we get you out of here, I'll do everything in my power to find you a man who will love you the way you deserve! Now let's go!" she said, heading back up the stairs.

"NO! I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIND ME A MAN!" Hitsugaya shouted at Momo as she left.

"Yeah, he's already got Captain Zaraki!" Orihime said.

Hitsugaya shot her and even more glare-y glare of death.

"What? Miss Soi Fon said that you and…"

"Miss Soi Fon also sentenced us to death without a trial! Why would you listen to anything she said?!"

"… well, she just seemed so confident." Orihime said by way of explanation.

"… okay, that's it, I'm done trying to reason with you people. It's time to just go down to this whole revolution thing, find Matsumoto… who is almost certainly SOMEHOW responsible… and beat her up until she listens to me again. I want to HURT someone." Hitsugaya growled.

"Captain, maybe you should try to calm down. We're more likely to defuse this without violence if we all keep a level head." Ukitake advised.

"Maybe I don't WANT to solve it without violence! Maybe I DESERVE the right to inflict some pain on someone for what I've been through! Maybe I want some GOD DAMNED REVENGE!" Hitsugaya screamed. Then he cut off suddenly, his face reddening with embarassment. "I… I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay, Mr. Toshiro," Orihime said consolingly. "It's perfectly normal for you to be angry when your boyfriend is on the opposite side of a war from you."

Hitsugaya turned to look in her direction, very, very slowly.

"Oh, dear." Ukitake said, noting the look in the younger Captain's eyes.

Thirty seconds later…

"WHAT DID YOU TWO SAY TO HIM?!" Momo screamed, as she, Orihime, and Ukitake ran for their lives from the enraged Hitsugaya.

"I don't know! I'm sorry! I don't know! I'm sorry!" Orihime said hysterically, on the verge of tears.

"Both of you, just shut up and running! Let's just hope he calms down soon, there's no telling when we'll run into a combat situation out here! If not, we'll have to ditch him before we hunt down the seperatists!" Ukitake gasped out.

"They're actually called Ukitakists!" Momo corrected him.

"… Oh, you can't be serious!" Ukitake moaned.

"**OR-I-HI-MEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Hitsugaya bellowed, the air around him turning to ice as he ran.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Orihime cried, speeding up.

"Toshiro, for God's sake calm down! We're sort of the last hope of Soul Society? The only ones who can stop it from being ripped apart?"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHBLE!" Hitsugaya roared, no longer even using real words to express his anger.

"… well, I HOPE we're the last hope, 'cause if we're not, it isn't looking good…"

* * *

"AND NOW, MY CHILDREN," Matsumoto roared, "WE RIP SOUL SOCIETY APART! AND THERE TOTALLY IS NO HOPE OF STOPPING US!"

"NO HOPE AT ALL!" Her gathered hordes cheered.

On the other side of the battle lines, the much, much larger army of Shinigami looked at her force in some mixture of confusion and… okay, well, actually just confusion.

At the loyalist command center, Yamamoto turned to Kyoraku. "What is the situation, Shunsui?" he asked gravely.

"Well, as near as can be told, either two MORE of our rapidly diminishing supply of Captains has turned rogue, and brought with them nearly a third of our total military force… or all of those guys out there are really, REALLY drunk."

"MY CHILDREN! TELL ME, WHERE IS OUR ENEMY?!" Matsumoto asked her army.

"WE'RE NOT SURE!" They replied enthusiastically, in spite of the fact the opposing army was clearly visible.

"I'm forced," Yamamoto said with what little dignity he could muster in this situation, "To consider your second hypothesis to be the correct one."

"Yeah, they're hammered," Kyoraku agreed. "But I'm still worried. Soi Fon is off arresting people who didn't really do anything, Hitsugaya and Ukitake are in prison as a result of her crusade, Kuchiki just responds to our couriers with impassioned claims that nothing is happening, Kurotsuchi is locked up in the ruins of his lab babbling about Godzilla…"

"So HE'S the one responsible for that…" Yamamoto muttered.

"… and Captain Komamura… well, honestly, nobody remembered to tell him there was a crisis, and we think he's still asleep. We're… we're not sure. We can't remember where he lives…" Kyoraku said, at least having the grace to sound embarassed about it.

"Ah. Ah-ha." Yamamoto said. "So, in essence, we are the only two Captains who are both loyal AND bothered to show up?"  
"Bingo."

"… … is it some flaw in my academy that it only seems to produce maniacs?"

"Well… maybe some sort of psych evaluation for new applicants would be a good idea." Kyoraku suggested.

"Well, I can work on that after we deal with this situation. Now, most of the vice-captains showed up on our side, so we have a significant officer advantage. I will deal with Zaraki, while you incapacitate Unohana. Let the Vice-captains handle the management of the common soldiers. We have the advantages of numbers, tactics, and sobriety, so this should be a fairly simple mass execution."

"Yes, it shouldn't be too… wait, what?"

"Well, clearly we can't tolerate a mass dissension like this. We'll have to kill them all."

"Look old man, they're not really rebels, they're just on a really, really, REALLY bad drinking binge. If we just keep them from leaving to get more alcohol for a few hours, they'll sober up and go home with enormous hangovers. We don't need to kill them."

"Shunsui, what is staging a rebellion?"

"Well, I suppose it's treason, but I don't think that applies to this particular…" Kyoraku began.

"Yes. And what is the punishment for treason?"

"Well, death, but under these circumstances I don't think…"

"Well then, I guess we're going to kill all of them, aren't we?"

"… … … can we really afford to lose almost a third of our army? I mean, Aizen…"

"Well… on the one hand, we really can't afford any losses at this time. We have no idea how many powerful Hollows ex-Captain Aizen is converting into Arrancar," Yamamoto said thoughtfully. "On the other hand, it really goes against my nature to NOT kill someone who's broken the law. And they HAVE done that."

"True, but you're going to recognize that, this time, it really isn't done out of malice, just stupidity, and you're going to spare them because we can't afford the losses, right?" Kyoraku asked hopefully.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh yes, Shunsui, I'm going to do that, because I'm well-known for my sense of mercy and tolerance! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yamamoto said, on the verge of tears from laughter. "Thank you, son. My doctor tells me I don't laugh enough… which reminds me, after Unohana dies, I'll need to get a new doctor."

"... And you wonder why they want to replace you?" Kyoraku asked in disbelief.

"Um… sirs?" A shinigami scout said. "I… I just thought you should know that a third force has arrived on the battlefield."

"WHAT?! Another invasion force?! How many are there?!" Yamamoto snapped.

"Um… three."

"… … … … … huh?"

* * *

"Did we lose him?!" Orihime asked nervously, looking behind her to check if Hitsugaya was still following them.

"Yeah, I think he slipped and fell in one of the garbage pits. It'll take him awhile to get out of there." Momo said.

"On another note, I think we've found the rebel army." Ukitake said, staring in trepidation at the gathered army which filled the clearing they'd just entered… and covering his nose to ward off the pervasive scent of alcohol. "We could've just followed our nose, we'd have gotten here faster…"

Momo sighed. "I just wish we hadn't had to leave Toshiro in that garbage pit on the way here…"

"As the one he was trying to kill, I'm gonna say it was probably for the best." Orihime said firmly.

"It was your own fault!"

"What?! All I said was that he's Mr. Zaraki's homosexual lover!" Orihime said indignantly.

Silence.

"Okay, I can MAYBE see how that would have angered him. But I still say he overreacted!" Orihime said defensively.

"You should see it when a guy calls him 'shiro-chan'," Momo said. "Trust me, if anything, he took this very well."

"… Ladies, not to interrupt, but might we focus on the REBEL ARMY?!" Ukitake snapped.

"Point." Momo conceded. "So… why haven't they done anything yet?"

"I don't think they've noticed us." Orihime said, snapping her fingers in front of the eyes of the nearest revolutionary in an attempt to get his attention. He passed out.

"Okay, this isn't good. These guys may be barely standing up, but if they start something, General Yamamoto will slaughter them, and they really don't…" Ukitake began.

"HEY!" One of the shinigami on the loyalist side said. "Isn't that the ringleader, right there?"  
"Yeah! It's him, it's Ukitake!" Another said.

"They must be getting ready to attack! Prepare for battle!"

"Oh, crap. I'm starting to think standing in clear view between the two armies was a bad idea." Ukitake said. More loudly he said, "EVERYONE! This entire conflict is a result of extremely poor intelligence… as usual… and extremely unhealthy use of alcohol! THERE IS NO REVOLUTION! All of you need to calm down!"

"It'sh Ukitake?" One of the rebels said, squinting his eyes to see Ukitake better… in spite of the fact he was five feet away. "Heeeeeeeeeeeey, it is! Hey everyone, Ukitake's here!"

"Mmmmmm… Ukitake…" All the women said in unison.

"MY :HIC: CHILDREN! OUR LORD HAS ARRIVED! ALL HAIL UKITAKE, LEADER OF OUR TOTALLY REAL REVOLUTION!" Matsumoto hailed.

"… don't listen to her!" Ukitake said quickly, noticing the Shinigami on both sides drawing their swords (One sword more steadily than the other). "She doesn't know what she's talking about!"

"HAIL UKITAKE, WHO HAS COMMITTED TREASON! HAIL GODDESS MATSUMOTO, WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT!" the rebels cried in unison.

"Stop that!" Ukitake implored them.

"NO!" They roared in unison.

"… all right, are you guys drunk or not?!" Ukitake snapped, getting a little frustrated at the oddly rehearsed responses.

"WE ARE! DRUNKEN AND TREASONOUS!"

"I hate you guys." Ukitake growled.

"AW, BUT WE LOVE YOU!"

* * *

"There, you hear that?" Yamamoto said, listening to the cries. "Confession. All ranks, charge on my command."

"All right, I normally don't talk to you like this, but I think the situation warrants it." Kyoraku said, wrath in his eyes. He drew himself up to his full height, dropped his flowered robe to leave him in the traditional Captain's garb, and took off his hat. Then, his voice low, he said: "Sir, as the most senior Captain still in active service, I must state that I am completely opposed to this course of action. There is an opportunity to settle this without violence, and I implore you, sir, PLEASE take that path."

Yamamoto blinked in confusion. "You… you called me sir. And spoke to me as though I was your superior officer. As opposed to the way you usually speak to me, as though I was merely a person you met at the bus station."

"Yes. I hoped it would be able to get through to you." Kyoraku said earnestly.

"… Shunsui. I must say, this is surprising. And it has done more to show me the strength of your conviction than any tantrum or act of foppishness could possibly have done. It has certainly made me respect your opinion more."

"So… so you're going to listen to me?" Kyoraku asked hopefully.

"No. I still respect MY opinion more than yours… but not as much as previously. Well done. ALL FORCES, CHARGE!"

"Son of a bitch!" Kyoraku swore.

* * *

"Well… this could be better..." Orihime said, watching the incoming attack. Somewhat dishearteningly, despite getting ready for battle in advance, the rebel forces didn't really look too interested in fighting back. In point of fact, most of them seemed to be having too much trouble standing up to do any sort of fighting, and a small group appeared to be running off to go rob another liquor store. "We may be standing on the wrong side, here."

"I don't think the other side would have us." Momo said. "You know, I really ought to stop breaking out of prisons. It just gets me in trouble."

Ukitake looked at the approaching wave of warriors in supreme frustration. "Well, it looks like Aizen's getting an early Christmas present, because we're about to hand him everything he's ever wanted on a silver platter. If we didn't need every sword we could get our hands on, I'd almost say half of these idiots deserve this…"

The two armies, one an unstoppable tide of destruction, the other one sort of standing around, charged toward mutual annihilation… of a sort. Okay, really only one side would probably get annihilated. But the other would get a lot of blood on their robes. When suddenly…

"**ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP AND STAND STILL!" **A voice screamed. Hitsugaya, a small piece of garbage in his hair, flash-stepped onto the field.

Several people among the gathered armies whispered to each other in awe; "It's HIM!", "the legendary one!", "Hitsu-playa!", "He's so pretty!", "... heard he has 400 girlfriends…", "See there? The cute vice-captain who went crazy? She's totally dating him! AND the redhead with the big breasts! No, the OTHER redhead with the big breasts, the one who's more blondeish. Yeah, those two we were about to kill! I KNOW they're hot! You think Hitsu-playa would settle for common women?", "I wish I were him!"

"Didn't I just tell you all to **SHUT UP**?!" Hitsugaya roared.

"…"

Everyone present took several steps back.

"What are you doing?" Yamamoto demanded. "Halt the attack for NOTHING, you…"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, **SHUT UP**! I HAVE HAD A VERY TRYING DAY, AND I JUST CRAWLED OUT OF A GOD-DAMNED GARBAGE PIT! I SWEAR, OLD MAN, IF YOU SCREW WITH ME, I WILL END YOU RIGHT HERE!" Hitsugaya roared.

"…"

Everyone present took several steps back.

"Now, all of you are just going to stay quiet, while I do what you SHOULD have let me do at the very beginning, instead of siccing a crazed ninja on me. MATSUMOTO, GET THE #&#(&# OUT HERE!"

"Oh, crap." Matsumoto muttered. She considered sneaking away, but decided against it when she realized that would only make things worse in the long run. Stepping out through her army, she said "Heeeeeey, Cap, how's ya doin? Hee, yer hair is spiky and… pointy… hee, hee…"

"CAN IT! I know you're not really drunk, you're never REALLY drunk!"

"Damn." Matsumoto said, snapping back instantly to sober.

"Now, Matsumoto, I am not angry at you…" Hitsugaya began.

"… you're not?"

"OF COURSE I AM!" Hitsugaya snapped. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO STAY CALM!"

Matsumoto winced. "Sorry…"

Hitsugaya took a deep breath, calming himself as much as possible. "Okay. Okay. I'm good. Sorry about that. It's just… well, I still smell like garbage, and…"

"Yeah. I wasn't gonna mention that." Matsumoto said tactfully.

"Now, Rangiku, I know you're not terribly smart, and It's hard to blame you when you do incredibly, deeply stupid things like this. You're just acting according to your nature."

"… Thanks?"

"But really? Rangiku?" Hitsugaya gestured widely, taking in both giant armies. "WHAT THE HELL?! This is FAR AND AWAY the most idiotic and selfish thing you have EVER DONE! And seriously, that's saying a hell of a lot! I… I've forgiven you for a lot in the time we've known each other. Really, a small part of me… a very, very small part… found your weird tendency to act on whim to be sort of funny. But… after this, I don't know. You've very nearly destroyed the world, here! This isn't forgivable, Rangiku." Hitsugaya said sadly.

_Ow… _Matsumoto thought. _What the Hell is that feeling? All weird, like… the opposite of happy. Is that… guilt? Crap, is that how people feel when they act like me? No wonder none of them are any fun! I'm glad I don't feel this often. Maybe I should… do something. Somehow show him that I'm… what's the word they use? 'Sor-ry'? Is there some way to show 'sor-ry'? _"Captain…" she began hesitantly. "I feel that I should… what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Apologize?" Hitsugaya said dully. "Don't bother, it can't possibly help."

"But really, I've got a good one!" Matsumoto said hastily. "Please, just give me a chance to explain!"

"Why should I? Rangiku, you tried to destroy my home, basically on a whim. I can't forgive this, ever. Under any circumstances." Hitsugaya said in a dull, dead sort of voice.

"But it was all just a ploy to get free liquor and pretzels until Captain Zaraki showed up, and then it all just…"

"I forgive you." Hitsugaya said, looking considerably happier instantly.

"… huh?"

"I THOUGHT this was just a little too evil for your usual scheming. And I was right! I mean, you're a little selfish, sure, but you're not CRAZY. Unless you had someone crazy nearby, influencing your decisions! Why didn't you just say that earlier? I've just spent the entire day playing flower-boy so I could capture a small child, you think I wouldn't understand the plague of madness that Zaraki and his entire division bring with them?" Hitsugaya said.

Tears welled up in Matsumoto's eyes. "Oh… Captain…"

"If you hug me, I WILL be angry."

"Oh. All right." Matsumoto said. Then she hugged him anyway.

"ACK! OFF! OFF! NOT IN FRONT OF THE ARMIES!" Hitsugaya shouted. Matsumoto just giggled.

"Hee, you're back to being the fun angry! I've missed this."

"Well, I haven't!"

"Sure you have! We're like a comedy duo! You're the straight man, while I do the crazy antics! We work!" Matsumoto said. Then she smirked wickedly. "Well, maybe the 'serious' man. I don't know, some of the rumors I've been hearing say that 'straight' man doesn't really fit you…"

"Do you WANT to get me pissed at you again?"

"Is it true that Momo has devoted her life to finding you a boyfriend?"

"… okay, that just happened like ten minutes ago. How did you hear about it in all this madness?!"

Matsumoto shrugged. "Rumors spread fast in Soul Society." She said simply.

"There's 'fast', and then there's 'absurd'! Is there a whole section of the Stealth Forces devoted to just spreading rumors?!"

"… you know, that WOULD explain why they're so bad at gathering intelligence and fighting people."

"God, I was just joking. I hope there isn't actually a rumor-spreading division… although considering Soi Fon's mental stability, it wouldn't surprise me…" Hitsugaya said sadly.

"Well, there's nothing we can do about it one way or the other, sir. You know, I don't know about you, but I've had kind of a long day. I think I'm gonna turn in early. See you at home?"

"Okay, two things. First of all, it's only my home. Don't call it 'home'."

"Aw, you know that home is wherever you are, sir!" She said cheerfully, tousling his hair like she knew he hated.

Hitsugaya swatted away her hand in irritation. "Stop that. Second, you can't go home yet!"

"Ah-ha! You called it my home!"

"No, I just called it 'home', because it IS my home."

"Yeah, you say that now, but I know what you meant!" Matsumoto said triumphantly. "So, why can't I go home, to OUR home?"

Hitsugaya pointed behind her. She turned, and looked at her army of followers. "Oh. Yeah. Them." she said. "Okay, you want me to get rid of them?"

"It wouldn't be a bad idea. I think if they all leave, it would be easier to convince the other side not to kill them."

"Right, on it." Taking a deep breath, Matsumoto suddenly roared. "MY CHILDREN! I BRING GOOD NEWS… WE WON!"

"HOORAY!" They shouted.

"THAT'S RIGHT! WE WON THE BATTLE! YOU ALL FOUGHT BRILLIANTLY, AND WE HAVE WROUGHT THE CHANGE IN LEADERSHIP WE SOUGHT! GREAT JOB! YOU CAN ALL GO HOME AND GO TO SLEEP NOW!" Matsumoto proclaimed.

"TO SLEEP!" Her army echoed. Those who hadn't already passed out begin stumbling off to their barracks. The only one remaining was Captain Zaraki, who just looked confused.

"I thought we were fighting?" He said.

"We already did. Battle's over!" Matsumoto said.

"… really?"

"Yup."

"Who won?"

"Us. Thanks to you, you ultimate warrior you! You totally beat up everybody! Great job!"

"Well… okay then." He said, blinking a few times. Then he passed out.

Hitsugaya blinked at the unconscious giant. "That was simpler than I expected."

Matsumoto shrugged. "Easy come, easy go. NOW can we go to bed?"

"Well, realistically, I should stay around, confer with General Yamamoto to explain everything that's happened, get lady Orihime home, and probably talk with Momo… we have a lot to discuss, and I've been putting it off to long." Hitsugaya said thoughtfully.

"Uh-huh. Now, what are we ACTUALLY going to do?"

"GOD, I'm tired. I want to crawl into bed and die. We're going to stop to check on HQ to make sure it's still there, and then I'm going to sleep for about a week. Let Ukitake explain what's going on, he's a smart guy."

"That's the spirit!" Matsumoto cheered. The two flash-stepped out of immediate view to make sure nobody followed them, and sprinted back to the 10th's barracks to 'inspect' it, by which they meant 'look to see if it's standing', both of them in a better mood then they'd been in awhile.

And why not? Things actually seemed to be calming down!

Suuuuuuuuuure.

* * *

Upon arrival at his barracks, his domain, Hitsugaya said the only thing that really made sense to him at the moment: "Gah."

"You know, sir," Matsumoto said, shock in her voice, "When you said that we should check to check if the 'HQ was still there'… well, I'll be the first to admit that I really thought it would be."

The two shinigami stared at the space where the 10th division barracks had once been, and saw only a hideous, burned out wreck. The fire had long gone out, but judging by the smoldering pile of ash and glowing embers, it had been quite huge while it was burning. But aside from a few support pillars that had managed to come through partially intact, the building was gone.

"…Gah." Hitsugaya said again, his mouth hanging open and his eyes filled with horror. "Gah."


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: This chapter is a little short, but DAMN, look how fast it came out! It's like it wrote itself!

Chapter 16: If you pay attention, and listen very closely, you can hear the 'snap'.

"Gah." Hitsugaya said again. "Gah. Gah."

"I agree." Matsumoto said, still somewhat shocked herself (Albeit not to the same degree).

"Gah." Hitsugaya said.

"Well… I thought you'd be the one to say it, but since you don't seem to be feeling talkative, I'll be the one to open the subject. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!" Matsumoto shrieked, gesturing wildly at the burned-out ruins. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR BARRACKS?! AND WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DIDN'T **SOMEBODY PUT THE FIRE OUT?!**"

"Gah." Hitsugaya said.

"Oh, thank you for these helpful suggestions, sir. You're just so useful to have around." Matsumoto said dryly. Then she turned, her eyes drawn to sudden movement. A few burned out timbers shifted amongst the ruins, and two figures dug out of the ashes.

"… What the hell happened?" Ikkaku wondered.

"Oh, gods, it's going to take me weeks to get the smell of soot out of my hair…" Ayasegawa moaned, making some effort to get his looks back into order.

"Hello, boys." Matsumoto said in a low, dangerous tone… from three inches behind them. Both men jumped, turning suddenly… to find her behind them AGAIN.

"What happened here?" she asked softly. Both men, who had faced death a thousand times over and served under possibly the most dangerous Captain in the Soul Society's history (Well, except the three evil ones) felt a shiver of fear when they saw the look in her eyes. "What happened here?" she repeated.

"Look, we don't know anything. We were playing darts, and then there was some smoke…"

"Don't know anything?" Matsumoto repeated. "Well, now, that's odd. Because you were HERE, so you must know SOMETHING. I mean, I was in the middle of a small and slightly anti-climactic war, and even I know SOMETHING about what happened here. There was a fire. And nobody bothered to stop the fire, although it should have been fairly simple to do. Now tell me, boys, does that sound familiar to you in any way?"

"Um… well… it happened to our barracks too…" Ayasegawa said nervously.

"Bingo." Matsumoto said coldly. "Which, you know, makes me very, very suspicious, to say the least. Seems strange that the same thing could happen to two separate barracks in the space of a few short days, and the only thing those barracks have in common is YOUR DIVISION. Seems strange to me. Does that seem strange to you, Captain?" Matsumoto asked.

"Gah." Hitsugaya said, still standing there looking shell-shocked. "Gah."

"The Captain says yes." Matsumoto said, going on. "Now, if it seems strange to both of us, it seems that it should be strange to both of you, too. That makes sense, doesn't that make sense, Captain?"  
"Gah."

"The Captain says yes. But you don't seem to find it strange at all… which makes sense if you STARTED THE FIRE!" Matsumoto screamed suddenly.

"It wasn't us!" Ikkaku said in terror.

"We swear it!" Ayasegawa said.

"A likely story! Of course you would SAY you didn't start the fire; you're the most obvious suspects! You want me to go off on a wild goose chase, while you try to hide the evidence of your ARSON!" Matsumoto proclaimed.

"But… but…"

"NO MORE LIES! There's nobody else who could have done this, so CONFESS!" Matsumoto shouted authoritatively.

A few feet away, Yachiru burst out of the ashes. "Wow, that was weird! Has anyone seen my cake? I was baking a cake, and then I wandered off…"

Ikkaku and Ayasegawa smiled smugly.

"… okay, you're no longer the chief suspects." Matsumoto admitted. "YACHIRU!"

"Hmmmm?" Yachiru asked.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Well, I was stuffed in a bag in Byakushi's house, and then I realized that I could chew my way out of it! So I did, and decided I didn't want to be stuffed in a bag again, so I left and came back here to make a cake. But then, after I started making a cake, I decided to wander off in a random direction and see if I could find any weasels. Which I didn't think would be very hard, you know, 'cause there were plenty of weasels running around the barracks, but I couldn't find any. I think they were running away from the smoke that was coming from the fire that was totally unrelated to the oven I left unattended. And then there was fire, and the building burned down."

"And you seriously expect me to believe you didn't start this fire?"

"What fire?"

"The one that burned the building down!"

"The building burned down?"

"YOU JUST SAID IT DID! YOU WERE INSIDE IT WHEN IT DID!" Matsumoto shrieked in frustration, gesturing around the ruins to confirm that they did, in fact, exist.

"Really?" Yachiru asked. "How did I survive?"

"… … … … that's a good question." Matsumoto admitted in confusion. "How did any of you survive?"

Ikkaku and Ayasegawa said, "I dunno."

Yachiru said, "There was a fire?"

"… … … … … I hate you all." Matsumoto said.

"Gah." Hitsugaya said.

"THERE YOU ARE!" A female voice roared. Soi Fon appeared on the scene, flash-stepping near Hitsugaya in her Special Forces outfit, sword drawn. "Toshiro Hitsugaya, you are under arrest!"

"Gah." Hitsugaya said.

"Oh, for the love of… Captain Soi Fon, is this really the time?! There wasn't a REAL rebellion, and Captain Hitsugaya wasn't even involved in the fake one!"

Soi Fon grinned viciously. "True. But even though the top brass has chosen to excuse all involved in the 'rebellion'… I think they're too embarassed to press charges… Captain Hitsugaya is still a wanted criminal!"

"What? Why?!" Matsumoto asked.

Soi Fon's smirk got even smirkier. "While under arrest for, at the time, legitimate charges, Captain Hitsugaya escaped from prison. This is a crime, regardless of the circumstances, and he is under arrest for doing so!"

"Oh, come on! People escape from our prisons all the time! Once, I broke out then broke BACK IN after a 'drunk and disorderly' charge!" Matsumoto protested. "Look, I realize you're a stickler for the rules, but even YOU can't be this much of a tight-ass! Maybe you didn't notice, but our barracks are kinda GONE! I need Captain Hitsugaya here right now!"

"Gah." Hitsugaya said.

"… well, I need him here when he gets better." Matsumoto corrected him.

"My God, you're right!" Soi Fon said. "Your barracks ARE gone!"

"… yes, that's true. You… you just noticed?"

"Captain Hitsugaya, you are under arrest for arson!" Soi Fon proclaimed.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Matsumoto shrieked.

"Clearly, he burned down his own barracks to gain sympathy and distract attention from his crimes! He must be punished for his actions!" Soi Fon steadfastly proclaimed.

"ARE YOU FREAKIN' INSANE?!"

"Nope." Soi Fon said simply.

"You're arresting a man for something that may or may not have even been a crime, and you have no evidence of anything! And there are SEVERAL much more likely suspects, right here!" Matsumoto proclaimed, pointing at Yachiru.

"Hi!" Yachiru said.

"There! Now, what is that, if not insane?!"

"… basically what I've always done." Soi Fon said. "Okay, Captain Arsonist, time for the arresting."

"… ha." Hitsugaya said.

"What was that?" Matsumoto asked.

"Sounded like 'gah'." Yachiru said helpfully.

"No, I've gotten used to his 'gah's' by now. He's said it a few times now. This was different."

"Ha, ha, ha… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hitsugaya laughed uproariously.

"Um… Captain… you're… laughing? You can laugh?" Matsumoto asked in disbelief.

A wide, somewhat manic grin on his face, Hitsugaya turned to his vice-captain. "Of course I'm laughing! I'm HAPPY!" Hitsugaya said.

"… you are?" Matsumoto asked in shock. She looked at the burned out ruins, then at Soi Fon, then at Yachiru (who always pissed him off). "With all these things here?"

"Oh, they don't matter." Hitsugaya said, still smiling widely. Matsumoto noticed with some discomfort that his eyes were not both facing the same direction. "Nothing can ruin my good mood. I've had an epiphany, you see!"

Soi Fon looked at him in obvious confusion. "Um… I don't know him very well. Is he okay? I want him healthy when he's in jail."

"Oh, I'm not going to jail. I'm going to Hueco Mundo." Hitsugaya said simply.

"WHAT?!" Everyone there said.

"Hueco Mundo. You know, the Hollow world? I need to go there. Has to be done." Hitsugaya said matter-of-factly, his disturbing smile still firmly in place.

"Um… I feel like I've already asked this once too many times today all ready, but… are you freakin' insane?!" Matsumoto asked him.

"Of course not! Like I said, I had an epiphany! You see, what has been the major problem I've had the last few days?"

"… the 11th division?"

"Exactly! And why have they been such a problem?"

"… because they're horrible maniacs?"

"No! Because they're RIGHT!" Hitsugaya suddenly growled. "Thought and peace are meaningless illusions! The only true course in life is that of battle! Think about it: If their philosophy were wrong, we would have been able to bring them under control! But because they have discovered the truth of the universe, they are invincible and thus have frustrated our meaningless efforts!"

"… … … …" Matsumoto said, her jaw hanging open as she scared in complete shock.

"Makes sense to me." Ikkaku said.

"True, true." Ayasegawa agreed.

"Yay, cookies!" Yachiru cheered.

"YOU SEE?! THIS is the truth?!" Matsumoto raged, pointing at them.

Hitsugaya smiled even more widely. "Yea, for in their simplicity lies true wisdom. Only in directly confronting the enemy, regardless of the odds, and charging suicidally forward can victory be achieved!"

"Man, he got smart all of a sudden!" Ikkaku said.

"Captain, you need to stop and think for a second. You're actually suggesting that the 11th division is right about something, and that's just not true. I'm seriously thinking that your recent tragedies have sort of… you know, snapped you a little. You maybe need a nap." Matsumoto said soothingly.

"Oh, Matsumoto, you simple, simple little fool. The source of my problems isn't the 11th division!" Hitsugaya said, his eyes still facing in separate directions. "The source of my problems… ALL my problems… is Aizen! It's so obvious! I need to go to Hueco Mundo so I can challenge him to a one-on-one duel, the only sensible choice to make! Yes, yes, there's no flaws in that plan."

"… what about his army of arrancar? And his other two Captains?" Matsumoto asked.

"Oh, Matsumoto. It's a one-on-one duel!" Hitsugaya said, as though it were totally obvious.

"… what about how, the last time you dueled him one-on-one, he demolished you?"

"Oh, Matsumoto. That was before I understood the truth of the universe! Now that I comprehend the divine path of the 11th division, I can't fail!" Hitsugaya said as though it were totally obvious.

Soi Fon just looked confused. "Um… you're… you're… I came to arrest you, right?"

Hitsugaya's smile became very, very creepy looking, like a miniature Zaraki. "Sorry, but I can't be letting anyone stand in the way of my destiny. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be going." he said… and vanished.

Matsumoto looked around. "Um… huh?"

Soi Fon looked confused. "Huh. I didn't know he was that fast."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?! Being fast is your whole thing!"

"What? He wants to go off and die, that's his problem. Saves me the trouble of executing him!"

"… … I thought you were just going to arrest him…"

Soi Fon rolled her eyes. "What do you think I do to the people I arrest?" She asked, wandering off. Probably to go arrest someone for something.

Matsumoto tugged at her hair, not entirely certain if she meant to tear it out. "Oh, god, what am I going to do?! Captain Hitsugaya has gone insane, and god knows that whole 'fighting Aizen' thing has never gone well for him! He's gonna die, and I'm just the comic relief, I can't save the Captain by myself! What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?!" Matsumoto babbled to herself.

"Man, sounds like you got a problem." Ikkaku agreed.

"… YOU." Matsumoto growled.

"… me?" Ikkaku asked.

"Not just YOU. All three of you. This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Matsumoto screamed. "YOU drove Captain Hitsugaya nuts! He'd still be here scowling and unhappy like he should be, instead of out there happy and laughing like some twisted mockery of his former self! Who's gonna do the paperwork, damn you?! HE HAS TO DO THE PAPERWORK!" Matsumoto shrieked at the top of her lungs, grabbing Ikkaku by the collar and shaking him as hard as she could.

"ACK!" Ikkaku said in response. A great debater, Ikkaku was.

One by one, Matsumoto turned her wrathful gaze on each of the three officers, and even Yachiru shivered in fear. "Yes… yes, it is YOUR fault. And YOU are going to help me get him back!"

"Us?! But it's dangerous! Can't you just get official help from the other Gotei 13?" Ikkaku asked.

There was silence for a moment.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the four shinigami laughed.

"Yeah, that was a load of bull. Official help! God, I crack myself up..." Ikkaku admitted, rubbing a tear of mirth from his eye. "Yeah, sure, we'll give you a hand."

"Glad to hear it. Now, Captain Hitsugaya is, well… a Captain. So he's faster than we are, no doubt, but we can probably still catch up to him, just because he's going to be in the living world for a long time. I mean, he'd have to find a gate to Hueco Mundo, and I seriously doubt anyone will actually help him get there! Nobody could be THAT completely irresponsible!"

**Meanwhile, elsewhere…**

"Well, yes, I suppose I can get you to Hueco Mundo for your top-secret mission." Urahara said. "Kinda weird that my contacts didn't tell me about it, though… I guess my intel network needs some updating."

"Well, spying is inherently evil. It's like lying, you see, and lying is only acceptable if you do it to accomplish something honorable, like using a lie as a gateway to reach honorable combat," Hitsugaya said, smiling widely.

"I suppose that's one way to look at it," Urahara said doubtfully. "Are you feeling okay? You seem… cheerful. And why aren't your eyes pointing in the same direction?"

"Why, that's all your imagination. You imagine too many things, feeble academic. Too much thinking is bad for you." Hitsugaya said, smiling widely, his eyes not pointing in the same direction.

"Um… yeah. Sure. Look, I'm gonna go get that gate ready. You just… sit in a corner and don't talk to anyone. And don't look at anything."

"Okay!" Hitsugaya said, not moving.

Urahara shuddered, going to prepare the path to the Hollow world… and get rid of this freak.

**Back in Soul Society…**

"Yeah, nobody would help him, and we'll have plenty of time to get there!" Matsumoto said confidently. "That's what will happen!"

"… do we seriously have to go with you? Hueco Mundo is such a drab place…" Ayasegawa said uninterestedly.

Matsumoto turned to look him in the eye.

They made eye contact. They made eye contact for several long, silent moments. Several long, silent moments of looking at the look in Matsumoto's eyes.

"… we should get going." Ayasegawa said, noticeably paler.

"Good boy." Matsumoto said. "Now, we need to hurry. Where's the nearest gate to the material world?"

"Oooooooh, oooooh, I know!" Yachiru proclaimed.

**Several Hours Later…**

"WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?!" Matsumoto screamed in frustration.

"Left! Left!" Yachiru, perched on her back, screamed cheerfully.

"I told you not to let her steer!" Ikkaku pointed out.

"No you didn't." Ayasegawa said.

"… I didn't?"

"NO! YOU DIDN'T!" Matsumoto roared.

"… well, I thought it." Ikkaku said.

"Next, time you should speak up." Ayasegawa said calmly.

"Left!" Yachiru said.

"No! We can't keep turning… OW!" Matsumoto shrieked as Yachiru bit her in the head. "What the HELL?!"

"Don't challenge my directions!" Yachiru snapped.

"Next time, you should REALLY speak up." Ayasegawa said.

"Stay calm, Rangiku… just think, it hasn't been TOO long… he's not in any REAL danger yet…"

**Meanwhile, elsewhere… again…**

"Hahahaha… exactly as planned!" Hitsugaya exulted. Sword in hand, he stood proudly before the gates of the colossal fortress of Las Noches, facing his eternal nemesis, Aizen.

Granted, it wasn't just Aizen. Sure, there was also Gin. And Tosen. And about three hundred Arrancar in white uniforms. But Aizen was the important part.

"BWAHAHAHA! Now, it's time for my revenge, Aizen! You may as well surrender now, for it should be totally obvious to even you that victory is destined to be mine!" Hitsugaya proclaimed madly.

"You see why I thought it prudent to fetch you, Lord Aizen?" Ulquiorra asked impassively.

Sosuke Aizen, a man whose brilliant scheming and Machiavellian plots had completely fooled the entire population of the most powerful military in any dimension; a man known for nothing so much as his multi-layered genius and unimaginably complicated plots, both amazing even considering the millenia he'd had to practice them; a man who was, in short, possibly the most clever schemer Soul Society had ever seen, said the only thing that came to his mind in this situation.

"… huh?"


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: And now, for some Slightly Inaccurate Flashbacks

"Okay, any ideas?" Aizen asked, truly confused for the first time in hundreds, maybe thousands of years.

"I've come to do final, bloody battle with you!" Hitsugaya roared in response.

"Anyone except you." Aizen replied. "Does anyone except HIM have any ideas?"

"Well, I'm not exactly a psychologist, but I believe that the technical explanation would be that our old friend Toshiro has gone 'batshit insane'." Gin said.

"Oh, thank you Gin. It's so good to have your stunning tactical mind here to help us out." Aizen said dryly. "OF COURSE he's gone insane! You think I didn't notice that he's down here, ALONE, trying to challenge my entire army to a duel?!"

"Just you! The army comes AFTER!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Well, if you didn't want my opinion, why did you ask?" Gin asked, ignoring Hitsugaya.

"I wasn't asking if you have any ideas of what's HAPPENING, because that's obvious! I was wondering if you had any ideas of how to deal with it!"

"We must follow the path of least bloodshed, for on that road lies true justice." Tosen intoned.

"… yeah. Sure. I'll get right on that." Aizen said. "Seriously, Gin? Any thoughts? Because I'm drawing a blank, here."

"AH-HA!" Hitsugaya said. "As I thought, your puny tactics and weakling schemes fall apart in the face of a true warrior!"

Aizen sighed. "Toshiro, we're trying to have a discussion. Could you please exercise your madness elsewhere, just for a moment? We'll be ready to deal with you in a second."

"Sure!" Hitsugaya said cheerfully, not moving.

The three traitors (Well, the two with working eyes) stared at Hitsugaya.

He continued to just stand there, smiling widely and staring off into space.

"… what the Hell is wrong with his eyes?" Gin asked, shuddering slightly.

"Gin, that's not really important right… God, you're right, they're not facing in the same direction! That's really creepy…" Aizen said. Then he shook his head, as if trying to knock himself back on task. "Okay, that's just one more reason we need to solve this problem quickly and efficiently. Suggestions?"

"We should…" Tosen began.

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be sure to do that." Aizen interrupted him.

"But you didn't let me finish my…"

"Yes, we'll start working on that right away." Aizen interrupted him again.

Tosen sighed deeply, and stopped talking.

"Thank you for all your help, Kaname," Aizen said. "Now, Gin, do you have any ideas?"

"Well, I hate to be the one who suggests the boring, obvious solution, but… why don't we just kill him?" Gin asked.

"We can't just kill him." Aizen said impatiently. "What if he has some sort of horrible, brain-eating insanity virus? Killing him could release it into the atmosphere, and then where would we be? Can you imagine if all our Arrancar got infected and started acting like that?" he asked, pointing at Hitsugaya, who, upon noticing that he was once again the center of attention, drew his sword and began to issue another series of grandiose death threats.

"… we'd have a whole bunch of Grimmjows?" Gin responded.

"I HEARD THAT!" Grimmjow roared from his place in the crowd.

"Exactly! And that would be a disaster! Just having ONE Grimmjow already decreases our efficiency immensely; if we had an army of them we'd never get anything done! All the time we've spent getting all these Arrancar will be wasted if they all turn into useless psychos like Grimmjow!"

"OH, SCREW ALL YOU GUYS!" Grimmjow said, leaving to go find something to kick.

"Can I kill him NOW?" Tosen asked hopefully.

"No. He at least gives you something to complain about so you're not always yammering about justice all the time." Aizen pointed out.

"… remind me why I'm on your side again?"

Aizen opened his mouth, as if to say something… then closed it in confusion. "You know, why ARE you on my side?" He asked.

Silence.

"Ah-hem!" Gin cleared his throat loudly. "Hitsugaya?"

"Oh, yes, yes. We should work on that!" Aizen remembered.

"Right. Anyway, I was thinking, maybe we could collect suggestions on how to deal with him from all of the Espada?" Gin asked.

"What?"

"You know, go talk to the Espada one at a time about our problem, and see if they can help us deal with it." Gin said.

"Gin, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Aizen snapped. "Going around to a bunch of quirky, borderline-insane weirdos to ask their opinion on a problem that recently dropped into our lives? And while we're doing this, we'd just leave the problem unattended? That's idiotic! Who could possibly think that was a good idea?!"

Hitsugaya sneezed.

* * *

"Thank God for you, Momo. After all this time, I didn't think it was possible for me to still get lost in Soul Society, but that little monster sure pulled it off." Matsumoto said, with a dark look back at Yachiru (Who was no longer permitted to speak, nor to ride piggyback on anyone). The small group had been wandering lost for quite some time before Momo had run into them… apparently during the course of fleeing from the stealth forces. Apparently Soi Fon was being rather loose in her interpretation of 'full pardon'.

"It was no problem, Rangiku. Although… why isn't shiro-chan with you? I mean the last time I saw him, he was abandoning me and running off with you…" Momo said hesitantly.

"… you don't sound angry." Matsumoto observed.

"Let's just say that running away without saying good-bye is NOT the worst thing a guy has ever done to me." Momo pointed out. "The worst thing involved swords."

"Fair enough. In any case, we were actually looking for him ourselves when we got… side-tracked. He's sort of… left… Soul Society… to go to… y'know… Hueco Mundo… a little…" Matsumoto said in an embarassed sort of voice. "He's just overworked!" she added defensively.

"Well, that's not bad." Momo said.

"… huh?"

"Well, obviously I'm worried about Toshiro, but Captain Aizen is in Hueco Mundo! He'll take care of Toshiro until we get there." Momo said, her eyes getting a distinctly unbalanced look in them.

"Um… Momo, you do recognize that the last time those two were in the same room, they sort of tried to murder each other? And one of them came disturbingly close to success?" Matsumoto said gently.

"Ohhhh, yeah. That's right, I forgot that Gin has Captain Aizen under mind control. Toshiro might be in real danger!" Momo said.

"Ah-ha. So… um… just out of curiosity, how's that psychiatric counseling going?" Matsumoto asked.

"Well, the doctors tell me I'm making progress. Just last week, I was able to admit that Captain Aizen didn't create the world with his bare hands." Momo said. "So, you think he'll be happy to see me?"

"What do you mean?" Matsumoto asked.

"Well, I'm obviously going with you guys." Momo said.

Behind them, Ikkaku cleared his throat. "Um… Rangiku? Are we seriously bringing her along?"

"No!" Matsumoto said, at the same time that Momo said, "Yes!"

The group stopped moving, as Momo and Matsumoto turned to glare at each other.

"I'm COMING WITH YOU." Momo said firmly.

"No, you're staying behind when we get to the spirit gate, then you're going back to the psychiatrist." Matsumoto replied.

"Toshiro is my closest friend! Of course I'm coming!"

"Look, nothing personal Momo, but… if I wanted to kill myself, there are easier ways to do it than including you in a group that could potentially end up running into Aizen."

"… what are you getting at?"

Matsumoto sighed. "How can I put this delicately? Momo… you're freakin' nuts. If we were to go down to Hueco Mundo, I would actually recruit a random Hollow into our group rather than trust you in the same position. The Hollow, at least, could be threatened and coerced into submission. You, on the other hand, are not even remotely rational if Aizen is involved. The moment he walks into the room, you lose your goddamn mind. You may seem lucid now, but I guarantee the moment that evil jackass smiles at you and asks you, politely, if you wouldn't mind butchering us all, you will go all weird-eyed and turn on us. It's just… it's just what you DO. It's not your fault. You can't help your mental illness. But it's, y'know, not something we want around, is all."

Momo thought for a second. "Okay, counterpoint. You're arguing that if we encounter Captain Aizen, I'll betray you just because he's perfect."

"… … you're not doing much to challenge the idea."

"Alright, I'd like you to think for a second about the fights Captain Aizen has been in recently. Think REALLY hard."

**FLASHBACK:**

**  
SCENE 1: The Central 46 Chamber**

"Aizen! I'm going to kill you!" Hitsugaya roared, his bankai engaged, spiritual power pouring out and freezing the air around him. He lunged forward, his blade leading the way.

Five seconds later…

"BLARG!" Hitsugaya screamed, falling to the floor in a shower of blood.

"Well, that was fun for almost half a minute." Aizen commented.

**END SCENE**

**SCENE 2: The Sokokyu Hill**

"Don't worry, Renji. As long as we fight together nothing can go wrong!" Ichigo said confidently as he and Renji faced down Aizen.

Five Seconds Later…

"BLARG!" Ichigo and Renji screamed, falling to the floor in a shower of blood.

"Is it me, or is this getting easier?" Aizen asked.

**END SCENE**

**SCENE 3: Same**

"AIIIIIIIIIIIZEN! DIE, AIZEN!" Komamura roared.

Five seconds later…

"BLARG!" Komamura screamed, falling to the floor in a shower of blood.

"Man, I didn't even need to use my sword for that one." Aizen complained. "This is just getting stupid."

**END FLASHBACK**

"… And you really think my presence will make any difference if he decides to kill you all?" Momo finished.

Silence.

"… … … she may have a point there." Ayasegawa admitted.

"All right, you can come." Matsumoto said grudgingly. "But if you betray us, we're leaving you there. Now come on, we've already wasted like five hours wandering through our own home. There's no telling what horrors Captain Hitsugaya may be facing by now…"

* * *

"… okay, so first, we send him a basket of cookies…" Gin began.

"… Gin, what happened to you? You used to be a magnificent bastard. Even I had trouble keeping up with all the crazy scheming that went through your twisted mind. Now… now you just wander around Las Noches complaining and creeping out the Arrancar."

"Is that a problem?"

"Well, not in and of itself. I mean, let's face it, it's fun to scare them, and you're better at it than anyone. You even creep out Ulquiorra, although he won't admit it."

"He doesn't scare me." Ulquiorra said impassively.

Gin turned to look directly at Ulquiorra, smiling his creepiest smile.

Ulquiorra took a step back. "… I didn't do that because I was scared," He claimed. "I just felt like stepping back."

Aizen nodded approvingly. "See, that? That was classic Gin. But it just seems that back in Soul Society, you could creep people out, AND fight things, AND come up with multi-layered conspiracies. But here, you just don't DO anything. Even Tosen has accomplished more than you, and he sucks."

"… wait, what?" Tosen asked.

"Take these plans you've come up with. They're TERRIBLE. There's no way any of them could have possibly worked. I need you on your best here, Gin… Toshiro has become almost as creepy as you!" Aizen said.

"You're right, of course. I've just been off my game since we got here," Gin said ingratiatingly. "There's no other explanation. I'm certainly not staying out of the spotlight on purpose because I'm busy manipulating all the different sides and groups against each other for my own sadistic amusement." Gin said, smiling.

"… … … you're not, are you?" Aizen asked.

"No, of course I'm not. Probably. Maybe." Gin said. Smiling.

"… damn, you ARE creepy." Aizen said appreciatively.

"Well, I work really hard at it." Gin said modestly.

"That said, if you ever actually turn on me, you'll be dead before you realize you've been found out."

"Well now, that was sort of uncalled for. If I ever turned on you, you wouldn't know I'd turned on you until after my plan had already worked. I'm not stupid."

Aizen smiled, and actually laughed a little bit. "Yeah, you're my vice-captain, all right. Well, if that day ever comes, we'll just have to see who's planned better."

Gin's smile became even more predatory. "Yeah, I guess we HOLY CRAP!" he screamed suddenly, as an enormous pillar of ice slammed down into the middle of the three ex-captains. Aizen snapped his sword from its sheathe just barely in time to intercept another zanpakuto slicing in to take his head off. Instantly, frost began to form on Kyouka Suigetsu where it intersected with the other sword.

Hitsugaya flashed his Zaraki-smile. "I got bored of waiting for you three morons to finish congratulating yourselves. Seriously, it's like you forgot about me!"

"Well… not much…" Aizen said in a somewhat embarassed tone.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HELPED HIM?!" Matsumoto roared.

"Well… he seemed so… official." Urahara said weakly.

"YOU **IDIOT!**" Momo roared. "SINCE WHEN DO WE SEND OFFICIAL MISSIONS TO HUECO MUNDO?! DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO SEE IF HE HAD ANY DOCUMENTATION?!"

"YEAH, IDIOT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS, BUT IT'S LOOKING LIKE THE ONLY THING YOUR BRAIN IS GOOD AT IS GETTING MY CAPTAIN KILLED!" Matsumoto roared. Just for good measure, she kicked Urahara in the shin.

"Ow! Um… help?" Urahara squeaked to his employees, looking in terror at the two infuriated vice-captains who were glowering at him.

"No offense, chief, but I'm not getting involved in this one," Tessai said calmly. Jinta was clearly struggling not to laugh at his boss's plight (And failing. Miserably.), and Ururu had fainted. Urahara mused that if he survived the next few minutes, he really needed to see about hiring somebody a little more normal to help out in situations like this. That was the problem with being a Shinigami… a solid ninety percent of the hired help was completely insane.

Desperately seeking aid from some quarter, he turned to the three officers the girls had brought with them. Ikkaku seemed to be having the same problem Jinta was having. Yachiru had apparently decided Urahara's pain wasn't terribly interesting, and was trying her very best to stand on her head. And Ayasegawa, whom Urahara had deemed probably the most likely to help of the three, had unfortunately discovered a reflective surface to look at.

"HEY! Look at us when we're yelling at you!" Matsumoto snapped, drawing Urahara back to the crisis at hand.

"Kick him again!" Momo encouraged her.

Matsumoto obliged.

"OW!" Urahara said. "Look, ladies, I'll be the first to agree that some mistakes were made here, but can't we reach some kind of agreement? I mean, Captain Hitsugaya hasn't been in Hueco Mundo for very long… he might still be alive! I'll open the gate again, and you can find him! And stop kicking me!"

"… hmmmm?" Matsumoto asked Momo.

"Well… it seems fair." Momo said doubtfully. "I say we should let him open the gate, but maybe you should kick him one more time, just to be sure."

"Sounds good!" Matsumoto said cheerfully.

"OW!" Urahara said.

"Now hurry up, Genius Man! Captain Hitsugaya needs our help!" Matsumoto declared.

* * *

Aizen's knees buckled as yet another hammer-blow smashed into his blade. Once again he resisted the urge to strike back for fear that any cut on Hitsugaya could release the brain-eating madness virus that he clearly had.

Slipping on a patch of ice, Aizen turned the fall into momentum and rolled backwards, coming to his feet and flash-stepping in an effort to put some distance between himself and his opponent. Hitsugaya just watched him fall back with an evil smirk of triumph, before throwing back his head and laughing maniacally.

Aizen shook his arms in an attempt to clear the thick coating of ice off them. "Well," he growled, "This could be going better."

**Author's Note: Just between you and me? That is absolutely what I think Gin is doing.**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Sosuke Aizen: Tactical Genius

Hitsugaya, pinned down under the seven Espada who were still capable of movement, screamed his rage.

Massive glaciers dotted the landscape of Hueco Mundo. Mountain ranges had holes punched in them, and gore from the no-less-than thirty Arrancar who had been brutally slaughtered peppered the white sands. The mighty fortress of Las Noches closely resembled an ice sculpture, and huge portions of its enormous architecture were simply GONE.

Aizen, staggered to his feet, doing his best to wipe off the thick coating of blood and ice that covered the majority of his body. "Well done, my Espada." He said.

"… Lord Aizen, we're over here." Ulquiorra said from his position of pinning one of Hitsugaya's arms to the ground.

"Hmmm? OH! Oh, sorry, I think I took a shot to the head or something back there." Aizen said, still not looking at the Espada. "Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. Well done, my Espada! You have served your purpose, capturing the Shinigami Captain I lured into this clever trap!"

Gin's jaw dropped. "Oh, come ON." he said exasperatedly. He was NOT smiling, which should have been a fairly strong indicator of just what mood he was in.

"What?"

"You're actually trying to claim that this was all some elaborate plot to capture Toshiro? He almost killed you until you started using the Arrancar as human shields!"

"Yeah, about that… we'd really prefer you not do things like that, just so you know…" Halibel chimed in from her position pinning Hitsugaya's left leg.

"Did someone say you could talk, Human Shield?" Gin snapped coldly.

Had Halibel been able to take a step back, she would have done so.

"… Now, Gin, you just have to accept that you don't think on the same advanced level I do," Aizen said condescendingly, looking at a space in the air ten feet to the left of Gin. "To you, it may not have seemed obvious, but if you really, really look back at the hints and consider my complete hypnosis powers, you'll notice that I actually planned all this."

Gin looked at the utter devastation of their fortress and the decimation of their army.

"Admittedly, there were some kinks in the scheme," Aizen said.

"Yeah, like there was no scheme and you're just making stuff up because you've got this insane need to be the Great Chessmaster or something."

"Okay, Gin, what's the matter with you? You love overly complicated schemes. Is it so wrong that I should at least TRY to make it look like one went off here?"

"Okay, fine. You wanna seriously pretend you planned all this? Okay, well… great work. Really. You sure did a bang-up job. You performed a brilliant scheme to get three Espada crippled and thirty Numeros… well, I don't think 'killed' is a strong enough word, really… and our base smashed, all to capture a Captain we DON'T CARE ABOUT and, at the moment, we CAN'T RISK KILLING! And now we have to hold him alive! In our frozen castle! Great plan there, Sosuke! I would applaud you, except you see, TOSHIRO CUT OFF MY HAND!" Gin screamed suddenly, holding up his left hand… with his right hand.

"… well, we have people who can put that back on. Yammy loses a hand like once a week."

"NOT MY POINT, SOSUKE!" Gin roared. "It's bad enough that we just got totally schooled by Toshiro Hitsu-freakin'-gaya, but for God's sake do NOT act like this was some sort of plan, because it wasn't! Why would you WANT people to think you planned this catastrophic failure?!"

"Well, that's just it. You see, it only LOOKS like a failure! But when you consider my complete hypnosis…" Aizen said smugly.

"And that's another thing! Every time I call you on something, you just ignore me and say 'complete hypnosis'!"

"I have no idea what you mean." Aizen said calmly. "Oh, and… Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu."

**One complete hypnosis later**…

There were no glaciers. There were no corpses. Hitsugaya had been brought down quickly and easily, and Yammy, Szayelapollo, and Zommari had most certainly NOT been beaten into horrible bloody pulps. There were no holes in the fortress… in fact, if one looked, Las Noches actually seemed a little bit cleaner than it had been just a few minutes ago.

Gin blinked a few times. "Um… what's… huh? What were we talking about?"

"You were about to go get your hand re-attached after you cut it off by tripping over your own sword." Aizen said smoothly.

"… I… huh?" Gin said, wandering off in confusion.

"… all right, even I'll admit that was cool." Tosen, who wasn't affected by the illusion, admitted. "But… why didn't you just do that to Toshiro? Defeat him in seconds like last time?"

"I… um… actually did." Aizen admitted. "He just sort of kept coming anyway. Maybe he's so detached from reality he saw through the illusion somehow, or maybe he was just swinging blindly the whole time. Whatever it was, the hypnosis didn't stick for some HOLY CRAP!" Aizen screamed suddenly.

"RAAAAAAAAAAARGHABBLE!" Hitsugaya roared, lunging at Aizen, who barely blocked the blow in time.

"WHAT THE HELL, IDIOTS?!" Aizen snapped at the Espada.

The Espada, staring straight ahead with glassy-eyed expressions, said, in unison, "What's the problem, sir? The intruder was brought down quickly and easily before he could inflict any damage."

"… Put too much effort into the illusions, huh?" Tosen asked calmly.

"Possibly…" Aizen grunted as Hitsugaya's sword continued to press in towards his face. "You know, you COULD help out."

"That's true." Tosen said, "However, I think you should remember that as a pure being, I can only fight for justice. The path of least bloodshed demands that I not interfere with this battle."

"Um… you're blind, so maybe you didn't notice all the corpses…"

"Well, in this case, I'm really referring to the path of my OWN least bloodshed. This isn't the first time I've fought a lunatic who didn't feel any pain and kept coming no matter what, and let me tell you? It didn't go well last time I tried it."

"Son of a…"

* * *

"We're here." Matsumoto breathed.

"Hueco Mundo. Home of our darkest enemies." Momo said.

"Center of chaos and oblivion across the universe." Ikkaku said.

But it was probably Ayasegawa who put it best: "This place SUCKS." He said. "I mean, look at it! This is it? It's just a stupid desert! THIS is the center of chaos and oblivion?! I think Yachiru has the right idea." He said, gesturing at his vice-captain who, rather than staring across the rather boring desert, was trying to stand on her head.

"It is kinda lame," Matsumoto admitted. "But somewhere, trapped in this lameness, is my poor crazy Captain! Oh, poor Captain Toshiro… he's probably got sand in his socks, and his hair is all mussy… and he might be dead! Again! Come on, we've gotta save him!"

"But what if he IS dead?" Ikkaku wondered.

Matsumoto smiled chillingly. "Well, with all the super-science we have, I'm sure there's SOME way to bring him back to life at the expense of all of you guys. Just throwing that out there, y'know, give you some motivation to hurry."

"I was… I was sort of afraid the answer was going to be something like that."

"Aw, you see that? That's proof that we're starting to bond!" Matsumoto said happily, patting Ikkaku on the back. "Good for you! Now, shall we go to Aizen's palace? I'm sure that's where Captain Hitsugaya went first… you know, because he loudly proclaimed that's where he was going."

"But how will we FIND Aizen's base?" Ayasegawa asked. "Hueco Mundo is enormous! Searching for a single building is like looking for a needle in a stack of needles! We haven't a prayer of finding this palace, much less Captain Hitsugaya… our quest is vain and hopeless! All we're going to accomplish here is to ruin my skin with all of this wind and sand! We should just give up!" Ayasegawa proclaimed grandly.

"… it's RIGHT THERE." Momo said, pointing at the clearly visible Las Noches. "The thing has to be a couple miles high, it sticks out like a sore thumb in all this desert!"

"But once we arrive, we shall be completely outnumbered by Arrancar, who may well have powers we cannot even imagine! We should just give up!"

"… I thought you guys LIKED hopeless fights." Matsumoto pointed out.

"We do." Ikkaku confirmed. "Yumichika's just… well, I think I know where he's coming from. You just got a new shampoo or something, and it's time to use it, right?"

"… Facial cleanser." Ayasegawa admitted. "I really wasn't planning on the rescue mission taking this long, and I'm supposed to let it set for at least an hour before showering…"

Ikkaku rubbed his temples. "Dude, I know you've got your… quirks… and I've accepted them. But really, you could at least TRY to be less girly than the THREE ACTUAL WOMEN we have here."

"But it moisturizes AND clears my pores!"

"… okay, you know what? Fine. You wanna go home? Go ahead. But you better believe I'm telling Captain Zaraki you ran away from a fight." Ikkaku said.

"You wouldn't!" Ayasegawa gasped.

"Oh, yes I would. AND I'm gonna tell him you cried."

"But I didn't!"

"Doesn't matter, he'll believe me anyway. And when he hears that… he'll probably… promote you to fourth seat." Ikkaku said mildly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Matsumoto and Momo looked on, completely baffled. Yachiru did a cartwheel.

"Um… isn't a promotion a good thing?" Momo inquired.

Ayasegawa turned to her, rage and fear in his eyes. "Not if it's to FOURTH SEAT. Have you ever SEEN a four? It's the most drab, loathesome, hideous number of them all! All the more vile for being crouched like some kind of twisted, deformed leper between three and five, themselves the most stylish and artistic of numbers."

"So what, the number four killed your parents or something?" Matsumoto asked, finding this explanation not even remotely satisfactory.

"And you were worried **I **was too crazy to come on this mission?" Momo asked her.

"Possibly a miscalculation on my part." Matsumoto admitted.

"Let's just… let's just go. Dry skin may be terrible, but as long as I don't have to be number four, I'm willing to suffer." Ayasegawa said bravely. 'Bravely' in the loosest sense of the word.

Matsumoto turned to Ikkaku and Momo, the berserker and the lunatic… and also the sanest people she had in her corner, as Yachiru seemed to have gotten her head stuck in an outcropping of rocks. "We're… we're all gonna die, aren't we?" Matsumoto asked sadly.

"Probably. Ain't it cool?" Ikkaku replied, grinning madly.

* * *

"Oh, thank God." Aizen said, practically collapsing from exhaustion. "Is he… is he finally restrained? Triple check ALL of the chains!"

"God, I hope so." Stark, one of the five espada who weren't in the infirmary, said wearily.

"WHEN I GET OUT OF THESE CHAINS, I AM GOING TO PEEL YOUR FACE OFF!" Hitsugaya roared, chained to a wall in Las Noches with chains that were actually thicker than he was tall. The effect was somewhere between amusing and disturbing, particularly considering the amount of blood (all of it belonging to other people) that covered the raving young captive.

Grimmjow, who was on the floor rubbing an ice pack to his head (which he had made from ice he peeled off his legs), said, "Well, that wasn't fun."

Ulquiorra said, "You know, Shinigami means 'Death God'. It has never seemed so appropriate."

Nnoitra just shuddered.

"He's very cute, isn't he?" Halibel commented.

All eyes turned towards her.

"What… the… HELL?!" Grimmjow snapped, asking the question on everyone's mind.

"What? I appreciate the efficiency with which he deals death. The blood on the ice was quite aesthetically pleasing. I've never seen anyone murder quite so brilliantly…" Halibel said dreamily.

"ALL OF YOU WILL FALL BEFORE ME!" Hitsugaya roared.

Halibel sighed, blushing slightly. "Cute," she said.

"… … … … I think I liked you better when you didn't talk." Stark said.

"What shall we do with the prisoner, Lord Aizen?" Tosen asked.

"Kaname, you don't get to talk." Aizen said.

"Huh?"

"You just stood back and didn't do jack while Toshiro beat the crap out of us. You know how many espada are in this room? Five. You know how many SHOULD be here? Ten. Gin currently has half as many hands as he normally does. And me… this may actually be the first time I've been HIT with something in like five-hundred years. And you didn't do a damn thing. Just babbled about justice like you always do. So until I feel you've redeemed yourself, you're not allowed to talk." Aizen said.

"Are… are you serious, sir?" Tosen asked in confusion.

Aizen drew his sword.

Tosen shut up.

"Now, does anyone ELSE want to talk? You can all talk." Aizen asked.

Nnoitra raised his hand. "What are we going to do with him?"

"Well, we can't kill him, he's still a biohazard risk. Frankly, all we can really do is keep him locked up and keep his zanpakuto away from him. His spiritual powers should exhaust eventually, and he'll starve to death. We'll seal off this area to keep any contagions from escaping."

"Do we have to?" Halibel asked sadly. "Maybe a seal that only keeps people IN, so I can… so he can have visitors."

"You know, I've gotta side with Stark here. Stop TALKING." Aizen said, clearly a little creeped out. "In fact, all of you leave. Go set up a defensive perimeter or something. Triple the watch, just in case someone comes looking for him."

"One more question." Grimmjow said.

"Didn't I tell you to leave?! I need to set up the seal."

"Well, it's just… you told us to keep his sword away from him, right?"

"Well, yes. I mean, I figured it was obvious, but I brought it up to emphasize how incredibly important it was. With that sword, he could freeze and shatter his chains! God knows the LAST thing we need is him getting loose AGAIN." Aizen said.

"Well it's just that… we don't have his sword." Grimmjow said.

"… what?"

"We don't have it. None of us do." Grimmjow said, looking around at his fellow espada to confirm. All them nodded their agreement.

"… Kaname?"

Tosen shook his head to indicate 'no'.

"… did ANYONE remember to take his sword from him when we got the shackles on him?"

The air in the room cooled noticably.

"We just put it back in the sheathe on his back, didn't we?" Aizen asked sadly.

"It's starting to look that way." Ulquiorra said, eyes widening in fear.

"He just managed to reach it, didn't he?" Aizen asked sadly.

"… Crap." Stark said.

"Son of a BITCH." Aizen said glumly.

* * *

"Okay, now there's five of us, and a couple hundred of them, so we're not going to be able to run straight in here. Any suggestions?" Momo asked, returning to the group from a quick scouting run.

"We trust our instincts!" Ikkaku said.

"We run in, screaming and swinging at random!" Yachiru said.

"We give up and go home!" Ayasegawa said.

"… … … … there's nothing about you three that I don't hate." Momo said. "Rangiku? Please?"

Matsumoto smiled wickedly. "This, my friends, calls for the work of a genius. Our opponent is Aizen himself, and we must be even more cunning than he if we hope to survive. First and foremost, we must infiltrate the fortress and locate Captain Hitsugaya. In order to do this, we must go against everything we believe and everything we ARE… and take on the identities of ARRANCAR." Matsumoto said dramatically.

"So… we need some disguises?"

"We already have zanpakuto, so we'll need masks and white uniforms," Matsumoto confirmed. "Of course, that's just the first layer in the masquerade, but it's the most important."

"I'll say. The only place to get those are from Arrancar! How are we going to get them without raising an alarm?" Ikkaku asked.

Matsumoto smiled, and let them in on the details of the first stage of her elaborate plan.

Like all great plans, it began with cheese.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: The Further Adventures of Rangiku Matsumoto, Mistress of Treachery

Aizen dropped to the floor, panting. He could feel his heart beating harder than it ever had in his life OR death. This was made worse by the fact that it was the ONLY thing he could feel; between the ice and the blood loss, his body had gone completely numb. "… sword?" he gasped.

"Check." Ulquiorra said, weakly holding up Hyourinmaru… at least to the degree he still COULD with his arms in… that condition.

"… chains?" Aizen gasped.

"He's… h-he's in… locked!" Grimmjow stammered. Being the one who'd finally clasped the chains shut, he was still much closer to Hitsugaya than he would have preferred, and was desperately trying to drag himself away using his teeth.

"… Halibel?"

Halibel sighed deeply, staring at Toshiro with shining eyes.

"HALIBEL!"

"Hmmm… oh! Oh, sorry. Yes, Lord Aizen?"

"You're… not… hurt?"

"Not especially."

"Secret mission. Just for you." Aizen gasped out.

"What's that?"

"Drag. Us. Medic." Aizen gasped out.

"Um… can I get my fraccion to do it? I'd rather hang around here in case of… things." Halibel said vaguely, her eyes shifting back to Hitsugaya.

Aizen's eyes narrowed.

Halibel sighed in frustration. "Yes, sir."

Aizen let out a sigh of relief as Halibel picked him up to carry him to the medic. _Well, _he thought, exhausted to the bone, _That could have gone better. Still, it's over now. Sure, the defenses are a little thinned, but still, no ordinary Shinigami should be able to breach the fortress. It would take a genius of my caliber to lead anything less than a task force of Captains through my defensive web._

And he had a point. Given the power available to the average Arrancar, a squad composed of anything less than Captains would likely be cut down before they got anywhere near Las Noches.

Probably.

* * *

The two Arrancar were not particularly special, really. They had typical Arrancar names… the taller of the two was named Espachho Doriblo Penchisco de Marana, and the shorter of the two was named Woobie. You know, typical Arrancar names. Their level of reiatsu was average, at best. They were not terribly smart, nor especially good looking. Even their numbers were uninteresting: Espachho was number 61.423, and Woobie was number 'Square root of 97'.

Hey, there are only so many numbers that go between 10 and 100, okay?

Today, these two utterly average Arrancar were patrolling a small canyon just a few hundred meters south of Las Noches. The canyon was not particularly relevant, but it was close enough to the fortress that someone could concievably use it to remain unseen for at least part of their approach, so Lord Aizen insisted on having it patrolled several times a day. The two average Arrancar agreed to do so because they didn't want to be chopped into small pieces by Lord Aizen. Besides, after the bizarre situation earlier in the fortress (For some reason, about thirty of their fellow Arrancar had just disappeared, and people kept slipping on places even though nobody could see any ice! How bizarre!), getting to spend some time away was a good thing.

The two Arrancar had patrolled the canyon many times before. It was a pretty typical canyon, maybe even as typical as the two of them. As was common in Hueco Mundo, it was largely made up of sand and rocks. And… that was about it. They had travelled this canyon together a hundred times, and never had there been anything other than sand and rocks.

Until today, when the two absolutely typical Arrancar found something that was absolutely NOT typical.

"Hey," Woobie said, pointing at a plate that was lying conspicuously in the middle of the canyon. "Is that cheese?"

"You know," Espaccho said, "I think it is."

"… who do you suppose left cheese out here?" Woobie wondered.

"I don't know." Espaccho replied. "Still, it has to belong to someone. We should just leave it here."

"But it's on a plate!"

"So?"

"So, somebody might forget to bring their cheese with them somewhere, but they wouldn't forget a big heavy plate like that. Someone must have left the cheese here on purpose, to give us a little present when we went patrolling!"

Espaccho thought about that for a second. "You've got a point. I mean, they had to know we like cheese."

"Well, sure. It only makes sense. We work hard every day, but we never get recognized, and somebody must have felt sorry for us. I say we reward their gratitude by eating this cheese!" Woobie said. He and his partner proceeded forward to take up their rightful prize.

I believe I mentioned earlier that Espaccho and Woobie were not especially bright?

The second Woobie picked up the finely aged cheddar, he noticed something odd about the cheese. Not the fact that it was extremely suspicious for cheese to be simply sitting in the middle of a canyon in Hueco Mundo; no, that completely went over Woobie's head. What he noticed was that the cheese appeared to have a thick string attached to it. Woobie, confused, tugged on the string several times.

A rumbling sound began, as though somebody had attached the other end of the string to a carefully positioned small rock, and by pulling on the string, Woobie had inadvertantly moved that small rock, which in turn freed a very large pile of much, much larger rocks to begin rumbling down the sides of the canyon from a great height. Which, of course, was exactly what somebody had done.

"Oh, Hell." Espaccho muttered. He and Woobie may not have been brilliant, but they knew when to run away, and did so as the avalanche sealed off the way they'd came and continued to rumble after them. The two Arrancar sprinted for their lives, just barely outrunning the falling rocks.

Of course, then they fell.

As Woobie and Espaccho fell, it seemed to them that the only POSSIBLE reason they could be falling was that someone had calculated, to an eerily accurate degree, exactly how far the landslide would progress, and dug a cleverly disguised pit immediately at that point. Which, again, was exactly what somebody had done.

They fell a fairly long distance, landing in a network of caves, tunnels, and petrified trees that covered most of the underground of Hueco Mundo. The drop was fairly long, but while Woobie and Espaccho may not have been the greatest Arrancar ever created, they were still Arrancar. They were very durable, with skin as hard as iron, and the fall into the impromptu pit, while not exactly comfortable, did not knock them unconscious.

The five shinigami who leapt on them as soon as they landed and beat them both to a pulp, however, did.

Momo sighed sadly at the two Arrancar, then looked back at the other Arrancar they'd caught. "I really, really can't believe this worked three times. I mean, the cheese was bad enough, but we've set off three different landslides in this canyon and nobody has noticed. It's a little sad."

"Behold, the power of cheese." Matsumoto said sagely. "Okay, we finally have enough uniforms?"

Ikkaku, who was already in a white uniform along with his two squadmates, nodded the affirmative. "Although… I don't think Yachiru's is quite the right size…"

"Mmmmmmmf!" Yachiru said, her stolen uniform covering her entire body. Including her head. She fumbled around a bit to get the absurd collar out of her face, than said cheerfully, "I'm in disguise!"

"See, she's happy." Matsumoto said, waving away the concern. "Now, just give Momo and I a minute to get into our new clothes and rip their masks off, and we'll be all set." The two vice-captains departed into a side cave, dragging their new captives.

Shortly after…

Momo emerged from her 'dressing room' in a fairly normal Arrancar uniform, with the pieces of a shattered mask arranged on her head to look a little like a crown.

Matsumoto emerged in something that could be generously described as 'lingerie'. There was a vest that (Matsumoto's curves being what they were) barely maintained modesty, a pair of very short, very tight shorts, and thigh-high boots. And... that's about it.

Momo's jaw dropped. "Rangiku, what the hell?!"

"What?"

"That's clearly not the uniform you went in with!"

"Well, I made some changes. I mean, Arrancar girls dress like this, right?"

"… like prostitutes?"

"Sure, you say that now. But when all the cool Arrancar guys are falling all over me, and they just think you're a plain tomboy, don't say I didn't warn you." Matsumoto said primly… sort of ironic, considering her outfit showed more skin than it hid.

"We're not here to get dates! We're here to rescue Toshiro!"

"Wh- oh, yeah! The Captain!" Matsumoto said as though she'd genuinely forgotten.

Momo rubbed her temples to fight off the growing headache. "I begin to understand why Toshiro has been grumpier than usual since meeting you…"

Matsumoto winked. "I like to think his unrequited love has made him bitter. Okay, who's ready to infiltrate?"

* * *

Sitting in his room, Ichigo bounced a ball off the wall. He caught it. Then he bounced it again. He caught it again.

Ichigo sighed in boredom.

"God, this is dull." he said sadly, lying down on his bed. "Rukia's visiting home, Orihime is nowhere to be found, Chad and Uryu are doing whatever it is they do… man, even Kon is gone. I wonder what they all do when I'm not endangering their lives…"

**Meanwhile, at Karakura Amusement Park…**

"And now…" Uryu said grandly, "We'll see who the Beast of the Amusement Park really is!" Walking over to the 'monster' that was caught in the net that had been dropped by their elaborate trap, Uryu pulled his mask off.

"Why, it's Brickwell Bob, the real-estate agent!" Said kindly old man Caruthers, the amusement park owner.

"That's right. The first clue was the monster's footprints... they were too deep, even for something the size of the monster. Brickwell Bob cleverly kept all his documents and spare clothing in a backpack, so he'd never forget it. But he still wore the backpack under his monster costume, and the extra weight made his footprints deeper than normal." Chad intoned.

"The second clue came when we found the monster's lair!" Said Kon. "It was actually quite cleverly designed… we almost thought it was genuine, until we found the discarded chewing gum stuck to the bottom of one of the rocks! A monster wouldn't be chewing gum… but Brickwell Bob mentioned he was trying to stop smoking, so he chewed gum all the time!"

"Yeah, it was me! I was trying to scare people away from the amusement park, so I could buy the land for cheap and sell it at a huge profit once the 'monster' attacks stopped!" Brickwell Bob snarled. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your stupid talking stuffed animal!"

"Oh, don't feel too bad, Brickwell Bob." Uryu said with a smirk. "Even the 'beast' laid plans go wrong sometimes!"

And everybody had a good, long laugh.

**Back to reality…**

"Ah, they're probably as bored as I am. And who could blame them? There's nothing to do around here!"

Someone knocked on his bedroom door.

_Huh. Probably just dad. Ah, well, if I don't let him in he'll just try to ambush me later when I come down for dinner… _he thought, resolved to his fate. Sighing sadly, he got up to answer the knocking. "Coming, coming…"

When he opened the door, there was a group of nine people standing in his hallway. They all looked extremely odd, and most of them had some sort of creature standing near them or perched on a part of their body. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They laughed sinisterly. "We are the Bounts, here to destroy you!"

Ichigo groaned. "Are you guys serious?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Come on. I know I said I was bored, but I'm not THAT bored."

Kariya wagged his finger, dark humor in his red eyes. "Well, you certainly won't be bored when our evil plan to open a portal to Hueco Mundo by eating humans, which is actually not our plan, bears fruit!"

Ichigo sighed again. "Look, it's not that you guys are bad villains… well, most of you are, actually. Kariya's pretty cool, and I guess Koga's creepy metal woman is kinda neat, but most of you suck. But that's not the reason I'm not going to fight you right now, really. It's just… I haven't rescued anyone in a long time, okay? I'm really just not into the whole fighting thing right now. Once I get a nice rescue to re-vitalize me, I swear I'll come kick all your asses."

Koga looked confused. "Well… we could kidnap one of your friends?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ichigo laughed. "Oh, yeah, that'll work! You guys! Kidnap one of MY friends! You know, the same friends who, after like a month of training, just cruised through sixty percent of Soul Society's military! Yeah, you're gonna take one of THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, Ichigo slammed the door in their faces.

Kariya blinked. "Well… that didn't go as planned at ALL."

"Maybe we shouldn't have all come." Mabashi said. "I mean, all of us standing out here together makes it look like we're not, y'know, confident."

"Hey, you're the one who said we SHOULD come!" Yoshi said. "I wanted to wait until they found out about our plan that isn't our plan and came after us, but NOOOOOOOO! Let's surprise him, you said! Let's be proactive, you said!"

"You know the problem? We don't have swords. He'd take us seriously if we had swords." Ugaki suggested.

"No, I wouldn't!" Ichigo shouted from inside his room.

"… oh, screw him. You know what? Let's go hang out in my giant mansion." Kariya said.

"Yay!" The others cheered.

* * *

Grimmjow limped up to his personal posse, Shawlong, Edorad, D-Roy, Il Forte, and Nakim. The five Arrancar were on security patrol along with everyone else who could fight. "All right, we FINALLY got that crazy shinigami under lock and key. Any problems out here?"

"Nothing, Grimmjow-sama," Shawlong said, bowing deeply.

Grimmjow smirked. Honestly, the whole lot of them were sort of pathetic by Arrancar standards, but they totally called him Grimmjow-sama. That alone made them worth not eating.

"All right. Well, keep an eye out… the big man thinks that the Unstoppable Destroyer may have been sort of a kamikaze mission, sent to open a hole in our defenses for a full-scale assault."

"Why, that's just silly! No Shinigami would come here!" Said a female voice.

"Yes! None of them would, my fellow Arrancar!" another female said.

Grimmjow and his posse turned to face the new arrivals, five unfamiliar Arrancar. "Do I know you?" he growled.

"Why no, fellow Arrancar!" Matsumoto said cheerfully. "We're new! Freshly de-masked, and all that."

Grimmjow raised one eyebrow. "Yeah, okay. I think I would remember you, at least."

Matsumoto blushed. "Ah, really? Thanks. You know, I try to keep myself attractive, and it's really nice to be noticed…"

"I think he was talking to me." Ayasegawa said, brushing his hair back. "I mean, let's face it, if anyone in this group is going to sear his way into the memory of a stranger, it's me."

Grimmjow looked a little creeped out. "No, I totally was talking to the chick with the big rack. Trust me."

"There, there. No need to be shy. My appeal transcends all genders and sexual preferences." Ayasegawa chided.

"… Hold still. I'm going to punch my hand through your rib cage." Grimmjow responded, stepping forward.

"Ah, the curse of being too beautiful. Very well, strike me down if you must! I know your jealous rage will allow nothing less!" Ayasegawa said dramatically.

"What my companions were TRYING to say is, with all the new de-maskings that Supreme Lord Aizen… praise be unto him… has been performing to build up our numbers for the war, it's no surprise a few slipped throught the cracks. You must have just missed ours." Momo said hurriedly, stepping between them before Ayasegawa complimented himself into an impalement.

"Shinigamifications." Shawlong said.

"… eh?" Momo asked.

"Turning a Hollow into an Arrancar is called 'Shinigamification'."

"… seriously?" Ikkaku asked.

"Well, yeah. I mean, we're having Shinigami added to us, so we're getting Shinigamified. What's the problem?" D-Roy inquired.

"Do you really have to ask? That's clearly not a real word." Ikkaku pointed out.

"Hey, we don't make up the vocabulary." Edorad shrugged.

"Well, no, but one would think someone capable of Aizen's level of tactical thinking could come up with a SLIGHTLY better name."

Momo turned to look at Ikkaku. "Don't you DARE insult Captain Aizen's genius! Shinigamification is a great name!"

"No, it really…"

"**IT IS A GREAT NAME!**" Momo growled.

Silence reigned.

"… So, new guys!" Il Forte said, trying to break the ice that had suddenly quite thoroughly frozen the conversation. "Sooo, what are your names and numbers?"

"Oooh, ooh, my name is Yach-UMFFFF!" Yachiru began to introduce herself before being tackled by Ikkaku. Despite the disguises, the concept of 'under-cover' did not really stick in her mind.

Grimmjow's eyes widened. "What was that?"

"He's just… y'know… really loves fighting and stuff. Crazy." Matsumoto said weakly.

Grimmjow shrugged. "I can respect that." he said. Then, quite without warning, his expression took a shift towards the homicidal. "Of course, I can also respect that if you don't give me your names, I'm going to beat you all to death with your own severed legs. NOW."

"I… um… we have names! And they are good Arrancar names!" Matsumoto babbled.

"Strong, lovely names!" Ayasegawa agreed.

"In fact… maybe you should tell us YOUR names! Since ours are so very, very Arrancar, that… if anyone is suspicious here, it's YOU!" Matsumoto said, pointing an accusing finger at the group of real Arrancar.

"Suspicious?! I'm an Espada!"

"Gesundheit."

"… I think I get it. The Hogyokyu looked a little cracked. The latest batch must have some defects or something!" Shawlong said in a moment of realization. "My name is Shawlong Qufan. Shaw-long." He said very slowly, in the tone one would use to address a particularly stupid monkey. "This is our master, Grimmjow Jeagerjacques. My friends are D-Roy, and Edorad Leones, and Nakim, and Il Forte Grantz. They are all very nice. What are your names?"

Matsumoto giggled. "S-seriously!? Those are seriously your names?"

"Yes. Those are our names. Very good." Shawlong said loudly and slowly.

Matsumoto, clearly struggling not to laugh, said. "Well, okay then. My name is… Los Basso Tempo. These are my friends G-Fred, Desklamp Panzermeister, Abdul, and Paolita." She said, picking some random syllables that sounded vaguely similar to the names she'd already heard.

Grimmjow shrugged. "Well, those are all Arrancar names. I guess you pass."

The shinigami infiltrators let our a sigh of relief.

"After you tell me your numbers."

The sigh went away, and took the relief with it.

"I… am… well… number… … … six?" Matsumoto said tentatively.

Grimmjow's expression got very, very dark.

"Should have said three." Ayasegawa suggested. "It's the best looking."

**Author's Note: In Matsumoto's defense, Arrancar girls totally DO dress like hookers.**

**Author's Note 2: Several people requested Uryu make an appearance. These people should be careful about putting ideas into my brain.**

**Author's Note 3: I just couldn't resist giving the Bounts a cameo. I may treat them harshly, but deep down I love them; from the tops of their absurdly-designed heads to the bottom of their gratuitously German feet. If you don't like that Bounts, I suggest you just close your eyes and say 'It could be worse. It could be **_**Naruto**_** filler. At least Ichigo is fighting vampires instead of looking for curry or catching rare bugs or whatever the Hell they do in that show between arcs.'**


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: So, my computer had a critical existence failure recently, meaning, unfortunately, that most of my files were gone with the wind. Luckily, most of my stories were on this site, so once the new unit came, I was able to get back a lot of writings. As I was copying the last chapter of this story, I noticed something… right, directly below my author's note? The one where I complained about **_**Naruto **_**like the bitter geek I am? Was a banner ad for **_**Naruto. **_

**Maybe it's just my weird sense of humor, but that cracked me up.**

**Author's Note 2: Some people were curious about the Bounts. So here's some Bount trivia! Just because I can.**

**-The Bounts are the villains of the anime-only filler arc that comes between the Soul Society and Arrancar storylines. I'm not going to go into too many spoilers, other than to say the Bounts are a tribe of human-like creatures with spiritual powers, similar to the Quincy, only more of a problem because they eat human souls to extend their own life span (They are the basis behind the legend of the vampire), and if they take these souls from a human who is still alive, it can seriously screw up the dimensional fabric and open portals to Hueco Mundo. Soul Society has tried to exterminate them in the past, but really, you probably guessed that already. Most groups have had Soul Society try to exterminate them at one point or another. At this point, it's just like genocide is their way of saying 'welcome to the neighborhood'. **

**- The Bounts themselves are not German… I mean, they have names like Kariya, Yoshino, and Koga. **_**But**_** all of the names and command phrases for their 'Dolls' (Creatures they summon to fight for them, and their equivalent of Zanpakuto), are in German. Gratuitous, gratuitous German. **

**- As anime filler villains go? The Bounts aren't half bad. Really, the biggest complaint most people have about their arc is that 'it's not as good as the main storyline', which is true, but it's not a bad plot, overall. Worth watching. **

**-Some of them are cool, like Kariya and his bitchin' wind powers, and Koga's creepy liquid metal woman doll. Then, some of them completely suck. Like the dude with the snakes. Oh, and the girl with the fan! She's awful. **

**Chapter 20: Espionage**

"… did I say something wrong?" Matsumoto gasped.

"Hmmmm… could be." Grimmjow said.

This seems as good a time as any to point out that Matsumoto was 'gasping' because Grimmjow's hand was clamped around her throat.

"Now you see, there's a minor problem with you being number six. This SLIGHT problem, so small that I hesitate to even mention it, would be that **I **am number six."

"Um… clerical error?" Matsumoto choked out.

"Now, I could sort of accept that you were just stupid. Lord knows you guys have been putting off that vibe. But the thing is? The only people with a number in the single digits are the Espada."

"Gesundheit." Ayasegawa said.

Grimmjow punched him in the face. Hard.

"… ow…"

"Where was I? Oh, yes. Now, even the most idiotic Arrancar should know her own number, and she should damn well know whether or not she's in the freakin' Espada. Since you don't know EITHER… well, I'm gonna have to ask you to tell me what's REALLY going on here. Either that, or I squeeze your neck until your brain comes out your ears. 'Kay?" Grimmjow said, rather calmly for him, actually.

"… would you believe that we're delivering a pizza?" Matsumoto squeaked.

* * *

"Hmmm… this hasn't gone quite as planned." Hitsugaya said, from his position chained to a wall in the depths of Las Noches. "Not quite as planned at all."

Hitsugaya wracked his brain to try to determine what part of his intricate, brilliant plan had been flawed. Get to Hueco Mundo? Check. Challenge Aizen's entire army to a duel? Check.

Huh.

The plan certainly SEEMED perfect. So how was it, then, that he had been chained to a wall? This whole thing didn't make any sense.

"Of course!" Hitsugaya said cheerfully. "I didn't lose!"

That had to be it! Certainly, he couldn't have possibly have been defeated… he'd launched himself head first at a huge enemy army with no backup, a scenario which guaranteed victory. Obviously, he hadn't actually lost. Yes, that was the only possible explanation.

But… if he hadn't lost, why was he chained to a wall? The winner didn't get chained up, that was a rule. The winner just stitched up their injuries and went to go find an even bigger fight, right? Yes, that was how his idol, the great Kenpachi Zaraki, did things. And if Zaraki did it, it was obviously the One True Way. Yet here he was, chained to a wall! Zaraki would be ashamed of him.

"Hmmm… if I'm chained to a wall, but I didn't lose…" Hitsugaya thought aloud, "Oh, this logic is too hard! What do you think, Mr. Whiskery?" He asked his magical talking cat, Mr. Whiskery.

"You're great, Toshiro!" Mr. Whiskery said.

"Well, yes, obviously, but I'm chained to a wall."

"… Possibly."

"No, I'm definitely chained. But I can't have lost the fight, can I have?"

"Of course not!"

"Hmmm… what if I did lose the fight? What if I was beaten by their sheer numbers and chained to this wall, and my mind is blocking it out because I'm completely insane?"

"Don't say such things, Toshiro! You're perfectly sane!" Mr. Whiskery said, his fur turning bright pink as he did so.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, I can't think of anybody who's more sane than you. And that's for true!" Mr. Whiskery said, turning briefly into a plaid crocodile before becoming a cat again.

"Oh, thank you Mr. Whiskery. You're so clever." Hitsugaya said fondly.

"No, thank YOU, Toshiro. Thank you for being SO GREAT."

"I try." Hitsugaya said modestly.

"So… any thoughts on the chain thing?"

"Well, just one. Obviously, if you're chained to a wall, but you didn't lose, that must mean that the fight isn't over yet!"

"Of course!"

"Wow, you need to get out of here and find Aizen again!"

"But how?"

"I know! You can break your chains!"  
"Hmmm… but how? I don't have Hyourinmaru!"

"Oh, silly Toshiro. Just use your teeth!"

"… But the chains are metal, and really thick. Won't that hurt my teeth? Horribly? Like, break them all?" Hitsugaya wondered.

"No!" Mr. Whiskery said in reply.

"Well, I guess you'd know."

"I sure would! Who knows more about dentistry than cats?" Mr. Whiskery replied.

"Well, then, I'd best get started. Time to get out of here!" Hitsugaya said, beginning to gnaw on his chains.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight. You are newly-minted Arrancar, freshly Shinigamified." Grimmjow said.

"Can we think of a different word for that?" Ikkaku asked.

"But you're not just Arrancar. You're Arrancar from the future."

"Yay!" Yachiru cheered. It was not immediately obvious if she was cheering to confirm Grimmjow's summary, or just for the sake of making a loud noise.

"And just after being de-masked," Grimmjow continued.

"Much better." Ikkaku said.

"You were attacked by a strange woman with magical powers who zapped you into the past," Grimmjow continued. "And you didn't know about me or your numbers because in the future, all of the Arrancar have taken up… what was it?"

"Cake baking." Matsumoto filled in.

"Ah, yes. All the Arrancar have become _bakers_, and there's no need for us to be numbered or organized into a military unit." Grimmjow concluded.

"That's right!" Matsumoto confirmed.

"… … … and this was REALLY the best story you could think up?" Grimmjow said doubtfully.

"Yeah, I can't believe it either," Momo said sadly.

"I mean, I can't even begin to count all the things wrong with this idiot story. First and foremost, you expect me to believe some random redheaded girl can just manipulate time and space?" Grimmjow asked.

"… actually, I never said she was redheaded…" Matsumoto said.

"I mean, that's just ridiculous! Some random, redhaired girl with big breasts is just suddenly able to warp reality and bring back the dead? Erase events from history? I mean, if she was a healer who could create forcefields, that's a little more believable. But to go from that to TIME MANIPULATION? That's just absurd." Grimmjow continued.

"…" Matsumoto stared, a tad bit confused.

"... sorry about that. Sort of went to a weird place on that one." Grimmjow said. "What was I talking about?"

"Why her story was incredibly lame." Momo said sadly.

"Oh, yeah! Well, even beyond the time thing, there's the cakes. I don't know if you noticed? But we eat PEOPLE." Grimmjow said.

"Well, maybe they're people cakes. With like… frosting. And stuff." Matsumoto added.

"Oh, now this is just getting stupid." Momo said, rubbing her temples.

"No, it's been stupid for awhile now." Grimmjow informed her.

Momo looked up at him with a long-suffering look. "You have NO idea."

"Oh, shush. You haven't been with us long enough to start acting like the Captain yet." Matsumoto chided her.

"And what Captain would this be…?" Grimmjow inquired.

"… whoops?" Matsumoto said.

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hitsugaya laughed, still gnawing on his chains. He hadn't actually made even the slightest progress in chewing through them, and honestly never would. Still, it's best to remain positive about these things.

* * *

Captain-Commander Yamamoto sighed sadly. "You know, after the recent… well, let's not mince words, it was a civil war… I was hoping to have a small break. Don't you agree, Jushiro, Shunsui?"

"It would have been nice." Kyoraku agreed.

"I understand that you've had a trying day, sir. But I really felt that it was important the two of you meet me here." Ukitake said.

"Very well. I trust your judgment, Captain Ukitake. What is it that you wished to speak to us about?" Yamamoto asked.

"Well, I couldn't help but notice," Ukitake began, leaning against the bars of his cell as he did so, "That I've been arrested and thrown into prison. Again. And I was really wondering… _**why?!**_"

"Well, the treason, obviously." Yamamoto said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"I thought it was proven that I actually had nothing to do with the 'rebellion'?" Ukitake asked.

"Well…" Yamamoto began. "Captain Soi Fon said…"

Ukitake sighed sadly. "No need to finish, I think I've gained an accurate picture of what's going on."

"Don't worry, Jushiro," Kyoraku said. "Just because she has basically unlimited power to arrest anyone …"

"She has that?"

"… we think she arrested the person whose job it was to make sure she didn't have that power," Kyoraku said, somewhat embarrassed. "Anyway, my point is that Yamamoto still has the authority to determine your sentence. So it's very unlikely that you'll be executed."

"Not THAT unlikely." Yamamoto said.

"… huh?" Kyoraku and Ukitake asked in unison.

"Well, he did commit treason. The head of my special forces said so." Yamamoto said.

"But she didn't provide any evidence. Or really, press any charges. She just threw me in a cell, said 'treason', and ran off to go look for more people." Ukitake said. "… I'm getting sick of her doing that, by the way."

"Well, maybe you should stop committing crimes." Yamamoto said.

"But I haven't committed any crimes!"

"Your trial will determine that." Yamamoto said calmly.

"… I hate you, sir." Ukitake said.

"You see? That kind of attitude is why you keep getting arrested." Yamamoto said.

Soi Fon chose that moment to walk in, carrying a small child. She walked up to an empty cell, opened the door, and threw him in. She then shouted, "TREASON!" and slammed the cell door shut.

"There?! You see?!" Ukitake said. "Is that normal? Child, tell me something: were you part of the 10th division's rebellion?"

"Um… no…" the child said, obviously very confused.

"He's in the 10th division!" Soi Fon replied.

"No he's not!"

"Well… he's ten years old! That's almost the same!" Soi Fon said.

"But I'm _not _ten years old!" The child protested.

"Wow. She's hit a new low." Kyoraku said.

"… Look, the point is, someone needed to be arrested, and I've done it. Are you people forgetting we just had a civil war? Traitors are everywhere!" Soi Fon declared.

"Captain Soi Fon…" Yamamoto said softly. "As much as I appreciate your zeal, I must point out that all participants in that incident were cleared of all charges. You know, based on the fact that they were so drunk they had no idea they were even involved in a rebellion, and if we had arrested them, we would have lost a quarter of our army?"

"Your point?"

"… maybe you should take a break. Take a vacation. Whatever you do, just… stop arresting people." Yamamoto gently advised.

"Hmmm… you think so?" Soi Fon asked.

"I'm forced to agree with him." Kyoraku said.

"I REALLY agree with him!" Ukitake said from within his jail cell.

"Huh. Well, you've certainly given me something to think about." Soi Fon said.

**Thirty seconds later…**

Soi Fon slammed the cell door, locking Yamamoto and Kyoraku in the cell with Ukitake. Then she shouted "TREASON!" and ran off, probably to arrest more 'conspirators'.

Yamamoto blinked a few times. "What the-?!"

Kyoraku, eyes wide with shock, said, "You know, she's a lot faster than I remember."

Ukitake sighed sadly. "Well, this isn't good."

"Tell me about it." Said the not-ten-year-old child.

* * *

"Momo, I'm telling you, LET ME HANDLE THIS!" Matsumoto snapped.

"You're not doing a great job so far!" Momo replied.

"I am doing a WONDERFUL job! Have you already forgotten the cheese?! My plans are FLAWLESS!" Matsumoto retorted.

"The cheese only worked because those Arrancar were morons! This one actually seems to have a working brain cell somewhere in his head!"

"Oh, don't let that fool you." Matsumoto said, waving away her concerns. "Certainly, he has a certain level of intelligence… in the way a weasel, or perhaps an especially clever dog, might have some animal cunning. But he is no match for me in a battle of wits." Matsumoto said confidently.

"Look, Rangiku, I'm not saying you're not a highly skilled tactician. I'm just saying your talents… don't really lie in _avoiding _notice so much as _attracting _it. A spy, you are not." Momo said diplomatically.

"I'm totally fooling this guy, though!" Matsumoto protested.

"Rangiku, he completely sees through you! Not too hard, considering your clothes have about as much fabric as a handkerchief, but still!" Momo said.

"He doesn't suspect a thing! And these clothes are _cool_."

"Well, in the sense that they couldn't possibly warm you in any way, that's true."

"See if you're still thinking that when all the hot Arrancar guys are coming after me, and they think you're just a plain tomboy!"

"You've already said that." Momo pointed out.

"It's still a valid point!" Matsumoto snapped.

"No, it WOULD be if we were here to get BOYFRIENDS. We're NOT!"  
"Yeah… well… um… you're small-chested!"

"Well, you're a whore!"

"Oh, you little…" Matsumoto growled, going for her sword.

"Bring it!" Momo said, drawing Tobiume.

"Ah-hem." Ikkaku said. "Not to interrupt your fun, but you do realize that the Arrancar are still here, right?"

Momo and Matsumoto stopped in mid-swing. "Heh… hehehehehe…" The both began to chuckle nervously, looking over at Grimmjow and company who were, indeed, still there.

"Well… guys…" Matsumoto said delicately. "I hope you enjoyed our rendition of… 'Shinigami Arguing', the new play by our esteemed companion, renowned Hollow playwright Desklamp Panzermeister," She said, gesturing at Yachiru.

"Mmmmmffff!" Yachiru said. She had fallen over while doing a headstand, and her stolen Arrancar uniform was once again covering her head.

"She's a little eccentric, but really a genius. Really." Matsumoto said quickly.

"Wow, I completely believe that story," Grimmjow said dryly. "Of course, that's to be expected, given that I have approximately the same level of intelligence as a particularly clever dog."

"… no, that's your character in the play!" Matsumoto said.

"Ah, of course. How could I make such a mistake." Grimmjow said. Then he drew his sword.

"Now, there's really no need for that."

"I beg to differ. The next scene in the play clearly says 'And then Grimmjow killed the poorly disguised Shinigami spies. End scene'." He said, smirking viciously.

Momo scowled at Matsumoto. "Just for the record? This is your fault."

"No, no I don't think it is. At very least, I won't be remembering it as being my fault." Matsumoto said thoughtfully.

"… I hate you."

Grimmjow lunged forward, Pantera leading the way, a psychotic grin on his face.

Then he stopped, his sword caught by someone's bare hand.

"… what the hell?!" He growled, naturally somewhat confused by the fact his bloodthirsty lunge was no longer… y'know, lunging. "How did… when did…?!" he sputtered.

"You hit," Ayasegawa said, his hand clamped onto Pantera and a look of raw fury in his eyes, "My _face._"

"… what the Hell? Your reiatsu is nothing! A shot from me should've had you out for a week! How are you standing up?" Grimmjow asked.

"You _hit _my _face._"

Ikkaku winced. "Ooooh, you shouldn't have done that."

"What are you babbling about?! Of course I hit your face, we're FIGHTING. Hits to the face are gonna happen!" Grimmjow snapped.

"You _**hit **_my _**face**_." Ayasegawa growled again. "More to the point… you _**bent my nose!**_"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. "Yes, and in a second I'm going to shove your own Zanpakuto up it, so if you maybe quit whining for ten seconds, we could…" He began to say. Then, suddenly, he wasn't saying anything because a fist slammed into his face like a comet and sent him flying through the air to smash into the side of a nearby cliff.

"There. No we're even." Ayasegawa said primly, crossing his arms in satisfaction. Then he looked around, to see everyone (with the exception of Ikkaku, who had been expecting it, and Yachiru, who really wasn't paying attention) staring at him with some mixture of shock and awe.

"…What?"


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note: Um… oops? Sorry about the length between updates… between school and work, I've been kinda swamped, and then I made the mistake of getting involved in National Novel Writing Month (I won! I have a truly horrible 53,258 word manuscript on my computer as we speak. It is **_**bad**_**, but that's because I wrote the whole thing in one month). Also, I'm lazy and absentminded. **

**Please don't think I was updating a bunch of stories and leaving my **_**Bleach**_** fans in the lurch, though… I share this account with my sister, and that was her updating her stories. **

**Author's Note 2: Soooo… I've read ahead, thanks to the wonders of manga scanlations… and in the latest chapters of **_**Bleach, **_**it seems Halibel is fighting… Hitsugaya. Yes, you heard me right… when confronted with the whole of Soul Society to fight with, Halibel went **_**straight **_**for Toshiro. Coincidence? I think not.**

_**Chapter 21: In Which Stealth Fails. Again. Still.**_

The group looked at Ayasegawa. Then they looked at Grimmjow. Then they looked back at Ayasegawa.

This continued for several minutes.

It was Momo who, after this long silence, said the thing that was on all their minds.

"What the HELL was that?!" She asked, her tone somewhere between awe and terror.

"He bent my nose." Ayasegawa said simply. "Nobody should EVER bend my nose."

"But he… you… Captain level!" Momo sputtered, pointing at the unconscious Grimmjow.

"He bent my nose." Ayasegawa replied.

"For future reference?" Ikkaku interjected. "It's a bad idea to do that. Seriously."

"Weirdo is weird!" Yachiru said cheerfully.

"Nobody's gonna argue with that." Matsumoto agreed.

"Oh, god, there's another one." Shawlong said in sheer terror. "Retreat! We have to warn Lord Aizen!"

"What about Lord Grimmjow?" D-Roy asked.

"If you want him slowing you down, good for you!" The other Arrancar shouted back from about five hundred meters away, and getting further.

"_No fair running away without me!_" D-roy protested, fleeing to join his comrades.

"Well. So much for sneaking in," Momo said. "You realize, of course, that we're all going to die?"

"Oh, Momo, you simple fool. Surely you must have recognized the tremendous tactical advantage this has given us?" Matsumoto said condescendingly.

"And that would be…?"

"… … … I don't know. Seriously, I was asking if you recognized it, 'cause I got nothing."

"I was afraid of that." Momo said sadly. "All right, since it seems like I'm the only one here even slightly interested in keeping us alive, it looks like I'm going to have to come up with the plans from now on."

"Hey! My plans haven't been that bad!" Matsumoto protested.

All over Las Noches, alarms began to sound, calling hundreds of bloodthirsty Arrancar to war.

"… Momo, please tell me you have a plan." Matsumoto pleaded.

"Well… sort of…" Momo said.

Five minutes later…

"THIS IS A BAD PLAN!" Ayasegawa said.

"I AGREE!" Grimmjow agreed.

The two had been tied to a large rock, which was now being pushed in front of the rapidly disintegrating Hitsugaya-rescue force. More specifically, they had been tied to the side of the rock that the other members were _not _pushing, putting the two of them between the Arrancar fortress and the team.

"Okay, just so we're clear… we're using that Arrancar and Ayasegawa as human shields. If they start taking attacks, their natural berserker fury will activate, causing them break free of their bonds and charge blindly into the enemy hordes. Then, we will use their horrible deaths to distract the enemy, while we sneak into the fortress." Momo said. "Any questions?"

Ikkaku raised his hand. "We're… um… sacrificing Yumichika?"

"Looks like." Momo said.

"… why?"

"Well, someone had to be the human shield. That Arrancar didn't cover enough of the rock to go alone." Momo said, as though this were the most logical thing in the world. "Besides, every shot he takes to the face is one dead Arrancar for us. He's the best choice."

"Isn't that a little… ruthless?" Matsumoto asked doubtfully.

"You're right, Rangiku. Let's take him down and put you up there."

"Nice knowing you, Yumichika! Your sacrifice will not be in vain!" Matsumoto said cheerfully.

"I'm not making a sacrifice! I'm being murdered!" Ayasegawa protested.

" 'Murdered' is such a harsh word." Momo chided. "Accurate, but harsh."

"What about me?! Why doesn't anyone care about me?!" Grimmjow asked in panic.

Silence.

"Oh. Yeah. You're Shinigami. Never mind." Grimmjow remembered.

"Well, that doesn't explain why they don't care about _me!"_ Ayasegawa wailed.

"It's not that we don't care about you, Yumichika." Ikkaku said.

"Yes, it is." Matsumoto replied.

"I don't care about him at all." Momo agreed.

"Screw him!" Grimmjow said.

"Who's 'Yumichika'?" Yachiru wondered.

"It's not that we don't care about you, Yumichika," Ikkaku said again, as if they hadn't spoken. "It's just that we need to win the battle, right? Squad 11 doesn't accept defeat, no matter what. We claim victory on the battlefield and leave no enemy standing, even if it means our death. Or, in this case, YOUR death."

"I… I suppose that makes sense… in a way…" Ayasegawa said doubtfully. "It's just that this isn't really the way I planned to go out. Although I suppose if you had to pick one person to be a beautiful sacrifice chained to a rock, it would be me…"

"Can you kill me now?" Grimmjow wondered. "I'm really uncomfortable being chained to the same rock as him."

* * *

"We clearly need a plan," Ukitake said. "This prison is very bad for my tuberculosis."

"Your disease is tuberculosis? I never knew that." Kyoraku said wonderingly.

"Oh, I never come right out and say it, but the hints are there." Ukitake replied. "But that's beside the point."

"The point," Yamamoto agreed, "Is 'how can a ghost get tuberculosis'?"

"Not the point I was getting at, sir, but valid… in a way. No, what I _meant _was…"

"And while we're on the subject, how is it that we seem to be a feudal Japanese society, but we still have computers, and all that stuff?" Kyoraku wondered.

"No, you see, you're getting off topic…" Ukitake interjected politely.

"Well, personally, I've always wondered why Captain Komamura looks like a fox. He's like a son to me, I've known him for centuries… and I've never gotten a satisfactory explanation for why he appears to be a humanoid fox. It's confounding." Yamamoto said.

"SHUT UP!" Ukitake roared.

The other three people in the cell (The random child Soi Fon had chosen to lock up with them for no reason was sitting in the corner), turned to look at him in shock.

"Yes, I realize Soul Society doesn't make sense! But right now, we need to focus on the fact that its lack of sense has gotten us all stuffed into jail without a trial!" Ukitake said, seizing control.

"Young Jushiro is right. We need to escape from this cell and execute Captain Soi Fon." Yamamoto agreed.

"We're not going to execute her, sir. She's just… overzealous. Besides, we really can't afford to lose her."

"Ah, good point. But someone clearly needs to be executed for this." Yamamoto said wisely.

"… why?"

"Oh, I don't know. Why do you think the Quincy and the Bounts needed to be subjected to a brutal genocide?" Yamamoto asked sarcastically.

"… actually, I've always wondered that…" Ukitake said sadly.

"Because, in spite of what Aizen seems to think, I'm in charge of Soul Society, that's why. What I say, goes. And in case you haven't noticed, I solve my problems with violence." Yamamoto replied. "I suppose, since we can't afford to lose any military strength, we'll just have to execute this boy. Remind me to drag him to the Sokokyu later."

"Eep!" The random boy said.

"Oh, don't worry, child. I'm joking!" Yamamoto said merrily.

"… Oh… um… ha, ha…" The child laughed nervously.

"The Sokokyu was destroyed when Rukia Kuchiki's execution was stopped. I'm just going to burn you to death when I get my sword back." Yamamoto continued.

"… ha?" The child laughed far, far more nervously.

"He wasn't joking that time," Ukitake said, rubbing his temples to fight off the migraine. "Don't worry, we won't actually let him kill you. Or, if we can't stop him, we'll… we'll send your family a fruit basket, I guess."

"Man, that headache is going around, isn't it? Toshiro had one when he visited me earlier." Kyoraku said.

"Oh. Wow. What a shock." Ukitake said in an underwhelmed tone.

"I thought so."

"Now, if you two are finished being… yourselves… could we focus on getting out of here?" Ukitake asked.

"Getting out is easy. It's _Soul Society _prison, after all. The bars are made of wood, the guards are composed entirely of people that we could beat just by concentrating at them, and they didn't bother to seal our reiatsu when they threw us in. Honestly? I'm surprised that they remembered to lock the door." Kyoraku said. "The hard part is getting out without the 'She-Wolf of the Stealth Forces' catching us and throwing us right back in."

"We are three Captains, and I am the Captain-Commander, the single most powerful person in the Gotei 13. Between us, we have the power to shatter continents and knock the moon out of orbit. Do you truly believe we cannot best Captain Soi Fon?" Yamamoto demanded.

"Oh, like we bested her last time?" Kyoraku asked dryly.

"… she caught me off guard, last time." Yamamoto replied, in a vain effort to save face.

"She is rather fast." Ukitake agreed. "And she took our swords."

"We'll clearly need a plan of subtlety and guile." Yamamoto said. Then he fell silent.

The silence continued.

Then it continued some more.

"Well?" Ukitake asked impatiently.

"Hmmm? Oh, you wanted _me _to come up with a subtle plan? 'Subtle' is not my specialty, Jushiro. 'Giant inferno' is my specialty." Yamamoto pointed out.

"Fair enough. All right, any thoughts, Shunsui?" Ukitake asked.

"Well… we could go around to all the other Captains, and ask them for advice?" Kyoraku suggested.

"Oh, now that's just stupid."

* * *

"… you have to realize we're willing to go through Grimmjow to get to you." Gin said. The seventy Arrancar behind him nodded in agreement.

"I'm willing to go through Grimmjow SEVERAL times." Tosen said eagerly from his position standing next to Gin. Aizen wasn't around, so he was feeling free to talk. "Please, don't surrender… I've got about twenty _kido _that I've been practicing specifically so I could use them on Grimmjow."

"Ah-ha! But if you attack him, her berserk fury will kick in, and he shall break free from his bonds and slay you!" Matsumoto proclaimed grandiosely.

"Well, that sure is a good incentive for me to take his head off with the first shot, now isn't it?" Gin replied.

"… … … …"

"You really didn't think this one through, did you Rangiku?" Gin asked in a sympathetic tone.

"No. No she didn't." Momo chimed in.

"HEY! This was your plan!" Matsumoto protested.

"No, no I don't think it was." Momo said, in her best impersonation of Matsumoto trying to foist off responsibility on someone else.

"Oh, that's IT. You've had this coming for awhile now!" Matsumoto snapped, drawing her sword.

"BRING IT!" Momo agreed, Tobiume leaping from its sheathe.

Ulquiorra limped up to stand next to Gin. "Are they trying to kill each other?"

"It would seem." Gin said, smiling. He hadn't smiled a lot since getting his hand reattached, and it was nice to be smiling again. A return to form, sort of... it was hard for him to be creepy when he didn't have a creepy smirk on his face, after all. Yes, getting it back was definitely a good thing. Comforting.

"Are we going to attack them while they do so?"

Gin turned to look at Ulquiorra in disbelief. "No, idiot, we are _not _going to interrupt the catfight. Are you a man or aren't you?"

"No Espada would let something as simple and primitive as their sex drive interfere with the efficient performance of their duties, sir." Ulquiorra said.

"Hmmmm… Toshiro…" Halibel said dreamily.

"… or so I thought." Ulquiorra finished.

"Look, Ulquiorra… in spite of the impressive force we've managed to assemble here, we're not really at full strength. Only about half the Espada can even walk… and of those, Stark is taking a nap, Halibel is caught up in her bizarre little crush, and Nnoitra can only walk because most of the damage was to his _upper _body. Captain Aizen is so bandaged up he looks like a mummy, Tosen is totally uninjured because he's a loser who didn't get involved in the last fight, and will probably just babble about justice instead of helping in this one…"

"HEY!" Tosen protested.

"And I, personally, have no feeling in my left hand after… um…" Gin stopped, looking confused. "How_ did _I lose my hand? I remember us defeating Toshiro easily and with no casualties, and then it was suddenly gone… … … _Dammit, Sosuke, what have I told you about using your stupid hypnosis on me?!" _Gin suddenly screamed. Aizen wasn't there to hear it, of course, but the yelling made him feel better.

"So… we aren't going to stop them?"

"Nope!"

"Not going to hinder them in any way?"

"Not really, no."

"Not even if they used the attention that you drew to yourself with your big speech just now to sneak away?"

"Well, if that happened, I suppose we'd have to…" Gin stopped, noticing that he did _not _hear the sweet sounds of a catfight. "… Ulquiorra?" He said cautiously.

"Yes, sir?"

"If I turn around, I'm not going to see any Shinigami, am I?"

"Well, I wasn't really paying attention to them until just now, but it looks like just the one, sir." Ulquiorra said, looking over Gin's shoulder.

"HOW COULD THEY LEAVE ME BEHIND?!" Ayasegawa wailed to his absent teammates.

"Sucks to be you," Grimmjow said in a less-than-conciliatory tone.

"Tosen! Why didn't you say something?!" Gin snapped. "You were staring right… at… them…" Gin said, his voice trailing off as he realized exactly what he was saying.

Tosen didn't reply. He didn't really _need _to.

"… crap." Gin said.

* * *

"Mr. Whiskery, I truly believe that this plan will not succeed. I have chewed these chains for what must be… and I can only guess, because without bloody combat I have no reliable method to measure the time… nearly a year, and yet nothing has occurred. The chains, they do not break." Hitsugaya said.

Mr. Whiskery, looked concerned. "Hmmmm… have you considered that perhaps, you just aren't _trying _hard enough?"

"But… but I try as hard as I can! To put any more effort into the bitings would leave me without teeth!" Hitsugaya said sadly.

"Then you are weak. And you will rot here like a weakling deserves." Mr. Whiskery said coldly.

"But… but Mr. Whiskery! I've done all I could!"

"No, you _could _bite the chains harder!"

"You ask too much of me!"

"I ask only what must be done." Mr. Whiskery said cruelly.

"I… I thought you were my friend. But now I see that you are truly evil!" Hitsugaya said.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Mr. Whiskery laughed wickedly. "Yes, Toshiro, I am evil!"

"I knew it!"

"I sought to destroy your precious teeth, leaving you unable to chew! Then you would not be able to eat anything, and since the average Japanese diet includes a large percentage of seafood, _all the fish you didn't get to eat would be MINE!" _Mr. Whiskery said maniacally. "I would be the best-fed talking hallucinatory cat in all the land!"

"You fiend!" Hitsugaya proclaimed. "No longer shall I listen to your tainted advice!"

"It's too late! You're still trapped here!"

"Ah… but I have my _own _escape plan!" Hitsugaya said proudly. "I will free myself from the chains not by breaking _them_… but by shattering the walls they are anchored to! WITH MY HEAD!" Hitsugaya said, drawing his head as far forward as the chains would allow, and then slamming it backward into the wall with as much force as he could muster.

He then fell unconscious.

"Wow, that guy is crazy." Mr. Whiskery said. … Somehow.

* * *

"So, are we all clear on the new plan?" Momo said. The group was running through the labyrinthine halls of Las Noches.

"… 'Find Toshiro and set him free'?" Matsumoto said dryly.

"Look, I didn't say it was a _good _plan!" Momo said defensively. "I thought it up on the fly, you know!"

"We're… we're really leaving behind Yumichika to die?" Ikkaku said doubtfully. "I mean… getting killed in battle is one thing, but just leaving him like that…"

"Who's 'Yumichika'?" Yachiru wondered.

"Weirdo." Ikkaku informed her.

Her eyes widened, and tears began to fill them. "W-weirdo is going to die?! He can't die! Weirdo is my best friend! He… which one is he again?"

"Ayasegawa."

"No, not Ayasegawa! We have to go back and save him!" Yachiru wailed. "Hurry, everyone, turn left!"

"… Vice-captain, if you could just keep your mouth shut and follow behind the rest of us, that would be great." Ikkaku said. Then he dodged quickly to the left to avoid the inevitable head-bite.

"Don't worry, Weirdo isn't going to die." Matsumoto said confidently. "Gin was in charge of those Arrancar, and he likes to make them suffer first. He's probably undergoing horrific tortures…" Matsumoto began.

**Meanwhile…**

"Hmmmm… what's that?" Gin said, examining Yumichika's face. "Looks like a pimple."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Ayasegawa wailed.

"Oh, geez, are those split ends? Man, your hair is so dry and stringy. It looks awful."

"LIAR! LIAR AND MURDERER!"

"No, I'm serious. It's like straw or something, it's so dry and dessicated. Although I suppose it helps to take attention away from how bulbous and misshapen your nose is." Gin said.

"You... you monster..." Ayasegawa rasped, a bead of sweat running down his face, and a wild, haunted look in his eyes.

"I'm surprised you can see that I'm a monster, what with how puffy your eyes are."

"No... please... please stop..." Ayasegawa pleaded softly.

Gin smiled.

**Moving on…**

"… but he'll probably still be alive when we make our way out of the fortress," Matsumoto said confidently.

"Um… okay…" Ikkaku said doubtfully.

"Come on, people, hurry! The longer we take, the more likely it is those Arrancar outside will catch us before we can save Toshiro!" Momo said. "We can't let anything… get… in…" Momo said, coming to a dead stop, her eyes wide with shock.

"Well, this isn't good." Matsumoto said mildly.

There, in the hallway ahead of the group, covered in bandages, stood Sosuke Aizen. He had gotten up to get a glass of water (the medics were rather busy, so he'd decided to get it himself instead of waiting for them), and hadn't really been expecting to see anyone in the fortress, what with the alarm going off for an external threat. So it was that, upon seeing four Shinigami, including his former vice-captain, dressed as Arrancar and running freely down the halls of his fortress, he said, for the second time that day, the only thing that really came to mind.

"… huh?"


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note: I just want you all to know that the extremely lax update schedule is in no way connected to the fact that I got an X-Box 360 for Christmas. Not connected at **_**all.**_

**Seriously. Total coincidence. Not related at all.  
**

_**... Stop judging me!  
**_

**Chapter 22: The Horrifying Genius of Aizen**

"Well… hahaha! This is embarrassing!" Matsumoto said, in the tone of voice someone might use if they were an adult caught playing with dolls or something. Not, one would notice, the tone of voice that someone might typically be used if they were the enemy of a diabolical mastermind and had been caught trespassing by that same diabolical mastermind in the heart of his evil fortress. "Here we are, in your house, and we didn't even take our shoes off! How horrible of us."

"Captain… Aizen…?" Momo said in a very, very disquieting tone of voice, her eyes very wide.

_Oh, Hell. _Matsumoto thought. "Well, we'd better get going! I mean, we dropped by unannounced and all, and then we tracked sand all over your nice castle… VERY nice place by the way, are there any houses nearby open? I just love this neighborhood… yeah, we're just about the rudest guests ever! We'll get out of your hair now, you just enjoy your water, go take a nice long nap, don't mind us, we'll see ourselves out!" Matsumoto babbled, gathering up her 'team' as she did and not-so-subtly steering them towards the nearest door.

"… a-hem!" Aizen loudly cleared his throat, after watching this display for a few dumbfounded seconds.

The rescue team froze. Except Momo, who still looked disturbingly unaware of the world around her.

"What, exactly," Aizen said softly, "Are you doing in my castle?"

"… … … … … cheese delivery?" Matsumoto said hopefully.

Aizen sighed. "Cheese delivery." He said dryly, his tone indicating pretty clearly just what he thought of that excuse.

"Yeah… we… we might have some cheese." Ikkaku said in a slightly despondent tone. Realistically, he recognized that talking their way out of this wasn't exactly possible, but… well, it wasn't as though they had anything to lose.

"I don't see any cheese." Aizen commented.

"Oh, crap, we forgot the cheese! Well, damn! I guess we'll just have to go get some, sorry to bother you, see ya later!" Matsumoto said, once again ushering the group towards the door.

"… a-HEM!" Aizen loudly cleared his throat again.

The rescue team froze. Again.

"Doesn't he have a commanding presence?" Momo said to nobody in particular.

"You aren't here to sell cheese." Aizen said.

"… not really, no." Matsumoto admitted.

"You here to rescue Toshiro?"

"… if you wanted to be all 'strictly truthful', then yes, I suppose you could say that's why we're here." Matsumoto said.

"Uh-huh. You realize I'm not going to let you do that, right?"

"We… we sort of assumed that would be the case." Matsumoto said, wincing as she spoke.

"It's nothing personal. Well, it is sort of personal at this point, because Toshiro froze my fortress and maimed my Espada and generally just made a huge nuisance of himself. Yeah, I'm going to have to say that it is REALLY, **REALLY,**_** REALLY**_personal at this point. So no, I am not going to let you rescue him. I am going to let him rot in the dungeons until he starves to death, and then I am going to have that cell walled off so that nobody can ever go in there again and catch his insanity virus." Aizen said, his eyes strangely haunted.

"H-his what?" Matsumoto asked in confusion.

"Oh, don't act like you don't know what's going on, Matsumoto," Aizen hissed suddenly. "You act like a vapid moron, but I know that beneath that cheerleader exterior you have a mind like a rabid cobra."

"Can… can reptiles even catch rabies?" Matsumoto asked in even more confusion.

"In fact, I'd wager that it was all your idea in the first place." Aizen continued. "You inject Toshiro with Soul Society's latest bio-weapon and launch him into Hueco Mundo like a human bomb, hoping we'll cut him open and spread your insanity virus around the Arrancar! Suddenly, my whole army just starts slaughtering each other out of some psychotic need to test their strength, when before only like twenty or thirty of them slaughtered each other out of some psychotic need to test their strength! And only two of them were Espada! Oh, it was brilliant plan, Rangiku, but _not brilliant enough._"

"… thanks?" Matsumoto said in still more confusion.

"Yes, you should be thanking me. After all, who but I could have possibly deciphered the intricacies in your plan quickly enough to take Toshiro alive? Who but I could have had the combat skill to do so? Who, in short, could _appreciate_ your plan the way I do?" Aizen asked.

Momo sighed dreamily. "Thank him again, Rangiku. He just paid you a great compliment."

"… you see, this is why I wanted to leave you behind." Matsumoto chided her. "Um… look, Mr. Aizen, sir…" Matsumoto began.

"_Captain_ Aizen." Momo corrected her.

"… yeah, whatever, Captain Aizen, sure. Look, Captain Aizen, it's obvious my… brilliant scheme hasn't quite gone off as planned. So I should… I should take the human bomb back! Yes, that would be best! We need to scrap the project and destroy the evidence! Nothing to be done about it, I'll have to take Captain Hitsugaya back."

"No." Aizen replied.

_Damn his base cunning! _Matsumoto thought savagely. What she said was, "Well, okay, that's reasonable. … what if I told you that we were actually no longer working for Soul Society, and that when we rescued Captain Hitsugaya, we were going to take him with us to become free-roaming bandits?"

"I wouldn't believe you. Then, since your career in banditry doesn't benefit me in any way, I would kill you whether it was true or not." Aizen said mildly.

"… what I told you that we were here to join your army? I mean, Gin's an old pal of mine. We're like THIS." Matsumoto said, holding up her hands very close together to demonstrate how close she and Gin were.

"I wouldn't believe you. Then, since your aid wouldn't significantly affect my army in any way, I would kill you whether it was true or not." Aizen said mildly.

"Oh, come on, we would make AWESOME Arrancar!"

"Actually, they're 'Vizards' when they start out as Shinigami."

"We would make AWESOME Vizards! I mean, I'm totally hot, Momo is crazy, and Ikkaku can use bankai!"

"Shhhhhhh!" Ikkaku said.

"What?" Matsumoto asked irritably, turning back to look at him.

"I'm trying to keep that a secret, you twit!"

"Dude, everybody already knows. Zaraki is the only one who hasn't figured it out." Matsumoto said dismissively. "Well, Yachiru probably hasn't either, but that's not saying much."

"Well, then you shouldn't be saying it in front of her!" Ikkaku protested.

"She's not." Momo said dully.

"… eh?"

"Yachiru left awhile ago. She just sort of wandered off while Rangiku was talking to Captain Aizen."

"… and you didn't say anything because…?" Matsumoto asked.

"Well, Captain Aizen was talking. I didn't want to interrupt." Momo said earnestly.

"Maybe you people didn't notice? But I'm sort of about to kill you all. So if attention could be focused over here again…?" Aizen interjected.

Matsumoto let out a hollow laugh. "Wow, maybe you're not a genius after all. Are you not picking up what just happened? _Yachiru Kusajishi _is wandering _unsupervised_ through your _house_."

"… … … oh, Hell." Aizen groaned.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Las Noches…

_It's sort of beautiful, in a way. _Szyael Apollo Grantz thought dully. And indeed, in the way that a hurricane or perhaps a great fire might be considered 'beautiful', it was.

Actually, it would be considered beautiful in EXACTLY the way a great fire might be considered beautiful, because it was, in fact, a great fire. Unfortunately (for him) the great fire was in his laboratory.

"Now, I realize this is probably very difficult for you." Yachiru said consolingly. "But you have to think positively. Yes, your entire lab has burned down, all your specimens have either escaped or been destroyed, and years of delicate, painstaking research has been ruined. But the sad fact of the matter is that we may never know how this happened."

"You're holding a torch. And when I walked in you were waving it around and setting fire to the few things that weren't already burning. I don't know why you were doing that, or where you found the torch in the first place." Szayel said dully.

"That's one theory, and if that theory were true, you might argue that I was setting fire to your lab because I burned another, similar lab earlier and the chemicals made really pretty colors when they burned." Yachiru agreed. "But that's just one theory. Another theory is that I DIDN'T start the fire. Did you ever consider that theory? You need to consider all the theories."

"_You're still holding the torch._"

"Maybe I am. But maybe I'm _not_." Yachiru said, still holding the torch.

"You are! I can see it!"

"Again, that's just one theory. You need to look at the big picture, pinky."

"… Pinky?"

"Because you've got that weird pink hair!" Yachiru said cheerfully.

"… you have pink hair too."

Yachiru's eyes widened. "Wow, you're really smart!"

"… … … … … … … …" Szayel said.

"Is something wrong, pinky? You stopped talking."

"… … … … … … … …" Szayel said.

"Ooooooh, you must be thinking of knowledge! I'll leave you alone." Yachiru said wisely, nodding in agreement with her own wisdom. As she was leaving, she set her torch down gently (it was borrowed, after all. It wouldn't be polite to keep it, and Yachiru was a good girl. In her own mind.), starting another small fire. Not that it really mattered, with the huge fire already raging.

Szyael looked around the lab one more time. _Now, let's approach this logically. I could make an effort to save what little is left of my research. I could hunt down that small child and make her suffer for this. Or I could go curl up into a ball in the corner and cry. What should I do?_

It was about that point that the fire finished eating through the main support beams, extinguishing the fire… by causing the ceiling to collapse, smothering the flames and crushing basically the entire lab.

_… crying it is, then. _Szayel thought numbly, not even bothering to dig himself out.

* * *

Breaking out of prison was easy. Staying hidden, less so.

"Man, the Stealth Forces are all over the place." Ukitake said sadly. The three escapees were hiding in a small alley near the prison. Luckily, the ninjas of the intelligence corps were not actually terribly good at gathering intelligence, and so far missed the escape of the three most dangerous prisoners in the Soul Society.

Well, 'escaped' may have been too strong a term, considering that they had basically just opened the door and walked out. In her haste to find new, more interesting prisoners to accuse of treason, Soi Fon had forgotten to lock the cell.

"We can handle these small fries, no problem, even without our zanpakuto. But if we make a big scene, Captain Crazy Ninja Bitch will be here before you know it. We need to find some way to stay under the radar until we get our swords back." Kyoraku said.

"Impossible. We're three of the most well-known faces in Soul Society," Yamamoto said dismissively. "And, as you said before, the Stealth Forces are everywhere. It's unlikely that we could avoid being spotted by their patrols no matter how well we stay to the shadows."

"So we need disguises, then." Ukitake reasoned.

"All right! Jushiro, there are plenty of houses around here, I need you to find some women's clothing." Kyoraku said.

"… Shunsui, I'm not going to wear women's clothing."

"I never said you were."

"Then why do we need it?!"

"… no reason."

"Shunsui, I want you to promise me… look me in the eye and PROMISE me… that we are not going to disguise ourselves by wearing women's clothing."

"Very well. I promise that we will not be wearing women's clothing." Kyoraku promised.

Five Minutes Later…

"I hate you Shunsui. I hate you so damn much." Ukitake growled from within his women's kimono and veil.

"What? I promised you that _we _wouldn't be in women's clothing, and _we _aren't. You are." Kyoraku said cheerfully. "You're the only one feminine enough to pull it off, after all."

"I hate you."

"I don't see your problem, you know. This is the perfect cover; a young couple and their old father."

"You're going to die for this. Slowly. Horribly."

"Nobody will ever suspect us."

"You and Captain Yamamoto are just wearing different kimonos! People will recognize you in a second!"

"Nonsense. I'm not wearing pink at all! Nobody will know it's me."

"Shunsui, you're not even wearing a hat or anything. They'll clearly know it's you!"

"But that's where you come in! You see, everyone knows that I only hang around beautiful women, right? So if they see me with you, they'll automatically assume that I'm not, in fact, Shunsui Kyoraku! I mean, let's face it, Shunsui Kyoraku wouldn't be caught dead hanging around a woman as… well, mannish as you. And clearly Captain Yamamoto wouldn't hang out with anyone if it wasn't the two of us, so they'll assume he's someone different too!" Kyoraku explained cheerfully.

"Yeah, you're dead for this one. D. E. A. D."

"Jushiro. You knew, when Shunsui told you look for women's clothing, that you would end up wearing it. You may lie to yourself and say you didn't, but deep in your heart you _knew. _So there is truly no point in getting angry about it now, when it was something you clearly knew was going to happen."

"… I... I know that. I know. But... sir, _women's clothing_."

Yamamoto patted Ukitake on the back. "Yes, I know it's hard, child. But we must all make sacrifices."

"But why is it always _me _that has to sacrifice?! I mean, is the tuberculosis not enough?! Why does my life have to suck in every OTHER way too?!"

Yamamoto considered this for a second. "How's this? If this plan doesn't work, we can murder Shunsui together. Would that make you feel better?"

"I... I... yes, thank you, sir. That would be nice." Ukitake said, smiling beatifically.

"… wait, what?" Kyoraku said.

* * *

"How long do you think we have?" Matsumoto asked Ikkaku as they ran through the halls of Las Noches.

"That depends. On the one hand, Yachiru can cause distractions like no other. Under normal circumstances, in a place this large with so many breakable things, I'd say she could keep anyone distracted for hours." Ikkaku said.

_**Elsewhere…**_

"Szayel, stop crying." Aizen said.

"Waaaaaah! It's gone! It's all gone!" Szayel sobbed.

"I'm serious. Stop it."

"She ruined everything! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Yes, I know. You've said that. Five times. What I need to know is where she went after she ruined everything." Aizen said impatiently.

"Probably back to Hell, where she came from!" Szayel moaned. "After she brought the fires of Hades to destroy my dreeeeams! WAAAAAAAH!"

"Szayel! Maybe you didn't notice, but the entire laboratory wing of the castle collapsed. Frankly, we're running out of castle at this point. It is vitally important that I find Yachiru Kusajishi before she gets into anything ELSE explosive. Now listen to me, very, very carefully. It is incredibly difficult to conduct scientific experiments if you don't have a head. If you don't calm down and tell me what I want to know? I'm going to start chopping things. You will be among those things. Do you understand?"

Szayel Apollo Grantz took a deep breath. "Of course. Yes, sir. Let's see… after she… completely obliterated my life's work… she… left."

"I. Know. That!" Aizen growled. "Where did she go?!"

"Um… I'm not entirely sure… what with the whole… ceiling falling down on me. But I can guess…"

"Okay, what's your best estimate?"

"Well, if I really had to guess, based on what I know of her… I'd say…" Szayel began.

"Yes?"

"That she went back into the _depths of my nightmares!" _Szayel whimpered, his calm façade breaking down. He began to softly rock back and forth with a haunted expression

"Dammit, Szayel…"

_**Back to the heroes…**_

"On the other hand, I've got to assume that at some point, Aizen is just going to cut his losses and come to kill us again. And we're sorta slowed down." Ikkaku said with a meaningful glance at Momo, who didn't seem to be in any particular hurry, nor especially notice that Matsumoto was literally dragging her along.

"Why yes, Captain Aizen, I would love some tea." Momo said cheerfully.

"He didn't offer us any tea, Momo. Also? He's not here." Matsumoto said patiently.

"Of course he offered us tea. He's a polite host, and polite hosts always offer tea." Momo said happily, her eyes very distinctly unfocussed.

"Well, I suppose he did offer us 'death', and you can't spell death without 't', 'e', and 'a'. Still, not exactly the same thing… although he was very polite about it, I'll admit." Matsumoto said soothingly.

"Wasn't he, though?" Momo sighed.

"Momo? Next time I tell you you're not coming somewhere? You're NOT COMING."

"But Captain Aizen said I could!"

"… of course he did, Momo. Of course he did."

"So, are we going to start looking for Captain Hitsugaya, now? Because I haven't seen anything that looks like a dungeon so far." Ikkaku said.

"Um… I don't think Hollows are that big on taking prisoners under normal circumstances, so there probably isn't a 'dungeon', per se. We should probably just check rooms at random."

"Uh huh. And if we run into any Arrancar?"  
"Then I talk our way out of it." Matsumoto said confidently.

"Uh huh. And when that fails miserably?"

"… shut up."

"No, I'm seriously asking. What do we do if your complete inability to convincingly lie gets us into a huge fight?"

"It won't! I'm totally sneaky!"

"Okay, then. On the 'off-chance' that your plan totally freakin' fails, what are we going to do?"

"Hey!"

"What? I said 'on the off-chance'. That means I _don't_ think that your 'plan' is going to horribly, horribly backfire and get us into a hopeless battle we can't possibly win." Ikkaku prodded.

"Look, I thought fighting was your whole schtick! I'm sure if we really do get into a fight, you can just smash your head into the problem until you reach something that resembles a solution." Matsumoto said irritably.

"I don't like that you just assume that I'm just going to fight a huge, bloody battle to the death just to help you."

"No, I'm assuming you're going to fight a huge, bloody battle to the death because you enjoy huge, bloody battles to the death."

"… okay. As long as we're clear on that," Ikkaku said in a satisfied tone. Stopping at a door that looked promising, he opened it and looked inside. "Captain Hitsugaya isn't in here."

Matsumoto gave him a look that screamed 'pity'. "Well, of course not. There are hundreds of rooms in this place. You're not going to find him in the first one you look in. Only a complete moron would open a door in here and _expect _to find anything they were looking for! This building is a labyrinth! The size of a small city! We could be hunting for Captain Hitsugaya for days! Weeks! We may _never _find him!"

Ikkaku opened the door right next to the one he'd just opened. "Oh, here he is."

"… … oh, shut up." Matsumoto growled.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23: The Great Escape(s)**

"Captain Hitsugaya?" Matsumoto said, prodding the figure chained to the wall. It certainly _looked _rather like Captain Hitsugaya, in general shape and such, but honestly it was so covered in (other people's) blood that it was hard to be sure. "You awake?"

"AVAUNT, CAT!" Hitsugaya suddenly roared, straining against his chains. "No more will your poisoned words foul my ears! Victory shall be mine and mine alone!"

"… cat?" Matsumoto asked in sincere confusion. She looked around, but didn't see anything she would call a cat. Some chains, some dust, some loose rocks, but nothing feline. "Sir, I'm not seeing the cat."

"Oh, you _would _say that! But I know you just want my sushi!" Hitsugaya snapped, staring at a point in space about three feet to Matsumoto's left.

"Wow. You know, I don't say this often, but… he's out of his damn mind." Ikkaku said.

"Sir? I need you to calm down and listen to me. There is no sushi. But I can promise you that if there were some sushi, nobody would be trying to take it from you." Matsumoto said soothingly.

"… nobody… nobody will take the sushi?" Hitsugaya said, seemingly struggling to focus on the world around him.

"Nobody will take it." Matsumoto said.

"Re-really?"

"I might." Ikkaku said.

"YEAAAAARGHABLE!" Hitsugaya roared, once again straining uselessly against his bonds.

Matsumoto, mouth agape, turned to stare at Ikkaku in stunned silence. After several seconds of this, she said, simply, "… WHY?!"

"I like sushi." Ikkaku said.

"_There is no sushi_, you _MORON_!" Matsumoto hissed. "I was just trying to calm him down! Now what the hell are we going to do?!"

"There's no sushi? No… no! Aizen and Mr. Whiskery must have joined forces to claim it!" Hitsugaya said in a panicked tone. After staring at the air and listening to silence for several seconds, he said, "SO! You admit to it! I never guessed the depths of your treachery until this very moment! Know this, cat… when I am free, you shall be the first to fall beneath my blade!"

"… Momo, could you give me a hand here?" Matsumoto asked, somewhat at a loss.

"I hope Captain Aizen enjoys his sushi. Were you aware he's an excellent chef?" Momo said dreamily.

"Dammit, Momo…"

* * *

"No need to be so shy, my darling wife! After all, these ninja aren't looking for us!" Kyoraku said loudly.

"Shunsui, would you stop going out of your way to be noticed?! We're trying to keep a low profile!" Ukitake, still looking quite fetching in a women's kimono, hissed.

"Hey! Don't talk back to me like that, woman! I'm your husband, and you'll do as I say!" Kyoraku shouted unnecessarily loudly. "Hee, isn't this great?! Everyone knows Shunsui Kyoraku is a perfect gentleman, so they'll all assume I'm not him! It's the perfect disguise!" He continued, dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

"I still hate you." Ukitake grumbled. "And I just want to go on the record as saying this plan can't possibly work."

As he spoke, two Stealth Forces ninja looked down on the strolling group from the buildings above. "That's… that's Captains Yamamoto, Ukitake, and Kyoraku, isn't it? I mean, it looks just like them." The first ninja said.

"Are you stupid or something? That's clearly a woman. How could it be Ukitake?" the second ninja replied.

"… well, to me it looks more like a man wearing women's clothing…"

"Well, if it were a man, Shunsui Kyoraku wouldn't be married to him, so it must be a woman!"

"… then that IS Captain Kyoraku?"

"Of course not! Captain Kyoraku isn't married!"

"But then your last point doesn't make any sense."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, if that's not Captain Kyoraku, then whoever it is _might _be married to a man, which means that woman might be Captain Ukitake."

"Of course not! Captain Ukitake wouldn't marry some random guy! He'd marry Captain Kyoraku!"

"… … … … … … he would?"

"The fangirls seem to think so. But my point is that Captain Kyoraku wouldn't marry a man, and Captain Ukitake wouldn't dress up like a woman to marry anyone but Captain Kyoraku… maybe! So clearly, that can't be either one of them!"

"I'm… I'm not sure that's logical."

"We're ninjas! Our logic doesn't have to be logical!"

"I… I suppose..." the first ninja said doubtfully.

"You _ninja _suppose!" the second ninja said proudly.

"… … … …"

"_Ninja!"_

"… … …"

"_Nin-"_

"All right, fine, it's logical! But what about that old guy?! That's clearly Captain-Commander Yamamoto!" the first ninja said in a slightly desperate tone.

"Oh, please. Everyone knows Yamamoto's beard is like, a quarter-inch longer than that." The second ninja said dismissively. "Now come on, we need to keep patrolling or Captain Soi Fon will hurt us."

As the two ninja leapt away across the rooftops, Kyoraku smirked in satisfaction.

Ukitake sighed. "All right, fine, your idea worked. But let's face it, saying you outsmarted the Stealth Forces is a little bit like saying you've managed to outmaneuver a particularly clever salad."

"You're just bitter. You should be happier! I mean, not every bride gets a handsome husband like me!" Kyoraku said cheerfully.

"… Captain Yamamoto, sir? I know you said we'd only murder Shunsui if his plan doesn't work, but…"

"Well," Yamamoto said thoughtfully, "We shouldn't kill him if he succeeds."

"But sir…"

"Oh, don't worry. We can still bestow a savage beating upon him no matter what happens . Will that make you feel better?" Yamamoto said consolingly.

"You know, I think it will. Thank you, sir." Ukitake said, smiling happily.

"… … … … you two are mean." Kyoraku said.

The three escapees continued making progress, slowed only a few times when they were spotted by ninjas, all of whom held brief discussions of questionable logical validity before agreeing that the three couldn't possibly be who they very obviously were.

Their progress continued until they reached the center of the Seireitei's military presences (formerly the Captain's meeting hall, now hastily re-titled Brand New Stealth Force Headquarters) and approached the front gates. They then opened the door.

Nobody tried to stop them.

"… wow. The intelligence division kinda sucks, don't they?" Kyoraku commented.

"Don't lower your guard. They aren't the dangerous ones." Ukitake hissed. "We need to find our zanpakuto before Soi Fon notices us."

"Indeed… where is she?" Kyoraku said. "I really don't want to end up in that cell again… assuming she doesn't just beat us to death. Beat us to death with her great legs. And her lithe, nimble body… you know, she'd look great in glasses…"

Ukitake smacked him across the back of the head.

"OUCH! Thank you, I needed that. It's just that seeing you dressed up like that has made me want to spend time with women who _aren't _ugly. It'll pass as soon as you stop looking like some kind of bizarre lumberjack/ballerina hybrid."

"That beating is only getting worse, Shunsui." Ukitake growled.

"IDIOTS!" Soi Fon roared.

Instantly, all three men went for their swords. Shortly after 'instantly', all three men remembered that they were not, in fact, wearing their swords, and dropped into hand-to-hand combat stances. A little bit longer after 'instantly' they realized that Soi Fon had actually been yelling at someone else, in another room, and wasn't actually anywhere near them.

"… okay, if anyone asks, we absolutely did _not _fall into a gibbering panic at the thought of facing a girl who is, at best, half the size of the smallest one of us. You both okay with that?" Kyoraku said.

"Agreed," Yamamoto and Ukitake said in unison.

"All right, now that we've decided to rewrite the past, what is she screaming about?"

"She probably found out that we escaped from our cell. She's just furious with her guards for not keeping a closer eye on us." Ukitake theorized.

**MEANWHILE…**

**"**IDIOTS!" Soi Fon roared. "What is this?!"

"It's… it's a statue of Lady Yoruichi. Like you said you wanted, Captain-Commander Soi Fon?" Hanataro Yamada said, openly terrified. He was not entirely sure why he, out of everyone in the Seireitei, had been appointed as Soi Fon's personal assistant… he assumed it was some combination of the fact that the universe hated him and the fact that she'd had her vice-captain arrested for treason. _Still, couldn't she have chosen someone from her own division to do this? I mean, I appreciate the promotion, but she's a very mean lady and I don't like working for her. And that's not even considering how Captain Unohana will react when she regains consciousness and finds out I've changed divisions while she was sleeping… _he thought sadly.

"It is. It certainly is." Soi Fon said icily. "However, it _appears_ to be a ten-foot tall, silver statue of Lady Yoruichi."

Hanataro looked closely at the statue. It did indeed appear to be a ten-foot tall silver statue of Yoruichi, dressed in a toga reminiscent of something a sculpture of a Greek goddess might be wearing. "… yes. I think it is."

"I thought so." Soi Fon said, her tone firmly indicating that there was a major problem with this development, and strongly hinting that Hanataro should already know what this problem was.

"Is… is that bad?"

"I'm glad you asked. You see, I look upon this ten-foot tall, silver statue of Lady Yoruichi… and can't help but think that I requested… no, DEMANDED… a _twenty-foot _tall _golden _statue of Lady Yoruichi. If Lady Yoruichi is going to accept my upcoming offer to return to Soul Society and reign over it as our immortal Queen, then I must properly decorate it. This means I must fill the Seireitei with idols that properly demonstrate Milady's magnificence. A 20-foot tall golden statue is a fairly accurate depiction of how deeply and truly I admire her.

"On the other hand, this… thing…" Soi Fon continued in disgust, looking at the elaborate sculpture as though it were something she might scrape off the bottom of her sandals, "Is nothing. A pale, pathetic _shadow _of Milady's grand presence. She will NEVER rule the Soul Society with an iron fist if the only things we have offer her are such pitiful monuments! Can you tell me, Hamtaro," asked Soi Fon (who, by the way, had not quite committed her new assistant's name to memory just yet), "Why I am not looking at the statue I demanded?"

"Well… I… um… didn't actually _make _the statue, ma'am. I just unpacked it when the shippers dropped it off. So I don't… actually know why it's not the right statue. Ma'am." Hanataro said nervously.

"Hamtaro, I have made you my assistant. This is a position of dignity and honor. And in exchange for this honor, I expect you to perform to _perfection_. How is it, then, that you don't know the answer to this fairly simple question?"

"Well, it's just… the statue only arrived at the service entrance about ten minutes ago, so I only just got it unpacked…"

"Did I ask for excuses, Hamtaro?"

"No, ma'am, but…"

"Did I ask you why my statue is _wrong,_ Hamtaro?"

"Yes, ma'am, but…"

"And why haven't you answered that question, Hamtaro?"

"Because I don't know the answer, ma'am, but…"

"Why shouldn't I kill you, Hamtaro?"

"… what?"

"Why shouldn't I kill you? You got me the wrong statue. Explain to me what reasons I should have for letting you live after this failure. Enlighten me." Soi Fon said in a conversational tone.

"W-w-w-well… for starters, I didn't, um, actually _get you_ this statue…"

"Incidental. You are my assistant. As such, you should have anticipated this problem and taken action to enforce my will. Next?"

"Um… well… oh, God, I need a reason, I need… wait! I've got one!" Hanataro babbled, his panic understandably growing. "It's only been like, ten minutes. If you let me live, I could still go get you the right statue?"

"No. No, you couldn't. The statue will never be 'right'. This failure has stained the very _concept _of 'statue' forevermore." Soi Fon said.

_What?! _Hanataro thought. What he said was, "I don't know, I think it's a nice statue…"

"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi." Soi Fon said.

"… but apparently you disagree." Hanataro said dully.

"That I do." Soi Fon said, taking a meaningful step towards Hanataro, her zanpakuto's small released form ready to do some truly awful things to him.

_Ah. Well. It was a nice life. Maybe, when I'm reincarnated, I'll have a nice, simple life on Earth. Yeah, that'll be nice. _Hanataro thought, a strange sense of peace filling his heart. He closed his eyes, and waited for the end.

… _no. No. NO! _Hanataro thought. _It will NOT end like this! I refuse to allow it! I haven't gotten to do anything even remotely cool for years! Well, now the pressure's on, and none of the major characters are here, and it's HANATARO'S time to shine! _His reiatsu began to glow around him, reacting to his sudden burst in resolve. The cheesy 80's music began to play in the background. "I," Hanataro said bravely, "Think this statue is _better _than your statue!"

"… what?" Soi Fon asked in a very, very dangerous tone.

"_Iiiiiif you wanna see some action_…" The cheesy 80's music said in a considerably less dangerous tone.

"Lady Yoruichi Shihouin. I've read her medical reports, including a full psychological profile. And I know she doesn't like standing on ceremony, and all that pomp and circumstance! She would prefer a smaller, more elegant tribute over a big, gaudy showpiece! Therefore, she would greatly prefer this small, understated statue!" Hanataro proclaimed grandly, choosing to ignore the fact that the current statue was about as 'small' and 'understated' as a rampaging elephant.

Soi Fon stopped. She stared at Hanataro for a few long, quiet seconds (quiet except for the blaring theme music in the background). "You," she said, menace in her voice, "Pass."

"… huh?"

"This was a test, Hamtaro. I, more than anyone, know of Lady Yoruichi's preference for the elegant. The sophisticated. She is not some strumpet to be coerced with gaudy trappings, but a lady of nobility and class. Had you not proven capable of recognizing that… well…" She said, waggling her fingers meaningfully to show off her zanpakuto. "But you have demonstrated an understanding of Lady Yoruichi second only to my own. Truly, you are worthy to be my primary servant."

"… hooray?"

**Meanwhile…**

_**"**_Yeah, she's definitely worried about us." Ukitake said firmly.

"Totally." Kyoraku agreed.

"We should find our swords before she finds us, then." Yamamoto said.

"Yes. Since she's definitely hunting for us."

"Totally."

"We're a threat, you know."

"Oh, we're a huge threat."

"We're definitely not so insignificant that she hasn't even noticed we escaped from prison."

"We are _not _that insignificant. The fact that she caught us effortlessly earlier is in no way an indication that we are."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Let's… let's go." Ukitake said softly, all three of them now a little depressed.

* * *

"That doesn't seem to be working." Ikkaku commented.

Matsumoto, pulling back her arm to smack Hitsugaya in the face for the fifteenth time, "Well, what else am I supposed to do?! He won't listen to me when I talk, Momo is useless, and when I ask you to give me advice you just tell me to trust my instincts! Well, my instincts are telling me that I'm incredibly annoyed by his insane babbling, and I'm gonna smack him until he starts being normal again!"

"You'll never best me! I am the ultimate warrior!" Hitsugaya snapped. Matsumoto slapped him across the face as hard as she could.

"HA! I barely feel your feeble blows!" Hitsugaya cackled madly. Matsumoto slapped him across the face as hard as she could. Again.

"Go on! Give it your best shot! A fight isn't worth it if my opponent isn't powerful!" Hitsugaya snapped. Matsumoto slapped him across the face as hard as she could. _Again_.

Matsumoto took several deep breaths. "Okay… this is starting to get kind of exhausting."

"HA! I knew you were too weak!"

"Momo. Seriously. You're his best friend. What do I do?!"

"Did you say something, Captain Aizen?" Momo replied, looking at Matsumoto. Whether or not she was _seeing _Matsumoto was debatable, but she was definitely looking in her general direction.

"Dammit, Momo!" Matsumoto said in supreme frustration. "From now on, when you need psychological counseling, you GO TO IT!"

"Look, you're his vice-captain, right? So you should know what it will take to get him to take notice, right? You should know him just as well as Momo, if not better." Ikkaku interjected.

_Hmmm… he kind of has a point. I need to think about Captain Hitsugaya. All the years we've spent going into combat, side-by-side, has enabled me to develop an intimate understanding of his personality. Now I just need to think. _Matsumoto plumbed her brain, thinking of the time she'd spent with her Captain, his personality and his quirks, and anything she might know that could help him recover his mind.

She smiled. It was not a pleasant smile.

"I think I have an idea. But we're going to need to find some supplies, first …"

**Shortly…**

Toshiro Hitsugaya looked at the desk in extreme distrust. "What," he asked, "Is the meaning of this?! Your attempts to intimidate me with office furniture shall not avail you! I fear neither desk nor lamp!"

"Hmmm? No, I'm not going to hurt you with the desk. I'm just going to put some paperwork on it." Matsumoto said cheerfully.

"I… I suppose that makes sense. Although paperwork is really just a waste of time. You should just focus on battle…"

"Really? That's a shame, because you don't get released from prison until the paperwork is completed."

"What?! Then do it! I want to get out of here!" Hitsugaya pleaded.

"Hmmm… well, okay." Matsumoto said. Then she went over to the couch and fell asleep.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

Matsumoto ignored him.

_She… she's just taking a nap! There's this important paperwork to do, and she's just taking a nap?! How could she?! Doesn't she know how important this is?! _Hitsugaya thought. _God, that's so like her! Slacking off just like always!_

_… just… like… always?_

Hitsugaya furrowed his brow in confusion. _This is… has this happened before? No, it can't be. It's not… why would I care about paperwork? I've never cared about it in the past… I… _

_**Wait, no, of course I have**__! _Hitsugaya thought… then stopped for a second, his eyes widening. Had his inner dialogue just changed its tone suddenly in mid-thought?

_I don't understand. Office work is pointless and bloodless and boring. _

_**But if don't do it, the division's efficiency rating will go down. I'm the youngest Captain, if my performance records aren't exemplary, the others will look down on me. **_

_Who cares about that?! I'm a warrior! The opinions of others are meaningless! _

_**Where the Hell do you get off lecturing me? You talk to imaginary cats! Why should I trust your opinion on anything? **_

_Mr. Whiskery may be a tad bit sinister, yes, but he is full of feline wisdom! _

_**He's a cat. An imaginary cat. And you're a complete psychopath. **_

_How dare you question my sanity! My SANITY defeated Aizen himself! _

_**If you defeated him, why are you chained to a wall? **_

_I'm not! _

… … … _**I'm not even going to dignify that one with a response. **_

_Ha! Victory! VERBAL victory! _

_**Saying something so stupid that nobody can think of a response does NOT count as winning the debate.**_

_Of course it does! _

_**So you're admitting you're stupid, then? **_

_I don't… think so? I'm not sure? … … … let's fight! _

_**We can't fight. **_

_Why not? _

_**You're not real. You're just an aspect of my subconscious that was released due to too many traumatic experiences over a short time period. **_

_I am NOTHING like you! _

_**Oh, no? Well, take a look at Matsumoto taking a nap on the couch there. She didn't do ANY of that paperwork. And you know what? She isn't going to do any of it. Ever. She might SAY she's going to, but she won't. Not really. She's gonna make YOU do all of it. Every. Last. Page. **_

_But… but… that's not fair! _

_**No, it isn't. How does that make you feel? **_

_It… it makes me angry! ___

_**Yes. It makes me angry too. **_

_It does? _

_**Incredibly. And she'll never stop. But that's okay, because… um… well… there's probably some reason why we tolerate her. **_

_Is it her breasts? We probably tolerate her because of her breasts. _

_**NO! God, what section of my subconscious are you?! … And why am I asking you? You don't know. **_

_I might! _

_**Do you? **_

_No. But you shouldn't just assume I don't. _

_**That's… that's actually a pretty good point. **_

_I sometimes make good points. _

_**No, you don't. You rush headlong into crap without thinking. **_

_Hey, so do you! Does 'Die, Aizen' sound familiar? That stab hurt! _

_**HA! Yeah, it sure didn't feel too great, that's for sure! Still, I gotta admit the thrill was kinda fun. And man, if anyone deserved to die it was that jerkass. **_

_He still deserves to die, trust me. But I don't think we're gonna be doing that anytime soon. _

_**Yeah, you're probably right. **_

_So, you were probably paying closer attention than me… at what point did this shift from the two portions of our subconscious conversing to just me talking to myself? _

_**I'm not sure. But we should probably stop. People might think we're CRAZY.**_

_No. No, __**I **__should probably stop. _Hitsugaya… the real Hitsugaya… thought. Opening his eyes with a slight smile on his face, he said, "So… Matsumoto…"

"Yes, sir?" Matsumoto, still on the couch, said. Hitsugaya didn't have to see her face to know she was smiling.

"Where, exactly, did you get this furniture from? And how did you get it into my cell?"

"I… um… you know, I'm not entirely sure. I suppose Aizen must have a clerk or something, because I clearly got a desk from _somewhere_." Matsumoto said, sounding genuinely mystified. "I knew I needed something to snap you back to your real personality, and playing on your frustration seemed like a good option, so I needed a desk, some papers, and a couch to sleep on, but… well, you know, sometimes, when I get really _into _a plan, events just sort of blur together."

"You sure you're not just naturally blurry?"

"Oooh, sure. I go to all this trouble to save you, and you start _insulting _me. That's really nice."  
"Well, it's not my fault you make it easy. Besides, have you considered that maybe these freakin' manacles are making me a little grouchy?"

"Are you sure you're not just naturally grouchy?" Matsumoto said, mocking his earlier tone.

"Oh, ha ha. You know, I could have you replaced. It wouldn't even be hard. I bet Captain Kyoraku would be willing to trade vice-captains."

"Nah, he digs girls with glasses." Matsumoto said dismissively, unhooking Hitsugaya's manacles. "And besides, you don't really want me gone. I'm too awesome! Look, I even found your sword!"

"They left it in the room with me. They were too afraid to hold on to it." Hitsugaya said dryly.

"… hey, I didn't say finding your sword was HARD. Just that I did it." Matsumoto pointed out.

"Right. Where's the rest of your team? Nothing personal, but I'd like to get the Hell out of here."

"Seconded!" Matsumoto agreed enthusiastically. "Come on, they're right outside!"

The Captain and vice-Captain opened the door to see Momo and Ikkaku waiting in the hall outside the cell. That was good.

Unfortunately, they weren't waiting alone.

"Hi!" Gin said cheerfully. "Captain Aizen is indisposed at the moment, so we decided to get some people together and throw a welcoming party for the guests. Don't worry, we just got here a few seconds ago, so you haven't missed anything," he continued, smirking; a decidedly wicked expression, and one that was mirrored on the face of Grimmjow. And Nnoitra. And Yammy. And…


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24: Shinigami are Jerks.**

"… 5th seat Ayasegawa. I realize that you are a member of Zaraki's squad, and therefore asking you what you are doing is almost guaranteed to inspire an answer that will make me regret asking. And yet, I must inquire: _what are you doing_?!" Hitsugaya asked.

"No longer am I Ayasegawa! Rather, I am Desklamp Panzermeister, mighty Arrancar warrior, here to slay the Shinigami spies for Lord Aizen!" Ayasegawa said proudly.

"And what do you know? I regret asking." Hitsugaya said sadly. "How did this happen, people?"

"I shattered his mind with brutal psychological tortures," Gin said proudly. "He thinks he's my minion now."

"You only had him for like, twenty minutes!" Matsumoto said.

"He didn't have a whole lot of mind to shatter." Gin admitted. "And if I had to pick a material to represent his mind, it would be one of those fragile, handmade glass sculptures. Honestly, it might have been the single most breakable mind I've ever shattered."

Matsumoto turned to cast her best death glare on Ikkaku. "Just so you know? I blame _you _for this."

"Why me?!"

"He was your friend! You're the one who got him involved in the Shinigami! If it weren't for you, maybe we would have brought someone useful along on this doom quest!"

"He's very useful! … Usually!" Ikkaku protested weakly.

Hitsugaya sighed, and rubbed his head to fight off his old friend the migraine. "Not that this isn't a truly enticing conversation, but I'm forced to notice that we're surrounded by quite a lot of Arrancar."

"Well… um… that is a lot of Arrancar." Matsumoto said, looking at the small army Gin had chosen to bring with him, which consisted of at least twenty white-clad soul-eating death monsters, including rather more Espada than she was comfortable with.

"It is more than the usual amount of Arrancar." Hitsugaya agreed. "I realize that I probably don't want to know the answer to this, but how did they all get down here without you noticing and calling an alarm?" He asked Ikkaku.

"Hey, blame her!" Ikkaku said, pointing at Momo, who didn't seem to have noticed Gin's Army of Doom, and was just continuing to babble on to nobody in particular. "She makes it kinda hard to hear anything, you know. On the other hand, I now have a pretty good idea of how great Aizen is… which is not, y'know, _anything I wanted to hear about_, but I suppose it could possibly be useful someday."

"Why Toshiro, I just noticed something!" Gin said.

"That you don't have any friends?" Hitsugaya asked him.

"… That's mean, Toshiro. And I do so have friends!" Gin protested. "Right, guys?" he asked the assembled Arrancar.

They all looked like they were trying very hard to look anywhere but at Gin.

"_Anyway, _before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to point out that it appears you're healthy again! How nice!" Gin said happily.

"Oh. Well. Yes, I suppose that's nice. Thanks for pointing it out." Hitsugaya said.

"Nice for us, I mean. That means we can kill you with impunity now. It's good to know."

"Okay, that's not as nice."

"Right then, everyone, on to the killing!" Gin said cheerfully, drawing his sword.

Halibel raised a hand. "Must we…?"

Gin sighed. "Yes, Halibel. I realize this may be hard for you to comprehend, but the destruction of our mortal enemies who have pierced straight to the heart of our fortress actually takes precedence over your stupid little crush." He said dryly.

"… It's not _little_." Halibel said dreamily. She waved at Hitsugaya and winked.

He wasn't sure if he should be flattered or terrified, so he decided to split the difference by blushing and shuddering at the same time.

"Trust me," Gin said, apparently understanding Hitsugaya's reaction, "You want to stick to 'scared' on this one."

"You sure? I mean, yeah, she's an Arrancar, yes, but she's kind of pretty…" Hitsugaya said.

"_Scared._" Gin repeated.

"Look, it can't really…"

"_**SCARED.**_" Gin said in a distinctly haunted tone.

"Well, all right, I suppose you'd know…" Hitsugaya said doubtfully.

"Not that your love life isn't just completely fascinating," Matsumoto said coldly, "But we're on the verge of death, in case you forgot."

"Jealous, Rangiku?" Gin asked mockingly.

"HA! Of a little twerp like him?! Please, the day I'm jealous of a toddler is the day I hang up my zanpakuto and devote my life to basket-weaving."

"Sure, I mean, just because little Toshiro has a more active love life than you, even though he's about a quarter your age…" Gin said, letting his voice trail off.

"He… he does not…" Matsumoto said doubtfully.

"Hmmmm? Well… little Momo over there, Halibel here certainly seems fond of him... and let's face it, _you _hang on his every word…"

"I do _not_! I just lie about it to discomfort him!" Matsumoto protested.

"Aw, are you blushing?"

"I'm angry!"

"You just keep telling yourself that, dear. And in the meantime, he'll have moved on to his latest conquest… Yachiru, right?"

"What the… how the _HELL _did an unfounded rumor from _Soul Society _get to _Hueco Mundo?!" _Hitsugaya protested.

Gin smiled even more wickedly than before, and pointed.

Straight.

At.

Matsumoto.

Hitsugaya, following the finger, turned to stare at his vice-captain, cold murder in his eyes.

"Um… heh, heh, heh… I _may _have kept Gin as a pen pal, and still send him a butterfly every now and again. Just like, a little bit…" Matsumoto said nervously.

"Oh, of course." Hitsugaya growled. "Just a _little _bit of treason."

"Not treason! I haven't given him any, like, real _secrets_ or anything _important!_" Matsumoto said, holding her hands up defensively.

"It's true. She never shares any information that could be used to harm the Soul Society. She just tells me embarrassing rumors about you." Gin said cheerfully.

"Rangiku…" Hitsugaya growled, going for his sword.

"I haven't told him all of them, though!" Matsumoto protested. "I mean, I wouldn't tell him the _really _embarrassing ones, like the one where half the Soul Society thinks you're in a homosexual relationship with Captain Zaraki!"

"She's right." Gin said, clearly struggling not to laugh. "I hadn't heard _that _one!"

"Ran… Gi… ku…" Hitsugaya snarled, his eyes beginning to twitch in that old familiar way.

"Toshiro prefers men." Momo said mildly, if a bit… out of touch. "I assume it has something to do with his deep love for Captain Aizen. Oh, I should try to set them up on a date while I'm here!"

"Oh, my, moving in on Captain Aizen now? That makes what, five? Six? No wonder they call you…" Gin said, going in for the kill.

Matsumoto's eyes widened. "NO!"

"… Hitsu-playa!"

Hitsugaya, his gaze colder and more terrifying than the depths of Hueco Mundo… quite literally, as anyone there could have just looked out the window to see said depths, and they had _nothing _on him… drew his sword.

Matsumoto squeaked in terror.

All the Arrancar in the room curled up into fetal positions and began to whimper. Well, except for Halibel, whose eyes began to glimmer like an overjoyed fangirl… which, in a sense, she was.

Hitsugaya blinked, momentarily shocked out of his rage. "… … … the Hell?"

"Oh, my. Apparently, they're still not quite over the trauma you inflicted on them, and seeing you draw your sword has made them all have nervous breakdowns. Well, that's not good," Gin said mildly, watching his elite strike-force rock back and forth, begging for mercy.

Hitsugaya smiled, but it was not an expression that conveyed any sort of happiness. "Not good for _you_," He said, that sword still rather dangerously in his hands.

* * *

Ichigo sighed. He threw his bouncy ball against the wall, where it bounced off. He then caught it. Then he threw it again.

Ichigo sighed again. Maybe he _would _go fight the Bounts. Just for a little bit.

* * *

"Okay, are we all clear on the plan," Kyoraku asked calmly.

"Shunsui, we haven't agreed to do this plan of yours. It's not a good plan." Ukitake said.

"I agree. It's a _great_ plan." Kyoraku said.

"Shunsui, Soi Fon is NOT going to, and I quote, 'surrender and fall swooning into your arms when she sees how incredibly manly you are'," Ukitake said in a long-suffering tone.

"Jushiro, you are neglecting two things. One: I have my swords back. Two: I'm not wearing pink." Kyoraku said.

"… … … so?"

"Oh, Jushiro," Kyoraku said, leaving the heavily implied 'you simple, simple fool' unspoken. "Why do you think I wear pink all the time?"

"I never really thought about it. Or cared."

"It's because I'm too sexy, Jushiro. With two swords and my manly stubble, I'm simply too fantastically manly. I've simply got _too much_ raw _sexuality_. I am, in short, TOO HOT. It's not fair to women; they have no hope of resisting, the poor things. So I wear pink to lessen my masculinity to the point where women can safely associate with me. Now, however, I am not wearing pink. My inherent manliness will shine through like the sun, and no woman will be able to resist my natural charisma."

"… … … … … … … … …" Ukitake said.

"Speechless? Yes, not all men are immune. Don't worry, Jushiro, you will get over me in time." Kyoraku said helpfully.

"Siiiiiir…" Ukitake said to Yamamoto.

"This is a wonderful plan, Shunsui. Good luck." Yamamoto said solemnly.

"WHAT?!" Ukitake snapped. "Sir, you can't be serious!"  
"Of course I am, Jushiro. You should trust Shunsui… he is, after all, the finest tactician the Shinigami have ever seen."

"He… he… he…" Ukitake stammered, struggling to form a coherent sentence… and failing.

"Why… thank you, old ma… _sir_. You know, I've always thought of you as a father."

"I know, Shunsui. And I have always thought of you as a son. My _favorite _son." Yamamoto said meaningfully.

"I won't let you down, sir." Kyoraku said, a tear of joy in his eye.

"Then go, and make me proud." Yamamoto said. "We will be right behind you, to watch your masterful manipulations."

As Kyoraku prepared to initiate his master plan, Yamamoto turned to the completely stupefied Ukitake. "Come, Jushiro. We have little time."

"Sir… but… what…" Ukitake said dully.

"When Captain Soi Fon beats the Hell out of Shunsui, she will be momentarily distracted. This will be our one and only opportunity to launch a surprise attack and immobilize her. We must not miss this moment, Jushiro." Yamamoto said gravely.

Ukitake blinked. "We're… we're using him as a distraction?"

"Of course! Did you _listen _to the plan he offered? That was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard!" Yamamoto said. "Frankly, I think a little beating will do him good at this point."

"… … … thank you, sir." Ukitake said.

"You're welcome, Jushiro."

From the main hall, Kyoraku could be heard saying, "Why, Captain Soi Fon! Is it just me, are you the loveliest woman I have ever OH GOD IT HURTS!"

"Oh, we'd better hurry." Yamamoto said mildly.

The two Captains began to slowly walk in the direction Kyoraku had set off in. As they walked, Ukitake said, "You know, when he said he planned to overwhelm Soi Fon with his good looks? I really did think he was joking."

"Admittedly, I did think he wasn't actually going to try it. I thought he was merely being Shunsui."

"You know, his attitude can be rather comforting, sometimes… to just look over at him smiling and obviously not even trying during the most tense situations. But then other times, it makes it really hard to tell when he's just being an idiot."

"Hmmm… which way did he go?" Yamamoto asked, coming to a fork in the hallways?"

"The sound of bones snapping is coming from the left."

Finally, the two Captains came upon the 'distraction'. After briefly wincing at the deeply disturbing scene, Ukitake said, in a somewhat admiring tone, "Wow. Say what you will about Shunsui, but he is _durable_."

"HELP! SOMEONE, HELP ME!" Kyoraku said as Soi Fon did something that looked really, really horrible to him, and is rather difficult to describe in words. Like professional wrestling, but _real_.

"He is at that. I'm amazed he can still struggle… did you know Captain Soi Fon can chop down a tree with her bare hands?" Yamamoto agreed. "She travels to the world of the living and collects black belts from martial arts dojos. It's sort of a hobby for her."

"So… when do we attack? She hasn't pulled her sword on him yet, so if we go in armed we'll have the advantage..." Ukitake asked.

"MY KIDNEYS!" Kyoraku shouted.

"Unfortunately for Shunsui, her style is completely perfect. I haven't noticed any particular openings to pierce her defenses. But if she continues to beat him to this degree, she will eventually make a mistake. It's only a matter of-" Something, probably one of Kyoraku's bones, made a sickening 'crunching' sound. "-time." Yamamoto finished.

"You know, at first I felt bad that I was just sitting here watching my best friend get mauled by a small berserk ninja woman. Then I remembered that I'm currently wearing woman's clothing because of him, and the bad feeling just disappeared. It's quite interesting, really." Ukitake commented.

"Yes, well… just keep an eye out for openings. Oh, look, that was one!" Yamamoto said, noticing Soi Fon slightly unbalance herself as she kicked Kyoraku in the face.

Neither of the two Captains watching the exchange moved.

"It seemed like a really small opening. I doubt I could have managed an effective attack in such a short time while wearing these restrictive _woman's clothes._" Ukitake said, a frankly demonic smirk on his face.

"I just didn't feel like moving." Yamamoto admitted.

"It's all right, we'll just wait for the next one."

* * *

"Now, Toshiro. I realize you've probably had a rather trying time recently. And I understand that I haven't made it any easier on you. But I think that if you and your friends put away your swords, we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement." Gin said.

"Okay, everybody, swords out, we're going to murder Gin." Hitsugaya said.

"Now that, Toshiro? That is not mutually beneficial. We're trying to be _mutually beneficial._" Gin replied.

"You're right," Hitsugaya said. "It really isn't mutually beneficial at all."

"We're still killing him, right?" Ikkaku asked.

"Oh, yes." Hitsugaya said.

"Good." Ikkaku said, taking a step forward.

"Desklamp Panzermeister!" Ikkaku said, moving his brainwashed puppet in front of him. "Defend your master!"

"Yes, my lord!" Ayasegawa said proudly.

Matsumoto rolled her eyes. "Yumichika? You are very good looking."

"Oh!" Ayasegawa said, his eyes going wide. "It's… it's like the universe has opened before me once again! Everything makes _sense_ again! I'm not the Arrancar Desklamp Panzermeister, I'm Yumichika Ayasegawa, a Shinigami!"

"Oh, that's so lame." Gin complained.

Matsumoto shrugged. "Easy come, easy go."

"Hey, wait… you guys tied me to a rock and left me to die!" Ayasegawa said, dropping into a defensive stance. "I really AM going to help him!"

"Yumichika, I think you have really nice hair." Matsumoto said.

"Okay, I forgive them. Sorry, Captain Ichimaru." Ayasegawa said, switching sides.

"Right, then. Now that we've solved that problem, let's get back to what we were doing." Hitsugaya said, once again advancing threateningly toward Gin.

"Do it!" Halibel cheered.

"_YOU ARE NOT HELPING!"_ Gin informed her.

"I'm not trying to." Halibel informed him.

_Well… she's honest, I suppose. _Gin thought. _Dammit, Gin, you can't let it end here. You haven't even finished waiting for Captain Aizen to show even a moment's weakness before sliding a stiletto into his ribs and claiming his empire for yourself… er, not that you're planning to do that, and nobody could prove anything if you were. You have to find some way out of this! You must have something they need! What do you have that they need?!_

Hitsugaya took another step towards him, smiling wickedly.

"Yachiru!" Gin said.

"Hmmm?"

"Yachiru Kusajishi! She was in your group, and she's not with you anymore! If you don't kill me, I'll help you find her and get back to the Soul Society!" Gin said quickly.

"… … … heh. Heh heh. Hee, hee, hee, hee, hahahahahahaha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hitsugaya broke out into hysterical laughing.

"I… I wasn't actually joking, Toshiro…"

"Really? Because that sure sounded like a great joke to me! You… you can't seriously think I _want her back_?!"

"… aren't you two dating?"

"WOW, and you just keep digging yourself in deeper..."

"Look, you're the heroes, right? You can't just leave a little girl behind here. Even if she doesn't get killed, you're still leaving her all alone in the desert with a bunch of monsters."

"Yeah, I think she'd probably enjoy that. Now, close your eyes… more than usual, I mean… and count to ten. It'll be over before you reach three, but at least you won't be thinking too hard about it." Hitsugaya advised him.

"Um… Captain… she _did _come to help save you." Matsumoto advised.

Hitsugaya gritted his teeth. "Rangikuuuuuuuu…"

"And she's so small. She's just a little thing, really."

"I don't _want _to save her, Rangiku…"

"But she likes you! And I realize she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. … Or the most useful tool. Or the most practical tool. She's sort of a weird tool in the back that really isn't good for much, and it's such a weird shape that it makes your hand hurt, and it's really unwieldy so you usually hurt yourself if you try to build something with it. But she's still _our tool_." Rangiku said passionately.

Hitsugaya sighed. "Ikkaku?"

"Well, Captain Zaraki would probably get angry if we left her behind. He might not notice it for a few weeks, but he'd definitely be angry when he noticed." Ikkaku said.

"Momo?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Hmmm… well, we are guests in Captain Aizen's home. It would be rude to leave someone overnight without asking."

"… FINE!

"I _knew _you'd see things my way eventually, Toshiro," Gin smiled.

Hitsugaya punched him in the face.

"… ow…"

"Somebody tie his arms behind his back so we can take him with us," Hitsugaya said, gesturing at Gin. "And we should probably stuff his sword and these Arrancar into a side room or something. And… um… what were you planning on doing?" He asked Halibel.

"Are you going to be fighting Lord Aizen again?" Halibel asked.

"Well, I wasn't_ planning _on it…"

"But it could happen, right?"

"Yes, if things go horribly wrong."

"Well then, I'm going with you." Halibel said, her eyes twinkling.

"Sir…" Matsumoto whispered harshly into Hitsugaya's ears. "We clearly can't trust her."

"We also don't have the time to fight her. I'm sure we could handle her four-on-one, but by the time we did it who knows what else could go wrong? We might as well just let her tag along… she seems harmless enough."

"True, it's just…" Matsumoto's eyes narrowed. "There's something about her that really pisses me off."

"Well… she's shown a lot of interest in me, and she has a rather… _robust _figure." Hitsugaya said, a smirk on his face. "Why Rangiku, could be that you're jeal-"

"If you finish that sentence, I will never move out of your house."

"… like I was saying, it could be that your finely tuned combat senses detect her great power." Hitsugaya finished lamely, momentarily stricken by the thought of, essentially, _never sleeping again_.

"Okay, fine, I'll let your… _fan_…" Matsumoto said, her tone indicating she'd planned to use a somewhat harsher word, "slide with just a warning. For now. But don't blame me when things go wrong!"

"Don't worry. When things go wrong, I'm sure you'll have thought up an excuse." Hitsugaya said. "Okay people. Five minutes to clear the scene, then we roll out. This is a mission through hostile terrain, and we don't have time to fight every Arrancar in the damn castle, so we're going in a mobile scouting formation. Gin on point, followed by Ikkaku and Yumichika. Try to intercept threats before they kill him, but if he dies, too bad for him. Rangiku and I will bring up the rear and focus long-range attacks on your targets once you've engaged and immobilized them. Strange Arrancar Girl, if you're seriously coming along, could you… I don't know, sort of make sure Momo doesn't wander away? She seems a little… off… to me."

"You have _no _idea." Matsumoto grumbled.

"Okay people, it's time to go… _rescue a child._" Hitsugaya said, his face scrunching up as though the words left a foul taste in his mouth.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25: Therapy**

Sosuke Aizen had left the Soul Society for a very specific reason. Having reached the pinnacle of Shinigami power, he had gone to harness the powers of the Void, the soul-devouring Hollows, and make their emptiness his strength. With this darkness, he would then dethrone the king of the Soul Society and claim that power, too. Then, as the perfect amalgamation of Shinigami and Hollow, he would reign over all the souls of the world, Whole and Hollow alike, and with that rulership become an immortal and invincible god.

At least, he had _thought _that was his reason. It had never occurred to him until now, but he was beginning to wonder if, deep down in his subconscious, he hadn't really defected from the Shinigami for the simple reason that he wanted to _get away from the Shinigami_.

It wasn't as though the assorted battle maniacs, children that weren't children, and just general madness hadn't given him plenty of reasons over the years. And as he looked over the crushed, alternately burning and frozen ruins of what had once been a very impressive fortress indeed, and managed to consistently remain just far enough behind Yachiru to have a pretty good idea where she was but not catch her, he really, truly began to believe that perhaps that might be the case. _Maybe_, he thought, _Maybe in my heart of hearts, godhood is just a convenient excuse. Maybe all the experiments, and depravities, and heartless murders, and plots… maybe it was all just a pretense to allow me to finally ditch those goddamn lunatics._

It was a hard pill to swallow, honestly. Even if it was only a theory, he wouldn't have thought himself capable of being so very petty. But now, looking as everything he had spent so long building was either frozen, on fire, or somehow _both,_ all due to the actions of two children? He was beginning to think that he was even pettier than that.

"When I find that little brat," he murmured to nobody in particular. "I am going to murder the hell out of her, and I'm going to do it just because it makes me feel better. How is _that _for petty?!"

* * *

"So, Toshiro. I was wondering something." Gin said as the group progressed through Las Noches.

"Shut up, Gin." Hitsugaya said.

"What's it like knowing that, deep down, your closest childhood friend still likes the man who tried to murder her more than she likes you?"

"Punch him in the kidney, Ikkaku." Hitsugaya ordered Ikkaku, the man closest to Gin in their formation.

"Yes, sir."

"OW! Oh, God, OUCH! It was just a question!"

"Well, then, maybe you shouldn't ask questions." Hitsugaya told him.

"What am I supposed to do, then? This is boring. It's not as though there's any real need for me to be your guide, here. Yachiru could be anywhere, and everyone in the fortress is too busy whimpering in the corner to actually attack you." Gin said bluntly.

"… Well, then, I guess I have no reason not to kill you." Hitsugaya said coldly.

"Rip his heart out!" Halibel cheered. "Your perfect form bathed in the blood of your opponents is the one light in my existence!"

"… okay, wow, I just found a reason not to kill Gin. That's a first." Hitsugaya said, eyes wide with fear as he looked at Halibel's rapt expression. Turning back to Gin, he continued, "But in any event, you _are _sort of correct. You've been utterly useless thus far. You must have some idea where someone like Yachiru would go, you used to know her. Think, man! That's supposed to be what you're good at!"

"Hmmm… well, if she hasn't changed from the hyperactive little numbskull I remember…" Gin began.

"She hasn't."  
"Then I would have to say that she's probably headed to the Yumichika your face looks like it was kicked in by a donkey." Gin said smoothly.

Several things happened then.

Ayasegawa, a mad look in his eyes, drew his sword and charged his own allies, screaming at the top of his lungs of his dedication to the Arrancar Cause.

Gin turned and ran for the nearest window.

Halibel frowned (not that anyone could see it).

"Yumichika! What the hell?!" Ikkaku shouted as his friend tried to murder him, and without even giving him a fair challenge first.

Gin made a flying leap for the window.

"Ayasegawa! Nice skin! And your hair is so shiny and soft!" Matsumoto said.

"Wh… where am I?" Ayasegawa said.

"Ulf!" Gin said as he hit the floor after being tackled by a white, tan, and blonde blur.

Halibel, sitting on top of Gin, cheerfully said "Lord Hitsugaya! I've recaptured your prisoner!"

"Dammit, Halibel!" Gin said.

Hitsugaya looked between everyone present at least three times. The entire exchange had taken, at most, three seconds. "What… what just happened?" He asked, sounding utterly perplexed.

* * *

"We probably should have helped Shunsui by now." Ukitake admitted. "It's been sort of a long time."

"I'm surprised by how long both of them have lasted. Such an intense beating is certain to drain Captain Soi Fon's stamina, and her battle strategy has always focused more on speed. She's not built for such prolonged mauling… I mean, encounters." Yamamoto observed.

In point of fact, Soi Fon truly did not look all that tired. Kyoraku didn't either, but that was just because it was hard to tell what expression he was wearing through all the bruises. He was, against all odds, still conscious, however. He probably wished he wasn't.

Finally, there it was.

Soi Fon lifted her right leg high into the air, intending to bring her foot down onto Kyoraku's face with bone-crushing force. For several fatal seconds, she was perched on only one foot.

Ukitake and Yamamoto moved. In a blur of motion, they leapt into the fray, swords drawn, preparing to take down their oppressor in a single brilliant blow.

There was a crash of intense wind blasting through the room. Ukitake and Yamamoto slid to a halt after their high-speed charge, having blasted right through their target. Both of them, however, had identical confused expressions on their faces, and vaguely wondered why they felt different than they had when they'd first attacked.

Then they looked at their empty hands, and figured it out.

Soi Fon, holding both of their zanpakuto, did not look amused.

"… … how?!" Ukitake wondered.

* * *

Ichigo flicked his sword once, letting the blood fly off it. He looked around the shattered ruins of the castle, observing the twisted, broken bodies of the Bounts. "We haven't… even started… our evil plan yet!" Kariya protested, before losing consciousness.

Ichigo sighed sadly. "Well, that wasn't really much of a diversion after all."

* * *

"All right. Now we have a problem here." Hitsugaya said bluntly. "We need Gin to guide us through this unnaturally large castle, so we can't just murder him and dump his body in a ditch, however much we might want to. However much he deserves it. However thoroughly we would enjoy such…"

"I get the picture!" Gin said.

"But we also clearly can't allow him to speak, because Ayasegawa over there is a complete and total goddamned moron."

"Hey!" Ayasegawa protested.

"Now personally, I'm willing to just call the whole thing off, kill them both, and head back to Soul Society without Yachiru." Hitsugaya proposed in what he probably assumed was a reasonable tone.

"Kill them _both_?!" Ayasegawa protested much more vigorously.

"I don't have nearly as many problems with that thought as I probably should." Matsumoto said. "But we probably should still save Yachiru, you know?"

"Rangiku, later we're going to sit down, have a little chat, and figure out exactly when you became the one telling _me _to work more. But for now, if we're genuinely going ahead with 'Operation: Make My Life Worse', I'm going to need some strategies."

"Let's ask Captain Aizen for help." Momo said.

"… It's sort of sad that I'm almost willing to consider that." Hitsugaya said. "All right, anything better?"

Halibel sighed dreamily. "I think you should kill all who oppose you and feast on their hearts."

"Okay. Wow. And here I was thinking 'what is my life missing?' and it turns out the answer is 'mind numbing terror'. So really, thank you for filling that void in my existence. Really, thanks." Hitsugaya said with a deeply, deeply disturbed look in his eyes.

"You're welcome." Halibel said, in a completely sincere tone.

"Look, when you said 'kill them both', you meant Gin and the Arrancar girl, right?" Yumichika asked nervously. "… right?!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ayasegawa. But if push comes to shove, she's just a tiny bit more likable than you right now." Hitsugaya said, patting him on the should consolingly. "I know, it's weird! A few hours ago, I would have suggested that the _damned Hollow _was the one I didn't want around, as opposed to one of my fellow Shinigami. But here she is, being creepy and helpful; and here _you _are, being utterly useless and flipping in and out of insanity just because someone said you were ugly…"

"YEARGHABLE!" Yumichika screamed, leaping forward and attempting to throttle Hitsugaya.

"Oh, come on!" Hitsugaya said, trying to keep the hands from clamping around his throat. "I wasn't saying you were ugly, I was saying that someone else was saying it! How much more indirect can I be?!"

Matsumoto rubbed her forehead. "Sir, how do you not see these things coming?"

Gin smiled. "It's like he does it to himself on purpose." He stopped smiling when his subtle attempts to inch away from the group during the distraction were halted by Halibel's arm on his shoulder. "You know, my least favorite Arrancar used to be **Aaroniero**, just because of that absurd name. But you're rapidly heading for the top of the list." He said glumly.

* * *

"Now, Captain Soi Fon, there's really no reason for violence. I'm sure we can talk about this." Ukitake said calmly.

"I tried to be merciful. I thought that it was enough to simply have you imprisoned. 'True, they committed treason against Lady Yoruichi, but she would want me to be merciful. A mere lifetime in prison is enough'. That is what I, in my foolish naiveté, thought when I finally arrested you for your crimes."

"… Treason against _who_? She doesn't even live here anymore!" Yamamoto asked.

"But now I see the truth. Yes, imprisonment is too good for the likes of you… you vile lowlifes who spit on the generous mercy of Her Majesty. No only the cold embrace of death is a suitable punishment for the injustices you have committed." Soi Fon said, advancing on them with menace in her eyes.

Ukitake sighed. "I don't suppose it would be worth my time to point out that Yoruichi Shihouin does not, in fact, have ANY sort of official political position in ANY government, anywhere, and as a result it is quite literally impossible to commit treason against her?"

"Oh-HO!" Soi Fon said. "So, you're saying that not only have you committed treason against Her Royal Imperial Highness, but you're challenging her very right to the throne?"

"She doesn't have a throne!"

"And still you continue! You are rapidly approaching a level of evil that I can scarcely even comprehend, much less effectively punish, Former Captain Ukitake. I may have to discover some way to kill you _twice._"

"… well, I will admit that it's very difficult to argue with your logic." Ukitake said. "Not because it's actually _correct _in any way, but just because I'm beginning to suspect that you, in spite of _hearing _the things I say to you, are not actually _listening _to them."

"You. You and your _words_. Former Captain Ukitake, you were always so very clever with all. Your. _WORDS_." Soi Fon said. "Well, I know words too, _Former Captain Ukitake. _Words that define my existence, words that give me _purpose_, words that protect my willpower from being infected by your _mind games_.Words like _loyalty. _Words like _commitment_. Words like _Lady Yoruichi."_

"Not terribly familiar with the words 'subtlety', 'just tell the woman you have crush on her', or 'mad with power', I see." Ukitake muttered.

"I do _not _have a…"

"Yes! Yes, you do! You are in love with Yoruichi Shihouin! And don't you dare give me some bull about 'oh, no, I just admire her' or something like that, because I've been around for a couple of millennia now, and I can recognize a schoolgirl crush when I see one! It's blatantly, completely obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes! Although given the general quality of your work as chief of Intelligence, I suppose it's fitting that the only one who hasn't noticed this is _you! _

"But because _you _can't tell how you, yourself is feeling, _we _have to put up with you!You see, because you're an awful spy, you may not have noticed the fact that your unhappy personal life has made you unreasonable, unapproachable, and just generally unlikable. You consider all crimes equal, you refuse to admit the possibility that you might be _wrong _about anything, and you're generally just as awful as Captain-Commander Yamamoto!"

"Jushiro, was that really…" Yamamoto began.

"_NOT FINISHED YET!" _Ukitake roared.

"… … …"

"Better. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Actually, no, you're not just as bad as Old Man Genocide over here. You're _worse_. You see, at least he _genuinely _believes that he's doing the right thing, most of the time. You're just a horrible woman taking out her unhappiness on everyone around her because she seems to actively _hate joy._ Thanks to you I've been in and out of jail cells all freakin' day_,_ my home is in shambles, my country is in covered with ninjas of poor debating skill, I'm dressed as a woman, and I'm about to be killed with my own sword! And you know what? I'm done with that, and I'm done with _you._ I'm utterly sick of your unrequited crush that you refuse to admit you have, and I'm even sicker of how it's making you such a _bitch! _I don't care if you confess your feelings or not, I really don't, but either way it's long past time that you stopped using them as an excuse to be a bloody *#$!ing _PSYCHO!_" Ukitake snapped.

Captain Soi Fon became very, very quiet.

So did everything else. Even the dust in the air stopped moving.

Yamamoto took several steps away from Ukitake. "It was nice knowing you, Jushiro."

"You're… you're…" Soi Fon growled, the anger in her voice making it sound like the snarling of a jungle cat.

Ukitake gulped.

"… you're right." Soi Fon said in a small, quiet voice.

"… … … … … wait, what?"

"I have been… dishonest… concerning my true feelings. Perhaps I felt that such base emotions were an insult to Lady Yoruichi. Perhaps I just didn't want to admit that I was so weak. Either way, it is past time that I let her know how I truly feel." Soi Fon admitted.

"Oh. Um. Well. That's… that's great. I'm glad you've reached this turning point in your life, and I hope that we can help you as you move forward into…" Ukitake began.

"And I can think of no better way to do so than by making her supreme ruler of the Soul Society and delivering her your head on a platter!" Soi Fon proclaimed.

"WHAT?!"

"Thank you, Former Captain Ukitake. You made me truly realize something I've been denying for so many years. It's not enough for me to worship Lady Yoruichi from afar… I want her to see me with the same affection I feel for her, to look upon _me _with adoration in her eyes! Obviously, to begin such a courtship properly, I need to give her an exceptional gift. What could be more exceptional than the afterlife itself, decorated with the blood of those who disrespect her?"

"So… and I just wish to make sure I understand this… you've had a life-changing epiphany that has convinced you to keep doing exactly what you were doing before." Ukitake said in a dull, dead sort of voice.

"Yes, but I'm doing it for much more selfish reasons now." Soi Fon agreed.

"… … … how wonderful."

"Well done, Jushiro. Truly, you've accomplished a wonderful thing here. You should consider a career as a psychologist." Yamamoto said dryly.

"HAMTARO!" Soi Fon snapped. Hanataro, his face a mask of fear, sadness, and exasperation, poked his head into the room.

"Yes, my la… dy?" He said, looking at the scene in confusion. It was, after all, a rather confusing scene. "Um… milady, why are you threatening Captain-Commander Yamamoto and Captain Ukitake? And why is that pile of hamburger on the… oh my God, is that a person?! What's going _on _in…" Hanataro asked.

"Hamtaro. I have been executing these traitors, but it occurs to me that as Lady Yoruichi's supreme general and future bride, I should…"

"Wait, what was that second one?"

"… Not be directly intervening with such menial matters." Soi Fon continued as if the medic had not spoken. "Please kill the heretics, if you don't mind."

"Heretics?" Yamamoto muttered. "How are we heretics?"

"Would you really put it past her to have started her own religion at this point, sir?" Ukitake questioned.

"Honestly, we've reached the point where I would not be surprised if she tore her own face off and revealed herself to be my dead mother wearing a very clever disguise."

"Silence, heretics! Those about to die should be praying for forgiveness, not mocking their betters!" Soi Fon snapped. "Now, Hamtaro, it is finally time to prove your ultimate loyalty! Draw your sword and slay these men!"

"I can't." Hanataro said.

"What? If you're too squeamish…"

"No, I mean that literally. My sword is for healing. It can't hurt people until I've healed a bunch of wounds first." Hanataro said.

"… … that is the lamest thing I've ever heard." Soi Fon said with a slightly disgusted look on her face.

"I keep _telling _you, I'm supposed to be a _medic!_"

"Fine, fine. If your sword can't do it, I'll hold them still while you strangle them to death." Soi Fon said indulgently. "We'll have to get you a better zanpakuto if you're going to be my chief executioner…"  
"… dammit all, I am a _doctor! _I'm not going to strangle anyone!" Hanataro protested.

Soi Fon looked at the swords she was holding in her hands with a slightly bored air. "Hmmmm… I wonder which of these would be best for chopping into a medic?"

"Right then. Let's get strangling!" Hanataro said enthusiastically.

* * *

The two Shinigami ran through the night.

They had been attacked many times by servants of the new guard. Fortunately, all of their assailants had been Stealth Force ninjas, and not terribly good at either stealth or force. Still, they were wounded, tired, and frightened. In spite of this, they maintained their loyalty to the true leadership of the Seireitei, refusing to serve the new military dictatorship. No, they were staunch supporters of the _old _military dictatorship.

Finally, they found what they had fought through mud, fire, and the blades of their foes to find. The last possible reinforcement for the failing forces that stood against the tyrant Soi Fon.

Nearly collapsing from exhaustion, they limped up to the elaborate door and knocked on it as loudly as they could manage with their tired limbs.

The door opened, and white light flooded out. Light of _hope. _The wind blew delicately, scattering cherry blossoms as it did.

"Yes?" Captain Kuchiki said.

"Sir… the Seireitei has fallen. Captain Soi Fon has betrayed us all! Please, sir, only you can possibly save the Soul Society!" One of the two messengers gasped.

Byakuya looked thoughtful, as if preparing to take on a grave responsibility.

He gazed at the two Shinigami, desperately seeking his aid.

"Nothing," he said, "is happening."

Then he slammed the door in their faces and went back to continue drinking tea with Rukia and Orihime, assuring them as he did that nothing was happening outside. They both agreed, with only the slightest hints of denial in their voices.

The two Shinigami stood in silence for several seconds.

"I _told _you we should have just sounded the alarm." One of them said.

"Do _not _start…"

* * *

Aizen smiled, as cold and enigmatic as ever.

"Oh, you've done well. Better than I ever gave you credit for. Indeed, when I was in the Soul Society, I never once gave you a second glance. I thought you simple, childish, a fool. I never for an instant believed you to be this dangerous. So truly, from the bottom of my heart, I congratulate your efforts.

"Now, as you prepare for death at my hands, I will offer you this one sign of respect. If you've any last words, I will deliver them to your loved ones after I destroy you. Well? Have you anything to say? Any final thoughts to bring out, any last confessions, and heartfelt messages before I consign you to a brief moment of anguish followed by an eternity of oblivion?"

Yachiru, sitting in the rubble of Aizen's very own throne, thought about that for a second.

"Have we met?" She asked.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26: History's Most Epic Duel of Wits ****OR ****Sometimes Chapter Titles Lie**

_Have we met?_

Under normal circumstances, it took a _lot_ to surprise Sosuke Aizen. He was, after all, both extremely ancient and highly intelligent, and not at all simple to confuse as a result. So he was getting rather annoyed by how consistently it was happening recently.

But honestly, he could hardly be blamed. He was, after all, arguably the single most famous person in the history of Soul Society, albeit for probably the worst reasons possible. As a result, he was very much used to any number of reactions.

Fear was normal. 'Oh God, it's Aizen', that was something he could easily understand.

Anger was also a big one. 'How dare you! Die, you monster!', that was a totally normal reaction.

Even sadness was up there. 'How could you? We all trusted you!' was something he could comprehend with relative ease.

Yes, offhand, he had to say that pretty much the _only _reaction that could have truly _shocked _him to the very core of his being and utterly deflated his rapidly building fury was 'Have we met?' How, exactly, was he supposed to respond to that?

"Yes. Yes, we have met before. Quite often." He said, trying with limited success to maintain that cool aloofness he'd cultivated so well.

"Hmmmm… are you sure? Because you don't look familiar." Yachiru said doubtfully.

"Aizen. Captain Aizen."

"Nope! Doesn't sound familiar." Yachiru said cheerfully.

"I was the Captain of the Fifth Division."

"We have five divisions?" Yachiru asked in wonder.

_Gaaaaaaaaah! _Aizen thought. What he _said _was "I betrayed the Soul Society and left to found an army of soul-eating death monsters with which to claim dominion over all creation."

"Hmmmm… were we in any clubs together or anything? Maybe I'd remember you if we were in the same club." Yachiru said blankly. "Were you ever in the Shinigami Women's Association? I go to that all the time!"

"Vice Captain Kusajishi?"

"Who?"

"You."

"Oh! Okay. What do you want, then?"

"Am I a woman?"

"Hmmmm… well, it's hard to be sure…" Yachiru said, her expression suggesting she was putting a truly, truly unnecessary level of thought into the question. "But I don't _think _so…"

"Very good. I am, in fact, a man."

"Ah-ha! I thought so."

"So, next question: If I am a man, then _why would I be in the women's association?!"_

"Oh, yeah. I guess they _do _meet on Tuesday evenings." Yachiru said, her tone giving the words a certain twisted logic that they certainly didn't have on their own.

"What… what does _that _have to do with _anything_?"

"What does what have to do with what?" Yachiru asked blankly.

Aizen fought down a growl. "You _seriously _don't know who I am? You're not just being annoying here, you're legitimately _that stupid._"

"Well, maybe we have met and I just don't remember you. What's your name?" Yachiru asked.

"Sosuke Aizen! I've told you this!"

"No, no, your _real _name." Yachiru said meaningfully.

Aizen thought about that for a second… and groaned. With an expression of supreme embarrassment, he said, "Oh, yes, I forgot who I was talking to. Fine, there _was_ something you always used to call me. Um… I think it was…" He began, his voice losing intensity until he finally mumbled something inaudible.

"Hmmm? What was that? I couldn't hear you." Yachiru said honestly.

Sighing again, he leaned forward to whisper something in her ear.

Yachiru immediately smiled brilliantly, pointed at him, and shouted, "_Nerd_!"

"Yes. Yes, that was my 'nickname'." Aizen said through gritted teeth.

"No wonder I didn't recognize you, you're not wearing your nerd glasses! You can't be Nerd without your nerd glasses!" Yachiru said cheerfully.

"Yes. I know. In fact, that's one of the major reasons I got rid of them." Aizen said dully.

"How have you been, Nerd? I haven't seen you around lately!" Yachiru said brightly.

"Like I said: Betrayed the Soul Society. Took over the Hollows. Trying to become God."

"Huh. Well, how's that going for ya?"

"It _was _going fairly well. As of right now, however, I've got to say that it could really be going a lot better. It's been sort of a trying day."

"Wait, wait, wait." Yachiru said in a worried tone. "You said that you've taken over the Hollows?

"I thought that was fairly obvious even without my saying it, considering that we're in my palace of Hollows in the middle of the world of Hollows, but yes. Once again: _Took over the Hollows_."

"Hmmmm…. Hollows, Hollows… why does that sound familiar? I'm sure I've heard that before somewhere." Yachiru said in total seriousness.

"You can't possibly be serious. You really, truly cannot _possibly _be serious." Aizen said dully.

"It's right on the tip of my tongue…"

"You're a damn Shinigami! Hollows are your natural enemy! They're the dark, foul spirits of hunger and chaos that you've devoted your entire idiot life to fighting!" Aizen snapped.

"Oh, yeah! Funny monsters!" Yachiru said cheerfully. "Wait, wait, wait. You work with the funny monsters?"

"Yes! As I've told you! Several times! For the love all that is holy, half the damn Soul Society _saw me leave to go do it!_"

Yachiru thought about that for a second. "Then you're a villain!"

"Well, from your perspective, certainly. I prefer…"

"Villain! Villain! Villain!"

"… to think of myself as a well-intentioned extremist who is merely…"

"Villain! Villain! Villain!"

"… pursuing a violent path right now in the realization that the world will ultimately benefit from my guidance, and furthermore that…"

"Villain! Villain! Villain!"

"_Would you shut the hell up?!" _Aizen finally snapped.

"I don't listen to _villains._"

* * *

Hanataro's hands clamped around Ukitake's throat and endeavored to crush the life from him in order to appease his Master.

Ukitake rolled his eyes. "Haven't been hitting the gym lately, have you Mr. Yamada?" He did not appear to be terribly strangled.

"Be silent and accept your execution, heretics!" Soi Fon commanded.

"I would, but your executioner seems to be having some trouble." Ukitake informed her. "More specifically, I'd have to come right out and say that you might have more luck if you ordered that small child you locked in our cell with us to strangle me."

"Hey! I'm strangling you the best I can!" Hanataro protested.

"Oh… oh god, really? I'd thought you were holding back… you poor guy, you really are just that awful?" Ukitake said, his eyes filled with sympathy.

"I. Am. A. _Medic!_" Hanataro snapped.

"Okay, that's a little better." Ukitake said approvingly. "But you'll want to try digging your thumbs into my windpipe a little bit more. It's faster to shut off oxygen to the brain than to try cutting off blood flow."

Hanataro sighed sadly. "Captain-Commander Soi Foooooon…"

Soi Fon shook her head in disappointment. "Well, I suppose your deep knowledge of Lady Yoruichi makes up for your pitiful, childlike weakness…"

"… Now you're making fun of me too…"

"… so I'll forgive you for this ineptitude. I'll see about appointing a new chief executioner…"

"Oh, _thank _you ma'am! I'm really not cut out for this sort of thing, and I much prefer medical…" Hanataro began.

"…_ after _you finish killing them. Might I suggest smothering? That doesn't take much muscle mass."

"… work." Hanataro finished glumly.

Soi Fon patted him on the back supportively. "There, there, Hamtaro. I know these duties aren't pleasant for you, but I need my second-in-command to be not only loyal, but versatile. You must have skills in a wide variety of subjects, and right now your skill in execution is lacking, so look at this as an opportunity to get some much-needed practice. It's like the old saying goes: sometimes you just have to murder some people who didn't do anything wrong besides irritating somebody that has more political power than they do."

Hanataro blinked in confusion a few times. " I… um… I don't think I've ever heard that saying…"

"Really? I have it on a motivational poster in my barracks."

"I _really _wish I could say that surprised me, ma'am." Hanataro said.

"The poster has one of those kittens in a coffee mug on it." Ukitake said helpfully. "Sometimes I see it in my nightmares."

* * *

"All right, folks, we have a problem." Grimmjow said bluntly.

Since nobody else would take the initiative and do what needed to be done, Grimmjow had decided to take charge. And so it was that he had gathered together all of the mighty Espada (except Halibel, who nobody had seen in awhile now. As far as any of them could tell, she had simply decided to take her fangirl crush to its logical conclusion and defected to the Soul Society. Ordinarily, a group of people might have been shocked, confused, or enraged at the fact that one of their own members had abandoned them to join their mortal enemies. But the fact of the matter was that the Espada didn't really like each other anyway, so her defection didn't exactly break any hearts).

"The fact that one of our own number has defected, casting doubt on the rest of us?" Ulquiorra guessed. Grimmjow resisted the urge to punch him. Man, he hated that guy.

"The fact that we're… ::yawn::… awake?" Starrk wondered. Grimmjow resisted the urge to kick him. Man, he hated that guy.

"The fact that I haven't eaten in almost two hours? By the way, you guys are probably a lot more edible than you think, so one of you should probably do something about that." Yammy suggested. Grimmjow resisted the urge to stab him. Man, he hated that guy.

Grimmjow was a being of varied and complex emotions.

After congratulating himself for resisting his totally natural and logical urge to kill everyone he could see, he said, "No, you damn idiots. God, I hate you all..."

Eight swords snapped out of their sheaths with surprising precision. Well, six swords and one really, really huge axe, and one kind of… I'm not even sure what to call it. Some kind of bizarre thing that looked like two crescent moons taped together… geez, how does Nnoitra even use that thing? You couldn't design a more unwieldy weapon if you tried. Maybe if you replaced the handle with, I don't know, a _third_ crescent moon so that you actually had to _hold _a razor sharp blade while you were swinging the thing around.

"… is what I _would _say, if I didn't think you were all great."

Eight swords went back where they came from. Well, six swords and one… you get the idea.

"Now, our _problem_, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…"

"Rudely? You called us idiots and told us you hate us to our faces, but we're rude for being annoyed with you?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Glad you agree."

"I wasn't actually…"

"_Glad you agree. _Now, our _problem _is that for some reason, we've all become complete freakin' cowards." Grimmjow continued.

"The reason is sort of obvious. We were all defeated by a single Shinigami, who crushed us all as if we were children." Barragan rumbled.

"Children that he apparently had a deep personal grudge against." Starrk said with a shudder.

"And he was already a serial killer that targeted children before he ever got the grudge." Nnoitra said, a slightly haunted look in his eyes. "I… I used to think I had no problem with a violent death in combat. Now, I'm not so sure…"

"Right, there!" Grimmjow said. "Nnoitra, _Nnoitra _of all people_,_ is wondering if he wants to die or not! You remember when Neliel used to live here?! Dumbass couldn't _wait _to die! He followed her around like a damn puppy, going all like 'Hey Nel, if I piss you off will you kill me? Huh? Huh?'"

"It's not really that simple, Grimm-" Nnoitra began.

"But now? Now he's not sure! That just ain't right, people! We _should not have this fear!_" Grimmjow proclaimed grandiosely.

_Note to self: _Nnoitra thought. _Next time I get a chance, stab the hell out of Grimmjow._

"And what do you recommend we do about it?" Ulquiorra asked.

"… … … hell if I know. Ask Szayel, he's supposed to be the smart one."

Starrk poked the 8th Espada a few times. Szyael did not seem to notice. "Already tried. He just keeps staring into space… honestly, I only think he drew his sword to threaten you a little bit ago because seeing all of us do it triggered some kind of reflexive instinct or something."

"Huh. Well then, what are we going to do?"

"How should we know?! This meeting was your idea!" Yammy bellowed.

Ulquiorra thought for a moment, closing his eyes in concentration. "Deep down, I think you all know," he said grimly, "What we must do."

"No!" Barragan said, aghast.

"Ulquiorra, I trust your judgment, but…" Yammy said nervously.

"Are… are you sure?" Grimmjow asked.

"Banzai! Aizen-sama!" Zommari said.

"Shut the hell up, Zommari." Grimmjow said.

"… sorry."

"There's no other options. Believe me, I've tried to think of one." Ulquiorra said simply. "If we truly wish to overcome our fear, there is only one path open to us…"

"No! Don't say it!"

"We must go to _Arrancar therapy._"

"Um… okay… wow. I thought you were going to suggest that we all fight each other to the death." Grimmjow said in an embarrassed tone.

"Me too." Starrk admitted.

"Same here." Yammy said.

"That was my thought as well." Barragan said.

"_Submerge yourself in my Amor!" _Zommari wailed.

"Shut the hell up, Zommari." Barragan said.

"… sorry."

"Why," Ulquiorra asked in mild disbelief, "Would I suggest we all kill each other?"

The room fell silent for a brief moment.

"Well, that was gonna be _my _next suggestion." Yammy ventured.

"I was thinking about it." Grimmjow admitted.

"It seemed logical to me." Nnoitra said.

"Zzzzzzz… zzzzzzzz…" Starrk snored.

"I hate you all." Ulquiorra said.

"See? And you got angry at _me _for sayin' it."

* * *

Gin was gagged. Hitsugaya found that while this somewhat lessened his value as a guide, it greatly improved team morale.

"Yachiru! Yachiru Kusajishi!" He shouted. "Where are you, you little twit?! We're leaving without you if we don't find you in the next twenty minutes!"

"No we're not!" Matsumoto shouted reassuringly. "He's just grumpy!"

Hitsugaya glared at her. "I am n-" he began.

He was interrupted when Halibel broke in, "Don't mock Lord Hitsugaya. He understands that sometimes, to claim total victory, his lesser pawns must be sacrificed. Now silence your wagging tongue before _you _become the one to be cast aside for his glory, strumpet," She then turned to Toshiro and, with what _might _have been a smile if her face had been visible, said, "I've disciplined your disobedient soldier for you, milord."

"Ah. Um. Well. I was actually just going to say something like 'I'm not grumpy, I'm just trying to motivate Yachiru to come out faster'. But… well… I guess your way works too." He said doubtfully. "Thanks?"

Halibel blushed and averted her eyes. "Th-thank you for your praise, milord."

"It wasn't _really_…"

"Lord Aizen… we are mere tools to him. He would never offer any of the Espada even the slightest of praise… oh, and there was that time he used us as shields to keep from being killed by you, which was actually somewhat more unpleasant than not being praised. But you… even though we were enemies mere minutes ago, you have already welcomed me into your heart. I now see that in spite of your awe-inspiring ruthlessness and thirst for blood while in battle, you can also be kind, noble, and caring. You have the best aspects of Lord Aizen and _more."_

Hitsugaya actually blushed a little at that, in spite of Momo's muttered insistence that such a thing obviously wasn't possible, because Captain Aizen had in fact created Toshiro with his own two hands out of clay, just as he'd made all men in his image when he created the world. "Well, um, thank you again, I suppose…"

Halibel's eyes shined. "Thank me _again_! Truly, your kindness is matched only by the magnificent beauty of your ice as it brutally rips the life from all it touches. My devotion to you grows with each passing second, milord."

"… … …" Hitsugaya said. Partially because he legitimately wasn't sure how to reply to this, and partially because he could practically feel Rangiku's death-glare burning into the back of his head, and didn't want to risk saying something that would start a catfight.

"Hey, milord." Ikkaku said from the front of the pack. "We seem to have run out of rooms in this wing. Maybe we should backtrack a little bit and check another? If his royal Hitsugaya-ness commands as such."

"Don't. You. Start."

Halibel drew her sword. "Shall I discipline him for you, milord?"

"_NO!_" Hitsugaya snapped._ "_I mean, no that's all right. I forgive him, its fine! Just… just don't try to murder anybody!"

Halibel sighed contentedly. "_Magnificent_." She said.

* * *

Ichigo sighed.

Then he sighed again.

Kept right on sighing.

"… … … all right, you know what? I'm the hero, and I have had _enough _of this. That's it, no more, I am _done._ I am going out there, I am finding _someone_, and we are doing _something_."

And with that, he hefted his sword, leapt out the window, and headed off to fight… boredom.

And there was no possible way that it could possibly turn out badly.

* * *

"All right. One more time. _Any Last Words?" _Aizen growled.

"Villain! Villain! Villain!"

"Fine! You know what?! Reason is wasted on you, so I'll just let my sword do the talking. Hell, it's strangely _fitting _that your last words would be meaningless babble. At least you died how you lived." He finally said in an ice-cold tone, lifting Kyouka Suigetsu to strike the final blow.

Had he paid a little more attention to Szayel's lab, he might have remembered two important factors about dealing with Yachiru.

One: Taking the time to speak with her is never a good idea.

Two: Often, the _aftermath _of her activities is more dangerous than she herself.

It was all right though. The ceiling falling down on his head because Yachiru had weakened the support columns by kicking them until they cracked (She would have burned them, but she'd been out of fire at the time. Besides, smashing things is fun in its own way) reminded him of these facts quite well.

Yachiru gazed curiously at the pile of wood and stone that had crashed to the floor in front of her. She sniffled a little as some dust from the collapse tickled her nose, and she sneezed. Then, deciding that the pile of debris was really sort of boring and probably had nothing to do with her anyway, she went off to find something to do.

_Well. __**That **__could have gone better, _Aizen thought. He would dig himself out eventually, but… well, right this second he wasn't sure it was worth it.

**Author's Note: You know, I'm not entirely sure when I decided that Zommari would speak in nothing but his most utterly cheesy quotes from the series. But I think I'm glad I did. **


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27: Simple Minds  
**

"Welcome, everyone, to Arrancar Therapy." The Arrancar Therapist said. "From what I understand, you're all suffering from an intense case of Shinigamiphobia. This is a perfectly normal and natural response for any Hollow that's had a bad run-in with a Shinigami, and here at Arrancar Therapy we are _going _to help you get through this. Are there are any questions?"

"Why…" Zommari wondered. "Do the Shinigami persecute us? They slay us as if it were their birthright! They choose to see our cup as half-empty, blinded by antiquated dogma, reeking of self-importance and infallibility!"

"… … … … … they persecute us because we _eat them_, dumbass." Grimmjow said bluntly.

"I always thought that was the reason." Aaroniero agreed.

"Zommari, I propose a new rule: before you speak, you have to write down what you plan to say and show it to me. I will read it, and if I don't like it, you don't get to say it." Ulquiorra said.

"But…"

"_I am completely serious._" Ulquiorra said coldly, putting one hand meaningfully on his sword.

Zommari sighed and fell silent.

"Better."

"Um. Well. Okay." The Arrancar Therapist said. "Perhaps I should have been clearer… I really meant any questions pertaining to your _treatment_, not philosophy on the nature of good and evil and whether Hollows or Shinigami are the side that's truly in the right. Does anyone have any questions about your _treatment_?"

"Can we get it done in about ten minutes? We've sort of got an intruder to deal with." Yammy asked.

"… … … … … you wish me to cure a soul-deep phobia brought on by horrible near-death experiences in ten minutes?"

"If you can manage it, that would be awesome." Grimmjow agreed. "And if you can't manage it, we _might _kill you. Maybe."

"Maybe?" Yammy asked.

"By maybe, I mean 'definitely'."

Yammy blinked a few times. "Then why didn't you say 'definitely'? You can't just say one word and then mean another. If we do that, it'll never end. I could say 'ham' and mean 'pancakes'. I could say 'pizza' and mean 'ice cream'. I could say…"

"Are you hungry, Yammy?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Lucky guess. Since you aren't going to contribute anything to this session, why don't you just go find something to eat? The rest of us will find you later." Ulquiorra suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds good." Yammy agreed, stomping out of the room.

Grimmjow watched him leave. "Is that all right? I mean, if he's not here, he won't get over his phobia."

Ulquiorra shrugged. "Later on, I'll tell him that he was here and that he received proper therapy. That should do the job."

"… what?"

"If I _tell _him that he received therapy and got over his fear, he'll believe me." Ulquiorra said.

"But… but he won't have!"

"No, but if he _thinks _he did, that's just as good." Ulquiorra said serenely. "You'd be amazed what Yammy can do when he doesn't know what he hasn't done."

Grimmjow just opened and closed his mouth a few times. "Aaaaand, now I have a headache."

Barragan interjected, "If we want to finish in ten minutes, we should get started. Otherwise it will be a waste of time when we murder the therapist."

"… do you _have _to murder me?" She asked.

"That really depends on you beating the clock, now doesn't it?"

The therapist blinked a few times. "Well… all right then. Well… um… I guess we should get started then. All right, Mr. Starrk. Why don't you tell me how your encounter with this Shinigami made you _feel_?"

"Zzzzzzz… zzzzzzz…" Starrk snored.

"… Okay. That's great. Um… Mr. Nnoitra. Same question."

"It made me feel like murdering someone."

"… Mr. Grimmjow?"

"Also like murdering someone."

"… Mr. Ulquiorra?"

"I have no emotions. They are a burden to a true warrior." Ulquiorra said.

"Is there _any _of you that has a legitimate answer?" the therapist asked.

Zommari raised his hand.

"Except you." She clarified.

Zommari lowered his hand.

"Okay, okay. I have an idea. Why don't all of you leave, and then come back in one at a time? I'll see you each separately. Maybe you'll be more willing to talk to me when you're not in a big group like this." The therapist said.

"That sounds like it will take more than ten minutes." Grimmjow said.

"Tiny… pink… nightmare…" Szayel said, the first words he'd spoken in nearly an hour.

"Don't worry, I'm sure it will take less than ten minutes." The therapist said. What she was actually _thinking _was that by the time those ten minutes had passed, the Espada would have completely forgotten they'd threatened to kill her. They were, after all, the most self-centered group of people in possibly all of creation (unless one counted Soul Society, and even in that case it was a close thing). Of course, she didn't _say_ this. But she sort of wanted to.

The Espada all stood up and left the room together, just as she'd suggested.

Then they all walked back into the room together.

"We couldn't agree on which of us should go first." Grimmjow said.

The therapist fought down the urge to kick him. "You first, then!"

"HA! I win!" Grimmjow said.

* * *

"This is only getting more pathetic." Ukitake said.

"I'm trying my best!" Hanataro protested, trying to smother Ukitake with a pillow.

"You know, every time you say that, it just makes me pity you a little bit more." Ukitake said, his voice somewhat muffled by the pillow. But not much.

"… … … … …" Soi Fon was simply standing there, speechless. She seemed to be having difficulty wrapping her mind around the idea of anyone being so inept at murder. Murder was, after all, one of her primary job duties (or it had been before she'd become Lord Chancellor of the Divine Empire of Lady Yoruichi. Now she would have to consider it more of a hobby. That was the sad thing about relationships, sometimes to make them work you just had to give up a job you really loved). It just didn't seem _right _that any high-ranking official should be unable to do it.

"Maybe you should try poison." Ukitake suggested brightly. "Oh, but you might have some trouble getting it through my skin… so maybe if you make me swallow it! Oh, but I don't think you could get my mouth open… hmmm… maybe if you tricked me into drinking it?"

"How would I trick you into drinking something when _you know that I'm trying to trick you into drinking something?!" _Hanataro snapped exasperatedly.

"Hey, you're the executioner here. I can't do all the work."

"… … … you're mocking me, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes." Ukitake agreed cheerfully.

"Captain Soi Fooooooon…" Hanataro whined.

She sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you. I really don't. On the one hand, your great knowledge is clearly an asset to me. On the other… God, man, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in my life, and_ I've seen my own vice-captain._"

"There's a reason I keep telling you I'm a medic, not an executioner. It's because _I really am a medic!_" Hanataro said.

Ukitake turned to Soi Fon. "Captain… Soi… please. Just stop this. You haven't done anything that cannot be taken back, yet."

"Yes she has. Treason. A _lot _of treason. _And _kidnapping. Plus what she did to Shunsui here, that's assault. She's committed several horrible crimes." Yamamoto rumbled.

"… _you haven't done anything that cannot be taken back, yet._" Ukitake said firmly. "So there's no reason for this madness to continue. Just… stop. You have the power to redeem yourself, right this moment, by just stopping what you're doing and returning to your former position as Captain of the second division. No harm, no foul."

"All right, fine." Soi Fon said exasperatedly. "If you _really _can't handle it, Hamtaro, I'll kill them myself."

"… now you see, that is almost exactly the opposite of what I asked you to do." Ukitake said.

* * *

"So, Mr. Grimmjow. Why don't we start from the beginning. Tell me why this particular Shinigami has distressed you so."

"Hmmmm… well, I really wanted to kill him. But I couldn't. And then he hurt me. A lot." Grimmjow said.

"And why is this so horrible? Many people can't accomplish something they attempt. Why did this one failure haunt you so?"

"… well, I really enjoy murdering people. Killing people. Causing people to die." Grimmjow said.

"… … … and?"

"And what?"

"I asked you a question, but you just said that you like killing people."

Grimmjow thought about it. "Of course! That's it! You're a genius, doc!"

"… what?"

"I love killing people! I mean, really, really love it! So… I should kill the Shinigami!" Grimmjow said.

"… eh?"

"The proper way to cure my fear is to murder the thing I'm afraid of! Man, thanks doc, I feel really good about this!" Grimmjow said enthusiastically, getting off the therapy couch and running out into the wide world.

"… … … … well. A part of me hopes they'll all be this easy, but another part of me hopes they won't all be this _stupid. _I'm not quite sure which part to listen to."

* * *

"Logic would suggest," Hitsugaya said bitterly, "That given the typical level of mayhem that Kusajishi is responsible for, she would be simple to find in any situation. You just listen for the screams. Maybe smell the smoke. Why, I can't even count the number of times I've wanted to _not _find her, and yet, there she was!

"So how is it that the _one time _we actually _want _to the find the little monster, she's _nowhere to be found?!_" He moaned.

The former Hitsugaya Rescue Squad, now the Yachiru Location Squad, had been stumbling around Las Noches for much longer than they'd been planning. The castle was extremely huge, yes, but given the general devastation their quarry caused, they'd been hoping that she'd be fairly easy to pinpoint.

"Ah… milord?" Halibel said. "I think a part of the problem is that an attack by… someone I shall not mention… caused a great deal of damage to the castle before the person you seek ever arrived. It's making it very difficult for me to tell what damage she caused and what damage y… this other, unnamed person caused."

Hitsugaya rubbed his temples. "Ah. So it's my fault. How _nice_."

Halibel drew her sword and moved to impale herself through the stomach.

"WHOA! What the hell?!" Hitsugaya snapped, grabbing her arms.

"I… I implied that you were incompetent, milord! I merely assumed you would wish me to pay with my life… but no. You would not, would you?" Halibel said, her eyes shining once again. "Oh, milord, your mercy truly knows no bounds…"

"… … … …" Hitsugaya said. "Right. That's… well, that's a little bit horrifying. In the future, please refrain from killing yourself?"

"Of course, milord. My plans for the future have been definitively chosen for me at this very instant." Halibel said, her voice that of someone who has just received definitive proof that their religion is the only correct one in the entire world. "After we have located your missing lackey, I will return with you to your Soul Society, where I will become your greatest servant."

"_**Like Hell!**_**" **Matsumoto roared.

"Oh, crap…" Hitsugaya said, gazing back and forth between the two antagonistic women. There had been an undercurrent of hostility running between them for awhile now, just waiting for something to make it an 'overcurrent'. Apparently, Halibel openly declaring her intent to steal Rangiku's job was just that something.

Halibel did not so much as spare her a glance. "Please, milord. I outclass your current… _subordinate_… in every way imaginable. There is no way in which your Shinigami division could not be improved by my power."

_"No. _No _way. _I have put up with a _lot _of your new little puppy dog, Captain. I've put up with the snide remarks, the wanton violence, the way she carries herself that nonverbally implies that she's prettier than me when _she totally isn't_." Matsumoto said.

Halibel let out what might have been a laugh. She muttered something that might have been "Like hell I'm not…" and might have just been her clearing her throat.

"… But I draw the damn line at bringing her home with us! She's a freakin' Hollow, sir, or _have you forgotten?! _Just wave a revealing outfit and a fake tan in your face and you forget that she's a soul-eating death monster?!"

"It is _not _fake."

"_Your world has no sun!" _Matsumoto growled.

"My skin is just naturally this color." Halibel said.

"… Really? Because, you know, my hatred for you aside, it really is nice. And not just your tan, your skin in general just looks so soft and smooth! How do you manage it in this desert?" Matsumoto said.

"Good nutritition helps. I make sure to eat mostly souls that are high in vitamin D, to help maintain a healthy complexion."

"Oh, well it shows! You look great."

"I just wish I could have your hair. If I let mine get any longer than this it goes completely out of control."

"Oh, this?" Rangiku asked, touching her locks. "It's all in the conditioner. I'll get you a couple bottles of the stuff I use, you can try it out."

"That would be wonderful, thank you." Halibel said.

"Happy to help." Matsumoto said with a smile. She then turned back to Hitsugaya. "_Captain! _I absolutely refuse to let this horrible, evil bitch come home with us!"

"… … …" Hitsugaya said. "Ikkaku?" He said.

"Yeah?"

"How is it that _you _are the most normal person here?"

"Yeah, I was worried about that, at first. Then I figured, you know… screw it. Why should I worry about these weirdoes? They're not my friends." Ikkaku said.

Ayasegawa smirked. "Only vitamins and conditioner? Utter amateurs. You don't _really _look good until you spend more time on beauty care than you do on sleep."

"… most of the weirdoes aren't my friends." Ikkaku said sadly. "Most of them."

* * *

"I think my problems really started with Nel. Yeah, offhand, I'd say that's where the real root of the situation began." Nnoitra said, sitting back on the therapist's couch.

"All right, why don't you tell me why you feel Miss Odschervank was such a negative presence in your life?" the therapist asked him.

"It's not like I didn't _like _Nel." Nnoitra said. "It's just that every fiber of my being wanted to destroy her, in order to prove that I was her superior in every way by virtue of the fact that she was nothing but a mere woman."

"Now, I'll admit that I don't actually have a whole lot of experience as a therapist, given that violent psychosis is actually a _good _thing in this organization." The therapist said. Also being a 'mere woman', she was understandably annoyed, but given the Nnoitra had that absurd sword-thing within easy reach, she elected not to say anything and keep all her limbs firmly attached. "But to me, that really sounds a lot like you didn't like her."

"Not really, though." Nnoitra said. "I mean yes, I hated her. I hated her with a fiery passion, my every thought was of slaying her for having the gall to pity me, even once. But that doesn't mean I didn't _like _her."

"… actually, it kind of does."

"Huh? It does?"

"… _Yes!"_

"Eh. I guess I'm glad I smashed her head open and threw her off a cliff, then!" Nnoitra said cheerfully. "You know, I really do feel a lot better. Hey, thanks! You know, for a member of a totally inferior gender, you're vaguely passable."

The therapist fought down the suicidal urge to strangle him. "Right then. Next?"

* * *

Hitsugaya sighed. "Okay, we need to clear this up, girls. The fact of the matter is that Gin is an untrustworthy, amoral murderer…"

Gin, still gagged, nodded once to acknowledge the validity of this.

"… Ayasegawa is an idiot…"

"_Hey_!"

"… and Momo is incoherent."

"I am not." Momo said. "I've been quite coherent concerning the Gospel of Lord Aizen."

"That's wonderful Momo, and when we get back to the Soul Society I'm going to get you a lot of exciting medication and introduce you to many wonderful therapists." Hitsugaya said soothingly. "But for just this moment, could you please stay quiet?"  
"Anything for Lord Aizen's beloved boyfriend." Momo said cheerfully.

"… hang onto that thought, Momo, because when we are safe again I'm going to hurt you for having it." Hitsugaya growled. "But for now, I'm just going to move on. Now, girls, as I said… out of this entire group, I'm actually limited to you two and Ikkaku if I'm looking for people who actually contribute some small value. And when you two are at each other's throats, I am left with a support network consisting solely of Ikkaku Madarame. And let's face it: if Ikkaku is my only help, I'm doomed. Over-reliance on Ikkaku could probably get me killed in the middle of my own house, to say nothing of the most dangerous place in Hueco Mundo. I really, really need you two to _stop it_."

"Then tell your…" The two girls began.

"… stalker…" Matsumoto said.

"… strumpet…" Halibel said.

"… to stay out of my business! Being your second-in-command is _my _job!" they both finished.

All right, I'm going to come right out and say this." Hitsugaya said. "Matsumoto… we're bringing her with us."

"_**Oh no we are NOT!" **_Matsumoto snarled.

Holding up one hand to hold of further explosions, he continued, "Miss Halibel. If I don't let you come with us, will you go berserk and try to kill all of us?"

"Of course not! I could never harm _you_, milord, even if I didn't agree with you. I would, however, kill all of your friends in order to create an opening in your group, thus forcing you to bring me along simply because you would not be able to survive without some form of help. I feel that's a logical response." Halibel said.

"And that, Rangiku, is why she's coming with us." Hitsugaya asked.

"… … … that makes a certain sense." Matsumoto agreed. "I still don't like it, though."

"Nobody _likes _it!" Hitsugaya said.

"I like it." Halibel said.

"But the fact of the matter is, we've picked up an Arrancar." Hitsugaya said, continuing as if Halibel had not spoken. "You don't like her, I don't like… well, actually? If we're being honest, I don't hate her. She's bizarre and scary, but she kind of makes up for it in utility. And then there's the _respect. _You know how long it's been since I've gotten genuine, unconditional respect? I _enjoy_ the respect. And she even beat up Gin a few times, which I'm petty enough to admit is like sugar to me. Yeah, there are worse Arrancar we could have picked up. Like… well, basically all of them."

"Captain… I don't approve, but I'll accept that we could use the help. But she _doesn't get my job_." Matsumoto said. "You hear that? _I'm _his number one assistant."

"She's right, Halibel. I can't give you her job, that's just the way it is." Hitsugaya agreed.

"I will serve my lord faithfully." Halibel said serenely.

Matsumoto nodded. "It's good that you understand that."

"I will, of course, be his _third _seat. Which means that, should something unfortunate happen to _you_, I would be promoted to become his wife."

"Vice-captain." Hitsugaya corrected.

"Vice-captain." Halibel said, also serenely. "But of course, that is unlikely. What, after all, are the chances that you will be murdered?"

"Captain Hitsugaya, I suddenly feel unsafe…" Matsumoto said.

* * *

"Zzzzzzz…. Zzzzzzz…" Starrk snored, leaning back on the couch.

"… … … … … … … … … Next!" The therapist said.

Zommari walked in.

"_Not you!_"

Zommari walked out.

* * *

Aizen didn't like to think of himself as a violent man.

Oh, certainly, he was _capable _of violence. But he didn't _enjoy _it, in and of itself. He could walk out into the street and cut down people at random, and not feel the slightest hint of guilt, but he _wouldn't _because there would be no point. He would not _enjoy _it. Violence wasn't something you did for personal satisfaction; it was a means to an end.

Until now.

There was an end. Getting Yachiru out of his castle was the end. But he no longer cared about it.

"Lord Aizen!" Said an Arrancar. He didn't recognize the Arrancar, but it wasn't an Espada.

"BLARGH!" the Arrancar said, collapsing to the floor in a shower of blood.

It was an interesting sensation, causing violence just for the sake of hurting something in order to make himself feel better. He liked it. And if dispensing totally undeserved pain made his unimaginable fury feel a little bit more under control, then he couldn't even _imagine _how fulfilling it would be to stomp Yachiru Kusajishi's obnoxious little face into the floor.

Aizen continued to stalk the halls of Las Noches.

Very quickly, people learned to avoid him.

* * *

"Is there some particular reason that you are not on your knees, begging me to extend your miserable life?" Barragan rumbled.

The therapist sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I have got such a headache…"

"Your majesty." Barragan said.

"What?"

"You should have said 'I have got such a headache, your majesty'."

"… I hate all of you. All of you Espada. I hate each and every last one of you."

"A-hem!"

"… your majesty."

"Better."

"All right, look? Your majesty? I'm going to be completely honest with you." The therapist said. "I'm not even a real therapist. Lord Aizen just took me aside one day and told me I was one, and that was only so he could claim that he offered on-site psychotherapy during recruitment drives."

"He… he has recruitment drives?" Barragan asked.

"No."

"Then _why _did he…"

"You know how sometimes, he screws with our heads for no reason? I think this was one of those times." The therapist said. "My point is, I'm barely qualified to offer psychological advice to people who don't actually _need _it. You people… you're all lunatics. I'm just a normal Arrancar. I get up in the morning, I put my pants on one leg at a time, I feast on the souls of the innocent, I go to sleep at night. I'm not equipped to deal with you lunatics!"

"Ah." Barragan said. "Well, as long as you call me 'your majesty', I don't really care."

"… I honestly can't say if I'm saddened or encouraged by that."

"A-HEM!" Barragan said, patting his axe meaningfully.

"… your majesty."

* * *

"Captain Soi Fon, I really must say I don't approve of this." Ukitake said. Since he was hanging upside down from the ceiling and she was preparing to hack him to pieces like some grotesque parody of a piñata, it was hard to blame him for that.

"Ah. Fortunately, I don't really care what you approve of." Soi Fon said.

"Yes, I was getting that feeling. Just thought I should ask." Ukitake said sadly. "Ah well. When you're killing me, please just try to leave a fairly good-looking corpse? I'm technically still a noble, so the funeral is going to be kind of large. I'd prefer my body be presentable when it's paraded out to be cremated in front of half the Seireitei."

Without a word, Soi Fon drew back her weapon.

"_Stop right there!" _A voice bellowed.

Soi Fon turned to face it, her eyes narrowing. "What are _you _doing here?"

Zaraki yawned, and hobbled into the room. He walked over to Ukitake, leaned down, pried up a floorboard, and pulled out a small package. "Sorry. I just hid some food here a few days ago to keep Yachiru from finding it, and I really, really need to get something in my stomach after that bender I was on. Geez… now, if you'll excuse me, I'm goin' back to sleep…"

"A-hem!" Ukitake said.

"What?!"

"Could you, perhaps, _save me?!_" Ukitake asked.

"Why?"

"_So I don't die!_"

"… Look, man, I'm still kinda drunk, and I'm gonna be really hung over in the morning. So I'm finding it _really hard _to care about you." Zaraki said. "If your sexual bondage games are going wrong, then that's…"

"My _what?!" _

"Oh. Then Soi isn't your dominatrix?"

"_No!_" Ukitake and Soi Fon said in unison.

"… then is this maybe a hallucination? Cause it all looks _really _weird, and like I said I was drinking a _lot_." Zaraki said.

"No. Captain Soi Fon is just trying to kill us." Yamamoto said from his spot hanging next to Ukitake.

"Owwww…" Kyoraku groaned.

"… oh. Well, okay." Zaraki said.

"Soooo… could you save us?" Ukitake said.

"Well… I wasn't gonna… but I guess so. Might clear my head a little." Zaraki said.

Soi Fon narrowed her eyes.

_**Thirty seconds later…**_

"… wow, she is quick." Zaraki said, hanging upside down from the ceiling.

"All right. Let's try this one more time." Soi Fon said.


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note: I was looking over my account, and I couldn't help but notice that this story, by itself, accounts for more than **_**half the reviews that all of my stories have ever gotten. **_**It has more than **_**triple **_**the reviews of the second-highest reviewed story. **

**I guess what I'm trying to say is: I love you guys. **

**Author's Note 2: Nobody actually cares, I'm sure, but the only reason I didn't start calling Halibel 'Harribel' at the same time I added the second R to 'Starrk' is that she ended up being a somewhat more important character than I initially planned, so I decided to stick with what I'd been calling her. Also, I think Halibel is a better name. **

**Chapter 28: It's Possible this Whole Situation got a Little Weird at Some Point. **

Ulquiorra and Zommari sat in the therapist's room. Neither of them looked happy to be there, although in Ulquiorra's case that may have just been because he never looked _anything _to be _anywhere._

"All right, might as well bite the bullet." The therapist said. She no longer appeared to be taking the sessions nearly as seriously as she had been; this was because she no longer _was _taking them seriously. "Mr. Leroux. How did your encounter with the Shinigami make you feel?"

Zommari looked at Ulquiorra, who patted his sword. Zommari sighed, scribbled something down on a small piece of paper, and handed it to Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra read it, nodded once, and said, "No, you may not say this."

Zommari frantically erased it and wrote something new.

"No."

Again.

"_No._"

Again.

"If you're not going to say anything _relevant,_ there is no need for you to speak at all." Ulquiorra said firmly.

Again.

"No, you… wait… this actually makes _sense_. Logical progression of thoughts, relevant to the topic at hand, it doesn't look like the sort of dialogue that would typically be shouted at the top of your lungs... yes. Yes, Zommari, I grant you my permission to speak these words." Ulquiorra said in a satisfied tone.

Zommari smiled in satisfaction.

The therapist, in spite of herself, leaned forward with interest. What, exactly, had he written that was worth speaking? What pearls of wisdom would leap from his mouth?

Zommari opened his mouth.

"_Why won't you take my love?!" _He wailed.

Ulquiorra, his face as close to annoyance as it ever got, raised a single glowing finger.

After the Cero had blasted Zommari through the wall and out of the fortress completely, the therapist shifted some loose rubble off herself and coughed up a little dust. "That wasn't what he wrote down, I take it?"

"You might say that." Ulquiorra agreed.

* * *

"So," Soi Fon said. "I'm really not sure who I should kill first."

"Might I suggest…" Ukitake began.

"I'm kidding of course. You're first." Soi Fon said cheerfully.

"… charming."

"Don't worry, Jushiro! I'll save you!" A familiar voice said.

"… ugh. When did you regain consciousness?" Soi Fon asked, wincing as she did.

Kyoraku gave a smile as best he could through the numerous bruises. "The sight of a beautiful woman tying people up has reinvigorated me, Soi Fon! You have sown the seeds of your own destruction!"

Ukitake sighed. "You know, the sad thing is that I actually kind of believe that."

"Now that my powers have returned, I believe it's time for me to end this charade." Shunsui said, with a confident chuckle.

Soi Fon punched him in the gut.

"ULF! Oh, god, I think you broke something…" Kyoraku said, doubling over in agony.

"That's what I thought." Soi Fon said. "Now, I was going to kill Ukitake first, but I'm all out of rope so I think you've just moved to the top of the list. Hold still…"

"Hahaha… not so fast, Soi Fon! I still have one card left to play!" Kyoraku said.

"… okay, fine. None of the other cards were any good, so I might as well let you play this one. What do you got?" Soi Fon said frankly.

"Prepare…" Shunsui said dramatically, "To face the power of my Zanpakuto! Flowered Breeze Flutters, Flowered…" He began.

Soi Fon kicked him in the face.

"OW! Oh, OW! What the Hell was that for?!"

"You were going to say that entire stupid poem. I decided I didn't feel like waiting for you to do that." Soi Fon said.

"No! That is a bad ninja, that is a bad, bad ninja!" Kyoraku chastised her. "You have to let me finish my release command. It's a rule!"

"He's right, you know. That's just how we do things around here." Ukitake said apologetically. "Otherwise, things would be unfairly biased in favor of the people who have commands like 'snap' and 'dance'. We can't play favorites."

Soi Fon sighed in annoyance. "_Fine. _Do your stupid poem so I can make you eat your own swords."

"HA! You'll regret giving me this chance!" Kyoraku boasted. "Flowered…"

Soi Fon kicked him in the face again.

"OW! Would you _stop that?!"_

"But you just told me I would regret giving you the chance. So I decided not to give it to you." Soi Fon said, her tone suggesting this course of action was blatantly obvious. And remarkably, for the first time in awhile, her tone was _correct_.

"You probably shouldn't have said that, Shunsui." Yamamoto said mildly.

"Kick him again!" Zaraki said.

"OW! Why?!"

"He asked me to." Soi Fon said.

"Ha! I like this lady!" Zaraki said cheerfully.

"Could you please stop encouraging her?!"

"Well, I enjoy violence... and ever since I got hung upside down, all the alcohol in my system is rushing to my head... so no." Zaraki said, even more cheerfully.

Soi Fon shrugged. "Don't worry, it's not like I need an excuse to hurt you, Ex-Captain Kyoraku. Here, watch.."

"OW!"

"See? Didn't need an excuse at all."

Ukitake sighed. "Maybe death won't be so bad after all? I mean, it's not like it would be my first time…"

* * *

"The rules to Eternal Tag are simple." Nel said. "We chase each other through the desert. Screaming. Forever."

Yachiru's eyes widened. "That is the best. Game. Ever."

Nel nodded enthusiastically. "Isn't it, though? Nel thought of it herself!"

Yachiru had decided that Las Noches was both boring and sort of lame, and decided some time ago that maybe going outside would be more interesting. At first, she had been very wrong, discovering to her great shock (Yachiru's long-term memory was not great) that there was nothing outside but an endless desert expanding in all directions.

Then she had met some people who were, and she hadn't known them long nor did she remember the names of most of them because they were sort of longish, but she still felt like she could call them this: the best people in the universe who weren't Ken-chan.

First was tall guy. Tall guy was _great_. He couldn't exactly remember her name, but that was okay because Yachiru hadn't actually remembered his name, nor had she actually noticed that he didn't know hers. Whatever the case was, tall guy was totally fun to be around although Yachiru wasn't sure why since he wasn't really good at anything.

Next was fat guy. Fat guy was… hmmmm… actually, fat guy was pretty much the same as tall guy, except he cried more often. But that was all right, whatever.

And of course, big worm. Big worm was a big worm, which would have been more than enough to have earned Yachiru's admiration all by itself. But you could also ride on top of big worm's head. _Wow._

And finally, Nel. Yachiru remembered Nel's name because it was nice, and short, and Nel said her own name roughly once every five seconds. This was perfectly fine by Yachiru, who _forgot _Nel's name roughly every five seconds and, on at least one occasion, had started to think her _own _name was Nel. Luckily, Nel was there to remind her who she was, although occasionally Nel got a little confused too, and tall guy and fat guy were _no_ help.

So yeah. It was basically that kind of a meeting.

"Nel can't tell you how happy she was to meet another Arrancar like herself." Nel said, patting Yachiru on the shoulder.

"Another what like who?"

"Don't get Nel wrong, she likes Dondochakka and Pesche…"

"Who and who?"

"… But Nel is happy to have a sister!"

Yachiru's eyes began to fill up with tears. "Sis… sister? I've… I've never had any sisters…"

"Well, now you do!"

"Really? Who?" Yachiru asked.

"I… I don't know." Nel said.

Silence.

"So, would you like to play Eternal Tag now?" Nel asked.

"Play what?" Yachiru asked.

"… I forget." Nel said thoughtfully. "Pesche, what were we going to do?"

"I don't know." Dondochakka replied.

"Did I ask you?" Nel wondered.

"Did you?" Pesche answered.

"What's going on?" Yachiru asked.

"I forget." Dondochakka replied.

"Bwaaaargh." Bawabawa said.

"Good point!" Yachiru said.

"Who made a good point?" Nel asked.

"Wasn't it you?" Pesche asked.

Silence again.

"So, who wants to play Eternal Tag?" Nel asked cheerfully.

"What are the rules?"

* * *

Ulqiorra stared at the ceiling. He didn't say anything.

The Arrancar Therapist cleared her throat, but she also didn't say anything.

This continued for a long, long time. A long, silent time.

"So… um… did you actually want any therapy?" The therapist said, reasoning that even if she wasn't a real therapist, she should at least make a tiny effort to act like one, and talking was a good start to that.

"No."

"And how were you planning to deal with your phobia? I'm just curious, is all. I mean, I thought this entire thing was your idea."

"I never actually feared the Shinigami. I simply realized that even if he truly has lost the madness that made him so powerful, he has enlisted Halibel as an ally. She outranks me, and if I had tried to attack him by myself, she would have ripped me to pieces. I would prefer to leave her to one of the higher-ranked Espada, so I thought it would be prudent to get them treated first."

The therapist nodded. "And you're not just making this entire story up to make yourself sound cooler?"

"… … … I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're _sure _you don't want any therapy?"

"You're not actually a therapist, so it wouldn't really matter if I did."

"Oh, you knew about that?"

"Unlike some of the other Espada… most of the other Espada… _all _of the other Espada, I actually pay some attention to the world around me." Ulquiorra said.

"I see. That must be tough."

"How so?"

"Well, having to spend time with those people. Talk to them. Not just for a little bit, but to spend time in long meetings with them. For hours at a time…" The therapist said, her voice drifting off. "I mean, I can barely handle them for a few minutes at a time. To have to be near them _all the time_..."

Ulquiorra looked around the room, as if to make sure that there was nobody hiding in the room with them. Then, with a twinge of something that might have been emotion in his eyes, he said, "I hate them. All of them. I hate them all _so much_, you have _no idea_."

"Oh, I think I have a rough estimate."

"Were you aware that Grimmjow and Nnoitora have _both _challenged me to a duel every day since we've met? They have no reason to do so, they just do that to all of the Espada who outrank them. I don't know why. Some insane urge to prove they should be higher numbers, or maybe they just enjoy getting their heads smashed into the ground repeatedly by people much more powerful than they are."

"Having talked to them, I can honestly say it's probably a little of both, mixed with a heaping helping of 'completely stupid'."

"And they're not the worst. Barragan insists on us treating him like he's the god-king of the universe, Starrk is completely useless for anything that doesn't manage to personally catch his interests... and we have yet to discover anything that _does _catch his interests, or if he even truly has any interests to catch... Yammy is a rampaging moron, Zommari is… well, you've met Zommari." Ulquiorra said, gesturing to the hole in the wall from when he'd blasted Zommari out of the building. "Aaroniero and Szayel are just… odd. They are odd, odd people, and I do not enjoy spending time with them. And to make matters worse... had you asked me yesterday, I would have told you the Halibel was the only vaguely likable one out of the bunch. And now, I can't say that about her. I am utterly alone in a sea of lunatics, idiots, and idiotic lunatics."

"That must be very hard for you."

"It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't sometimes have the feeling that Lord Aizen arranged it that way on purpose, specifically to toy with my head for no reason. He…"

"… does that sometimes." The therapist finished, her own shoulders slumped in depression.

"You know, the more I consider this, the more I think that perhaps I _do _need a therapist."

"Look, I'm not a professional. But I say: if you have all of these emotions inside, bottling them up isn't going to help in the long run. There's no reason not to let them out."

"You do realize that, as a Hollow, if I truly released all of my pent up feelings and emotions, the first thing I would do is kill and eat you, a smaller, weaker Hollow?" Ulquiorra asked.

"… … … actually, bottle them up. Bottle up _all _your emotions. And as for your phobia? Bottle that up too. There's no way that could be unhealthy. Bottle the _crap _out of it." The therapist said in abject terror.

"Don't worry. I was probably going to do that no matter what you said."

* * *

Hitsugaya sat in the corner, clutching his head in his hands. "Why… why… why?!"

Halibel patted him on the back. "It's all right, milord. We shall find your missing slave and escape soon."

"You know the worst part of it? I don't even give a damn about her. I couldn't care less if we find Yachiru or not, personally. In fact? I think I'd be happier if we didn't. I don't like her. But then there's… this." Hitsugaya said, waving his arm at Las Noches in general. "If there's one thing I hate more than Yachiru… and I didn't think there was, but it might have finally happened… it's this _castle_. I really, completely, _loathe _this castle. I think the only reason I'm still looking for Yachiru at all is that I refuse to allow this castle to defeat me."

"Why? I mean, other than the largeness, it's not such a bad…" Matsumoto began.

"I _also _despise this castle, milord." Halibel interrupted. "Might I say that I admire your taste in recognizing its awfulness?"

"… … I am going to stab you. Stab you _so much_." Matsumoto said.

"It's not that the castle is way, way too large. I mean, don't get me wrong: it is." Hitsugaya said. "Why would _anyone _have a fortress the size of a major city? It's pointlessly inefficient. I mean, the Seireitei is the size of a city because it _is _a city. But Las Noches here is even _bigger _than that, and there's only… what, two-hundred people here?"

"… a little less than that, actually." Halibel admitted.

"You see?! You see?!" Hitsugaya said desperately. "It makes no sense! Let me ask you, Halibel…"

Halibel sighed. "He knows my name…" She said in a dreamy voice.

"… has Aizen ever wondered _why _anyone and their mother can just walk into his fortress? Because I've got a clue: _he's got an army the size of a football team trying to defend an area the size of a small country. _Of course, I imagine that their invasion will be halted by this freaking architecture! I mean, look at this!" He said, gesturing around the room they were in. "This room is full of pillars! Nothing but pillars! Why?"

"They hold up the ceiling?" Ikkaku theorized.

"They don't even reach the ceiling!"

"… huh. Well, I guess they… huh." Ikkaku said.

"There is literally no purpose for this room! Who builds a room full of nothing but useless pillars?!"

Halibel coughed. "Um… well, Lord Gin said… um… that we should put in good places for fight scenes. You know, big empty spaces, places filled with destructible objects, that sort of thing."

Hitsugaya's eye began to twitch. "Oh… oh God, I wasn't actually serious. I… I assumed there must have been _some _purpose! You're legitimately saying that this fortress was designed to have places where the battles would _look _better, rather than being designed to make the battles easier to win?! You are _actually saying this?!_"

Halibel held her hands up defensively. "It wasn't my idea, milord! And my own quarters are far less ridiculous!" She fell silent in thought for a moment. "In fact, why don't I show them to you? Perhaps they will make you like this castle. They are quite tastefully decorated. My bed is particularly nice. I could let you examine it in detail. For several hours. With EEK!" Halibel said as Matsumoto clamped a hand onto her ear and dragged her away from Hitsugaya.

"I have to put up your presence. But there's only so much creepiness I'm willing to put up with in a day." Matsumoto said calmly.

"I was just saying that I would be perfectly willing to allow Lord Hitsugaya to conduct an in-depth inspection of my bedchambers! And if I happened to be there while this happened, and the door was locked from the inside and some romantic music was playing and a bottle of expensive wine just _happened _to be there, that would certainly be no fault of mine."

Matsumoto looked somewhat lost. "… what did I _just say _about creepiness?!"

"Ah. Then you _really _don't want to hear what I will have done to _you _in order to get this alone time with my lord." Halibel said primly.

Matsumoto stepped back.

Ikkaku yawned and turned to Ayasegawa. "You know… we haven't actually _done _anything in like… six hours, have we?"

"I'll confess, I thought we would have found Yachiru by now." Ayasegawa admitted.

"We're looking for Yachiru?"

* * *

Ichigo leapt from rooftop to rooftop, looking for something to do. Anything, really. Anything at all.

No way it could possibly go wrong. Really.

* * *

"Okay." Kyoraku said, sporting several new bruises and holding two massive swords. "Now that I've… _finally_… been allowed to release my Shikai…"

"It's your own fault for having a long command." Soi Fon said petulantly.

"… it's time for me to finally step into the limelight! Finally, the one to end your reign of terror has arrived, Soi Fon!" Kyoraku proclaimed dramatically.

"I'll go out with you if you drop your swords." Soi Fon said.

Kyoraku dropped his swords.

"_Shunsui!_" Ukitake snarled.

Kyoraku picked up his swords. "Sorry, sorry." He said. "HA! Did you think that would work?"

"It _did _work. I just don't respect you enough to take advantage of every one of the countless, countless openings you leave." Soi Fon said.

"Your tune will change once I show you my Zanpakuto's true power!" Kyoraku said.

Soi Fon kicked him in the face.

"OW! Oh, ow! Would you _stop that?!_"

"No."

"Kick him again!" Zaraki cheered.

Soi Fon kicked him again.

"OW! Oh, that is _it_, I am going Shikai on this bitch." Kyoraku growled. "Prepare to face Katen Kyokotsu's true power!"

Soi Fon yawned. "Which is?"

"Heh, heh, heh… my Zanpakuto has the power… to make children's games into reality."

Soi Fon blinked in confusion a few times. "… … … … really?"

"Heh… it's actually dangerous to me as well. Everyone caught within the area of my sword's power has no choice but to play by its games, even me." Kyoraku said.

"… … … … _really_?" Soi Fon asked.

"Once the sword has picked a game, both I and my opponent must play. The winner gets… to live." Kyoraku finished dramatically.

"… … … … _**really**_?" Soi Fon asked.

Ukitake sighed. "Yes. Yes, really." He said reluctantly.

"That is… that doesn't even sound _real_." Soi Fon complained.

"Oh, you will see the truth of my power… right now!" Kyoraku said, holding aloft his twin blades. They howled with intense power.

"Very well! The game is… ping pong!" Kyoraku said. A table appeared from nowhere, and his two swords turned into paddles, one of which he handed to Soi Fon.

"… you cannot be serious."

"I am completely serious!"

"I hate you. I hate you _so much_."

He smiled and held up the ball. "My serve."

* * *

Aaroniero said, "Sometimes I feel like I've been overlooked, is all. I mean, at first, I was really happy. I mean, I'm really just a Gillian, but I'm still in the Espada, and that's a huge honor, you know? But I feel that even though I'm an Espada, nobody _really _takes me seriously."

"… I'm sorry." The therapist said. "I just… how do you pronounce your name again?"

Aaroniero sighed. "Aaroniero Arrer… errieu… ugh, you know what? Let's just go with Arleri. Aaroniero Arleri."

The therapist said, "… yeah, I'm still not sure. Maybe if you stopped talking in that crazy 'two voices at once' thing that you do?"

"Look, that's just how my voice sounds. I can't help it if I have two heads."

"Yes, yes, two heads in a fishbowl, I forgot. That was rude of me, sorry I brought it up." The therapist said. "So, when did these feelings of inferiority start?"

"I don't have feelings of inferiority! Why, I am a full-fledged Espada, and I am the only Arrancar with the power of limitless evolution! By devouring other Hollows, I have acquired over 30,000 distinct powers!"

"Oh? What are some of them?"

"I have the full power of the Shinigami Kaien Shiba! Also I have tentacles! Also, I have 29,998 other powers!" Aaroniero said.

"… that was oddly nonspecific."

"_You _are oddly nonspecific!"

"What?"

"Your _mom _is oddly nonspecific!"

"What _are _you talking about?"

Aaroniero fell silent for a moment… then began to cry. "All right! I admit it! Every single Hollow I've ever eaten has only had the power to have tentacles! Kaien is actually the only real power I really have!"

"Wow. Really? Then how did you get on the Espada?"

"I _don't know!_" Aaroniero said mournfully. "I just told Lord Aizen I had 30,000 powers, and he _believed me_! He didn't ask me to demonstrate any of them, he just branded some tattoos on me and called it a day! I don't know what he was thinking… maybe he was drunk, maybe he wasn't paying attention, maybe…

The therapist sighed, "… he was just screwing with your head for fun?"

"Yeah, maybe! Whatever the case, it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I've been living in mortal terror of being found out ever since that day! I mean, what the Hell am I going to do? I'm gonna get kicked out of the Espada, I'll have to go live with that jackass Dordonii and the others in the Super Losers Club… I'm sorry, that's what we call the Privaron Espada."

"I was able to guess that."

"Shinigamiphobia? HA! My entire _life _is one big case of _everythingphobia! _You know I sometimes sit up at night praying that if Hueco Mundo is ever invaded, it will be by people Kaein Shiba could beat? Because that way I could look useful, and then maybe people will stop asking me to show off one of my 30,000 powers! It's been a nightmare!" Aaroniero sobbed.

The therapist patted him consolingly on the shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, that's actually a much better reason to need therapy than anyone else today has had."

* * *

As Hitsugaya watched Halibel and Matsumoto exchange what seemed to be their fiftieth death-glare that second, Momo stare vaguely into space, Ikkaku and Ayasegawa discuss what they wanted for dinner, and Gin being bound and gagged, something inside of him snapped.

"You know what? You know _what? _I'm done. With this mission, this place, and you people. I have had enough of all of this." Hitsugaya said.

"What? Look, I'm frustrated too, but we can't just…" Matsumoto began.

"_Excellent _plan, milord." Halibel said.

"You see, Hally, that's the kind of thinking that gets people made third seat. Good job." Hitsugaya said to Halibel. She was probably smiling, and definitely blushing. "I mean, let's face it: we are _not _finding Yachiru. The longer we stay here, the more potential for something to go wrong, so we really should get out of here while we still can. Look at it this way: you came in with five people. You're leaving with _six. _That's what you planned to do anyway, right? It's not your fault they weren't the exact six you planned on. Plus, we're killing Gin before we leave. So in the end, you've done a great thing here, Matsumoto. I'm recommending you for a commendation."

"Oh! Well, that's great, it's nice to be… wait, wait! You're trying to distract me!" Matsumoto said. "Clever, quite clever…"

"There's no need to distract _me, _milord. I will follow any course of action you deem best." Halibel said serenely. "Even if it _is _foolish, like a certain… choice in subordinates…"

"Oh, that is _it. _I can put up with you whoring it up for the Captain, but if you don't cut out this 'angling for my job' crap, I swear by all that is holy I will slice open your perfect, perfect skin!" Matsumoto snapped.

"Try it, wench! I'll strangle you with your own amazing hair!" Halibel said.

Hitsugaya stepped between them and held up his hands in a placating gesture. "Yes, that's wonderful, you're both pretty, how nice. Here's what we're going to do…"

"Milord, which of us is _prettier, _in your…"

"Well, that's not even a choice, obviously the Captain prefers…" Matsumoto began.

"_Here's what we're going to do!" _Hitsugaya snapped. "I am going to open _one _more door. If Yachiru is there, we take her with us. If she is not, we leave and never come back. And either way, I swear I will leave anyone who complains behind to rot with Gin's corpse after I stab him to death."

"Mmmmmmf!" Gin protested.

"Shut up, Gin." Hitsugaya said. He then, true to his word, chose a door at random and opened it.

On the other side, his own arm outstretched as if to reach for the doorknob that had just moved out of his reach, stood Sosuke Aizen.

Aizen blinked a few times.

Gin started to laugh.

Hitsugaya sighed and rubbed his temples. "Well, that's... that's just great. That's just _great_."

And Gin just laughed harder.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29: Any Mind Worth Snapping is Worth Snapping Twice**

"Well, this sucks." Hitsugaya said.

It seemed appropriate.

"To. Shi. Ro." Aizen said, savoring each syllable of Hitsugaya's name as if it were made of delectable chocolate and he were eating it. "Not who I was looking for, but you'll do. Oh, you'll do."

"Look, Aizen, it's been a long freakin' day, so if you'll just _go away_, we can get out of your fortress and you don't have to risk doing anything that will make the day _longer_." Hitsugaya said. He realized that he probably should have been scared, but he just wasn't. All he could manage was some indefinable emotion that was somewhere in the middle of 'annoyed', 'angry', and 'depressed'.

"On any other day, I might consider it." Aizen said. "On _any _other day, I might look at my losses… my horrible, horrible losses, and say 'Why, I don't feel like having anymore of my army slaughtered or anymore of my elite guard traumatized or anymore of the masonry ripped off my castle'."

"Stupid castle was too big anyway. Demolishing a few wings could only improve it." Hitsugaya muttered.

"But not today, Toshiro. Do you know _why_?" Aizen asked.

"Do I care?" Hitsugaya asked. "I think I can see where this is going, so..."

Momo said, "Please try to be more polite to Captain Aizen, Toshiro. We are guests in his house, after all." Momo said severely.

"First of all, Momo: His house sucks. I hate his house, possibly more than I hate anything else in the universe except _him_. Second: Would you _please _shut up? We'll get you your medicine soon, so just try to stop talking until then." Hitsugaya said.

"Shall I kill her for you, Milord?" Halibel asked.

"No! And stop asking that unless someone is trying to kill _me!_" Hitsugaya said.

"Go ahead, I don't really care about her." Aizen said.

"I was talking to him," Halibel said, pointing at Hitsugaya.

"… … … why?" Aizen asked.

Halibel stared at Hitsugaya. She continued to stare for several very long, awkward seconds. Then she blushed and sighed in contentment. "Why _not_?" She asked.

Aizen blinked a few times in confusion before shrugging. "All right. Fine. So we'll be needing a new Tres Espada, wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Maybe one of your Fraccion? We really _should _have at least one girl in the group. And Szayel doesn't count."

"Look, Aizen, do we _really _have to do this? There's no way you could be convinced to drop it and just let us leave with all our blood? How about we trade you Gin for our safety? You like Gin." Hitsugaya said.

"Oh, Gin? Don't worry, everyone but myself is expendable to me. You can go ahead and kill him before I kill you if you want to, I don't mind." Aizen said.

Gin said something that was muffled by his gag but which might have been 'Screw you, Sosuke!'

Hitsugaya sighed in annoyance. "Dammit, Aizen, would you listen to yourself? If _another _big fight starts here, what do you gain, exactly? You lose Gin. You lose another couple floors off your fortress, which is already not in the best condition. And you kill off a couple Shinigami in exchange? Wouldn't the smarter move be to draw back and wait for the chance to kill us at a more tactically advantageous moment, like when we aren't in your house? Nobody wants us to get into a bloody battle to the death right now!"

"I do! Please, _please _get into a bloody battle to the death, milord!" Halibel said.

"Nobody _normal _wants a bloody battle to the death right now." Hitsugaya clarified. "My point is: Just back down. You get some time to fix your house and get your army back up to speed, we get to... y'know, live. We'll all get back together and kill each other when we're at our best. See reason, man. Let's not make a bad day worse!"

"As I said before: any other day, I might even consider your words. There's a certain wisdom to them. But not today. Because_ today_… I have seen the light." Aizen said. "You see, Young Miss Kusajishi has taught me a valuable lesson about the world." Aizen said.

Hitsugaya thought back to his own 'enlightenment', or rather the few fuzzy flashes of memory he had of it. "Yeah, in a couple hours that lesson isn't going to seem as good as it does now. Trust me on this one."

"I never used to think of myself as a sadist, Toshiro. I took no pleasure in the pain and suffering of others… until now. I have realized for myself the true joy that can arise from inflicting horrible, horrible injuries upon others for no reason other than my own satisfaction." Aizen said, drawing his sword with a distinctly unbalanced expression on his face. "I want you to appreciate this, Toshiro, because… while I would have killed you eventually anyway, just because you're a Captain and none of you have place in my new world order… never before would I have enjoyed it _so much_."

"You have no idea how little comfort that provides me." Hitsugaya said.

Halibel sighed in adoration, looking at the impending battle like a normal person might look upon the most wonderful meal they've ever seen. "Lord Hitsugaya, feel free to do battle with him for as long as you desire."

"I don't _desire _to do it at all!"

"Ah, so your lust for blood is so intense that you _need _to make brutal war upon him! I understand." Halibel said, nodding in satisfaction.

"You know, Halibel, sometimes I wonder if what I say and what you hear are the same thing."

Halibel sighed. "He _still _knows my name…"

"… and now I'm not wondering anymore. Just what I needed in my life, _another _girl who only listens to every other word I say. Maybe you and Rangiku can each start hearing _different _words, then after I finish speaking you can compare notes and actually get the entire thought." Hitsugaya said dryly.

"Captain? Not to interrupt you… but, um… we're all about to die?" Matsumoto interjected. "Shouldn't you be taking this a little more seriously?"

Aizen smiled at her. "Perhaps he's simply recognized that he doesn't have the slightest prayer of survival, no matter what he does? It's not as though he can _defeat _me. Perhaps before, when his berserker rage afforded him an advantage, but now? He's seen my shikai. I have total control over his mind… all of your minds, in fact. Everything you see, hear, smell, taste and touch. There is absolutely no hope of any of you even _scratching _me."

"Yes, that sounds about right. We don't have a chance!" Momo said cheerfully.

Gin, still sitting off to the side, chuckled.

And that, Gin's chuckle, was the absolute last straw.

Toshiro Hitsugaya was having a bad day. A bad couple of days, in fact. His best friend was cheering on their worst enemy, he had a Hollow following him around and she was really way too affectionate, he was trapped in the depths of the worst building _ever_, he couldn't find a girl he didn't want to find, and Rangiku had been sort of whiny lately. Oh, and he was about to die.

No, that wasn't even all of it! His headquarters were, after all, still a pile of ashes. His house was still covered in water damage. All of his spare uniforms and coats had been in one of the two, which meant the only one he had left was the one he was wearing, and it was covered in blood that would almost certainly never quite come out… which meant he'd be wearing _pink _to work for at least a few weeks.

But Gin _laughing _at him was more than he could take. It wasn't a great laugh, since he was gagged, but the bound and gagged _bastard _was still sitting in the corner chuckling. That was the worst of it. Worse than Aizen's slightly insane superiority, worse than Rangiku and Halibel fighting like a pair of cats shoved in a bag together, worse than Ikkaku being useless and Yumichika being _less _than useless, worse even than Momo's insistence that their death at Aizen's hands would be the absolute most awesome thing ever. None of it was worse than Gin's. Damn. Laughter.

It was all too much. A man can only be the universe's chewtoy for so long. Toshiro Hitsugaya listened to that smug, muffled laughter… and for the second time in recent memory, he snapped.

But not like Aizen had. Not even like he himself had before. It wasn't quite certain why... perhaps he was already so close to crazy that this last snapping pushed him _past _crazy. Perhaps his subconscious remembered that 'crazy' had gotten him chained to wall and, realizing it did not work, chose to try something different. Perhaps this time, when he snapped, he was just snapped in the opposite direction.

Whatever the cause might have been, this much was certain: Toshiro Hitsugaya did not lose his mind. If anything, he _found _it.

Toshiro looked up at Aizen, and he didn't look angry. Or sad, or scared, or annoyed, or _anything_. He was smiling, a very tiny, calm little smile that suggested he'd just seen something mildly, but not very, amusing. A tiny curving of the mouth which barely qualified for a smile in any sense of the word, and which certainly did not convey much in the way of joy. He then said, in a very, very calm voice, "Don't worry, Rangiku, everyone. Everything is going to be just fine."

Aizen blinked. "No, it _really _isn't."

Hitsugaya chose to ignore this and asked, "Would you like to know why it's going to be okay? Because it really is quite fascinating. I know I was fascinated."

"Um… why is that, sir?" Matsumoto asked, the strange calm making _her _feel calmer as well. It was like the entire room was simply bathed in serenity that even Aizen seemed unable to completely ignore.

"Because I," he said serenely, "Have figured it out."

"… … what?" Ikkaku asked in spite of himself.

"The world. I've figured out how the world works." Hitsugaya said. "Would you like to know the Truth?"

"I would. I truly would." Halibel said, her expression seemingly mesmerized.

"Oh, for the love of… I do _not _have time for this. Just close you eyes and prepare to…" Aizen said, pulling his arm back.

"Hmmmmmmmff!" Gin mumbled urgently, motioning for Aizen to stop talking before turning his eyes back to Hitsugaya.

"… fine." Aizen grumbled.

"The Truth of the world is this: Things _will _go badly. They just will. I don't know why, but they always will. It's a recent event, but it has become an indelible fact of the universe. Things will go badly, and the harder I try to make them _not _go badly, the worse they'll go. But it is not just me… Ukitake. Byakuya. Those around me also suffer… and like me, they suffer when they try to make their lives better. When they _oppose _the will of the Universe. Before, there was a time when my madness made me believe that the Eleventh Division knew the truth of the universe. They do not. How could they? They don't know anything. They're total morons."

"_Hey!_" Ikkaku and Yumichika said.

"But they have _found _it, they're just too stupid to recognize this fact. They _do not try. _They do not even think, they just… wander forward and do whatever random thing comes up. But they don't _try_. I do not have to be insane, like them, I just have to be _unconcerned_. If I do that, then the fog will lift, my life will realign itself, and the punishments will fall upon those who don't go with the flow. I simply need... to stop trying." Hitsugaya stopped to smile slightly at Aizen. "Now, take Aizen here. He is trying. He is trying veryhard. He really, truly wants to kill us all. And because he's trying so hard to do that, trying to make _things better_ for himself… things aren't going to go well for him. That is simply what will happen; I don't even have to do anything. I have seen the pattern of the Universe, and that is just what's going to occur. It is inevitable."

Aizen's eyes narrowed. "Right. Maybe you _are _still insane."

"Oh, no. I am sane. I am so very, very sane right this moment, you have _no idea._" Hitsugaya said in a very, very frighteningly sane tone. "If you had the _slightest _idea how sane I am, you would be running for your life, believe me. But you don't. You'll stay, and you'll doubt me… and in the end, you're going to pay for it. Not because of anything I did, because I'm not going to do anything. You'll pay because you tried too hard."

Aizen raised his sword and said, "You just keep telling yourself that. The thought that you were hopeful when I killed you will just make the murder taste that much sweeter."

Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Ayasegawa drew their weapons, but it was painfully obvious they would not make it in time to intercept.

Gin smirked viciously around his gag.

Halibel squeed in delight.

And Hitsugaya smiled in a very sane manner.

* * *

The warrior dove, her breath pounding through her lungs and sweat stinging her eyes. The target was small, and the enemy ruthless, but her skills were equal to the task, this she knew. She would have one and only one shot to pierce her foe's defenses and claim utter victory, but her conviction was strong and her aim was true.

Her weapon sliced through the air, aiming for the total and final obliteration of her hated foe. And after so much blood, sweat, and tears… that true victory was finally, _finally _hers!

The ball bounced off the table and sailed under Kyoraku's arm. Soi Fon threw back her head and laughed maniacally. "Finally! Finally! 11 to 9! By the official rules of ping-pong, I _win! _And now after debasing myself by playing this insipid game with you like a _moron _for the last hour, I at least get the joy of watching your own sword gut you!"

Shunsui shrugged. "Katen Kyokotsu says 'best two out of three'."

"… … … what?"

"Best two out of three. We have to play again, at least once more."

"… … … _what?!_"

"Hey, I don't make the rules. I just… hmmm? Eh? Oh, okay." Kyoraku said, carrying on half of a conversation. "Katen Kyokotsu says we're gonna need two more people. Says he'd like to play jump-rope."

"… … … _**what?!**_" Soi Fon futilely protested. But even as she did so, the paddle shifted in her hand to leave her holding one end of a rope, the other end in Kyoraku's grip where his own paddle had been.

"Well, you see, if we're jumping, we're going to need two people to hold the ends of the rope and swing it for us…" Kyoraku explained patiently.

"_**I know how jump-rope works!**_" Soi Fon roared.

Kyoraku winced. "Just making sure."

* * *

As she sent Aaro... Aaororo... the one in the ruffled outfit out of her office, having left him firmly convinced that just because the only power he had was tentacles, that didn't make him any less of an Espada than the other nine (and discreetly not mentioning that she was of this opinion only because the other nine Espada were _every bit _as pathetic as him), the Arrancar Therapist steeled herself for the battle to come. One left.

This was going to be a bad one, the Therapist knew.

Szayel Apollo-Grantz was the looniest of the Espada even under the best of circumstances. Even looking directly at him gave the person looking a roughly fifty-percent chance of ending up shoved into a vat full of formaldehyde with a tube in their brain. And that was when he was _normal. _Now that he was reduced to a babbling more-maniac-than-usual, certain precautions needed to be taken.

"Now, Mr. Grantz, I want you to understand that I truly appreciate the bond that needs to exist between doctor and patient for healing to take place." She said. "So you may be wondering why I am sitting in such a way that I can jump out the window if needed. And why I have insisted that Mr. Ulquiorra sit in on your session and why I have placed him between us."

"I was actually wondering that as well." Ulquiorra said.

"Well, I don't want you to think that it's because I'm not truly dedicated to helping you. I am. I really, really truly am. It's just that I am also _very scared _of you. And if some twisted corner of your mind decides that you'd like to randomly dissect me, or do something even worse? I'd like to make sure that I have a bigger target in the room and a means of quick escape. All in the interests of your health, of course."

"Devil… tiny devil…" Szayel said.

"Right, then. As long as you understand." The therapist said, choosing to take this as a sign of acceptance.

"She comes… she comes from nowhere. The tiny devil. I know not her name. I know not from where she approaches. I know not to where she returns. Perhaps… perhaps I am not _meant _to know. Perhaps if I knew these things, I would seek nothing so much as to _undo _the knowing of them. Perhaps I should retreat into the black recesses of my mind, the places where the spiders gnaw at my thoughts, and forget her. Such a thing would destroy me, but… would that be better? Would I be willing to surrender all other knowledge to escape the nightmares she has left me? Perhaps mindlessness would be the better choice. Yes, perhaps I should take oblivion rather than continue to experience this pain, for I have seen my own mind and I have not the strength to fight. I have _not_." Szayel said.

"… … …" Ulquiorra said.

"I… I may be a little out of my league, here." The Therapist admitted. "What do _you _think we should do, Mr. Ulquiorra?"

"How should I know? I am not a therapist."

"Neither am I!"

"Well, no, but you are pretending to be one."

"And now I'm 'pretending' that I don't have any idea what to do!"

"… well, we could just leave him like this. People would probably just assume he was engaged in some kind of self-experiment; it would probably be a few weeks before they _really _started to even notice. And, when they do, well… it's not as though anyone actually _likes _him."

"Is… is that ethical?"

"Do we care?" Ulquiorra asked frankly.

The Arrancar Therapist thought back, briefly, to the time when she had been taking with one of her friends in the medical department and Szayel had walked by with Nnoitra, the two of them loudly talking about how much they didn't like women and Szayel proclaiming that, 'The next woman I see, the _very next one_, will be dissected, useless thing that she is. Unless it's Halibel, she'd hurt me.'

"No," She said. "We really don't."

Ulquiorra nodded. "Well then, I believe the sessions are all completed."

"I guess so. I never met with Mr. Yammy, though..."

"He'll be fine. If he starts to get out of hand I'll just tell him that he came back for a second session and that fixed all his problems. That should work. He's a very zen creature, when you get to know him."

"Well, if you say so. I suppose that, all told, seven out of ten isn't _bad_, although I can't say for sure that I really _helped _most of you. Or… um… well… _any _of you." She said. "Let's put it this way. You're all crazy. But I think you're at least back to being the right _kind _of crazy."

"Horrible… pink… hair…" Szayel moaned.

The Therapist blinked. "But… don't _you _have pink hair?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Szayel screamed, running out of the room.

The other two Arrancar watched this with slightly confused expressions before eventually just deciding to forget about it. "Well, thank you for your dubious assistance… is your title 'doctor'?"

"Not really."

"Well, thank you in any event, pseudo-doctor. Now, as I recall, certain of our members were planning to kill you when we were finished… I shall not be reminding them of this fact, which should leave you more or less safe."

"I appreciate that."

"But please? Do keep in mind that at least three of us have a tendency to commit random murder. No promise of safety is ever completely guaranteed."

"It's all right. I'm sure as long as I don't speak to any of you and just keep to myself, I'll be…" She began.

"BLAAAAARGH!" Yammy said as he suddenly burst through the wall of the office.

"_What the-?!" _The Therapist began. She didn't quite manage to finish the sentence before he charged across the room in her direction, and, for no discernable reason, head-butted her.

"… oooow…" She said, bleeding.

Yammy nodded in satisfaction. "All right! That worked perfectly!"

"Yammy?" Ulquiorra said.

"Yeah?"

"… … … might I ask why you felt the need to do that?"

"Well, I just got my mind fixed, right? I needed to make sure it was workin' right." Yammy said.

"… by smashing the therapist with your head?"

"My _mind _is in my _head, _Ulquiorra." Yammy said, his tone suggesting that he thought Ulquiorra might just be the biggest idiot in the world.

"I… hate… you… people…" the Therapist groaned.

Yammy looked down at her. "Hey, when did you get here?" He asked.

Were Ulquiorra the more emotional sort, he probably would have let out a long-suffering sigh. However, he simply closed his eyes and said, "Let's just go, Yammy."

* * *

Soi Fon disentangled her legs from the jump-rope in disgust. "For the love of all that's holy, is there anything you idiots _can _do?!" She snapped at the two ninja she'd press-ganged into being their rope-holders. "It's like you were _actively trying _to make me lose!"

The ninjas had the good grace to look embarassed. "S-sorry, milady, it's just that we thought we should use our ninja arts to help you win, and... well, as it turned out, using our ninja weapons training just made the rope faster and harder to jump over..."

"So why did you do it _twice?! _After you saw it didn't work in the first round, you decided to make me lose again instead of doing it to _him_?!"

"... we thought we might have just done it wrong the first time. We wanted to be sure."

"Right. That's wonderful. Good job. Congratulations on your thoroughness. _I'm having you both assassinated_." Soi Fon growled. The ninjas, heads hung low in shame, wandered off.

Kyoraku smirked. "You lose, Captain. I believe that this game is mine."

"… Fine. I've been taken by your sword's reiatsu, I'm subject to the rules of the game. Finish me." She grumbled.

"Oh, believe me, I… hmmm? Oh, you cannot be… but I just…! _Fine!" _Kyoraku said in annoyance. "Best three out of five."

"… what?"

"Katen Kyokotsu wants to play to best three out of five. We have to do at least one more round. Oh, and he wants to play hopscotch now, so we'll need some chalk." Kyoraku said.

"… why?!" Soi Fon asked in disbelief.

"Because we kind of need the chalk to draw the pattern on the ground to, you know, jump on…"

"_Not that! _You'd _won! _Why are we still playing?!"

"What part of 'Katen Kyokotsu makes the rules' did you not understand?"

"But… but… what kind of sentient weapon would steal victory from _itself?!_ You are it's wielder, so your victory is its victory! You won and it turned on you! This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! Why would it _possibly _do such a thing?!"

Kyoraku shrugged. "Because it wanted to play hopscotch."

"… … … I realize that this situation benefits me and I shouldn't be complaining, but… I hate that sword _so much_." Soi Fon said.

* * *

"Hmmmm… what's the best way to put this?" Ichigo said. "I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be… you know, important. Like important events happen around me. But they aren't, lately. Orihime and Rukia are in Soul Society, Renji's taking a vacation after Toshiro tried to kill him by accident, Chad and Uryu are… um… I don't really know and I'm not sure I want to know. Sooooo… I'm bored. None of my friends are around and there's nothing interesting to do. So since I literally had nothing else to do with my time, I decided to stop by to see if you had anything going on. So do you? Because seriously… I'm getting to the point where painting someone's garage would be more interesting than my life."

Urahara sitting together with Ichigo in his shop, thought about this. More specifically, he thought about the portal to Hueco Mundo in his basement. Even _more _specifically, he thought about how sick he was of guests and how much he wanted Ichigo to leave so he could have some peace and quiet.

Then he smiled.

"I _might _have something for you there."

And there was _no way _it could _possibly_, _ever _go wrong.

* * *

"Well?!" Soi Fon snapped.

"Best eleven out of twenty."

"_Dammit!_"

"Also, how many people do we need to play soccer?"

* * *

Hitsugaya did not bat an eye. He'd known it was going to happen, after all. Maybe not that _exact thing_, but he'd known _something _ridiculous was going to happen. That was just how the universe worked: if you tried to fight it, tried to fight the _absurdity, _things would happen. He'd warned Aizen; given him _every opportunity _to pull back. It wasn't _his _fault that 'Mister Genius' couldn't take advice.

And so, when a gigantic damn worm smashed through the walls of Las Noches, Hitsugaya did not bat an eye… and Aizen got exactly what he deserved.

With a roar of confusion, the worm desperately tried to halt its progress. It managed to stop moving, but not before smashing over several pointless pillars and driving its head completely through one of the inner walls… and, since Aizen had been directly in its path, plowing _him_ through that self-same wall at a rather high speed.

Gin stared, wide-eyed, for several seconds. He then muttered something that his gag made unintelligible but which might have been 'Holy crap!'_. _

Once the worm had stopped, two small girls sitting on its back stood up.

"What just happened?" Nel asked.

"I think we hit something." Yachiru said.

"Is... is this Las Noches? Ooooooh, Lord Aizen is gonna be angry..." Nel said.

"B-but it was an accident! I didn't _mean _it!" Yachiru said.

"Weeell... I don't see Lord Aizen, but that's the Tres Espada, Lady Tia Halibel! Oh, man, she's right there! She's gonna be _so _angry, you're gonna get in trouble..." Nel said solemnly. I apparently hadn't occured to Nel that she would _also _be in trouble, but realistically Nel was probably happier not realizing that.

"T-trouble?" Yachiru said. Wait, there might be _consequences _for her _actions_? She hadn't signed up for this!

"You probably won't get _any _dessert. Or she'll murder you."

"No _dessert?!_ No, please no! It wasn't my fault, it really wasn't! I just told Mr. Worm to turn left! I didn't even see the castle there, I swear!" Yachiru said desperately.

"She… she didn't notice the city-sized castle?" Matsumoto asked, trying her very best to follow this conversation. "... what am I saying? Of course she didn't."

Ikkaku blinked several times in confusion. "Wait. Wait. Wait. Aren't we on, like, the sixtieth floor? How did...?"

Halibel looked at the giant worm, then at Hitsugaya. "Milord..." She asked very quietly, almost _worshipfully_. "Did you... did you _plan _that?"

"Not at all," Hitsugaya said, smiling. Very. Very. Sanely.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30: Truth is a Funny Thing**

"Well then," Hitsugaya said calmly. "Shall we begin making our way home?"

"Not until I figure out how this worm got up this high." Ikkaku said. "Maybe if it were going at like, two-hundred miles an hour and it hit an incline… no, that's stupid, it's still way too big. It would have to have been going so fast that it would have burst into flames just from the friction, and it's _clearly _not on fire… dammit, how the Hell did this thing get up here?!"

"Is this really the time for that?" Matsumoto asked frankly. "We have the kid, plus another kid we wanted even less."

"Hi!" Nel said, her impeccable instincts telling her that someone was talking about her, and her generally low intelligence preventing her from realizing that they weren't saying anything good. This happened to Nel fairly often, and honestly she was probably happier that way.

"I say we get out of here before Aizen digs his way out!" Matsumoto finished.

"Calm _down, _Rangiku. Don't _worry _about it. We'll be _fine_." Hitsugaya said soothingly, the waves of serenity rolling off him. "Just… go with the flow."

Halibel seemed to have gone nonverbal, because at this point all she did was sigh in contentment.

"Young Arrancar girl? May we borrow this large beast? We wish to ride it to the portal home. It's all right if you don't want to, though. We can walk." Hitsugaya asked Nel, smiling sanely.

"Um… Nel doesn't mind…" Nel replied, her tone indicating she wasn't completely sure what she was saying, as though something about Hitsugaya simply compelled agreement.

"That's nice. What a clever girl you are." Hitsugaya said. "All right everyone! We're not in any real hurry, but if you wouldn't mind climbing on board this Hollow snake thing, we can begin making our way out of here."

Ikkaku raised his hand. "How are we going to get it down from here? We're really high up, and it's wedged into the wall."

Hitsugaya shrugged. "Oh, these things have a habit of working themselves out."

The _instant _he said it, a blast of Reiatsu that would have given half the Captains in the Gotei Thirteen pause sent Bawabawa hurtling backwards out of the fortress, through the very same hole it had entered. And from the gaping hole in the inner wall that it had left, a somewhat battered and thoroughly enraged Sosuke Aizen emerged.

"L-lord... Aizen..." Nel said in a hushed tone, filled with unthinking terror.

"You." Aizen said. "You. You. You. You. It's all your fault. My army. My castle. My wounds. Even Kusajishi only came here because she was looking for _you_."

"I did?" Yachiru asked.

"And now _this_. You think this _means anything_, oh great _Captain _Hitsugaya?" Aizen said, saying the title like a curse. "You think that because you got _lucky _and some _random coincidence _saved you, you think that means you've _won?!"_

"I don't think I've won. I don't even think we're competing." Hitsugaya said calmly.

"So _clever. _The _child genius _thinks he is so. Damn. _Clever_." Aizen hissed.

"Not really. Just clever enough to spot a basic pattern when I see one. Which, admittedly, is still apparently more clever than _you. _But still not exactly genius-level intellect." Hitsugaya said in that same supremely unconcerned tone.

"Well, _Captain Child Genius, _I don't think you're so _clever_. I think you are an insolent, arrogant _brat _who has gotten into his mind that he is able to challenge a _god_. And I think that it is _past time _that I showed you _exactly _the sort of power you have _dared _to oppose." Aizen said. Reiatsu, more power than Hitsugaya had ever felt from a single being, poured forth from him. His sword was ready in his hands, the slightest twitch of his muscles enough to send into a killing stroke against anyone who dared go near him. In short, in this one man, there was sufficient power and blood lust to lay waste to an entire army. "Any last words before I hurl you into oblivion like the insignificant insect you truly are, _Captain Hitsugaya."_

Hitsugaya thought about it for a second. "Thank you for calling me by my title, it was very polite of you. Oh, and you're still trying too hard. Really, I've warned you how many times now?"

Aizen was about to reply to this by murdering the hell out of Hitsugaya, but he was interrupted by a loud 'crack' in the floor beneath his feet.

The crushed, burned, frozen, and just generally unstable floor.

* * *

Ukitake's eyes widened as Soi Fon and Kyoraku walked back into the room. Both of them were wearing hats with what appeared to be mouse ears, and both were carrying cotton candy. Kyoraku had a small smile on his face, while Soi Fon looked as though she had just bitten into something unpleasant and her mouth was now filled with a truly disgusting flavor that she just couldn't get rid of.

"Um… should I ask?" Ukitake said.

"Well, we were on… which match was it, Soi?" Kyoraku began.

"Working our way to best 31 out of 60." Soi Fon muttered.

"Ah, that's right! Well, we had just finished playing Frisbee…"

"We had just finished you _cheating _at Frisbee." Soi Fon grumbled.

"… when Katen Kyokotsu decided it wanted to go to Disney World."

"… … … that isn't a game, Shunsui." Ukitake pointed out.

"That's what I said! But trying to talk this sword out of anything it wants to do is like arguing with a brick wall!" Soi Fon snapped. "No, it's _worse_, because at least you _know _that the brick wall _can't _listen to you. This… _thing_… can listen to you, it just _won't_."

"Badmouthing it won't get you anywhere." Kyoraku said. "Now, where was I?"

"Disney World." Ukitake supplied.

"Ah, yes! Well, anyway, we rode the rides for an hour or two, got some nice snacks, that sort of thing. It helped that we were able to skip all the lines, on account of being invisible and all…"

"It wanted to ride the 'Small World' ride six times. If I win this idiotic game, I am having that sword melted down and made into plumbing for Lady Yoruichi's new royal toilet." Soi Fon growled.

"In any case it looks like… hmmm… yes, I won that game."

"_What?! _There was no game! We just rode around on insipid rides in a children's theme park and ate overpriced junk food!"

"Yes, but I did it better than you."

"… … … … … … … _Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" _Soi Fon screamed, yanking out a good sized clump of her hair out of sheer frustration.

That makes the score 29 to 27 in Soi's favor. Hey, if you win the next two rounds in a row, you win the game! Sounds good, right?" Kyoraku informed her cheerfully.

Soi Fon narrowed her eyes as though she had just caught Kyoraku adding poison to her evening tea. "You son of a… you mean I'll win _unless_ that _#*&* _sword randomly decides to add on _more rounds_? That's what you _really _mean, isn't it?!"

"Oh, what are the odds of that happening?" Kyoraku asked.

Soi Fon _tried _to reply, but found that she was so furious that she could not produce coherent words. She instead chose to settle for releasing some extremely angry sounds. "Yrrrgle… afuaif… _kalakakai!_" She snarled.

"Yes, I'm looking forward to the next game too." Kyoraku said cheerfully.

"_Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_

Ukitake nodded his head in the general direction of Kyoraku and said to Yamamoto and Zaraki, "You see this? This is why I _never _play cards with him."

* * *

Aizen had _just _enough time to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he had miscalculated somewhere.

Then the floor collapsed, quite tidily answering that question for him.

The crashing sound of the floor beneath Aizen's feet… and, interestingly enough, _only _beneath Aizen's feet… collapsing was followed by a loud _thud _as he hit the next floor. Then another loud crashing sound as _that _floor gave way. Then another thud. Then…

Matsumoto and Halibel walked forward to look down at the hole with interest.

_Thud! Crash!_

"Wow. He's really going pretty fast." Matsumoto said.

_Thud! Crash!_

"Quite. Apparently the building's basic structure was more unstable than I thought." Halibel commented.

_Thud! Crash!_

"I'll say. There seems to be less time between the landing and falling through as he goes down floors…"

_ThudCrash!_

"… see? That was practically the same second!" Matsumoto said in agreement.

"Well, it makes sense that the lower floors took more damage. I wouldn't be surprised it some of them have already got holes in them for him to fall…" Halibel began.

_Crash! … … … … … … … Thud! Crash!_

"… right through." Halibel finished, having halted to watch Aizen go down a dozen floors in a row before he hit one able to… briefly… hold his weight.

"So, how far down do you think he's going to go?" Matsumoto asked.

_Thud! Crash!_

"Well, we're on the thirty-second floor. He's already gone down at least twenty-fi-"

_Thud! Crash!_

_"_Twenty-six floors. But I'd say that if he isn't able to stop himself…"

_Thud! Crash!_

"It's really starting to look like he isn't able to." Matsumoto commented.

"…That he shouldn't go any further than ground level." Halibel said. "So a few more…"

_Thud! Crash! Crash! Crash! Crash! Crash! Crrrrunch!_

"… unless he goes through several floors in rapid succession and builds up speed enough to hit the ground floor hard enough to go through _that. _Which is possible… it's sturdy, or course, but still probably somewhat compromised. If that happened, he could potentially fall down into the Menos Forest." Halibel said.

_"Screeeeeee!_" Said a Menos. Apparently Aizen had landed on top of it, and it wasn't amused, for obvious reasons. It expressed this lack of amusement by attempting to eat Aizen, who was likewise not amused.

**"**Ouch." Matsumoto commented.

Hitsugaya just smiled, very slightly, and headed toward the breach in the outer wall that Bawabawa had made. "All right then, folks. It looks like our ride was not significantly damaged by that fall, so shall we go? No real hurry, of course."

At this point, nobody else did anything but nod in agreement. Possibly because they were afraid that if they disagreed with him, the Universe would smite them.

The former 'Hitsugaya Rescue' and currently 'Rescued by Hitsugaya' team made their way to outside, which was simple due to the fact there were a bunch of big damn holes in the fortress. As they made their way toward Bawabawa, they found Dondochakka and Pesche, who had apparently sort of wandered in the general direction they had last seen Nel. There was a beautiful and tearful reunion among them… not between Nel and the two of them, but between the two of them and _Yachiru, _who they apparently _thought _was Nel… it was hard to be sure, given that they didn't seem to say anything that made sense no matter how much they babbled.

Hitsugaya decided (correctly) that they probably weren't actually important and just walked past them. He was pretty certain that if they ended up leaving Yachiru here and bringing Nel back instead, most likely nobody would actually notice or care. Zaraki was the only one who actually _liked _Yachiru, and he was dumb enough that you could probably slip any girl of approximately the right size into place on his shoulder and he'd never notice the difference. Whatever the case, _he _certainly wasn't going to worry about it.

As Yachiru talked with the two Hollows as if they were long-lost friends, Halibel walked up to them and informed them, politely, that they would be using their Bawabawa for their own purposes, and it was completely okay for them to say 'no' to this... but if they did, she would be cutting their legs off and using them as clubs to kill them and everyone they'd ever truly loved. For some reason, they considered this sufficient incentive to allow the group of Shinigami to ride on Bawabawa.

Hitsugaya nodded approvingly in Halibel's direction, causing her to briefly look as though she was going to faint from raw joy. Officer material, that one. Officer in the 11th Division, maybe, but definitely officer.

Hitsugaya walked over to Bawabawa, which instinctively flattened itself as much as possible, to make it easier for him to climb aboard its back. He smiled and did so, preparing to leave, when he sensed something vaguely familiar… yes, he'd definitely sensed this aura before, and it was getting closer. He rolled his eyes and sighed in the manner of a mother who has just spotted her child drawing on the walls with crayon… a sigh that said 'Oh, that's annoying and you will be punished, but in a way it's also sort of cute so I can't be too mad'. Dismounting the giant worm, he turned to see a small group of Arrancar charging out of the fortress, apparently in pursuit of his group.

"_There _they are!" Grimmjow shouted, leading the charge.

"Yes. I know. We can see them." Ulquiorra said.

"We can?" Yammy asked.

"… just stare at the sky until I tell you to murder something, Yammy." Ulquiorra said with a long-suffering expression. Luckily, his long-suffering expression was virtually identical to his normal expression, so it wasn't a huge problem.

"Sure!" Yammy said.

"Siiiiir, there are Espada!" Matsumoto whined. "They're here and they're probably gonna try to kill us!"

"It's all right, Rangiku. I'll just talk to them. Maybe they can take advice a little better than Aizen."

"I've met coffee mugs that take advice better than these people, milord." Halibel warned. "They are a pack of neurotic, amoral killers with egos the size of this castle. They aren't rational and sane like me."

Matsumoto stared in Halibel's direction. She didn't say anything, because really there was nothing to say. She just… stared.

"What?" Halibel asked.

"Nothing. I have absolutely nothing to say." Matsumoto said.

Hitsugaya shrugged. "Even so." He strolled over towards the Espada, unconcern practically radiating off him. He stopped in front of them and smiled sanely. "Hi, guys."

Grimmjow leveled a finger in his direction and smirked madly. "Ah-HA! Trying to intimidate us again, eh?!"

"Not really."

"Well it won't work! _We_," He said proudly. "Have been to _therapy!_"

"Good for you."

"Damn straight good for us!" Grimmjow said enthusiastically. "We've all had our view of the world re-shaped, and overcome our deepest personal traumas! Now we're fearless!"

"We did that?" Starrk asked.

"A-hem!" Barragan replied.

"… we did that, your majesty?"

"You slept through it." Barragan said.

"Oh. That makes… ::yawn::… sen… se… zzzzzzzzz…" Starrk snored.

"… how does he do that standing up?" Barragan asked nobody in particular.

Grimmjow chose not to let this exchange ruin his enthusiasm. "Well, in any event, we've completely overcome our shinigamiphobia! You have absolutely no hope of defeating us now!"

"Are you sure? Because you could just let us go. Wouldn't that be easier for everybody?" Hitsugaya said reasonably.

"Well… yes, but we enjoy murder." Grimmjow said honestly. "I mean, I guess not _all _of us, but enough. Right, Nnoitra, Yammy?"

"Sounds right," Nnoitra admitted.

"Shhhhhhhh! I'm looking at the sky!" Yammy said, looking at the sky.

Ulquiorra rubbed his head to fight off the eternally-growing migraine. "You can answer questions, Yammy."

"Oh, great! In that case, yeah, murder is fun." Yammy said happily, still looking at the sky.

"Besides, we really need to take revenge on you. After the humiliations you've handed us, we _have _to kill you. And we _will. _That much I can guarantee."

"Wow. It sounds like you really want to do this." Hitsugaya said.

"Yeah!"

"Like you're really dedicated to killing me."

"Damn straight! The need for vengeance consumes our souls!" Grimmjow said.

"Zzzzzzz… zzzzzzz…" Starrk snored.

"Most of our souls!" Grimmjow said.

"Wow. You guys are really putting a lot of effort into this." Hitsugaya said, with a small, sane smile on his face.

"… why are you smiling?" Ulquiorra asked, having picked up that something was wrong.

"Why won't you take my love?!" Zommari asked, having not picked up that something was wrong.

"Because I don't want it." Hitsugaya said honestly.

"… oh." Zommari said.

"Disregarding him," Ulquiorra interjected. "You are far, far too calm. Our group clearly has considerably more power than yours. Aaroniero, for instance, has over 30,000 powers by himself."

"Yeah! I do! But you can't see any of them because you aren't _special _enough!" Aaroniero said, taking a step backwards to hide behind Yammy so people would stop noticing him. Nobody was sure why he did that.

"… yes. Right." Ulquiorra said. "In any event, even a fool could tell you are clearly outmatched. As a Captain, I doubt you are a fool. There is no logical reason for you to be calm. You are about to die."

Hitsugaya considered this for a moment. "Would you like to know the truth of the universe?" He asked.

* * *

"… … … well?!" Soi Fon asked.

"Hmmm… well? I'm not sure. I mean, yes, obviously we're going to best 76 out of 150…"

"Oh, _obviously_." Soi Fon said, her voice dripping with some combination of sarcasm and mindless fury.

"But we're supposed to play… jai alai? I don't even know what that is."

"I'll tell you what it is. It is the game of _suffering,_ a game created by people who hate me, personally. They created this game many thousands of years ago, knowing that one day, I would have to play it with you. The did this, thousands of years in advance, specifically so that one day I would _suffer._ An entire civilization devised a game solely to hurt me, someone who they had never met and whom had not even been born yet. And they did this simply for the sheer _joy _of causing me pain." Soi Fon said.

"Oh, good, so you probably know the rules."

"_Gaaaaaaaaaah!"_

* * *

Aizen, his arms shaking with effort, climbed back out of the hole and sort of rolled over onto his side, gasping from a combination of pain and exertion.

"Took you longer to get out of there than I expected." Gin said.

"Some Hollows tried to eat me. Had to murder them. Hey, weren't you were tied up?" Aizen mumbled.

"They left me behind to go outside and leave Hueco Mundo. Once they ditched me, it wasn't too hard to find some sharp rubble to cut myself out." Gin said conversationally.

Aizen sat up, and looked around, taking in the shattered ruins of his fortress and his utter failure to prevent or avenge it. He then did the only thing he could have.

"Well. This turned out well." Aizen said.

"… eh? _What _turned out well? Your climb back up from the pits of despair?"

"No, no, my _plan_. The plan to lure Toshiro here, let him destroy the fortress, and then leave. To lure Soul Society into a false sense of security for the coming campaign." Aizen said.

Gin stared, his mouth hanging open. "No. _No. _You aren't _seriously…"_

"Think about it, Gin. I don't need the army, we can always make more Arrancar. I don't need the fortress, we're abandoning it anyway. And now Soul Society will expect an easy victory." Aizen said.

"Sosuke, you _son of a…"_

"I know it might _seem _like you were just attacked and crushed and gained nothing. But if you look back at all the clues and consider my complete hypnosis…" Aizen began.

Gin kicked him back down into the pit.

"… you'll see I planned thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!" Aizen screamed.

"Screeeeeee!" The Menos he landed on top of said.

Gin laid down put his feet up on top of some rubble, and smiled. "I'll probably pay for that later." He said. "But it was worth it."

* * *

"So you're saying that if we try to kill you, then that counts as attempting to make our lives better, because it would let us get over some personal issues." Grimmjow said.

"Correct." Hitsugaya said.

"And that this would cause the universe itself to punish us for attempting to make our lives better. Because it is a horrible place that wishes to make us suffer." Ulquiorra said.

"That is also correct."

"… And you expect us to believe this?" Nnoitra asked.

"I don't expect anything. You're free to believe me or not as you see fit."

"Szayel! You're the smart one, what do you think about this?" Grimmjow demanded.

"Eeeeeeek!" Szayel said.

"… yeah. Sure. Well, guys, I happen to think this is a load of crap and we should kill them all. You guys okay with that?" Grimmjow asked.

"Always." Nnoitra said.

"Can I kill them while looking at the sky? I think I see a shape in the moon and I'm trying to find out what it is." Yammy said.

"I'll kill them! I'll kill them with my powers! Actually… no, my powers are too great. They'd be _overkill. _You guys can do it." Aaroniero said.

"Yes. Again, thank you for your input, Aaroniero." Ulquiorra said. "I vote we just leave. Does this Shinigami even matter? Even if he is just making things up, the odds are fairly good that between him and Halibel, at least a few of us will end up dying. Probably Zommari, because once the fighting starts I am planning to use him as a shield."

"What?!" Zommari yelped.

"So why even bother? Let's just ignore him."

"_He _gets it." Hitsugaya said, gesturing at Ulquiorra in satisfaction.

"Well…" Grimmjow said thoughtfully. "We _really _want to murder some people."

"I'm completely winning the 'look at the sky game'." Yammy said.

"… it isn't a game, Yammy."

"The crap, why am I playing it?" Yammy said, finally lowering his gaze.

"… I hate you, Yammy."

"So, what's this I hear about murder?" Yammy asked.

"We're murdering some people." Barragan said.

"We haven't decided that." Ulquiorra said.

"A-**hem**!" Barragan said.

"I am _not _calling you 'your majesty'."

"You're not calling me what?"

"Your majesty." Ulquiorra clarified.

Barragan smiled in satisfaction. "That's better."

"… I hate you too. I hate you _all_." Ulquiorra said.

"So we're agreed that we're going to murder the Shinigami?" Nnoitra asked.

"We've agreed to no such thing." Ulquiorra said.

"Good to hear!" Nnoitra said, hefting his ludicrous weapon.

Hitsugaya sighed. "Well, I did warn them."

_OoooooOOOOOOOOH! Yeah yeah! If you wanna see some action, gotta be the center OF ATT-RAC-TION! Make sure that they got their eyes on you… _The cheesy 80's music said.

Silhouetted in the light of Hueco Mundo's moon, a figure in a flowing black coat suddenly appeared on a nearby hill. He hefted a black sword, and red-and-black energy flowed along the length of it like dark flames. "_Getsuga Tensho!" _He roared, hurling a wave of obsidian death into the assembled Espada, who were scattered like bowling pins.

"What the flippin' Hell?!" Grimmjow shouted in confusion once he managed to make the world stop spinning. He was a little hard to hear over the blaring music.

… _You know that this is where you gotta be, it must be your destiny. Sensaaaaaational, and you believe that this is what you've waited for…_

Ichigo flicked his sword once, and a tiny lick of black flame leapt off it, almost like blood. He raised one hand to his face, and beneath his palm a white-and-red mask bearing a skull's rictus grin materialized. His reiatsu _screamed, _the raw power of it making the air shiver. With a feral roar, he released a second getsuga that made the first one look like a child's taunt in comparison, possibly the single greatest attack that any of those assembled had ever seen.

_Now you feel like number one! Shining bright for everyone, living out your fantasy, Brightest star for all to see…_

"This is bad…" Ulquiorra said, just before the wave of darkness consumed the gathered Espada.

Ichigo leapt down to land next to Hitsugaya, waving a hand in front of his face and causing his mask to dematerialize. "Hey, Toshiro! I heard you were having some trouble, so I came to save you!" He said, smiling like a shark. "Looks like I got here just in time."

Hitsugaya smiled sanely. "I'd prefer Captain Hitsugaya. But it's not necessary."

Halibel dropped to her knees in front of Hitsugaya and simply said, "Please marry me."

"I don't think we've known each other long enough." Hitsugaya said calmly.

Halibel sighed somewhat unsteadily. "So _wise_." She said.

Ikkaku blinked a few times, looking from Ichigo to the group, to the cloud of smoke where the Espada had once been standing. "Huh. That's weird, isn't it?"

"You mean that Captain Hitsugaya can predict the future or something? Or the crazy Arrancar? Because I've gotta say, I'm growing sort of jaded towards both." Matsumoto said.

"No, it's just that… Ichigo is on our side, right?" Ikkaku asked.

"Well, yeah…" Matsumoto replied, looking at the huge swathe of devastation he had carved among their enemies.

"And he put a lot effort into that attack, right?"

"I guess so… waaaaaaait, you don't mean…" Matsumoto began, eyes widening in fear.

"Well, if he's one of us, doesn't that mean we're now trying _really hard _to escape?" Ikkaku asked.

The second he said that, the exact _instant, _Ulquiorra flew out of the cloud of smoke using his Sonido and drove his hand up to the wrist into Ichigo's chest.

"Urk!" Ichigo said. The cheesy 80's music abruptly stopped playing.

"Well, _that _isn't good…" Matsumoto said dully.

Hitsugaya looked at the fallen substitute Shinigami for several long, silent seconds. His aura of tranquility seemed strangely less tranquil, in spite of his silence.

Finally, he said, "_**Son of a-**_"


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note: I got a page on TV Tropes! Or rather, this story did. It's not a **_**good **_**page, but it exists! I went in and made it presentable… seriously, thank you to whoever started it, but you misspelled the **_**title. **_**I couldn't just leave it at that. But I don't want to be arrogant and add too much in the way of tropes and stuff. So I'm relying on you guys! The address is available on my author page, or you could just go to the TV tropes site and run a search for _'_Uninvited Guests'****. Have fun with it! **

**Chapter 31: The Triumphant Return of Rangiku Matsumoto, Mistress of Treachery**

"- _**bitch**__!_" Hitsugaya finished. "God dammit! God dammit! Ichigo, God _dammit! _We were doing _just fine_ and then all of a sudden who shows up?! Freakin' useless-ass Ichigo! Ichigo just haaaaad to show up with his _helping _and his _trying _and now we're all gonna die!"

"Were you counting on this trash to protect you? Foolish, Shinigami. You never had a chance at victory from the very…" Ulquiorra began.

"_**No! **_You _shut up_, Soul-eating Doom Creature!" Hitsugaya snapped. "You don't get to talk! Nobody gets to freakin' talk until I'm finished venting!"

Ulquiorra stopped talking.

"Sir…" Matsumoto said, putting one hand tentatively on Hitsugaya's shoulder.

"What did I _**just say?!**_"

Matsumoto stopped talking.

"I thought I had it. I thought I had this whole crappy thing figured out. I thought. I was done. With _this._" Hitsugaya said, gesturing vaguely at his situation. "But maybe I was wrong. Maybe the _real _truth of the Universe is that it is a _cold, awful, evil _place that _delights in the torment and suffering _of people who _haven't done anything wrong_. Maybe _that _is the real Truth. Maybe everything will always go wrong, all the time, for everybody, and there is nothing anybody can do about it." Hitsugaya said.

"Sir, no! You've just had a run of bad luck, it's not…"

"_**STILL VENTING!**_"

"Sorry."

"But maybe I'm wrong! Maybe there's still a chance that something, anything, could possibly go right." Hitsugaya said. "All right! Ichigo! Get up and prove me wrong about the universe."

"… may I be allowed to speak, sir?" Matsumoto asked.

"Hmmm… okay, I'll allow it."

"Ichigo is sort of dying. I don't think he can get up." Matsumoto said delicately.

"Oh, I know. That's why I asked him to do it. You see, Ichigo gets into this sort of situation a _lot_. So if I'm wrong, any second now he'll do something. Pull out a _deus ex machina _and just completely wreck everyone who opposes him." Hitsugaya said, almost conversationally. "So do it, Ichigo. Grow some ultra-strong new Hollow powers, or… I don't know, miraculously discover a Super-Bankai at the last second. Fix that hole in your chest, put on your mask, and kill all these guys. Come on. Do it. For once, I want your superhuman luck to be of benefit to _me_. Get up, save the day, and _prove me_ _wrong._"

Ichigo did not move. He did, however, bleed.

"Screw you, Universe." Hitsugaya said.

* * *

Soi Fon was trying very hard not to cry.

"Why…? All I wanted was to conquer the afterlife and re-make it in the image of Lady Yorouichi! That's not so much to ask, is it? Just one, tiny little afterlife? And I wasn't going to break it, just re-make it a little bit in one woman's image! Have you seen her? There are worse things to be re-made in the image of! I mean _wow_, that is an incredible image. I _wish _my image looked like hers." Soi Fon said.

"It is a nice image." Kyoraku agreed.

"But then things just kept getting in the _way. _First my new executioner sucked at killing people…"

"I'm a medic!" Hanataro snapped, though by this point he was pretty convinced nobody was listening to him.

"… then Zaraki showed up…"

"In my defense, I really didn't do a whole lot towards stoppin' you." Zaraki said, hanging upside down from the ceiling. Hey, he wasn't wrong.

"And then you, Mr. 'I have the world's most obnoxious power'." She snarled.

"It _is _pretty awful." Kyoraku said cheerfully.

"No. No. A flesh-eating disease is 'pretty awful'. This is… this is… I have no _words _for this. It is whatever the _opposite _of perfection is. _Anti-perfect._"

"Aw, don't be like that." Kyoraku said. "How's this sound? Katen Kyokotsu just wants to play rock paper scissors next. That's not so bad, right?"

"Does it _matter_? I'd have to play even if it was 'so bad'. And it _is _'so bad', because it is with _you_."

"Awwww, don't be…"

"If you tell me to _don't be like that _one more time, _one more_, I will remove your internal organs in alphabetical order."

"Aw, don't be like that." Kyoraku said.

"_Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" _Soi Fon screamed, filled to the brim with hatred that the game was 'rock paper scissors' and not 'organ removers'. "Fine! Rock. Paper. Scissors!" She said, not even looking at Kyoraku as she held out a closed fist. It wasn't that she was really playing 'rock', it was just that she was so angry she couldn't unclench her fist.

Kyoraku had played scissors.

"Huh… looks like you win!" Kyoraku said. "Okay… Katen Kyokotsu says 'game over'. … Wait, what? You can't be serious. _That _is the last round? But wait, I _lost_. What are you going to do?" He asked.

Instantly, his own sword's blade shifted and warped like liquid, before ramming itself through his chest.

Nobody said anything for a little while after that.

"I hate you, sword." Kyoraku grumbled, passing out.

Soi Fon blinked once. Twice. Three times.

"… ha." She said.

"We may be in trouble." Ukitake said.

"Hahaha. HAHAHAHA! **BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**" Soi Fon laughed madly, throwing her head back in exultation.

"Possibly." Yamamoto agreed.

She drew her Zanpakuto, and began to slowly stalk towards the prisoners, the grin on her face notably similar to the one that a fish or seal might see just before it was bitten in half. Really, all she needed was a fin because she had the merciless eyes down pat.

"This is going to hurt, isn't it?" Ukitake asked.

"For you, yes. For me, this is just going to be… cathartic." Soi Fon purred. "Now, I am going to…"

"Stop right there!" A new voice said.

Soi Fon, one eye twitching madly, whirled on the new voice with intent to kill it before it made her play hopscotch or something. She was in _no mood _to play hopscotch. Again.

But before she could land the killing blow, the face of the new arrival stopped her dead in her tracks.

* * *

"Sir, now you're just being childish." Matsumoto chided.

"She's not wrong." Ulquiorra agreed.

"I like pudding!" Yachiru cheered.

Nel's eyes shot open. "_Me too_."

"No way!"

"We should be sisters!"

"I… ::sniffle::… I've never had a sister…" Yachiru said.

"Well, you do now!"

"… really? Who?"

"Girls? Seriously? _Stop talking_, the adults are trying to have a serious discussion before we slaughter each other." Matsumoto interjected before the exchange could start over. Again. "Now, Captain, you have to realize that this is just silly."

"Don't care." Hitsugaya said, sitting cross-legged on the ground. "I'm done. Done with _all _this crap. Unless a _deus ex machina_ shows up to save the day and convinces me the universe is worth living in, I'm not moving from this spot."

"Nor shall I, milord!" Halibel said cheerfully from her seat next to him. "I shall stay here and help you defy the heavens! Nothing shall part us, not even death!"

"… yes. Wow. Um… that's great." Matsumoto said. She then shook her head to clear the confusion out, and said, "Sir, your whore notwithstanding…" She then fell silent.

"… what?"

"Um… well, I paused because I was expecting her to interrupt me. 'I'm not his whore' or something like that." Matsumoto admitted.

"I'm whatever he wants me to be." Halibel sighed.

"… and wow. I guess I shouldn't have paused." Matsumoto said. "Okay, what I was getting at there is that, basically, these guys are going to kill you. Probably us too, but you first. And we don't want them to do that."

"I don't care all that much, actually." Ikkaku said.

"He's a jerk!" Yumichika said.

"Where did Captain Aizen go? I'm sure he was around here somewhere…" Momo said vaguely.

"I like pudding!" Yachiru said.

Nel's eyes shot open. "_Me t-_"

"_All the people whose opinions __**matter **__don't want them to do that._" Matsumoto growled, giving the assorted commenters a glare that could have melted lead.

"I want whatever he wants." Halibel said.

"Rangiku, you don't seem to understand." Hitsugaya said. "I really have just completely lost interest. Alive, dead… who cares? Reality isn't worth living in. Unleeeeeess…" He trailed off, looking hopefully at Ichigo.

Ichigo bled a little bit.

"Jerk. If I was Rukia or Orihime, he'd be firing off _deus ex machinas_… _machinae_?... like there was no tomorrow." Hitsugaya said in disgust. "Anyway, I'm probably not going to die. If it were just one Espada, sure, but I really doubt all of them together could coordinate themselves enough to successfully accomplish anything. It's like ninjas, where the fewer ninjas you have the better they are?"

"That's pretty big talk from someone who's bite-sized, you…" Yammy began.

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Yammy fell silent "I… but… we… woodchucks? How much? I don't… but the wood is…" He said, his mind seemingly overwhelmed by this vast new influx of data. He began to count out something on his fingers.

"… Yammy, what are you…" Ulquiorra began.

"Shhhhhh! I'm thinking about woodchucks." Yammy said.

"God _dammit_, Yammy." Ulquiorra said.

"We're… we're not _all _that bad, though." Grimmjow protested.

"Zzzzzzz…" Starrk snored, rolling over to use a convenient bank of sand as a pillow.

"_Banzai_! _Aizen-sama_!" Zommari said.

"Don't look at me!" Aaroniero said, still trying to hide behind Yammy.

"Blargle." Szayel said, drooling a little bit.

"… or at least I used to think we weren't that bad." Grimmjow said in disgust.

Nnoitra chuckled. "Yeah, you guys pretty much suck."

"I was counting _you _among the people who are that bad, Mr. 'how-dare-you-not-kill-me'."

"What was that? I'm sorry, it's just that I'm sure you said something, but all I could hear was, 'won't you please cut my face off, Nnoitra'?"

"Bring it, eyepatch!" Grimmjow growled, drawing his zanpakuto. Nnoitra hefted his… thing.

"If I ever cried… I would be crying now." Ulquiorra said.

"Twenty wood!" Yammy said. "… no, wait, I forgot to carry the five. One… two… three…"

Ulquiorra shook his head. "You know, as much as I _know _that I don't truly want to know the logic behind whatever he's thinking concerning woodchucking, I feel almost _compelled _to ask…"

* * *

"L-l-l-l-lady Yoruichi…" Soi Fon gasped, her eyes lighting up. "You're… you're _here…"_

"Oh, Soi… what have you gotten yourself into?" Yoruichi asked in a tone somewhere between embarrassed and bemused. "My sources told me you were up to something odd, and when I come to check on you what do I find? What, praytell, are you trying to do here?"

"I-I conquered Soul Society for you." Soi Fon said, her tone that of a child turning in a project to their favorite teacher.

"She really did." Ukitake agreed. "Could you please tell her it was stupid? She might listen to you. I am, of course, assuming she has enough sanity left to listen to _anyone_, but hey, I'm a natural optimist."

"_Silence, Heretic!_" Soi Fon roared. Turning back to Yoruichi, she instantly returned to 'meek worshiper' mode and said, "I really _did _conquer Soul Society, milady. It was p-pretty hard, but I did it especially so I could make you Empress. You know, b-because I really admire… no, more than that, I lo… lo… lo…"

"Soi," Yoruichi said, laying one hand on Soi Fon's shoulder. "You _really _didn't need to do this. You know I don't want to rule over anyone or anything like that."

"I… I… you don't?" Soi Fon asked.

"No! she doesn't! I'm sure I mentioned to this you at some point before now!" Ukitake said.

"B-but I thought you would like it! I got you statues and everything!" Soi Fon said desperately.

"Oh, Soi, I know you meant well, but I don't really nee- is that the statue?" Yoruichi said, glancing at her ten-foot tall silver statue. "Wow, that is _really _a good likeness."

"I was going to put one up on every street corner."

"Oh. Wow. One on _every _street corner? That could be nice…" Yoruichi said thoughtfully.

"_Focus, _Lady Shihouin!" Ukitake begged.

"Right, right. Soi, you know me. I don't like authority. I wouldn't want to sit on some throne all day and command people, you know that…"

"B-but I designed that throne myself!" Soi Fon protested.

"… … … you got me a throne? A _real _throne?" Yoruichi said. "I mean like, a big chair with gold and jewels and stuff?"

"Well, obviously. You need a throne if you're going to be empress." Soi Fon said.

"Yes… yes that makes sense…" Yoruichi said. "Do I get a crown?"

"Well, obviously!" Soi Fon said.

"Oh, that's nice…"

"_Yoruichi!_" Ukitake snapped.

"OH! Oh, sorry, I just… I must have zoned out for a second there." Yoruichi said. "Look, Soi, I really appreciate this, I really do. It's just that, well… I…"

"What's wrong?!" Ukitake snapped as Yoruichi's words simply trailed off.

"I'm trying to think of reasons to say 'no'…"

"Think harder!" He said, watching his hopes for continued survival starting to wither.

"Well… it's hard…" Yoruichi said somewhat pathetically. "Ah! Soi, you know I hate authority. I never really wanted to be head of my own family or the Stealth Forces, much less head of the whole Soul Society."

"Oh, that's fine." Soi Fon said worshipfully. "You can have as much or as little actual authority and power as you like. I would happily do any duties you asked of me. If you wanted to, you could spend all day, every day lounging in the lap of luxury."

"… … … … … …" Yoruichi said.

"Well, we're screwed." Ukitake said.

* * *

Ulquiorra looked at Yammy diligently attempting to count woodchuck wood, Grimmjow and Nnoitra trying to kill one another for no damned reason, and Starrk, Aaroniero, and Szayel all being equally useless in their own special way.

He turned to Zommari and Barragan, the only two remaining Espada who had not rendered themselves utterly worthless through some combination of stupidity and insanity. Yet. Unfortunately, Zommari was incapable of rational communication, and Barragan had some very serious problems working with anyone who didn't treat him like royalty, which Ulquiorra was simply _not _willing to do, victory be damned. In essence, the Espada had been taken out of the battle before the battle had technically _begun, _and they really had nobody to blame for it but themselves.

_My God. We really __**are **__like ninjas. _He thought dully. _But wait… if we're like ninjas, and I'm the only one left…_

Ulquiorra drew his sword.

_Crap! One ninja left! _Matsumoto thought, immediately recognizing the problem. _Maybe I could try to get some of my own 'allies' to defect to his side and weigh him down like the millstones they are? No… no, they'd probably still consider themselves on my side and somehow fail me. I could let him kill them until only I'm left, but I really would like to get out of this with the Captain intact. I've worked so hard to get him back, seems a shame to throw him away now. No, Rangiku, you need to solve this one yourself, and worse, you'll need to do it in thirty seconds without any cheese. _

If only she had some tool to motivate the Captain to stop being weird. Either he or the Arrancar Hussy would do in a pinch, but Captain Hitsugaya was easier to manipulate. She had been his vice-captain for a long time now, if anyone knew how to set him off, it was her, but…

_No desks, no papers, no office supplies of any kind! _Rangiku thought frantically. _How do I motivate him?! How do I get him from nihilistic to __**angry**__?!_

_Wait... could I..._

_Oh. _

_My. _

_**Yes.**_

_I could. Oh, that is so evil and yet I love it so much.  
_

She didn't need to travel far, but she used shunpo anyway. Time was sort of a factor; Ulquiorra wasn't in much of a hurry, seemingly determined to look as cool as possible in his approach, but he _was _progressing. Fortunately, her target was close by and not exactly evasive.

"Hey! Big guy! Would you like to save the day?" she asked.

"Three wood… four wood… dammit, I lost count again!" Yammy snapped. "What do you want?! I'm busy here! There's this woodchuck, and if I don't figure out how much wood it can…"

"Yes, that's wonderful, but I think I have something more important for you to consider."

"More important than woodchucks? I don't know if I buy that."

"No, really. How would _you _like to bring down the Shinigami that even Lord Aizen couldn't defeat? Bet _that _would look good, right? Why, maybe even all the other Arrancars would make you their new king!"

Yammy's eyes widened. "A king?"

"With a crown and _everything_."

"That _does_ sound cool. All right, I'm voting we forget the woodchuck situation for now and work on this."

"_That_'_s _the kind of ambition that gets a smart, handsome devil like you made King of the Hollows!" Matsumoto congratulated him. "I'm sure that you could do it!"

"Hmmmm… hey, wait. I just thought of a problem. I'm the weakest of the Espada. If Lord Aizen couldn't do it, how could I?" Yammy asked, ignoring, as was his wont, the much _larger _problem of 'the woman suggesting this plan is not on my side'.

"You're the weakest? Are you sure? You're so huge, manly and strong."

"Yeah, see?" he said, opening his shirt to show his #10 tattoo. "See, I'm tenth out of... one, two, three... ten of us. So why should I do this plan? There's no chance of success."

Rangiku reached out and covered the '1' with her hand, leaving only a zero. "Wow, look at that! You're actually the zeroth Espada! That would make you the _strongest _one!"

Yammy looked at his tattoo in seeming awe. "Holy crap, you're right! I guess I am!"

"Damn straight, you superhuman colossus!" Matsumoto cheered.

"But… wait. Even if I am #0…"

"And you are, I totally didn't make that up…"

"… Lord Aizen is Lord Aizen. Even someone as amazing as me isn't tougher than him!"

Matsumoto smiled wickedly. "Well, that's why I'm going to teach you the Shinigami's secret weakness!"

"Secret weakness?"

"Of course! A special tactic that will sap all his strength and leave him helpless before your incredible might!"

"A special tactic? That sounds really… um… pretty…"

"Special?"

"Yeah! And you're sure it will work?"

"Oh, I'm quite certain that it will accomplish everything I wish and more." Matsumoto said truthfully. She was in a bit of a hurry at this point; Ulquiorra was advancing very cautiously to avoid potential traps, but she still got the impression that Captain Hitsugaya genuinely was just going to sit there and let himself be killed.

"Okay then! What should I be doing?" Newly minted Zero Espada Yammy asked eagerly.

Matsumoto leaned forward… and up… and up… to whisper in Yammy's ear. She then dove for cover as though she was expecting something to come rushing through the general area shortly and was desperate to get to safety before it hit.

Yammy blinked in confusion a few times. "I don't get it. How is calling him 'shiro-chan' going to help?"

And it was at this point, Yammy noticed with some confusion, that the ambient temperature of the air noticeably dropped.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32: He Doesn't Like that Nickname**

It wasn't the nickname. Not really. Sure, the nickname by itself would have been enough to trigger a reaction, but not the one that actually happened. It would have caused something much smaller, much more human. No, the nickname was _a _cause, but it wasn't _the _cause.

The real cause was the _voice._

Yammy had a bad voice. A big, stupid voice that sounded like someone had found a particularly slow-witted donkey and somehow imbued it with the power to speak. He wasn't even saying 'Shiro-chan' in anything resembling a mocking tone, but that hardly mattered simply by virtue of the fact that the mockery was implied simply by his very voice itself. Even though all he said was 'shiro-chan', what Hitsugaya _heard _was every single insult that had ever been leveled in his direction over the course of his entire life, all rolled up into a ball and shot directly into his forehead, and all of it done by a chorus of big, stupid speaking donkeys that were all constantly braying 'shiro-chan, shiro-chan, shiro-chan!'.

He did not take this well.

When it began, it began suddenly. Ulquiorra was probably the most surprised, by virtue of being the only one paying attention, but it should go without saying that Yammy was the first to fall.

"_**MY!**_" Hitsugaya shouted.

The wave of ice flowed across the landscape of Hueco Mundo like a living thing, tearing through the sands and actually causing frost to form on outcroppings of rock that were not even remotely near it. It slammed into Yammy like a runaway freight train, and although he managed to raise his hands to defend, he was still pushed backwards relentlessly, his planted feet digging a trail in the earth as he vainly tried to halt his backwards progress.

This was not his main problem, however. His _main _problem was when the wave stopped, he tried to remove his defending limbs… and found he couldn't. They were frozen in place, totally immovable.

Hitsugaya flash-stepped next to him and helped the beleaguered Espada by helping him remove his hands. Yammy was, strangely, not appreciative of this, possibly because he had been attempting to remove his hands from the _ice, _and Hitsugaya had thoughtfully decided to help by removing them from his _arms_.

Yammy, his face contorted in mindless rage, attacked madly. If he couldn't strike with his sword, or his arms, then he'd beat the insolent Shinigami to death with the stumps, or simply bite his head off. As long as he _died_.

He didn't die. Quite the opposite, in fact.

For the second time, a wave of ice tore through Hueco Mundo, but this time it struck Yammy full in the chest from below, slamming him upwards. When it finally stopped growing, it left the giant hanging limply inside a frozen pillar like a fly trapped in amber.

"_**NAME!**_"

By this point, certain of the other Espada had recognized that things were beginning to occur, and they had begun taking measures against it.

Barragan had been closest, his weapon securely in hand. Unfortunately, this also meant that he was the next target. The ice, snapping like a serpent, struck at his axe, freezing the weapon solid and working its way up most of his arm in the same instant.

He considered attempting to free it, but the rapidly approaching Shinigami told him that time was not exactly on his side. So rather, he simply _swung _the weapon, ice and all, while simultaneously enacting his _other _ability: the power to age and slow those around him.

This was a huge mistake.

First of all, swinging anything made of ice in Hitsugaya's general direction was simply blatantly moronic, particularly if it was actually ice that he _made, _and therefore ice that already came pre-suffused with his reiatsu. Second of all, Hitsugaya was young and physically immature. So essentially, what Barragan had just managed to accomplish was to say, 'Here you go, young man! There is a weapon you can use attached to my arm, and I shall move it closer to you! In addition, allow me to give you a burst of temporary aging that would make an adult old and brittle, but will move _you _into your physical prime! Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!'

Hyourinmaru slammed into the frozen Arrogante, and the ice surrounding the axe shifted and warped into a hail that all went _directly _into Barragan from about six inches away. The end results were not pretty.

Well, okay, they sort of were, but only because the ice was so shiny and the moonlight made it all look kind of neat. Really, it was very sparkly and cool, for everyone except Barragan.

Well, okay, actually, it was still pretty cool for Barragan, in fact it was really, awfully, extremely cool. It was just cool in the _literal _sense instead of the figurative sense.

"_**ISN'T!"**_

Starrk opened his eyes, saw what was going on, and said, with the somber, dignified tone befitting the rank and power of the Primera Espada, "Well… screw this." He then proceeded to stand up and walk away, most likely to go find somewhere more quiet.

Ichigo bled a little bit.

Ikkaku raised one eyebrow. "Um… wow."

Yachiru said, "Ooooooooooooooh, pretty."

Halibel fainted from pure joy.

Szyael fainted for very different reasons, ones which had a lot to do with his mind being broken one too many times and eventually deciding the smart thing to do was just shut down and hope the hurting stopped soon.

Matsumoto tried not to laugh. But she didn't try very hard, and she certainly didn't succeed.

_**"SHIRO-CHAN!"**_

"Oh, Hell." Aaroniero said, realizing that the berserk small person was now looking _directly _at him. _No, wait! This is it! This is your chance, Aaroniero! You can show off your super-awesome powers right now! _

… _Crap, I don't have any!_

"Um… er… ah…" Aaroniero said hesitantly. _Wait! Wait! Wait! Kaien! Ah-ha, I knew I could do something! I'll take this Shinigami down with awesome powers of the unstoppable prodigy Kaien Shiba!_

"Rip through the seas and heavens, Nejibana!" He shouted, swinging the spear that resulted in a wide arc that brought a punishing blast of water, seemingly from nowhere, to crush Hitsugaya.

The water froze. Because… well, you know.

Even through his unthinking rage, Hitsugaya managed to give Aaroniero a look of mingled amusement, pity, and disbelief that he could possibly be _that _stupid.

"… oops." Aaroniero said. As the water that he himself had created and uselessly attacked with turned into a giant ice dragon, which proceeded to snap directly at his face and smash him into the ground, leaving him crushed and frozen helplessly for the foreseeable future, his last coherent thought for the day was, _Honestly? That probably still worked better than the tentacles would have. One point for me!_

_**"IT'S!"**_

Zommari Leroux might not have been the brightest of the Espada, but he was without question the fastest. And to be frank, since even the brightest of the Espada (which was probably Ulquiorra. Szayel didn't count. Being a genius is not the same thing as being smart) wasn't all that terribly bright, being the fastest was probably more valuable, honestly.

He moved now, his _sonido_ so fast it left behind half-a-dozen images of himself, each indistinguishable from the original. The inevitable counterattack came, striking only the insubstantial afterimages and moving uselessly through them. Zommari, untouched, appeared behind Hitsugaya and brought his blade down cleanly and ruthlessly at the young Captain's neck.

It hit ice and stopped dead as Hitsugaya's Bankai activated, the ice wings providing a convenient shield. Not only the blade but the arm holding it were instantly trapped, rendered useless by the cold and restricting frost.

Hitsugaya turned to stare at the immobilized Espada, his eyes not _quite _visibly glowing. But the glow was implied.

What followed was… ugh. Horrible. It shall not be described here, this is a teen-rated story. How about this? Have you ever been to a slaughterhouse, like for a school field-trip or something? It was a bit like that. Only to a person.

Honestly, just don't think about it, go look at a picture of a bunny or a kitten or something. You'll be happier.

"_**CAPTAIN!"**_

Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, and Nnoitra fell back. "We'll have to take him together! Both of you, release your Resurreciones!" Ulquiorra ordered.

"Hey! You can't tell me what to…" Nnoitra and Grimmjow said in unison. "Hey! Stop copying me! No, you! No, you! No…"

"_Just do it you thundering morons!" _The typically stoic fourth Espada screamed.

"Fine! Fine! Geez!" Grimmjow said. "Grind, Pantera!"

"Pray, Santa Teresa!" Nnoitra snapped.

"Isolate, Murciélago!"

The sheer power in the air, three Espada releasing their full strength simultaneously, was unbelievable. Grimmjow growled low in his throat, flexing his claws and lashing his tail. Nnoitra smiled with sheer, utter malice, a monstrous scythe (and it is so _nice _that he finally has a definable weapon) clutched in each of his six hands. Ulquiorra spread his wings and held his hand out to one side, a spear made of light appearing in his arm.

The raw reiatsu emitted by Espada's four through six releasing simultaneously was so intense that it threatened to warp space around them; the already sand-choked world of Hueco Mundo actually seemed to get even hazier and more indistinct.

"Are you two ready?" Ulquiorra asked. "Take him."

Grimmjow went from the left, blue light igniting around his claws and screaming through the air as he slashed them, seemingly leaving slash marks in the air itself as the energy blades extended towards their target.

Nnoitra took him from the right, leaping in with wild abandon. He had no fancy tricks or energy blasts to use; he simply _lunged_, his blades leading the way, no desire evident but the desire to slaughter.

Ulquiorra, with a single flap of his wings, took to the skies and let fly the _Lanza del Relámpago, _lighting up the gloom of Hueco Mundo with dazzling light and heat.

_**"HITSUGAYA!!!!"**_

It wasn't really an ice _dragon_ that flew out from Hitsugaya's ice armor. It was more like a hydra, three entirely independent heads, one for each Espada.

The first took Grimmjow's _Desgarrón _in the mouth, and rather than being shattered by the slashes of blue energy, bit down on them and caused them to shatter like glass before continuing unaffected into the Espada himself. One down.

The second… well, Nnoitra actually tried to strike it down _physically_. This accomplished absolutely nothing but causing it to explode all over him rather than merely crash into him, which was much, much worse. Two down.

Ulquiorra fared the best. His lance actually managed to split the oncoming wave of frozen death, sending it _around _him instead of straight into him. Unfortunately, he had two great big wings on either side of his body, and therefore they took the full brunt of the attack instead. Battered, dazed, his means of staying airborne frozen solid, he crashed down to the sand.

_Im... impossible... _Ulquiorra thought blankly, watching as Death approached him. Tiny, white-haired Death. _How could we have been so foolish? This was no different from the last time... we never had a chance against him, no matter what we did... he's not a Shinigami... he's just a monster... a devil..._

Hitsugaya reached down and picked up Ulquiorra by his neck. "Now," He asked calmly. Quietly. A voice laden with menace, yet no louder than a whisper. "What is my _name_?"

"C-c-c-captain…" Ulquiorra stammered. "Captain Hitsugaya! Captain Hitsugayaaaa!" He said, breaking into tears.

In her half-conscious fainted stupor, Halibel appeared to be drooling and said, "Mmmmmmm… Lord Captain Hitsugaya…"

"Yes. _Captain Hitsugaya_. That is my name, and that is the only name you are allowed to say, understood? Now, what _isn't_ my name?"

"S-s-s-s-shir…"

Hitsugaya's grip tightened. "_What did I just tell you?!_" He roared.

"… n-n-nothing I'm allowed to say! You have a word that is not your name, but I am not allowed to say it!" Ulquiorra said quickly.

"That's right. _You are never, ever allowed to say it. _And don't you _ever_ forget that fact. Bitch." Hitsugaya said, tossing Ulquiorra aside like, ironically enough, trash.

He then blinked a few times and looked around, as the red haze of fury lifted from his vision.

"Um… what happened here?" He asked, gazing upon the devastation as though seeing it for the first time. Certainly _he _hadn't done any of that, right? He didn't even remember standing up, much less drawing his Zanpakuto and releasing unholy fury upon all those who opposed him.

Matsumoto smiled. "Nothing, sir. Nothing at all. Now, who wants to go home?"

* * *

"_Most awesome thing I've ever seen!" _Ikkaku said for maybe the fiftieth time.

"Yes. So you keep telling me. I still say you're making a mistake, because I certainly couldn't have done all of that..." Hitsugaya said doubtfully.

"So _fast_, with the _ice_, and the _blood!_" Ikkaku said enthusiastically. "I mean, holy _crap!"_

"It was magnificent. Lovely. A work of sheer beauty." Yumichika said, the jealousy obvious in his tone.

Hitsugaya sighed in annoyance. "Really. People. Can we talk about something else? Your weird little murderous man-crushes are creeping me out almost as much as the Arrancar's legitimate crush on me."

"Aaaaaaaaaaah... Lord Captain Hitsugaya..." Halibel sighed, happily latched onto Hitsugaya's arm and showing not the slightest hint of ever letting go.

For about the millionth time that day, Hitsugaya sighed in annoyance. Still, it was almost over. The Rescued-By-Hitsugaya team, plus two unwanted Arrancar and a pair of Hollows who seemed to be cheerfully oblivious about the fact that they were likely walking to their own deaths by heading into the Soul Society, were approaching the final edge of the Senkaimon now. Another few seconds and...

"Home!" Matsumoto crowed as the group set down in the Seireitei. "And we're all alive, even!"

Hitsugaya smiled, just a little bit, at her enthusiasm. "Well... I'll admit that I _am _happy to be out of Evil Central and back home where it's reasonably safe."

**Five Minutes Later...**

"I am _so _happy I went out and bought more rope." Soi Fon said cheerfully as she looked at the entirety of the Rescue Team Plus Hollows hanging upside-down from the ceiling of Supreme Divine Empress Yoruichi's Imperial Throne Room. Supreme Divine Empress Yoruichi had asked that she take it easy on the arrests for awhile, but Supreme Divine Empress Yoruichi was also taking a very long bath in her new private hot spring, and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

Hitsugaya blinked a few times. "How... how the _Hell?!"_

"You know, I've been asking that for the longest time..." Ukitake said.


	33. Chapter 33

**Author's Note: Hee, hee, hee… I got some reviews for the last chapter that actually said that it wasn't 'consistent with the story's logic'. **

**What does it say about this story that the only response I could think of to this was, "This story still has logic?"**

**Chapter 33: Anyone Else Miss Aizen?**

Momo's eyes blinked open. "Ugh… where… where am I? The last thing I remember, we were running through Hueco Mundo looking for Toshiro…"

"Wow, that's the last thing you remember? Heh. Well, that's probably for the best. You didn't exactly present yourself too well after that." Ikkaku said.

"Eh? What happened?" Momo asked.

"'Ooooooh, Lord Aizen, you're so brave and strong!'" Ayasegawa said in his best impersonation of Momo.

"… I do _not _sound like that." Momo protested.

"He did sound a little like you, there." Halibel said. "But honestly, that's more of an insult to him than it is to you."

"Is… is that an Arrancar? No, there's two of them." Momo asked. "Why are there Arrancars here?" She was lucky she couldn't see Dondochakka and Pesche in her current field of vision, or she would have been _really _confused.

"Arrancars?! Where?!" Nell the Arrancar asked in a panic.

"My loyalty to Lord Captain Hitsugaya transcends the boundaries between Shinigami and Hollow, much like I myself do. I shall serve him faithfully until my dying day." Halibel said proudly.

"Ah. Yes. Of course. How obvious." Momo said dryly. "So, moving on to topics that won't make me feel the need to scrub my brain, could someone tell me where we are?"

"Storage closet." Ikkaku said.

"Hanging upside down from the ceiling." Ayasegawa said.

"Ah. Why?"

"Well, we were hanging upside down from the ceiling in the main chamber until a few minutes ago. But then Captain… I'm sorry, Holy General Soi Fon, Divine Hand of Yoruichi decided there wasn't enough room there, so she had us moved over here."

"And… um… why would there be people hanging upside down in _there?_"

"For the executions."

"… … … … … _whose _executions?" Momo asked, a not-inconsiderable feeling of dread filling her.

"Well, judging by the way Soi Fon was talking," Ikkaku ventured. "I'd say that by the time she's finished, probably the executions of pretty much everybody in the world except for her and Yoruichi."

* * *

"Honestly, now. Captain Soi Fon." Hitsugaya said. He was neither Soi Fon nor Yoruichi, and therefore a little worried due to the fact that his name was distressingly near the top of the Execution List.

"Supreme General Soi Fon, the Holy Sword of Yoruichi." Soi Fon said.

"… okay, could you please stop changing your title? That's kind of a mouthful, but hey, I'll call you that if you just stick with it for thirty minutes. Supreme General." Hitsugaya said. "Look, it's been sort of a long day. I've spent a long time in a desert, got sand in my socks, had to watch Ichigo ruin my universe…"

"Ichigo Kurosaki was with your group?!" Soi Fon asked. "Why isn't he here?! Dammit, you still have an ally at large?!"

"He's not here?" Hitsugaya said, looking around as best he could. "… … … whoops."

**Elsewhere…**

Starrk hummed a tune to himself as he watched the medics chipping away at the ice. "You know, when you think about it, you guys are really lucky I ran away."

"Oh, yes." Ulquiorra said, spitting out some blood. "I certainly feel very lucky."

"I mean, since I ran away, there was actually someone to go get the medical corps. Just think of how things would be if I hadn't, hmmmm? You think Szayel would have bothered to get you guys some doctors? I don't."

"I hate you."

"Aw, don't be like that. You used to be… well, boring, but a nice sort of boring. Don't let this experience make you bitter and… hmmmmm? What's that?" Starrk asked, gesturing towards what appeared to be a… um… sort of a bloody thing. With all the ice, and sand, and assorted devastation, he really couldn't be more specific than that.

"Isn't that Yammy's hands?"

"No, we haven't found those y- huh." Starrk said, turning over the black-clad body he'd just found.

He poked it a few times.

It bled a little bit.

"Hey, Ulquiorra. You might want to take a look at this."

**Back to Soul Society…**

"Yes." Hitsugaya said firmly. "H-he's definitely still at large, and even now he's plotting to save us. I bet he's gathering allies even as we speak."

"We totally didn't forget him in Hueco Mundo with a great big hole in him." Matsumoto said.

"Not even a little." Hitsugaya said. "And… and you'd better watch your back, traitor, because he's _really _strong."

"Like, super-strong." Matsumoto agreed. "And he has a _sword_."

"Curses…" Soi Fon said darkly. "He _does _have a sword, doesn't he? That could ruin everything…"

"Oooooooh," Yachiru said, eyes wide. "I wish I had a sword."

Hitsugaya sighed sadly. "You... you have no idea what's going on, do you?"

"Can I have some cake?" Yachiru asked.

"That's what I thought."

"Because I like cake, so I'd be happy if you let me have some cake. I'd let you have some too, but only a small piece. Most of it is mine."

"There is no cake!"

"Oooooooh," Yachiru said, eyes wide. "I wish I had a cake."

"... ... ... I'm sure you do."

* * *

"All right, we're going to need to think of a plan to get out of here. Since Rangiku isn't here, I'm taking over as temporary head of insane plans." Momo said authoritatively. "Ikkaku, chew through your ropes."

"Why do I have to do it?!"

"I dunno. I need someone to chew through their ropes, right? You're as good as anybody."

"Which, again, begs the question of why it has to be _me."_

"Because I _said _it has to be you. Don't forget who's in charge of insane plans here!" Momo said.

"And that's another thing! How come _you _get to be in charge of insane plans? I bet I could come up with a better insane plan than you."

"Because I'm the only girl with Rangiku gone, so I get to do the planning!"

"First of all, what does that have to do with _anything? _Second, we've got two Arrancar girls, so you aren't the only one!"

"... yes, all right, you have a point." Momo admitted. "I just thought that I should say that instead of the actual reason."

"Which is?"

"That I think that you and Yumichika combined have the intellect of pudding. And not terribly clever pudding."

"Well, now I'm _really _not going to help you."

"Yeah. That's why I didn't mention this before now." Momo admitted. "Look, the fact of the matter is that we really do need to work together to get out of here, and you two are... to put it bluntly, you are not good at plans. If I asked you for advice right now, you'd tell me to trust my instincts, wouldn't you?"

Ikkaku was oddly silent.

"_Wouldn't you_?" Momo asked again.

"I'd tell you to give up!" Yumichika offered.

"That's what I thought. It's plainly obvious that I'm the only one here intelligent enough..." Momo began, before being interrupted by the light 'thump' of Halibel falling to the ground, landing lightly on her feet. "... to realize that we should let the Arrancar plan out our escape. How did you do that, incidentally?"

Halibel pulled down her collar to reveal a vicious, shark-toothed mask covering the lower half of her face. "I am never without a sharp object. The only challenge was getting part of the rope close to my face."

"Ooooh, nice one. Now you can cut the rest of us down, and we can start working on saving the others."

"I could." Halibel agreed. "I'd even briefly considered it. But then I recalled that I actually don't care about any of you, and the only thing in this entire dimension that I feel even the slightest concern for is Lord Captain Hitsugaya. And I further recalled that he would clearly be much more impressed and grateful to me if I rescued him by myself. So then I decided that I was just going to leave you here to rot." She then calmly strode out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Silence reigned for several very awkward seconds.

"Well... nuts." Momo said.

* * *

Ukitake was preparing to give up, frankly.

He'd been handling things pretty well so far, he thought. He hadn't flipped out and murdered Shunsui yet. He'd managed to handle the Madness of Something General Soi Fon (Something of Yoruichi) with a minimum of complaint.

But he'd been hanging upside down from the ceiling for a _long _time now. Reinforcements had arrived twice, and both times they had succeeded only in joining him in hanging upside-down from the ceiling. Also, though he hadn't gotten a good look at them, it had sort of seemed like some of the latest ones were Hollows, and he didn't really know what was up with that.

So when Soi Fon said, "Fine then. I guess in order to prepare for this new threat, I should get rid of the old ones," And drew her Zanpakuto, he didn't really care. He was willing to just accept death on the basis that it would probably be, on a whole, less tedious than life.

And then a miracle occurred.

The doors to the chamber exploded inwards, and a bold and brave new figure stood in them.

"No!" Soi Fon said. "For the love of... can I not go thirty damn seconds without someone interrupting?! All I want to do is execute a bunch of people who, from most perspectives, have not done anything worthy of death. Is that so wrong?!"

"Oh, oh, are we being saved? I wouldn't object to being saved!" Matsumoto chirped.

"That's right!" Sajin Komamura, Captain of the 7th Division said. "I have finally arrived, Soi Fon, seizing this moment to defeat your evil once and for all!"

"Oh, thank God for you!" Hitsugaya said. Soi Fon had been looking at him, specifically, when she'd mentioned 'getting rid of old threats', so he was understandably rather happy for the interruption. "You are a great, great man-fox!"

"Yes, that's true." Komamura agreed. "Now, Soi Fon! Draw your blade and face your fate!"

With a wordless snarl, Soi Fon launched herself forward at near-invisible speeds. The blades of the two captains met and clashed, sparks leaping from them as they slid across each other with a hideous shriek of metal on metal. Soi Fon was obviously not as large or strong, but she more than made up for this with speed and agility; rather than hold the blades in a lock, she used the leverage to physically lift herself from the floor and flip forward over Komamura's head, slashing downwards. The giant raised his gauntleted hand to repel her attack, her zanpakuto cleaving off a chunk of the armor but leaving him otherwise unharmed.

Without hesitation, he clamped his hand down on her weapon and struck out with his own. Soi Fon twisted her body out of the blade's path with inhuman agility, sliding her own weapon out of Komamura's grip and staining the blade with blood from his slashed palm.

She smirked at her red-stained weapon. "First blood to me, then."

"Only last blood matters." Komamura intoned.

"Then permit me to _claim that next!_" Soi Fon snarled, vanishing in a shunpo that had almost no equal among any in the Soul Society.

Komamura instantly slashed his blade behind himself, blocking her attack at the small of his back. "You're predictable, Captain."

Soi Fon's eyes were filled with nothing but rage and madness. "A new trick, then." Instantly the air began to hum with her movement as her flash-step accelerated, making her appear to be in a dozen places at once from the sheer speed. Tiny cuts began to appear over Komamura's face and clothing as he essentially became the center of a hurricane of metal.

He smiled. _"Bankai._"

It became bluntly obvious, then, that the battle up to now had been nothing but a simple diversion to lure Soi Fon close to him and keep her there, in the vicinity. The enormous giant of his Bankai instantly filled this space, tearing the roof off of the building (and consequently burying the people who had been hanging from it, though they probably preferred this to dying)... and sending Soi Fon flying. And then, when she was dizzy, disoriented, off-guard, he struck; the giant's huge fist crushing her into the earth with devastating force.

Soi Fon did not stand again.

Komamura nodded his head in deference to his fallen opponent before moving to unearth the buried prisoners. "Are you all right, Jushiro? Toshiro?"

"Yes, sir!" Ukitake said cheerfully.

"You're the best Captain of them all!" Hitsugaya said.

"I am." Komamura agreed. "Oh, Jushiro, before we begin rebuilding, I have something to tell you that you might not like."

"Well, considering that I'm _alive _to hear it, it can't be that bad." Ukitake said.

"Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably even worse than I originally believed. It's really going to tick you off. I mean really, really going to enrage you. You will be absolutely furious when you hear this." Komamura said.

"Um… well, if you say so… what is it? What's so bad?" Ukitake asked.

"Yeah… see, it turns out that we've already done the dramatic, save-the-day fight. It's over. That was _last _chapter."

"Chapter? What do you mean 'chapter'?"

"Nothing." Komamura said smoothly. "Anyway, my point is that this soon after the last giant battle, there really isn't going to be another one."

"But there just was one!"

"Nooooo… as it turns out, that didn't actually happen."

"Eh?"

"You see, you've been hanging upside down a loooong time. So... funny thing is, a lot of blood has been going to your head, and well, you sort of passed out."

"What?!"

"You're unconscious. This? All of this was just a dream. You're still actually hanging upside-down from the ceiling. You might want to wake up now, since you're probably about to die." Komamura said.

And then Ukitake woke up. He blinked a few times as he saw himself still hanging from the ceiling, and surrounded by a number of people in the same situation.

"… … … _Dammit!" _He said.

* * *

Far, far away, in his pleasant home in the Seireitei, Komamura sat down to eat lunch.

He was sure that someone would have told him if anything urgent were going on, after all.


	34. Chapter 34

**Author's Note: Over 1,000 reviews! **

**I really don't know what to say to that, other than… you, the readers, are totally awesome. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that I continue to keep you entertained.  
**

**Chapter 34: Screwing with the Universe, Part Deux**

"Blurgle! Fhahdalk! Gerfleurder!" Ukitake said, very, very angrily.

"… Captain? Are you quite sane?" Hitsugaya asked, a little disturbed. And let's be honest, you would be too if the person next to you woke up from a brief slip into unconsciousness and immediately began spouting gibberish and foaming at the mouth. Even in an execution lineup, that is simply _not _stable, desirable behavior in one's peers.

"Haggledy kaaha!" Ukitake snarled.

"I think he's lost it, sir." Matsumoto said helpfully.

"What _would _I do without your keen insights, Rangiku?" Hitsugaya asked sarcastically.

"I like to imagine you'd starve to death by the end of the week, since without my brilliant mind supporting you, you'd forget how to eat." Matsumoto said cheerfully. "However, I've noticed that I have a tendency to re-write my own memories so that I come across as better than I actually am. For instance: in my mind, the 11th Division's Barracks were burned down because they felt the need to be closer to me and needed an excuse to move into our place."

"I'm like, 90% sure that isn't right." Zaraki said.

"It might be. We don't know who burned the barracks down or why." Yachiru, the person who had burned the barracks down, solemnly reminded everyone. "It's a great mystery that flows through the cosmos like a river."

"You did it, didn't you?" Hitsugaya asked. "Why am I even asking? Of course you did."

"Like a river." Yachiru repeated in what she probably assumed was a mysterious voice.

"I hate you." Hitsugaya said. Almost fondly, at this point; he'd been hating Yachiru so frequently these days that it was hard to _really _hate her anymore. Like… like really getting _angry _when she did or said something stupid would just be silly; akin to getting angry at the sun for shining, or the grass for growing. Could you really get mad at something for following its nature? Then, in the same almost-fond tone, he continued, "When we get out of here? I think I'm just going to leave you and Zaraki here to rot. Forever."

Well, just because you couldn't get mad at something for following its nature didn't mean you couldn't punish it for doing so. That was just logical.

"I've found a flaw in your reasoning, sir." Matsumoto said.

"Enlighten me."

"Okay, here goes… you're assuming we're _going _to get out of here." Matsumoto said proudly. "You really shouldn't given that all evidence suggests that won't be happening."

"Ah. I suppose you have a point." Hitsugaya admitted. "Cap… I'm sorry, Something or Other Soi Fon, the Something of Yoruichi, is right there, after all."

"I can't help but get the feeling you are mocking my Holy Title." Soi Fon said. "This is… unwise."

"Oh, _really_? I am in a situation where I have something to _lose _by annoying you? I am hanging upside down from the ceiling about to be murdered, Yachiru is here, Rangiku has taken it upon herself to talk and talk and _talk_, and you are suggesting that my situation can somehow get worse?"

"_Possibly."_

"… … … ah. Well, I suppose if someone were able to pull that off, it would be you." Hitsugaya admitted. "I'm sorry for mocking your constantly changing title."

"Holy Title." Soi Fon corrected.

"Holy Title."

"Apology accepted. Now, please, by all means, continue your discussions. I do so enjoy the last desperate flailing of idiots before I bring the knife down." Soi Fon said cheerfully. "Watching you futilely attempt to think of some way to avoid your inevitable doom makes me feel warm inside."

"Thanks." Hitsugaya said. "Okay, Rangiku, you've made your case. But what now? I don't suppose you have some plan to get out of this situation, now that you've pointed out just exactly how horrible it is?"

"Well… um… we could trick her into calling you 'Shir…', er, a certain nickname."

"Wouldn't help." Hitsugaya said dismissively.

"… … I got like, eight bleeding Espada who would say differently." Matsumoto replied frankly.

"I mean, it only works when it's a guy." Hitsugaya said. "It's annoying when girls say it, but it's not _as _bad. Not enough to really, really piss me off."

"… really? Why is that?" Matsumoto asked, curious in spite of herself.

"Because… a man… has to… respect… the ladies!" Kyoraku gasped. "Play on, Hitsu-playa..."

"Oh, goodie. You're conscious again." Hitsugaya said, his tone dripping so much sarcasm a mop would be needed in the room later. "It's not _that. _I'm just sort of… de-sensitized to it when it comes from a female voice. You see…"

**Many, many years ago…**

"Momo, dear!" Granny Hitsugaya said. "Look who's come to join our family! He arrived in the Rukongai just a few hours ago, so please be kind to him."

"Aw, he's a little cutie!" Momo said, smiling at the tiny white-haired boy hiding behind Granny's leg. "What's your name, little fella?"

"T-Toshiro…" Little Hitsugaya said.

"Awwwwww! Toshiro, and that pretty white hair… I know! I'm going to call you 'shiro-chan'!"

Little Hitsugaya's eye twitched. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Hey, wait here, Shiro-chan. I'm gonna go get some candy for you!" Momo said cheerfully, skipping off.

"… am I allowed to hurt her?" Little Hitsugaya asked.

"Only if you want to be chucked back into the streets." Granny said primly.

**Later…**

"Hey, Shiro-chan, I got some watermelon!"

**Later…**

"Happy birthday, Shiro-chan!"

**Later…**

"Shiro-chan!"

**Later…**

"Shiro-chan!"

**Later…**

"Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chanShiro-chanShiro-chanShiro-chanShiro-chanShiro-chan…"

**Back in the Present…**

"You get the idea?" Hitsugaya said. "After awhile, you just sort of… get used to it."

"Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan!" Yachiru said, for no reason at all.

"See? I'm barely furious at all."

"Well, that's a problem." Matsumoto admitted. "I was really counting on you going totally insane and solving the problem for me. To be honest? I was actually sort of planning to solve _all _of my problems like that from now on, no matter how inappropriate a solution it was to sic a berserk little ice monster on them. 'Shiro-chan' was going to ensure I never had to open a jar of pickles by hand again…" Matsumoto said sadly.

"Well, no use moping about it. What other plans have you got?"

"Um… frankly, not many." Matsumoto admitted. "We could always hope that someone drops by to save us."

"Milord!" Halibel shouted, leaping into the room. "I have come to rescue you!"

"… … …" Matsumoto said. "We could always hope that enough money to let me retire and live in luxury for the rest of time falls from the sky!" She looked around hopefully, seeing if cash began to rain from the heavens. When it did not, she sighed in disappointment. "That never works."

"He-llo!" Kyoraku said. "Toshiro, would this by any chance be your… newest conquest?"

Hitsugaya's jaw dropped. It was hard, considering he was upside down and his jaw was therefore facing up, but he somehow managed it. "Weren't you… weren't you gasping for breath in agony just a few seconds ago?"

"Well, yeah, but that was before something juicy happened." Kyoraku said. "Gossip is the best medicine."

"I thought that was laughter."

"Well, I'm going to be laughing at you a _lot _once you're not in the room anymore. Does that count?" Kyoraku asked. "Now, answer the question: has the Hitsugayarem grown by yet another lady?"

"There is no 'Hitsugayarem'! And quit making up words!" Hitsugaya protested.

"So in other words: yes." Kyoraku said cheerfully. "Alllllll right."

"I hate you. I hate you so much." Hitsugaya grumbled. "When we get free, I'm going to hurt you."

"Well then, I guess he'll be okay." Matsumoto said. "Because while you were talking, Soi Fon defeated your hussy and tied her up with the rest of us."

"Eh? What, really?" Hitsugaya said, looking around as best he could. Sure enough, Halibel had already joined the rest of the people hanging from the ceiling. "Wow, she is… she is _really _fast."

"Tell me about it." Halibel grumbled.

* * *

"Okay, people. I'm not going to lie to you: things are looking bleak." Momo said grimly. "We're trapped at the mercy of a madwoman, unable to escape to the aid of our loved ones. And Yachiru. We are bound, unarmed, and our biggest hope of escape cheerfully informed us that she was ditching us and walked out the door. So the situation is pretty bad.

"But this is _it_, people. This is our chance. We may well be the only hope that Toshiro and the others have of getting out of this building alive. This is our moment of glory! We _need _to escape this room, and we _shall _escape! _Are you all with me_?"

"How are you planning to escape?" Ikkaku asked.

"… … … … … I was actually going to wait until you all agreed to be with me, then have you work together to come up with something."

"So you got nothing?"

"I got nothing."

Silence fell over the room for several minutes.

"Oh, what? So I'm the only one who can do anything? I have to come up with all the plans? Not _one _of you can think up anything on your own?" Momo snapped indigantly.

Nel considered this. "But before, didn't you say you _wanted _to come up with all the plans?"

"... ... ... ... ... ... shut up." Momo said.

Silence fell for several more minutes.

"Think of a plan yet?" Yumichika asked.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Momo shrieked.

* * *

"Okay, any other plans?" Hitsugaya asked.

"We could try to bluff the universe." Kyoraku suggested.

"Eh?"

"You know how when you say, 'it can't possibly get worse', it always does? That's because the universe loves to give you the opposite of what you want. So if we make the universe think we _want _to die, we'll live." Kyoraku explained.

"… Captain Kyoraku. If I've learned one thing over the last several days, it's that you can't fool the universe." Hitsugaya warned. "You might try to outsmart it, but it knows everything and sees everything, and it hates you. It hates you, it hates me, it hates _everyone. _If something goes well for a person, it is only because that same sequence of events will be _worse _for someone else. If you find a penny, know that it is only a small fraction of one-thousand dollars lost by someone else. I will bet you a millennium's worth of salary that the instant we finally manage to finish off Aizen, it will be revealed that he actually had a dozen painfully adorable children with a loving wife. And his wife probably has cancer and will die without him to pay for her treatment."

"That's… that's sort of a bitter way to look at the world." Kyoraku said, eyes wide.

"_Bitter isn't the same as wrong._" Hitsugaya and Matsumoto said in perfect unison.

"Aw, we might as well try, right? What do we have to lose?" Kyoraku said.

"God, you just can't stop talking, can you?" Hitsugaya said. "We. Can. Always. Lose. _Something. _You might not even realize you have it, but you _can lose it._"

"Geez, you're just a pessimist. Here, watch. Ah-hem… 'Gee, I hope that nobody saves us and we get killed!'"

Soi Fon stabbed him.

"… … …" Kyoraku said, bleeding.

"Warned ya." Matsumoto said.

"Look, Kyoraku…" Hitsugaya said.

"Glurgle…" Kyoraku said, choking a little on the blood.

"… right, you might not be in any condition to listen, but you can't fool the universe. But your idea isn't totally without merit, in a way… we might not be able to bluff the universe, but it might be possible to work _with _it." Hitsugaya said. "At least it's worth a try! All right people, if we want to escape, we need to somehow engineer a situation where our escaping is somehow worse than our being here!" Hitsugaya said.

"Well, what about Soi Fon?" Matsumoto suggested. "Our escape would be really bad for her, wouldn't it? Would that count?"

"Foolish, whorish clown." Halibel said.

"Ex-cuse me?"

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Halibel said. "There are so many of us, and only one of her. The unhappiness wouldn't balance. Just making her unhappy isn't enough. We need to create a situation where being saved would be bad for her and, somehow, bad for at least a few of _us _as well. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that a dolt like you failed to recognize this, but my lord Hitsugaya instantly seized upon this vital point and thus has not even brought it up, it is so _obvious _to him."

"Well, once we're free I'm going to kill you, Hollow. That's pretty bad for one of us." Yamamoto said.

"That's a start." Hitsugaya said, "But it doesn't seem to balance out yet because we're still stuck. Also, can you not do that? This one is really good for my ego. How about you kill a few of the other Hollows we brought back? The fat one maybe, nobody likes him."

"Oh, oh, and the thin one!" Matsumoto agreed. "Probably not the kid, that would be a little too dark."

"Wouldn't she get angry that we killed all her friends?" Halibel asked.

"Do you actually care, or did you just want more lines?" Matsumoto asked.

"… … …" Halibel said.

"Thought so. Well, that's one thing, but I think we might still need to make things a little worse for ourselves." Matsumoto said. "Is there anyone on our side who can help balance the universe by _wanting _to die? I think if someone wants to die, we might be able to pull off living."

"Well, I doubt that anyone would…" Hitsugaya said.

"I do." Ukitake croaked.

"Oh, Captain Ukitake, you've… snapped out of it. We were discussing…" Hitsugaya began.

"I hate my life, and everything about it. My entire world has recently devolved into a series of pain and humiliation inflicted on me at random. I can legitimately say that I no longer care if I die or not. Just get it over with." Ukitake said.

"… … … sorry?" Hitsugaya said.

"Oh, it's not your fault. You don't have to apologize." Ukitake said. "Soi Fon? It is your fault, but you don't have to apologize either, because I really do no longer care. Just kill me. Get it over with. Hurry, before I have another dream to build my hopes up and then shatter them."

"Wow, Captain Ukitake, are you really…"

"Shhhhhh!" Matsumoto said urgently. "Don't try to cheer him up! Pray for death, big guy!"

"Go on. Do it. You've been talking about it for hours, so man up and finish me off. Come on, I dare ya, bitch." Ukitake said. "I. Want. It. To. End."

"All right." Soi Fon said. "To be frank, I was really expecting a lot more begging and a lot less yammering on about totally inane things. But in the end, I'm sort of glad I let you all live, listened to your words. They gave me the satisfaction of realizing that as _odd _a hope as it was, you did have one, final hope. And I get to crush it, right here, and right now. So finally, you get to die, secure in the knowledge that _nobody _is coming to save y-"

"Stop right there." A new voice said, rather mildly.

Soi Fon clenched her fists so hard she drew blood. "God _dammit!_"

"Woo-hoo! Score one for the universe!" Matsumoto cheered.


	35. Chapter 35

**Author's Note: An update that actually ocurred in a reasonable timeframe? What madness is this? **

**All I can say is, sometimes a chapter just writes itself and I have little to no say in it.**

**Chapter 35: The Trials of Something General Soi Fon, Something of Yoruichi **

"I've tried to be calm. I wanted everyone to simply fall into line and worship at the feet of the Supreme Divine Empress Yoruichi, chosen of the Creator and Holy Lady of Heaven." Soi Fon said.

"Wow, everyone's titles seem to be growing lately…" Hitsugaya muttered.

"To the gentleman who just spoke: _would you like me to peel off your face and you make you eat it?" _Soi Fon said coldly.

"I would not like that, no." Hitsugaya confirmed.

"Then you are going to shut up?"

"Yes'm." Hitsugaya confirmed.

"Good. Now, where was I?"

"Fall into line and worship." The new arrival said helpfully.

"Ah! Yes, thank you. Yes, all I sought was to ensure that each and every being in creation knew that the Holy Lady Yoruichi was now their sovereign mistress, and that she was to be held in reverence and worship until the end of time, with me as her closest confidante and most trusted servant and occasional lover. You know, whenever she felt I was worthy of being graced with her presence."

"Yes, I was able to gather that based on the statues of her that are being erected all over the place, some of which are… well, let's put it this way: it's perhaps a good thing that Lady Shihouin never quite got the hang of the nudity taboo, because many of her new representations are quite distinctly not suitable for children." The new arrival said mildly.

"Now, granted, certain undesirable elements had to be removed." Soi Fon continued. "Traitors had to be purged. Those who would not bend the knee to our new Lady Queen would have to be brought into line. Those who sought to halt my rise to power would have to be dealt with. I've been making some progress with that." She said, gesturing around the room at all the bound people.

"Quite a collection you've got here." The new arrival agreed. "And what exactly are you planning to do with them?"

"Isn't that obvious?" Soi Fon asked, holding her blade up. It still dripped with Kyoraku's blood.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"And you intend to stop me? Or rather, _try _to stop me and then end up exactly like all of these people? Because that's what has happened to a _lot _of the people in here."

"True." Yamamoto said.

"In my defense, I wasn't really trying as hard as I probably should have." Zaraki said.

"She is… unusually nimble." Halibel said delicately.

"I wasn't trying to stop anything! I didn't even know there was a change in leadership! You just locked me up because you're crazy!" Hitsugaya said.

"_Wow, _you are really wanting to see what your own face tastes like, I guess." Soi Fon said, not even bothering to look in Hitsugaya's direction.

He shut up.

"Better. Now, are you seeing my point, here?" Soi Fon asked. "You look at all of these powerful people who I have utterly humiliated, and you really think you can do _better?"_

Retsu Unohana, still standing in the doorway as she listened to Soi Fon's speech, smiled softly. "Yes, basically."

"Ah. And my next question would be: Are you brain-damaged?"

"Probably not, although I'm really hung-over. Fortunately I've got, you know, kido and the like. When you have super healing magic, a headache is really not a huge issue." Unohana said.

"You might want to check that again, because from where I'm standing... which is holding onto the safe end of a sword and pointing the business end at you... you're either still very intoxicated, or you're just really, really stupid."

"Honestly, considering that I've come here to intervene instead of hiding in my house like Captain Kuchiki, possibly a little of both. But alas, here I am, so we might as well make the most of it." Unohana admitted.

"Then you _are _here to oppose me."

"Only if you don't listen to reason. Soi Fon, you are behaving in an irrational manner. Yoruichi is just being her typical doofus self, but _you _are legitimately dangerous, and so I'm going to have to ask you to stop this, let all of these people go, and remand yourself into my custody. Really, now." Unohana said, waving at the captives. "This has gone far enough. Stop it, now. I'm quite serious."

"Oh, no, the _medic _is serious." Soi Fon said. "What exactly will you do if I _don't?"_

"You'll force me to unleash a power upon you that you can't match. A power that I have been building since centuries before you were born." Unohana said calmly.

Soi Fon laughed.

She laughed loud, and long, and clear, the laugh of the truly entertained. She laughed the laugh of someone who had just heard the funniest thing they have _ever _heard, the funniest thing they ever would hear. "Y-you… hahahahahahahaha! Oh, oh that's rich! I… HAHAHAHAHA! I suppose I'll now be facing the legendary fury of Unohana! I keep hearing that one stupid line, what was it… ah, yes! 'I'd rather be crisped by Captain-Commander Yamamoto's bankai than get on Unohana's bad side'! Now that's a glowing praise for your power, it most certainly is!" Soi Fon said. "Remind me… who always says that? Who talks about how horrible it would be to tick you off? Oh, yeah."

Her arm shot out, grabbing the bleeding and unconscious Shunsui by the neck. "_This guy! _Now, I don't know about you, but I don't know if I can really consider his word to be all that great, frankly. It seems to me that if his personal judgment and intelligence were all that great, he wouldn't be hanging upside down from the ceiling and unconscious from big damn stab wounds, would he? So maybe, just maybe, considering the mental state of the person who's been spreading your hype for all these centuries… is it possible that you just don't quite live up to it? That it is, in fact, a load of crap?"

"Possible." Unohana said softly. "But you'll be finding out for certain if you don't just calm down and walk away."

"Calm down? Walk away?" Soi Fon said. "Now I _know_ you don't live up to your hype."

"Hmmm? And why would that be?"

"A few reasons. First, someone who was genuinely as dangerous as you have been described to be wouldn't need to bother with negotiations."

"Ah, well, I'm not as young as I used to be. This sort of thing takes a lot out of me, and I'd like to avoid it." Unohana said cheerfully.

"Second..." Soi Fon said, and then, in the space of a blink, mid-sentence, she was _behind _Unohana, her blade pressed against the older woman's neck. "... someone genuinely as dangerous as you have been described to be wouldn't have lowered her guard so pitifully."

Unohana sighed sadly. "I suppose this means that you coming along peacefully is out of the question."

"Oh, I think that it was never really _in _the question." Hitsugaya said. "She's not in a reasonable mood."

"Why has no one killed me?" Ukitake asked. "I really don't care. It doesn't have to be Soi Fon; anyone can do it. Anyone at all. Come on, I bet it will be fun."

"Hush, Jushiro. Everything will be all right in just a second." Unohana said soothingly.

"I wish I could believe that, Dream Retsu, but experience has taught me otherwise." Ukitake said cheerfully. "No, death is safer than hope."

"Yesssss!" Matsumoto hissed. "Let the despair flow through you! It gives us _strength_, it makes the Universe _serve us!" _

Hitsugaya blinked at her a few times. "Um... wow, Matsumoto. You think you could dial down the enthusiasm a bit?"

"Hey, shortie, I don't know about you, but I want to _live." _Matsumoto said bluntly. "And if the only way I can do that is to make Ukitake long for death and then not give it to him, I'm willing to make that sacrifice! Or rather, I'm willing to make _him_ make that sacrifice for my benefit!"

Unohana listened to this exchange in mild surprise. "Wow. You have _really _done a number on these people, haven't you?"

"I try." Soi Fon said modestly. "As you'll be seeing shortly once I have you hanging upside down from the ceiling with them. I suppose I could just kill you and skip that step, but I've been doing it so long it just seems traditional at this point. You know... comforting."

Unohana sighed again. "Very well. I truly didn't want to do this, but you've forced my hand."

"Whatever you want, give it your best shot." Soi Fon said. "I'm a _lone ninja who's _fighting with_ the power of love. _There's nothing in the damn universe that can lay a finger on me."

"Fortunately, I don't have to." Unohana said. She turned to look Soi Fon in the eyes.

The air grew still and quiet. Even the breathing of those in the room seemed to be dulled somehow. There was a sense of foreboding, as if something ancient and mighty were stirring from a slumber of the ages and looking upon the world for the first time in aeons. How would this power react to what it saw? Who would survive, in the end? There was no answer to these questions.

Unohana spoke, then.

With immeasurable sadness in her eyes, she said, "I just want you to know... I'm not angry, Soi Fon. I'm _disappointed." _

Soi Fon recoiled as if physically struck. "Wh-what... what was...?" She muttered. What had just happened? Unohana had done nothing of note; she'd spoken a few words. They weren't even a kido. And yet Soi Fon felt as though a spear of ice had been driven deep into her soul, a deep, crushing chill that permeated her entire being.

"I've done so much for you. I work tirelessly, day in and day out, to keep you and your little friends healthy and happy." Unohana said, still sadly. "I do this because I care, Soi. I really do. And to see you respond by treating me like this... it hurts."

Soi Fon fell to her knees. "S... stop it..." She muttered. "What are you... what are you doing to... to me..."

"Look me in the eyes when I talk to you, young lady." Unohana said firmly. "I want you to understand just how much your selfishness has hurt the people who care about you."

"Oh... oh God..." Soi Fon said weakly, tears filling her eyes. What was going on? What was this woman _doing _to her? She hadn't been so much as scratched, but she felt so weak and terrible and... and... _guilty._

She didn't understand, of course. She wasn't capable of understanding. What she faced at this moment was not Retsu Unohana, Shinigami Captain. _That _was a foe she could deal with, something she could face down and defeat. No, right now she was facing something infinitely more insidious and powerful, something that even 'the only ninja' couldn't overcome.

She was facing 'mom'.

Not her own, biological mother, of course (Well, I suppose that chronologically speaking it wouldn't be impossible for her to somehow be Unohana's daughter, but that probably would have been mentioned by someone before now), but in this instance blood relations were totally meaningless. The power that Unohana exuded was the raw, pure, undiluted and unspeakably amplified _essence _of 'mom', a power that she had gained the ability to project by building it up over centuries of bandaging scrapes, warming up tea, tousling hair, listening to nightmares, and just generally taking care of everyone and everything. Right at this moment, biology was irrelevant because Retsu Unohana _was_ Soi Fon's mom, regardless of whether or not they shared even a single drop of blood in common. More than that, she was _everyone's _mom. She was the mom of people who were older than her. She was, at this instant, her own mother's mom.

And nobody, _nobody, _could make a person feel guilty quite like mom.

"I know how it is. You think I was never young and in love? You just want to impress your crush. But in the process, you're alienating everyone else, lashing out at the world. You're hurting the people who care about you. You're hurting _me. _Do you _want _to hurt me? Do you do it on purpose, does it bring you joy to see me suffer after everything I've done for you?" Unohana asked. The only visible emotion in her eyes was sadness.

"N... n... n... no..." Soi Fon said with visible effort.

"Then why do you do it? Why do you keep lashing out at me when I only want to help?" Unohana asked.

"I... don't... know..." Soi Fon said through gritted teeth, tears running down her face from some combination of the soul-crushing guilt and the effort to ignore the soul-crushing guilt.

"And yet you continue to do it. I thought I raised you better than that," Unohana said sadly. She had not, in point of fact, raised Soi Fon at all, but this meant nothing at all at the moment. Right now, she _had _raised Soi Fon, from an infant, after suffering through a twenty-hour labor.

"I... I... I..." Soi Fon said, gasping for air.

"And yet... I could forgive this. You know I can forgive anything from you. All you have to do is apologize and promise to stop misbehaving. Can you do that?" Unohana asked, smiling warmly.

Soi Fon's entire being was suffused with relief and joy. Instantly, the chilling aura of intense sorrow that permeated the room was replaced by one of hope and comfort. Things _could _be all right. Everything _could _go back to normal. Mom would _forgive _her, and maybe even give her a cup of warm milk and tuck her into bed. Her mind was no longer able to register the fact that none of these thoughts made the slightest bit of sense. "I... of course. Of course. I'm so, so sorry..."

Unohana's smile lit up the room. "Of course you are. You really are a good girl." She said, wrapping Soi Fon in a tight hug.

"Ah. Thank you, thank you so much..." Soi Fon said, the pallor fading from her cheeks and the effort fading from her voice. She looked happier and healthier than anyone in the room had seen her in years.

"Now, why don't you let all these nice people go? Then we can take you home and let you take a nice, long nap. You deserve a rest, don't you? You've worked so hard."

"That sounds nice." Soi Fon murmured, already looking half asleep.

* * *

The dismantlement of the Divine Empire of Yoruichi-sama, Holy... something, or whatever... was surprisingly simple.

It helped that the 'empress' herself didn't actually care all that much, and that the majority of the Stealth Forces ninjas involved were all too happy to go back to the way things were. They had less work to do under the old regime. The only major problem there was that it had to be firmly impressed upon Yoruichi that she _would _be visiting Soi Fon at least three times a month. Nobody wanted any garbage like this to happen again.

Unohana took the semi-coherent ringleader back to her house, presumably to give her some nice soothing tea and read her a bedtime story. Hanataro Yamada crawled out of wherever he'd taken to hiding after proving he was a really bad executioner in order to prove that, A) He was a much better medic than he was a murderer and B) Remind everyone his name was _Hanataro_. There was no 'M' in there, anywhere. Nobody was quite sure why he insisted on stressing this second point even while tending Kyoraku's wounds, but he was.

Ukitake just sort of wandered off. He claimed that he'd decided to just take what was rapidly becoming known as 'the Kuchiki approach' and just lock himself up somewhere and refuse to admit anything was happening outside. Frankly, everyone was pretty willing to accept that he'd earned that much.

They found Momo, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and the Least Threatening Hollows Ever in a storage closet. Yamamoto had briefly considered killing them, but it was decided that in the long run, it would probably be a better balance to the unhappiness of the universe to leave _those _three idiots alive. There was talk of throwing them back into Hueco Mundo as soon as anyone could work up the energy to care about them one way or the other. Yachiru began to wonder who Nel was, and if _she _was Nel, and if so would Ken-chan still let her ride on his shoulder, and could _Nel _ride on his shoulder, and what if _she _was Nel but Nel was also Nel? That would be insane.

It was at this point that everyone began to not listen to Yachiru, though if they were really smart they would have done that at the very beginning.

After that, they just... walked. The battered, traumatized, and really annoyed group (along with a handful of people too stupid to process exactly what trauma they'd been through) just... sort of walked.

What else was there to do? There were still problems left to solve, of course, the most pressing being where the 10th and 11th Divisions weregoing to sleep, but that could wait. For now, the last remaining major obstacle in their paths had been removed. There was really nothing between them and a return to something approaching normalcy. It was a strange, sobering thought after the events that had wracked them for so long.

And so they walked, in silence, out of the building and into the sunlight. Toshiro Hitsugaya briefly winced as the bright light flooded into his eyes, but he soon adjusted and looked to the horizon with a smile. He took a step forward, and began to walk toward the shining future.

**_The En_-**

"I can't believe it's finally over." Matsumoto said.

Hitsugaya had her pinned to the ground, his hands clamped around her throat, in the space of a second.

"You _idiot." _He hissed. "Have you not been paying attention to _anything? _How could you say that? Why _would _you say that?"

"Urk! Wh-what…" Matsumoto gasped.

"It's finally over? You can't believe _it's finally over?_" He growled. "You dolt! You've just made absolutely sure that it is _not _over! You know how the Universe is, Rangiku! You've been here for the whole ride, I _know _you know how the Universe is! Now that it knows one of us actually said 'it's all over', the Universe won't let it _be _all over, or are you honestly stupid enough to think it's going to let that one pass? We were finally home free and then you just had to open your big, stupid, _mouth!" _

_"_But... but all the conflicts have been finished, right? There's nothing else to do! The Universe won't mind, I'm sure! I mean, look, nothing's happen-" Matsumoto began.

The skies above them went dark, as a black tear in space appeared between them and the sun: a Garganta, the portal to Hueco Mundo.

"Oh. That's right. We never did quite finish up that whole 'left Ichigo in Hueco Mundo' thing." Matsumoto said dully.

"_See?" _Hitsugaya said. "You see what you _did? _Just remember, we were almost out and then _you _dragged us back in."

From the depths of the blackened abyss, a figure in white emerged, followed in short order by eleven others; a gathering of power that made the very air quiver as if in terror. The sun seemed to grow even more dim, even though the Garganta did not grow further.

Sosuke Aizen descended into Soul Society like a conquering hero, his sword in his hand and a small triumphant smile on his face. Gin and Tousen flanked him on either side, and the Espada minus Halibel followed on his heels. "Oh, don't be too hard on the poor girl, Toshiro." He said. "Let's be honest, we all _knew _this was how it would end."


	36. Chapter 36

**Author's Note: The TV Tropes page for this story got a Crowning Moment of Funny entry attached to it! So if you have a favorite funny moment from the story, head on over there and add it in! **

**Or don't. I guess you don't _have _to, it's just... you know. A thought. Whatever you prefer. **

**Chapter 36: … Okay, There Is No Way He Planned That.**

"I… you… all… again?" Hitsugaya said, a soul-deep pain in his voice as he observed Aizen, his fellow traitors, and the nine unlikable members of the Espada. "Again? Really?"

"You seem surprised, Toshiro." Aizen said calmly, a smirk of triumph on his face.

"_Again? **Really?**_" Hitsugaya asked once more.

"… all right, now you seem more surprised than you _should._" Aizen said. "Did you really think I'd let you get away?"

"Yes!"

"… you did? Why?"

"Well, it might have had something to do with the way I _totally demolished you all. **Twice**." _Hitsugaya said. Sure, he didn't remember either time, but people kept telling him he'd done it. "I mean, God man, I thought you were supposed to be a genius! How is it you cannot master basic pattern recognition? Even chimps can get that down! If you stick your hand into something twice and it hurts both times, you _stop sticking your hand into it! _It takes toddlers three seconds and an open flame to learn this lesson, yet somehow Lord High McTactics cannot wrap his mind around it!"

"C-Captain… Aizen…" Momo said, a glazed look in her eyes.

Matsumoto punched her solidly across the face, dropping her like a sack of potatoes.

All eyes turned to the two vice-captains, one of whom was still conscious.

"What?" Matsumoto asked indignantly. "I really couldn't take another five hours of her gushing over Aizen like a loony. This is easier for everyone."

"Fair enough." Hitsugaya admitted. "Now, Aizen, where were we…"

"You were wondering why I'm here to make war upon you despite a series of horrible, painful setbacks." Aizen said.

"Ah, yes. I mean, let's be honest here… Yammy's still missing an arm. You can't exactly be at your best right this minute." Hitsugaya pointed out.

"Ah, well, that's just because the other one is still frozen somewhere. It's probably around." Aizen said. "In any event, we don't need both of Yammy's arms."

"I would still like somebody to find that arm eventually, though." Yammy said. "I kind of like having two of them, y'know? That way I can hold stuff in two hands. Like, sometimes I'm eating, and I want to hold the person I'm eating in one hand and a beverage in the other. And…"

"Think about clouds, Yammy." Ulquiorra said.

"Okay." Yammy said, instantly falling into profound silence.

"Thank you, Ulquiorra." Aizen said.

"I live to serve, milord."

"In any event, as I was saying: Things have changed, Toshiro. _I_ have changed. And it's all thanks to you, really..."

Gin smiled. "Even I have to admit, we really seem to have pulled it off this time. And to think after all that planning, it was a total coincidence that..."

"Ah, but was it?" Aizen asked.

Gin stopped smiling. "... what?"

"I don't want Toshiro here to think that I defeated him so utterly, and so completely, just due to some twisted fluke. He has to _understand_, Gin." Aizen said. "Rather than just knowing I defeated you, Toshiro, you have to know _how _I defeated you. You must comprehend the depths to which you have been outwitted."

Gin blinked a few times. "But... but he wasn't really outwitted. I was _there, _I saw what you did and I know you didn't plan it out ahead of time. I know this for a fact."

"Oh, Gin, you simple dolt." Aizen said, almost warmly. "That's only to the untrained eye. Here, let me explain... it began seventy years ago..."

**Seventy Years Ago...**

_The Rukongai was not a nice place, in general. Even the first district, the one closest to the Seireitei, was sort of lousy; once you got out as far as Kusajishi, the second-to-last district, things got really awful. As a result, bars were not uncommon... drinking away one's sorrows was basically a requirement just to get through the day. Assuming one did get through the day, which was not remotely a guarantee._

_What was uncommon, however, was to see a Shinigami in one of these bars._

_Sosuke Aizen sat at the bar, smiling, next to a man who seemed about ready to jump out of his skin. He was visibly shaking, not from fear of the Shinigami next to him, but just from a general over-abundance of energy. He seemed, basically, to just be on a permanent sugar rush._

_Over at another table, a beautiful woman with pink hair was watching this odd display with an utterly worriless smile on her face. "Hee, hee... shaky guy! That makes me think of waffles." She said cheerfully, taking another shot as she did so, the strange comment utterly incongrous with how easily she held her alcohol._

_Aizen placed a hand on the overly energetic guy's shoulders and motioned at the pink haired, incredibly immature and bizarre woman. "You know, man, I think she likes you..."_

**The Present...**

Hitsugaya blinked. "Wait, are you saying you introduced Yachiru's parents?"

"Indeed. I needed to create the perfect pawn for my far-reaching, decades long master scheme. Bonding together her father's boundless energy with her mother's stupidity so deep it borders insanity, I was able to..." Aizen began.

"Wait, wait, wait." Hitsugaya said. "That doesn't make sense. How could you have possibly predicted that their genes would interact in that specific way? Or that they'd even have a child in the first place? What would you have done if they hadn't hit it off?"

"Complete Hypnosis."

"What... but that doesn't..."

"_Complete Hypnosis. _Now, once I had ensured that Yachiru would be born, the next step was to make sure that the Captain of the Division that I would one day place her own Division next to..."

"But you're not the one who decided that! Which Captain is assigned to which division just depends on where there's an opening, and nobody could have predicted which one Zaraki would choose to take over, or that he would take one over at all!" Matsumoto said.

"... would be Captained by someone I could easily manipulate. To that end, I also began my manipulations of young Toshiro..."

**Back in the Past...**

_"Momo, dear!" Granny Hitsugaya said. "Look who's come to join our family! He arrived in the Rukongai just a few hours ago, so please be kind to him."_

_"Aw, he's a little cutie!" Momo said, smiling at the tiny white-haired boy hiding behind Granny's leg. "What's your name, little fella?"_

_"T-Toshiro…" Little Hitsugaya said._

_"Awwwwww! Toshiro, and that pretty white hair… I know! I'm going to call you 'shiro-chan'!"_

_Little Hitsugaya's eye twitched. "I'd rather you didn't."_

_"Hey, wait here, Shiro-chan. I'm gonna go get some candy for you!" Momo said cheerfully, skipping off._

_"… am I allowed to hurt her?" Little Hitsugaya asked._

_"Only if you want to be chucked back into the streets." Granny said primly._

_Little Hitsugaya sighed and said, "Well, I'm going to go look around my new house, I guess..."_

_Once he'd left the room, Aizen poked his head in the window. "Ah, Granny Hitsugaya, my old friend whom I never mentioned to anyone I was old friends with. I see you have adopted that child I told you about?"_

_"Why, yes I have! Thank you, Sosuke, the poor dear really did need someone to care for him." Granny Hitsugaya said._

_"Yes," Aizen said, smiling wickedly. "Yes he did."_

**Back to the Present...**

"Oh, now you're just making stuff up." Hitsugaya said in annoyance.

"Of course not. I intentionally placed you in that home, knowing your proximity to Momo would cause both of your latent powers to begin awakening. I needed you to become a Shinigami Captain so..."

Ikkaku raised his hand. "If she was your old friend, why did you call her _'granny' _instead of her real name?"

"And how could you have possibly known that Lord Hitsugaya's latent powers would be powerful enough to earn him a Captaincy?" Halibel asked in confusion. "I mean, certainly the aura of glory and magnificence that he projects would suggest such, but only I can see that."

"... That's not important." Aizen said.

"No, it sort of is..." Hitsugaya said.

"What's _really _important is what happened _next!" _Aizen said.

"Oh, come..." Hitsugaya began.

**In the Past. Again...**

"_Oooooh, that looks yummy." Yachiru, now a vice-captain of the 11th Division, eyed the cake with obvious hunger. "Gimme."_

_Aizen smiled, and with a single kido, reduced the cake to ash._

_"W... why...?" Yachiru squealed, tears welling in her eyes._

_"Because..." Aizen said fondly. "I will be teaching you how to bake your own cake. With the huge, dangerous oven that is filled with fire."_

_"Ooooooooooooh..." Yachiru said. "Nerd is nice!"_

_"I know." Aizen said. "Why, I bet that... hmmmm... in seven months, after I leave the Soul Society..."_

_"Why are you leaving?"_

_"No reason. I bet that after I leave, you'll want to bake a really huge cake."_

_Yachiru's eyes widened. "I bet I will." She said in a dull, compliant sort of voice._

_"And I bet you probably won't pay too much attention to it, but that's okay. It's perfectly all right for you to leave fire unattended." Aizen said, still smiling._

_"I do have a short attention span." Yachiru agreed. "Oh, look, something shiny!"_

_"Good girl." Aizen said._

**The Present...**

"...On." Hitsugaya finished.**  
**

"Okay, while I could buy that conversation happening, I still have some problems with you claiming that you taught Yachiru how to bake specifically so she would later burn her barracks down." Matsumoto said frankly. "And _how _did you know that she would burn down her barracks exactly when you wanted her to? Predictable, she is not."

"Complete Hypnosis." Aizen said.

"... Look, I'm pretty sure that your power doesn't work like that..." Hitsugaya interjected.

"Oh, what, you believe me when I'm explaining how my powers work, but not now?" Aizen said.

"Well, by that logic, why _should _I believe you now? Why should I believe anything you've ever said about anything?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Exactly." Aizen said.

"... I hate you."

"But at this point, my ridiculous circuitous plan was only seventeen percent complete. Next I had to..."

**What, another flashback?...**

_Zaraki turned back to his subordinates. "Okay, now that we've taken care of all our personal issues, can we do something about this?" He said, waving vaguely at the smoldering ruin behind him. "Come on, I'm not a thinker! You guys are the brain trust here! I need you focused on the matter at hand! Suggestions?"_

_"Sleep on the ground! Yaaaay, camping!" Yachiru cheered, crumbs still clinging to her face._

_"Ha… just close your eyes, and let your instincts guide you!" Ikkaku said, smirking. He gave a thumbs-up sign, the sunlight glinting off his head._

_"I would… hmmm… probably commit seppuku out of the despair of losing my home. Beautifully." Ayasegawa suggested._

_Silence._

_"Okay, why is it you guys give me the same exact advice no matter what the problem is?"_

_"We do not!" Ikkaku protested._

_"Yes, you do! Yachiru suggests I do the most random, simplistic thing that pops into her head, you tell me to 'trust my instincts' or 'use my mind's eye', and Ayasegawa tells me to surrender!"_

_"Don't you think you're being a little simplistic, sir?" Ayasegawa asked._

_"Oh, really? Okay, than advise me on what we should have for lunch today."_

_"Go out running in a random direction and eat the first thing we happen to run across!" Yachiru cheered._

_"We just close our eyes and let our sixth senses guide us to the proper food!" Ikkaku said confidently. He gave a thumbs-up, the sunlight glinting off his head._

_"Hmmmm… I suggest we simply give up our hopes of ever being truly happy with our food. Beautifully." Ayasegawa suggested._

_"I seriously need to get a better brain trust," Zaraki groaned. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do…"_

_From in the crowd of 11th Division Shinigami, Aizen stood up and said, "I think we should go over to the 10th Division!" _

_"... Hey, yeah, that's not a bad idea!" Zaraki agreed. "Good thinking, random guy."_

**Back to the present...**

"... okay, I know people like to say I'm dumb, but I was totally there, and I'm like 90% sure that didn't happen." Zaraki said flatly. "I think I'd remember you."

"Amnesia dust." Aizen said.

"What the... _amnesia dust?_" Hitsugaya snapped. "Oh, you are so full of sh... ... ... God _dammit, _we actually do have amnesia dust, don't we?"

"For use on mortals who see Shinigami operations." Matsumoto confirmed. "It's... technically not impossible he could have reworked some of it to work on Shinigami..."

"But that doesn't explain how he even got into the Seireitei to..." Hitsugaya began.

"Complete Hypnosis." Aizen said.

"... _screw you._" Hitsugaya growled.

"Not until after I reveal the next cunning phase of my plan!" Aizen said.

"... this is not making anyone hate you less." Hitsugaya said.

"Oh, I'm not interested in your approval. Only in your comprehension of..."

"Wait!" Zaraki said. "This is making me dizzy. Could you just tell us the rest of your plan? I'm sick of jumping in and out of flashbacks."

"I don't see why not. Gin?"

"You... you're not..." Gin said in a haunted, disbelieving tone.

"Gin doesn't mind." Aizen said. "All right, here goes... once the 11th Division had arrived at the tenth's headquarters, I subtly infected Rangiku with a mild cold virus, knowing that she would give up her quarters and spend the night with Toshiro. This illness greatly exacerbated her snoring, causing young Toshiro to lose sleep. It was then that I released a swarm of Hollows into the material world, intending to draw him away from his headquarters to defend a group of students that I also released into the material world by altering the academy's field trip schedule."

"But... okay, first, there's no way you could have known that Captain Hitsugaya would go himself..." Matsumoto began.

"This was to force Toshiron into the human world, and leave 10th Division headquarters in the hands of only Rangiku. She would never be able to control the eleventh division, and you would be forced to seek outside help when you got back, even as your madness and exhaustion grew. Which would invariably lead you to Byakuya Kuchiki's anti-Yachiru command center. I knew he had it, of course... having personally tormented him with a solid-energy plasma protoform duplicate of Yachiru created from Reiatsu for years in order to inspire him to build one."

Ikkaku blinked. "I'm pretty sure that's a load of bull. I mean like, half of that sentence was not actual words."

"And with him by your side, it was obvious the two of you would go to recruit Orihime Inoue. This led to two objectives being met: first, you made contact with Ichigo Kurosaki. Second, you once again left Matsumoto alone. After that, all I had to do was deliver her copious amounts of alcohol, and soon the Seireitei would be in chaos and the fourth phase of my plans would be nearly one-third complete."

"Really? I don't remember seeing you when I started getting drunk." Matsumoto said.

"Amnesia Dust."

"But how did you know that once she got drunk, she would gather an army and launch a poorly conceived revolution?" Yumichika asked.

"Compl-"

"-ete Hypnosis, yeah, yeah." The entire assembled crowd muttered in annoyance.

"I _still _say it doesn't work that way." Hitsugaya muttered.

"Then, while the Seireitei was embroiled in war, I made my next moves. First, I slipped an aphrodisiac and a stimulant cocktail into Soi Fon's coffee, to increase her devotion to Yoruichi and amp up her general psychosis. Second, taking advantage of a second hypnotic cake-baking suggestion I'd planted in Yachiru..."

"I'm important!" Yachiru said cheerfully.

"... I burned down the 10th Division headquarters and drove Captain Hitsugaya completely insane, causing him to assault Hueco Mundo." Aizen said.

The assembled Shinigami turned to each other. "He's... he's just making all this up, right?" Matsumoto asked. "He couldn't possibly have predicted that would happen when Captain Hitsugaya saw the barracks burn down."

"Of course he's making it up." Hitsugaya muttered. "But if you point out that he couldn't have planned it he's just going to say 'complete hypnosis' or 'amnesia dust'. Just let him finish his rant."

"And I shall!" Aizen agreed. "First, I dosed the Espada with muscle relaxants in order to make them appear to be defeated when Captain Hitsugaya attacked..."

"He did?" Grimmjow whispered.

"No." Ulquiorra replied.

"...to make it appear that he had uncovered some great power, and make him appear a worthy rescue operation to Soul Society. This worked perfectly..."

"It did?" Ikkaku whispered.

"No." Matsumoto replied.

"... as a rescue force came to his aid. And yet even _this _was part of the master scheme, for this rescue force was soon in danger themselves. Yet no further forces would arrive while things looked hopeless, so I allowed Toshiro to escape, expedited by his alliance with Halibel, herself an unwitting pawn created by several months of exposure to subliminal messages designed to make her attracted to small, white-haired teens."

Halibel drew her sword and moved to commit suicide.

"_Again_?" Hitsugaya snapped, leaping to tackle her around the waist before she could plunge her sword into her stomach. "Seriously, stop trying to kill yourself!"

"I... even unintentionally, if I have betrayed you, milord..."

"I...! What's wrong with you, you lunatic? Don't kill yourself! He's just making this up as he goes along!"

Halibel's eyes shone. "Aaaaah... milord, you forgive even my base treachery... so long have I seen only your greatness, I had nearly forgotten the shining glow of your _goodness. _To be bathed once more in your limitless kindness is simply exhilarating._" _

Aizen pointed at her. "Yes, she's like that because of me. As for the rest of you Espada, I arranged for you to take therapy over your previous false defeat, causing you to regain your confidence so you would be willing to challenge Toshiro once again, which lead to..."

Hitsugaya smirked slightly. "What about the part in the middle there, where Yachiru drove you halfway insane and then you got run over by a worm and fell through every floor in your fortress and got chewed on by a Menos?"

"... Complete Hypnosis." Aizen said, with just the slightest twitch of fury in his eye.

"Suuuuuuuure." Hitsugaya said. "Just like all that other stuff happened on purpose because of you."

"It _did." _

_"Bull! _Come _on_, even if you actually did have some kind of plan... which I am becoming increasingly convinced you do _not_... why on _earth _would you accomplish it through such a bizarre, psychotic, roundabout method? There's no possible way you could have predicted _half _of the things you're claiming you predicted!"

"Ah, yes... it hurts, doesn't it Toshiro? To think that all of your lives, right from the moment each of you was born, you were all dancing to my tune. I have guided events to this point, manipulating the course of history to the ends that I have desired. In other words... from the very beginning_..." _Aizen said, the triumph rising in his voice, the winds blowing through his hair howling louder and louder yet somehow still not overpowering his relatively soft speech. "If you look at all the little _hints..._"

Gin's eyes opened wide in genuine fear as he turned to look at his master. He had seemed to be almost in a daze for much of the preceeding explanation, but now he seemed alert... and terrified. "Wait... no, you're not actually going to say it... we all know you're just making this up, you can't serious be trying to... oh come _on_..." He said.

"And really consider my _Complete Hypnosis..._"

"No no no no no... don't you dare say it..." Gin said.

"You'll see that I _planned all of this from the very beginning._" Aizen said in final, absolute victory.

"But... but... but..." Gin said. A thin line of blood ran down his face from one of his ears, apparently caused by his brain and ears fighting a small war over what he had just heard. "You couldn't have possibly... that makes no _sense._"

"I'm _Sosuke Aizen._ It doesn't _need_ to make sense."

Thunder crashed. The wind howled. The heavens themselves bowed to the whims of Aizen, the New God.

Yammy raised his lone hand. "Hey... uh, chief? You know, well... you explained all that stuff you did, but you never actually told 'em _why_ you did all of it."

"... ... ... oh, right." Aizen said.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37: We're Thinking of Changing the Name of the Series from 'Bleach' to 'Aizentastic'.  
**

"Eh?" Hitsugaya said. "I'm sorry, you're done making stuff up, now? You're really going to tell us what's going on? Okay, everyone, we can start paying attention again!"

"Do we have to?" Yachiru asked.

"Probably not, no." Hitsugaya said.

"Yippee!" Yachiru said, and began trying to do a cartwheel.

"All right, then, time to explain the fruits of my labor." Aizen said, agreeably waiting until everyone was paying attention again. He really did prefer an audience.

"There was no labor! This was a coincidence! If there is fruit involved, then it's fruit that fell of the tree and landed in front you! Why can't you just admit that? Why does _every damn thing _have to be a crazy scheme? What is _wrong _with you?" Gin snapped, his tone growing increasingly desperate.

"The only thing wrong with me, Gin, is your unwillingness to see all the tiny threads and details that tie together my master plan." Aizen said, his tone that of someone lecturing a particularly stupid cow.

"I... you... no. No. You know what, screw it. I quit." Gin said.

"Ah, very good. Now we can..."

"No, I don't quit _complaining._" Gin said bluntly. "I quit your _team_. Screw you, Sosuke, I'm re-defecting back to the Soul Society. I don't even care if you kill me anymore, I just want the freedom to be able to answer your crap with the stabbing it deserves." And with that, Gin walked over to the Shinigami side to stand next to Matsumoto.

Hitsugaya raised one eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Oh, yeah. Let's kill this jackass. Don't worry, I've got your back." Gin said passionately.

Hitsugaya considered this, and took several steps backward so that Gin was in front of him. "Thanks for reminding me of that." He said.

"... ah. I can see that trust building will be something of chore, then." Gin said. "Well, whatever, so long as I'm not on his side anymore..."

"Oh, Gin. You simple, simple fool..." Aizen said.

**Flashback:**

_Aizen smirked, holding up his sword. "Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu." he commanded. "Gin... when we invade the Soul Society, you will defect to the Shinigami. I will totally have planned this, because I can't trust you ever since you kicked me down a pit, so I want you out of my army."_

_"Yes, Lord Aizen..." Gin said. Then, in confusion, he said, "Wait, I don't think your complete hypnosis actually works like this. Also, if you really wanted me gone, why not just kill me?"_

_Aizen responded by throwing a handful of powder into Gin's face and shouting, "Amnesia Dust!"_

**End Flashback:**

Gin trembled in fury. "Again... _screw you_, Sosuke!"

Hitsugaya shook his head in bemusement. "Wow. Even your own flashbacks only half-believe that one, eh?"

"... I planned that, too. I wanted my flashbacks to be skeptical, because that makes you more likely to doubt my stories, which means that when the single thread of truth woven elegantly into the fabric of lies becomes apparant, you will be caught all the more off-guard." Aizen said.

"Suuuuuuuure." Hitsugaya said.

"No, I'm being sincere, really. Here, let me tell you about my new invention, the Flashback Alteration Engine..."

"No! No, that's all right, we... er... believe you. Right, guys?" Hitsugaya said quickly, before more pointless expostions could start.

"Not really." Matsumoto said.

"No." Ikkaku said.

"You're pretty." Halibel said, running a finger through Hitsugaya's hair, then blushing furiously and hiding her face even further behind her jacket.

"Honestly, I'm not even listening anymore." Yumichika said.

"Zzzzzzzz..." Zaraki said. "Gon' kill 'ou... zzzzzzzzz... blood 'n carnage... zzzzzzzzz..."

"Yay, pancakes!" Yachiru said.

"... see? We all believe you." Hitsugaya said. "So there's no need for any more talking. Just unveil your secret weapon or whatnot, we're all ready."

"Hmmmm... well, I did have three hour prepared speech about my Flashback Machine, but I suppose I can cut it from the schedule and skip right to the main event. In a way, I think that's even appropriate: I have finally torn free from the grip of destiny in order to claim unlimited power, and in reality, Toshiro, it's all thanks to a present you left me." Aizen said, a soft smirk of triumph on his face. He snapped his finger, and another Garganta opened in the skies above them. From it descended a strange device... it looked like a cross made of solid, translucent black crystal, yet it hummed like an engine despite having no visible moving parts. The air around it seemed to warp and distort, even more than from the Garganta. Just looking at it, sensing its twisted reiatsu, left a feeling of ominousness, _wrongness. _Like there was a sick, black shadow upon reality itself, melting away at the universe.

And strapped to this... this utterly wrong _thing_ was the broken, bleeding, and unconscious form of Ichigo Kurosaki.

"... all right, you've lost me." Hitsugaya admitted.

"Look at this boy. Look at this remarkable boy. Don't you think it's strange," Aizen said softly, "That this _remarkable _boy is still alive? He was left bleeding in the middle of a warzone with a huge hole through his lungs."

"Only one lung, sir. Left." Ulquiorra said dutifully. "Or at least, I only felt one lung when I punched the hole, sir."

"Thank you, Ulquiorra. So, this boy had a hole punched through his left lung, and he was ditched in a desert full of monsters..."

"I wouldn't say 'ditched'." Hitsugaya mumbled somewhat guiltily, him being the one most directly responsible for ditching Ichigo. "More like... forgotten. Temporarily misplaced. I'm sure I would have gone back for him eventually..."

"... so, given that he certainly should have died, how is that he lived?" Aizen continued. "I've thought about what you told me, Toshiro. About the universe being aware, and having rules. So I considered the Universe, and Ichigo Kurosaki's place in it, and I noticed something. He _always survives. _More than that, everyone who is on his side always survives. Only people who oppose him die. Why is that?"

"... I just assumed he was really lucky." Hitsugaya admitted.

"Oh, please, have you seen him?" Aizen said, motioning toward the bloody boy hanging prone from the strange device. "His luck is _awful_, but he always just powers through it and wins in the end anyway! I'd bet solid money that if I hadn't found him, he'd still have survived somehow despite being alone and unconscious among an army of Hollows. No, there's a much better reason:

"The universe _is _alive. And aware. And it follows certain rules. But what you didn't understand, Toshiro, is that these rules follow certain, set patterns to guide events along specific paths regardless of whether the people following them understand or accept this. In essence, Toshiro... the universe is trying to use us, all of us, to make certain events happen. It even gathers together people with certain personalities that compliment each other in specific ways to form groups, which then conflict with each other to push these events along more quickly than they otherwise would.

"I don't know why this happens, or for what purpose the universe seems to delight in forcing all of us to gather in multiple-temperament ensembles to fight each other in grandiose cinematic battles all the time_. _But what I _do _know is that the _center _of these events... is Ichigo Kurosaki. He's part of the most groupings, he survives things he should not, people around him tend to work with him even when they shouldn't. The universe works around him, using him as the impetus to push it's... let's say 'plot' forward. Yes, the 'plot' is centered around him, and will go to great lengths to keep him alive against all reason so that it can continue. You could almost say that in the great 'plot' of the universe, he is the 'main character'." Aizen said.

He smiled, and pressed his hand to the black crystalline cross, which pulsed with soft light at his touch. "Or rather, he _was. I _have taken this power and tapped it, absorbed his reality altering powers for myself. Now _I _am the main character, and so long as I follow the narrative flow of the plot properly, there is nothing that can be done to stop me. Go ahead... fight me, kill me. I'll just come back to life three hours later and I'll have learned a new super-move from training in the afterlife or something. Rip my heart out, and I'll grow a new one _and _get a new Super Form, probably with bigger hair. And that amazing ability to survive you all seem to have? Don't count on _that _anymore. The inexplicable power to live through any injury because you're needed to advance the universe's plans... you might call it a sort of barrier preventing death that would derail the proper events, a sort of 'plot armor'... well, that's right over _here _now," Aizen said, gesturing at the Espada. "I mean... you must have noticed, right? What I have here is a quirky ensemble of characters with wildly varying personalities, all centered around me. All of us setting aside our differences to work together?We're the perfect central cast to fulfill the universe's plans. Let's face it, now that we have reality on our side, we're basically invincible."

"Well... that sucks." Hitsugaya said eloquently.

"Only for you." Aizen said cheerfully. "Now, I believe it's time for the pointless action sequence to begin, right about..."

"It's Aizen!" Someone shouted. There was nobody in sight to have done so; it was just a shout. Because the action sequence needed to begin. The 'hero' was invading the 'villain's' home base. The plot demanded an action sequence, and the universe obliged.

And, unfortunately, the universe obliged with the traditional first wave of villainous defense. Dozens upon dozens of Shinigami rushed into the square, but not one of them was anything other than...

"Oh, crap, the cannon fodder has shown up." Matsumoto muttered. "Captain, they're all going to get themselves killed."

"Of course they are." Aizen said cheerfully. "Everyone knows that the hero fights the expendable mooks first, followed by a succession of colorful minibosses... that's the Captains, by the way, so look forward to your inevitable death, Toshiro... and finally, he and his friends band together to defeat the main villain. I'm assuming that to be the King, which will wrap things up pretty nicely. Oh, that's right, deal with the cannon fodder... Ulquiorra, Grimmjow. Just like I told you."

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow broke away from the other Espada, looking deeply uncomfortable. "Do we really have to, sir?" Ulquiorra asked.

"This is really stupid." Grimmjow agreed.

"_Trust _me." Aizen said calmly.

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow looked at each other and sighed in shared annoyance. "All right. You want to go first, or should I?" the latter asked.

"I will." Ulquiorra said. "A-hem. 'I'm the stoic, emotionless anti-hero. Over the course of the series the power of friendship will warm me, restoring my ability to make meaningful connections to people'."

"This is so, so stupid..." Grimmjow muttered. "Er, how'd this go... 'I'm the overconfident, violent loner hero. Eventually, I'll learn a valuable lesson about teamwork and make friends with the rest of the group...' Really? This is really what we're going to try? This really _is _the stupidest thing I've ever-"

Then they both exploded in light and power, vast waves of reiatsu pouring off them.

"Aaaaaah." Ulquiorra said, pretty much the closest to shock he ever got.

"Whoa! Okay, this is nice!" Grimmjow admitted.

"Yesssssss... good, good! Let the power of the plot flow through you!" Aizen said. "You are now invincible, my minions! Only a Captain has a chance of defeating you, and only during your first match when he first shows up, to prove how badass the new villain is. You'll survive and win the rematch. Now go, destroy... er, 'defeat the villains'."

What followed was, to put it bluntly, even more of a one-sided stompfest than usually occurs when 'normal' shinigami try to fight anything at all. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra tore through the crowd like twin tornadoes, their every blow hurling crushed and broken soldiers around like rag dolls. The two Arrancar had, in a matter of seconds, reduced the randomly appearing military to a heap of crumpled ragdolls moaning in agony.

"Crap." Hitsugaya said. "All right, we can't allow this. Everyone, I'm going after..."

He was cut off by a shimmer in the air as Kaname Tousen flash-stepped into the space directly in front of him, sword drawn, and spoke the following sentence: "'Impossibly skilled blind swordsman, who replaces his sight with superior instincts and zen-like calm'."

Then he slammed his sword into Hitsugaya's with such impossible force that the younger Captain was sent hurtling through the air like a cannonball, smashing into a nearby building so hard it collapsed onto him.

Tousen did not quite smile, though the smile was implied. "Yes, yes I believe I can get used to this."

Aizen watched the victories piling up with a cheerful smile, turning to the prone figure on the strange reality-altering machine. "See? You see what power you've wasted, Ichigo Kurosaki? Look what your strength can do in the hands of someone who understands character dynamics and basic story structure. And if you think _this _is bad, just wait until I remind Tousen that he's also technically the 'token disabled teammate', giving him the ability to win fights using his plucky ingenuity and can-do attitude!"

"This is... this is really bad, isn't it?" Ikkaku asked. "Are we going to all die?"

"I don't know!" Matsumoto asked. "They're burying us in cliches so fast it's hard to keep up, but I think technically Zaraki counts as a miniboss, so he might be able to get something done. If he'd _wake up!_" She shrieked.

"Zzzzzzzzz... fightin' waffles... zzzzzzzzz..."

"... Fighting waffles?" Matsumoto asked in confusion.

"Oh!" Gin said, raising his hand. "Well, if we're following a script here, we might as well take advantage, right? I'm the 'hero's former ally who betrayed him to join the evil side', and I'm pretty sure that guarantees me at least one win."

Aizen smiled. "Not if your initial defection wasn't an effort to acquire more power because you were jealous of me. If it was just because you legitimately turned 'evil', then I'll still beat you to showcase my moral superiority."

"... crap."

"Don't worry, I'll feel guilty about it, and wonder if our friendship was ever 'real' or just a deception." Aizen added.

"How reassuring!" Gin said. "It's nice to know you'll be so conflicted. Just in case you were curious, i_t wasn't real, I hate your guts, and I was planning to kill you in the end anyway."_

"Well, I will always consider you my friend. That's just the sort of mercy and compassion a hero has." Aizen said sarcastically. "Yammy, kill everything you see."

"Sure thing, boss!" Yammy said, reaching his one good hand for Szyael.

"_Everything that isn't on our side, Yammy_." Aizen said coldly.

"You were going to kill me?" Szayel shrieked.

"Er... no?" Yammy said, somewhat guiltily. "I was just reaching for your neck because... um... er..."

"... ... ..."

"... no." Yammy finished. He then tromped out of his spot among the assembled villai- er, heroes of justice, and said. "I'm... I'm... I'm... hey, Ulquiorra, I forget what I am."

Ulquiorra sighed in annoyance. "You're the giant guy who looks intimidating, but then makes friends with a kitten or something and shows he has a soft side."

"Eh? I don't have a kitten. I ate a kitten once, does that count?" Yammy asked in confusion.

"... Fine. Then you're the boisterous bruiser who enjoys combat for the sheer thrill of it." Ulquiorra said.

"Hey, that's me!" Nnoitra said. "Don't try to take my spot, jerk!"

"Also, I don't really enjoy combat. I mean, I like _killing, _but fighting sucks. I always get parts of my body chopped off." Yammy said, waving his stump-arm to illustrate this.

"Okay! Fine!" Grimmjow interjected. "You like complaining so much? From now on, you have to be the _stupid _one. How's that? You like _that?_ Tough, you don't get a choice. From this point on, your role is to be the stupid guy on the hero's team whose job it is to do something dumb and ruin everything for comic relief. You're _Gilligan._"

"Um... okay, that's easy to understand!" Yammy said cheerfully.

"You're... you're happy about being labeled the stupid one." Ulquiorra said.

"Eh, somebody has to do it, right?" Yammy said.

"... ... ... I hate you, Yammy." Ulquiorra said tonelessly.

"All right, everyone! I'm the..." Yammy began, turning back to his intended prey... only to discover that while he had been ignoring them, they had all run away.

Grimmjow snorted. "Ooooh, looks like Gilligan screwed up. Biiiiiig surprise." Other words of 'encouragement' quickly followed:

"Way to fail, Yammy."

"I thought your hand got cut off, but now I wonder if maybe you just forgot to bring it with you, doofus."

"You suck and everything bad is your fault!"

"... being the stupid one isn't very fun after all." Yammy said.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38: Sosuke Aizen, Hero of Justice  
**

Aizen and his heroic band of misfits strode bravely through the evil depths of Soul Society.

"There's the intruders! Hurry, stop them!" Shouted the latest of many, many patrols to be stomped horribly.

Aizen sighed. "Zommari?"

Zommari drew his sword and spoke three words, "Lovably eccentric goofball."

Three seconds later, after he'd completely crushed the attacking Shinigami, the group continued their implacable march.

"This is actually kind of boring. I wonder when the more powerful Shinigami... er, I mean, the more 'evil villains' will show up." Grimmjow wondered. "Gotta fight for justice, and all."

"It won't matter." Aizen said. "At the very most, they'll manage to wound a few of us badly enough to make the rest of us briefly worry. But only villains die permanently, so in the end we're destined to win simply by virtue of basically being immortal. It doesn't even matter when the Captains begin to arrive, they're doomed."

He wasn't aware, of course, that of the Captains, nearly all of them were in the process of recovering from some sort of intense mental or physical trauma, with the major exceptions being Unohana (who was nursing Soi Fon) and Byakuya (who refused to come out of his house. He, Rukia, and Orihime had moved on from tea to dinner). But, well... if he _had _known this, it probably would have just made him more smug, so it was probably for the best. He was basically invincible, _and _he had nobody to actually be invincible _against. _In general, things were, well... really, really bad.

"There's the intruders! Hurry, stop them!" Shouted the latest flock of cannon fodder.

"I still haven't dealt with my emotional issues, because my character development is deep and genuine. It takes time." Ulquiorra said, demolishing the entire group with a single brutal movement.

Aizen smiled. "This is actually rather fun. Almost worth all of the pain and indignity that I had to go through for it. Er... Not that I didn't plan all of that myself, of course. To throw everyone off their guard."

"Of course you did." His entire retinue said dutifully, in perfect unison.

"I did. It was a very good plan!"

"Of course it was."

"It _was. _Would you like me to explain the intricacies of the plan? Because I can understand how your brains might not be able to comprehend it. It started roughly three-hundred years ago, when I noticed Ichigo Kurosaki's father buying lunch, and..."

* * *

"This is lame. This is totally lame." Rangiku said, carrying Momo and Hitsugaya each under one arm and running down the back alleys of the Seireitei with her small useless army behind her.

"I'm the one who has to carry Zaraki." Gin muttered. "You think your job is lame? Lift this frickin' gorilla!"

"That's what you get for being evil." Matsumoto said.

"I changed sides back, though!"

"Not for a good _reason_. You're still being a jerk, just one who's more annoyed at Aizen than he is at us." Matsumoto snarled.

"Are you complaining?"

"Yes! Because you're useless and we're all going to die!" Matsumoto snapped.

"I'm not useless! I'm carrying Zaraki! All of _these _people are useless!" Gin said, waving his hand at the small crowd who were, indeed, not doing much of anything.

"I'm thinking of how I plan to kill this filthy cow for grasping Lord Captain Hitsugaya with her filthy hands. Filthy." Halibel said, staring at Matsumoto with open hatred.

"Captain Zaraki seems like he'd be really heavy." Ikkaku said.

"I wonder if I can touch my tongue to my nose?" Yachiru asked.

"I don't really like touching other people if I can avoid it." Ayasegawa said.

"... ... ... Okay, yes, you're more useful than all of them." Matsumoto admitted, taking several steps away from Halibel as she did so.

"Thank you." Gin said. "Now, we seem to have lost Aizen..."

"We didn't 'lose' him, he was never bothering to follow us. And, well... why would he?" Matsumoto asked. "He totally has us beaten. Not only is he completely crushing us in a storm of predictable action-series cliches, this is the worst possible time for him to do it. Captain Soi Fon is asleep after her crazy episode, and Unohana is taking care of her. Ukitake is suicidally depressed, Kyoraku is in the hospital, Mayuri is hiding in the ruins of his lab, Kuchiki won't come out of his house, my captain is out cold, Zaraki is taking a nap..."

"Zzzzzzz... zzzzz..." Zaraki snored.

"I hate you, you eyepatched neanderthal. Have I told you I hate you?" Matsumoto asked the sleeping Captain. "Anyway, all that's left is Yamamoto. Now, he's good, but he can't overcome Aizen, Tousen, all of those Espada_, and_ a couple hundred overused story conventions all at once!"

Ikakku blinked and started counting something off on his fingers. "Are you sure that's all the Captains?"

"... did I miss one?"

"I'm not sure. It seems like you might have. Maybe." Ikkaku said.

"Why am I thinking of a dog?" Gin asked.

"... it's probably nothing." All three of them agreed.

"Anyway, at this point it's only a matter of time before Aizen finishes off what little resistance we can actually hit him with and just basically conquers the universe. And honestly... I'm not sure how to stop him." Matsumoto said somberly.

"Have we tried cheese?" Ikkaku asked.

"What?"

"Well, it's just that in situations like this you usually do something with cheese, so..."

"What? Cheese? Who would try to use cheese to solve a problem? That doesn't even make any sense. Ugh, you're just stupid." Matsumoto said. "Cheese. Honestly."

"... I hate you, Rangiku."

* * *

"Ah... the Central 46 Chamber." Aizen said cheerfully. "I haven't been here since I killed everyone inside it."

"For justice?" Tousen asked.

"Of course. Because... they were... um... planning to... ... ... nuke Switzerland." Aizen said. Nothing happened, so it seemed the Universe was accepting this somewhat contrived plot twist. "Yup, had to stop them."

"Very good. Remember to keep in character sir." Tousen said. "Er... I mean, remember to pursue the true ideals of a hero."

"Of course. Because in the end, what truly matters is... fighting for... peace and freedom." Aizen said, struggling not to laugh.

"That's true." Tousen said.

"... oh, yeah, you actually believe that, don't you?" Aizen said. "You must be eating this stuff up."

"It's like candy to me." Tousen admitted.

"Well... I guess I'm glad you're having fun." Aizen said. "Now, everyone, listen. None of the Captains have shown up, so we might be further along in the storyline than I thought. Keep the Ichigo Machine close, because if I'm right, we're already past the Miniboss Squad and onto the main villain's second-in-command. And that means..." He said, trailing off as he broke down the doors to the Central 46 building. "Bingo."

Captain Commander Yamamoto, abandoned by his total lunatic Captains but not looking terribly worried by this fact, watched this invasion calmly. "Once I learned you'd entered the Seireitei, I assumed you'd be coming here to find me, traitor. Seeking the King's Key, I assume? You won't be finding it. I'll not give the location away, even if I must die to protect it... or preferably..." The old man said, throwing off his robe and drawing his sword. "... Make _you _die to protect it."

"Everyone, stand back." Aizen said, staring at Yamamoto. "This is something I have to do myself."

"I... what? No it isn't." Yamamoto said in confusion. "Given the nature of my powers, I'm rather certain I can kill all of you in one go, actually."

Aizen smirked and drew his sword. "Your evil will not go unanswered, villain!"

"My what?" Yamamoto asked.

Aizen leapt forward, his blade tearing the air as though its speed and sharpness were sufficient to rend space and time itself. Despite this nigh-impossible ability, Yamamoto's own blade effortlessly intercepted it; the sheer pressure of the clash, not merely one of blades but one of souls, exploded across the chambers scattering loose chairs and pushing even the gathered Espada back from the unimaginable force. The two clashed again, and again, the blows from their swords shattering the floor beneath their feet and releasing shockwaves that threatened to tear the assembly hall to pieces. And yet, even this was only the most meager expression of the _power _gathered in these two men. Even this was only the beginning.

It was Yamamoto who raised the stakes, finally. "Hmmmph. Naive young pup. You've gathered a little bit of skill over the years, but do you really think it's anywhere close to enough? Reduce creation to smoldering ashes, Ryujin Jakka."

It was like the sun had fallen from the sky. Flames roared throughout the hall, tearing the roof off, scattering the assembled Espada, and engulfing Aizen completely. Hypnosis was irrelevant to such an assault; if he were anywhere near Yamamoto, then he was caught in the assault. The villain... hero? Is he the hero, now? I'm really not sure how this works, honestly... was hurled to the red-hot stone floor, charred, burned, and broken.

"I told you. Impudent child." Yamamoto said.

"Oh... you... stupid... old... man." Aizen said, chuckling despite the obvious agony. "You... have no idea... what you've done. Do you?"

"Defeat you?"

"Ha... ha... ha..." Aizen laughed. He rose shakily to his feet. "I... refuse to be beaten... by you!"

"_Whoaaa, oooh!" _Someone wailed.

"... what was that? Is that music?" Yamamoto asked.

"You... if I fall to you here... how many innocent people will suffer? How many of my friends will you destroy?"

"You don't _have _any friends. Nobody likes you." Yamamoto said. All of the Espada tried not to look directly at Aizen.

"But more than that... do you think I'll _allow _myself to lose?" Aizen demanded.

"_Iiiif you wanna see some action, gotta be the center of att-rac-tion!_" the Cheesy 80's Music said.

"Okay, I really hear singing now." Yamamoto said.

"You sit here in your evil fortress..."

"Isn't that you?"

"... ruling over your army of monsters and killers..."

"Still you."

"...oppressing the weak and preying on the innocent! I won't allow your evil to exist!" Aizen proclaimed bravely.

"You just described yourself. Several times."

"_Make sure that they got their eyes on you, like the face that you see on every magazine!"_

"How long is that person going to keep singing?" Yamamoto asked in confusion.

"Maybe you are stronger than me!" Aizen proclaimed.

"I am."

"Maybe you've got more experience!"

"See? You're finally making sense, now."

"But I'm fighting for my friends! To protect the people I love!"

"You... you don't have any of either..." Yamamoto said.

"And so!" Aizen said, his blade exploding into brilliant white light, "I won't allow myself to lose to you!"

"_Be the focus of attention! Be the name that everyone must men-tion!"_

Aizen charged, his shimmering weapon cutting through Yamamoto's evil hellfire with the power of justice, love, and peace. He drew in on the older Captain, and his gleaming brilliant weapon of heroism, the sword of a noble knight, slammed into the burning evil demonic sword of his enemy with nearly double the force of his previous blows.

"What the...?" Yamamoto gasped as he was hurled back by this sudden burst of invincible force, the (fake) willpower of a (fake) great hero lending Aizen's blows terrible strength.

_"Come out of the shadows, it's your time, 'cause tonight is the night for everyone to see!"_

"For my friends!" Aizen said, pursuing and landing another brutal hammer-blow upon the great villain.

"You don't have any!" Yamamoto protested, falling back, his flames flickering uselessly around him.

"_It's naaaaaaaaaaaaatural! You know that this is where you gotta be, this must be your destiny!"_

"For my loved ones!" Aizen screamed, pushing the aging Captain even further back.

"Again: _you don't have any!" _Yamamoto said, his sword nearly knocked out of his hands by the sheer force of the shining blade of holy light.

"_Sensaaaaaaaaational! And you believe that this is what you've waited for, and it's you that they all adore, and..."_

"For every innocent life ended at your orders!" Aizen said, his next attack sending the old man tumbling backwards for several straight seconds before he managed to right himself.

"I... okay, it's hard to argue with that one, but..." Yamamoto admitted.

"Take this!" Aizen said, drawing his blade back. The holy light of judgment intensified, small rainbows flickering off of it. "My ultimate attack, drawn from the bond between myself and my friends!"

"... _NOW you feel like Number One! Shining bright for everyone!" _The cheesy 80's music said, apparently quite aware of the events going on around it.

"Oh, now you're just making things up..." Yamamoto grumbled, trying to prepare a defense against something he could barely even begin to understand. And frankly, given how Aizen was talking, he wasn't quite sure he _wanted _to understand. It sounded really stupid.

"The hammer of justice!" Aizen roared, immense power gathering around the Hero's Sword. "A shining blade of light to cut through your darkness..."

"_Living out your fantasy! The brightest star for all to see!" _

"... and carve out the path to a bright new dawn for everyone!" Aizen roared over the hurricane winds. "SUPER!"

_**"Now you feel like Number One! Shining Bright for everyone!"**_

"AIZEN!"

"_**Living out your fantasyyyyy! Brightest start there's ever beeeeeeeeen!" **_

"BUSTER!"

"Oh, that attack name is just stupid..." Yamamoto complained before the enormous wave of brilliant white light engulfed him.

The light was immeasurably brilliant. The gathered Espada (discounting Tousen, for obvious reasons) averted their eyes, unable to look upon the all-consuming brilliance as the already crumbling Central 46 Chamber was essentially obliterated in the storm of brilliant white energy.

When the light cleared, Aizen's heroic band of misfits gazed in unconcealed awe upon their fearless leader. The conquering hero standing strong and victorious over the horrible Villain Yamamoto.

"All right," He said, in a not-terribly-heroic tone. "I believe that with the villainous sub-boss defeated, we now have to wait for the King of Soul Society to come face us so that we might end his evil reign. Everyone stay limbered up, we're probably going to need to use the Power of Friendship so you'll all have something to do. Think about your hopes and dreams so that you have something to shout defiantly into the face of true evil, and... hmmmmm... yeah, you might want to practice moving around under duress, because the odds are good that you'll have to take some wounds in order to show off your willpower." He said, gesturing to his own burns.

"... ... ... Holy crap." Grimmjow said.

"Nice to be on the winning team for once, eh?" Aizen said, smirking. "For justice, of course."

* * *

"Right then, I'm guessing that heaven-splitting pillar of light was a bad sign." Gin said.

"Nooooo, what was your first clue?" Matsumoto snapped. "At this point, we can be pretty sure that _anything_ that happens is a bad sign!"

"I... just thought I'd mention it. You know?" Gin said uncertainly.

"... yeah. Sorry." Matsumoto said. "I'm just a little bit unhappy because it sort of looks like Aizen is about to conquer the whole of creation, you know? I mean, as things look now, we might as well start learning to..." She said, trailing off.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just sort of realized I was about to say something like 'we should all start learning to speak Hollow', but Hollows speak the same language we do, so that doesn't really apply." Matsumoto admitted. "Maybe I should have said 'we should all start learning to enjoy being eaten by monsters', but that doesn't really sound plausible. I mean... who enjoys being eaten? So I'm going to have to think of something clever to say. It might take awhile."

"Is that really the best use of our time?" Ikakku asked.

"I"m sorry? Did Mr. 'couldn't be bothered to help carry anyone' just lecture me on wasting time?" Matsumoto asked coldly.

"... ... sorry."

"That's better. Now, from this point on, what should we be doing? I mean... aside from Gin, we basically qualify as cannon fodder at best. Yumichika might be able to pass as a recurring joke villain, but other than that we're screwed." Matsumoto said.

_"Wh-"_ Ayasegawa began, cutting off his protest with an resigned sigh. "You know, at this point, I should really just accept that nobody anywhere respects me, shouldn't I?"

"It would probably be wise." Matsumoto agreed. "So... um... not sure what to do, I'll admit. Arrancar Skank? You know Aizen pretty well. Any thoughts?"

"We're all doomed, basically." Halibel said. "Please stop touching Lord Captain Hitsugaya or I will rip your arms off."

"... ... ... We really should have left you in the evil black doom desert." Matsumoto said. "So, anyone else have any ideas? Zaraki?"

"Zzzzzz... zzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzz..." Zaraki said.

"I hate you." Matsumoto said, burying her face in her hands. "Arrrrrgh... this is a horrid wreck of a sitatuation! Maybe we really _should _get used to dying... again. Because I see us having no other options. I mean, how do you deal with... well, the main hero?"

"Ugh... Rangiku, do I have to do everything...?" a voice groaned.

"Captain! Oh, you're awake!" Matsumoto said. "Okay, our situation is like this... we're all going to die, so I hope you enjoy being eaten by monsters because we're going to be eaten by monsters. Anything I forgot to mention, folks?"

"Rangiku. Really." Hitsugaya said. "We're not going to _die. _There's a way out of this pretty obvious, when you think about it. If Aizen is going to attack us with story-structure, we just have to do the same to him, right?"

"We thought of that, but I'm the only one with a chance, and I'm screwed because I defected for the wrong reasons." Gin said.

"Not _you. _Everyone knows the Hero always beats the traitor." Hitsugaya said. "But there is _one _situation where the Hero loses consistently. And that's all we need: to beat him one time. Even if he survives, if he goes down, we can unplug Ichigo from that thing and get the Universe back into order."

"So... what situation are you suggesting?" Gin asked.

Hitsugaya smiled. "It's time to visit a friend. Ladies and gentlemen, we need an exciting new villain..."


	39. Chapter 39

**Author's Note: A little shorter than usual, but... I haven't posted in awhile, and the chapter break point was too good to pass up. I'm living with it.**

**Chapter 39: At this Point it's Basically Just 'TV Tropes: The Story', isn't it?**

Just a few minutes of consciousness, and Hitsugaya had taken charge, greatly streamlining the efficiency of the small group.

For instance, his first command had been 'Let's leave Zaraki and Yachiru behind'.

Far, _far _more efficient.

Still, the situation was rather bleak, overall. Hitsugaya seemed to be oddly energized despite this, however, and eventually curiosity got the better of fear. Matsumoto simply had to find out _why_ he seemed so fired up.

"Sir, I don't think I understand." Matsumoto said as Hitsugaya lead them through the streets of the Seireitei with a manic grin on his face.

"It's not that complicated, Rangiku," He said. "We're fighting cliche with cliche. Aizen is the hero, right? Well there's one thing that always, always beats the hero."

"Eh?"

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Think about it, Rangiku. If Ichigo was the hero before..."

**FLASHBACK:**

_**Scene: The streets of Karakura**_

_"You even fall slowly..." Byakuya said, effortlessly defeating Ichigo after making his grand entrance to the storyline as an obvious and cool new villain that needed to be beaten._

_**Scene: Sokokyu Hill**_

_"It's not a matter of willpower. It's simple structure... if you try to stand, you will break in half." Aizen said, effortlessly defeating Ichigo after making his grand entrance to the storyline as an obvious and cool new villain that needed to be beaten._

_**Scene: Karakura Town once again**_

_"Grimmjow Jeagerjacques! Remember that name, Shinigami!" Grimmjow said, effortlessly defeating Ichi-_

"We get it, we get it!" Matsumoto said, breaking into the flashback before the running gag could get completely out of hand. "So you're saying the best way to make a hero lose a fight is to introduce a new villain who will mop the floor with them to show off how super-strong they are."

"Exactly. Now, this isn't a permanent solution under normal circumstances... the hero will train, learn some important life lessons, come back stronger and defeat the villain in a climactic final showdown." Hitsugaya said. "But like I said, we don't actually need to worry about that, because beating Aizen here means he's not the hero anymore. We'll get Ichigo off that machine and everything will be fine again."

"But... where are we going to find a decent villain?" Matsumoto asked. "For starters, the only villains we have are Gin and Arrancar Whore, and they both suck."

"_Hey!" _Gin said. "I haven't been a villain in almost... well, okay, an hour, but still!"

"It's all right. Your opinion doesn't really matter, considering your inevitable fate is to die screaming beneath my heels." Halibel said.

"See?" Matsumoto asked. "Neither of them is really 'final boss' material. Though I'll admit one of them is probably scary enough."

"Well, thank y-" Gin began

"It is really almost adorable that you think I mean you."

"... oh."

"Pffft! Rangiku, really, like we would use them anyway." Hitsugaya said. "We need a _new _villain. Someone all the fans haven't seen before."

"... ... the fans?"

"That's not important. What _is _important is that the cool new villain cannot be an established threat. He has to be _new_, as the title 'cool new villain' would suggest."

"Why... why would his newness matter? What if an old villain just got a power-up, or..."

"Don't question story-logic, Rangiku. Thinking too hard on these things never solved anything." Hitsugaya chided. "Just accept that the newness is an intrinsic part of the coolness, and only together can they overcome heroism. An old villain powering up is far more likely to just lead to a climactic battle right off the bat, and what we need right now is a curb-stomping that's over quickly."

"... sir, have you gone insane again?"

"A little bit, probably." Hitsugaya said. "I've taken some shots to the head, that might have done it."

"Well, despite knowing that your insanity usually works out shockingly well for us, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask that you please explain exactly from _where _you plan to get our new villain? We don't just have them lying around." Matsumoto said.

"Of course not. That's why we shall have to take the extra step of _making _a villain." Hitsugaya agreed. "He's not going to be around long, so he doesn't need to be really interesting or make sense in the story."

"You say that like our current villains are interesting."

"... Point." Hitsugaya admitted. "In any event, the new villain's newness does have other useful aspects beyond contributing to his cool aura of mystery. He needs to be someone that nobody has seen before, or at least that nobody really _knows_, so that he can properly demonstrate his powers by easily defeating characters we _are _familiar with. So all we really, truly need... is a character that nobody knows or cares about."

Matsumoto considered this. "Yumichika?"

"_Oh, screw you!_" Ayasegawa said.

"No, I'm afraid he's too well-known." Hitsugaya said. "Everyone remembers the effeminate ambiguously gay jerk. He's too firmly seated in the public consciousness to be 'new', he'd be a recurring joke villain at best."

"_I hate all of you!"_

"We need a person who is extremely boring and has next-to-no time in the spotlight. The best choice would probably be Tousen, unfortunately, but we do have other options." Hitsugaya said. "Should be just ahead... aaaaah. Perfect."

Matsumoto looked upon the mid-sized, nice-but-not-spectacular home they had stopped at, and said, "Ummmm... huh. I don't think I've ever seen this place before. I don't really know anyone who lives in this area."

Hitsugaya smiled wickedly. "_Exactly_."

"... Fair enough. But it does still leave one thing I want to know." Matsumoto began. "If-"

"If the old villain hasn't been defeated yet won't it break the story's flow to introduce a new one?" Halibel asked.

Matsumoto whirled on her so fast her head might have flown off. "Oooooh, you did _not_ just steal my idea!"

"Of course I didn't."

"You _did! _I was totally going to say that!"

"You cannot prove this." Halibel said. Then, far more quietly, she said, "Especially not if I rip your tongue out."

"Okay. Wow. That does it." Matsumoto said with disturbing calm. "I think we're done here. I'm going to chop you into tiny, tiny pieces. I don't care that you're honestly more powerful than me. I'm just going to do this thing."

"You're going to do _something_." Halibel agreed, drawing her own sword. "And someone is indeed ending up in pieces."

"Oh, _bring it o-_"

"Ladies, ladies! There's no need to fight." Hitsugaya said cheerfully. "You're _both _idiots. Now, if you would quit your totally pointless catfighting? Believe it or not, I actually do have a plan."

Matsumoto considered this. "... Is cheese involved?"

Hitsugaya smiled. "In a sense."

* * *

"So, how long until the King gets here?" Grimmjow asked.

"I don't know, Grimmjow." Aizen said for perhaps the thirtieth time. It wasn't always Grimmjow who asked; sometimes Nnoitora or Zommari chose to be stupid, as was their wont. But seriously, this was getting old. You'd think that after such a thorough demonstration they would have some appreciation for the power of the plot? It happened when it happened, there was no _schedule_.

And this was a problem, unfortunately. Because Aizen had one major blind spot in his knowledge of genre conventions, and it was about to come back and bite him in a big way precisely _because _such things all-too-often lacked a set, defined schedule.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you waiting for somebody?" Asked a confident voice, interrupting the 'heroes'... okay, actually not interrupting them at all because they weren't really doing much of anything. Interrupting their standing around.

Aizen looked at the intruder, not even bothering to suppress his contemptuous chuckle. "Oh, my. Toshiro is here. Really. Seriously? I... wow. That is simply... wow. I am honestly, deeply shocked to see you here. Surprised beyond reason. I will confess that on some level, despite all evidence to the contrary, I really thought you were smarter than that."

"Not sure what you mean." Hitsugaya said, examining his nails with an air of intense disinterest.

"We've already beaten the sub-boss." Aizen said. "Yamamoto has fallen to my migh-"

"To our powers of justice and courage." Tousen said quickly.

"-yes, to those things." Aizen finished. "Now, you think that after we beat the second-to-last boss, one of the outdated minibosses can come defeat us without any change to himself to ignite a new subplot? Honestly, Toshiro, you don't even have a new costume."

"Hmmmmm? Oh, I'm not here to do anything." Hitsugaya said. "Just to let you know the King won't be coming."

"... huh?"

"He won't be here. The... um... Soul Wavelengths are wrong. His palace won't open. So it's gonna be like... a month before he can get here." Hitsugaya said. When the universe seemed to have no objections to this rather contrived plot twist, he continued, "But don't worry! There's other evil you can face in the meantime!"

"...what?" Aizen said. "But I don't _want _to face any other ev-"

"Yes, a horrible menace is approaching from the shadows of obscurity! Hiding in the darkness, he has disguised his true power for the foul purpose of..." Hitsugaya stopped to consider this. "Um... I should have thought this through better, I'll admit. I guess he's been... er... scattering the... spirit particles, and... ... ... making... soul... things."

The world fell painfully silent for a moment.

"Oh, come _on. _You can't tell me the Universe is accepting that as a valid plot point." Aizen complained when nothing continued to happen.

"The Universe doesn't have great taste in story-telling, does it?" Grimmjow asked.

"Right, so anyway, he's got truly horrible evil powers and he's doing evil and he's come right out of _nowhere_." Hitsugaya said, somewhat impatiently. "Nobody saw this coming, what a shocking development!"

"More like a stupid one..." Ulquiorra said.

"In any event! A great new evil has emerged!" Hitsugaya said. "And he's absolutely meant to be a serious threat, even though his appearance wasn't even slightly foreshadowed up until this moment!"

"... ... did the world just get less good looking?" Aizen asked. And indeed, looking around, things _did _seem a little less 'real' somehow. As though... as though the entire world were _drawn_, and the artists had just stopped putting any real effort into it. The buildings grew less detailed; the people seemed to move less fluidly. Everyone and everything was just a little bit _off_, in some barely definable but absolutely noticeable way. "Look, Toshiro, this is idiotic. This is... the Universe will _not _accept such a ridiculous plot twist! You can't just derail the entire conflict out of nowhere!"

Hitsugaya smiled wickedly. "Really? Because I'm _pretty _sure I just did."

And this was Aizen's great weakness, the greatest and most dangerous gap in his knowledge: He was a Major Antagonist. Well, okay, right this moment he was the Hero, but _usually _he was the major villain. When he got involved in situations, they were important ones. He didn't come out of his fortress for little stuff, he had more important things to do.

He had, in short, never seen a Filler Arc.

The figure who stepped onto the scene now was horrifying, in a rather generic way. He was massive, larger even than Kenpachi Zaraki. His black armor seemed to soak up ambient light and make the world a darker place, albeit in a kind of tedious fashion. His sword was a pretty standard giant katana screaming with the souls of his victims. Overall, he was a massive, horrible presence, but nothing about him really screamed 'super amazing'. He was _just _cool enough to show up for a brief period of time and win a couple battles before dying with his goals unfulfilled. He was...

"That's just Komamura dressed up in armor." Aizen said bluntly.

"Nuh-uh." Matsumoto said, walking up behind him. "This is the Dark Lord Wolfington, Master of Chaos."

"... really." Aizen said.

"Apparently so." Said Komamu- er, Dark Lord Wolfington, Master of Chaos. "And I'm here to... do... what was my evil plan again?"

"Making soul things."

"Wait, what does that even mean?" Asked Dark Lord Wolfington.

"It matters not, dog. _Serve My Lord!_" Halibel said.

"Ouch! Okay, first of all, I'm supposed to be the main villain. Second, poking me with your sword is simply rude." Dark Lord Wolfington protested mildly.

"_Serve!_"

"Ouch! All right, all right!" Dark Lord Wolfington said. "Umm... great hero Aizen! I have arisen from my doom fortress to... erm... smite... you."

"... ... ... Sajin, please be serious." Aizen said in an almost pitying tone. "This is _the _most pathetic thing you have ever done, and believe-you-me, I have seen some _truly _pathetic displays from you in the past. You can't honestly believe you have any hope against me, just because you put on some new clothes? I still know it's you, a mask makes no difference. Hell, you wore a mask for most of the time I knew you, and it really did not help! So why do you think..."

Dark Lord Wolfington stepped forward and, in a single smooth motion, slashed Aizen's chest open.

"Wh... what...?" Aizen said, staring in intense confusion as the blood droplets in the air. He had seen the stroke coming, but somehow had been... simply helpless to dodge or draw his own weapon to parry. Even now, as he leapt backwards, a hand to his bleeding chest, he felt like his muscles were sluggish and unresponsive; his overall ability simply and inexplicably light-years below what it should have been.

So in other words... a pretty rough opening sequence, but about what you'd expect from a filler villain.

"Okay," Dark Lord Wolfington said, "I could actually get to like this."


	40. Chapter 40

**Author's Note: … … … yes, I know how long it took me to get another chapter out. I'm lazy and I now work a job that has me sitting at a desk typing all day. Sorry?**

**Chapter Forty: Heroism is a Silly Thing**

Aizen stared at the blood dripping from Komam- Dark Lord Wolfington's blade.

"This is… this is…" Aizen said. "How… how? You… you're slower than me! You're weaker than me! There is absolutely _no way _that you should possibly be able to cut me!"  
"Then you're not really bleeding?" Yammy asked in confusion.

"Of course I'm really bleeding, you thundering moron! He slashed my chest open!" Aizen snarled.

"But… you said there was no way he could. But he did it. So there must have been a way." Yammy said. "Unless… this is all a dream?"

"Stare at the floor and think about cupcakes, Yammy." Ulquiorra said.

"Mmmmmm… cupcakes…" Yammy said, staring at the ceiling.

"…Close enough." Ulquiorra said. "Lord Aizen, I admit to some confusion myself, considering I have in fact seen you dodge things roughly a million times faster than that. Or maybe you didn't. It's hard to be sure, what with that illusion thing, and…"

"I _know that_, Ulquiorra!" Aizen said. "I just… it… I couldn't _move! _All I could do was sit there while he cut me, then dodge five seconds too late to avoid it! It's like… like my movements were just randomly jerkier and slower than they were supposed to be!"

Grimmjow shook his foot. "Actually, I do feel a little less 'smooth' than usual, if that makes sense. Like the whole world is just a little bit… _wrong_. And the colors look weird too. Not sure what to make of that."

"I'm more worried about the blood all over the floor, Grimmjow!" Aizen snapped.

"I'm just sayin': That blood probably should be a brighter shade of red."

"_It should be inside my body!_" Aizen snarled. "Quit worrying about why it's vermillion instead of crimson!"

"Actually, it's more…" Nnoitra begain.

"_If you start talking about what color the blood is, I will murder you." _

Nnoitra did not finish.

"Now that we're done? Let's start worrying about how I just lost an exchange with freakin' _Komamura_!"

"Dark Lord Wolfington." Matsumoto said.

"_It's Komamura in a mask!_" Aizen said.

Hitsugaya smirked. "Well, that might _possibly _be his dark secret, but I don't think we've progressed far enough in the storyline for it to be revealed just yet."

"There is no storyline!"

"Tell that to Dark Lord Wolfington and his horrible plan to…" Hitsugaya began. "Um… uh. To… what was his evil plan again?"

"Something… um… involving spirit… things?" Matsumoto said. "Um… Creepy Arrancar? Do you remember?"

"… were dogs involved?" Halibel asked.  
"No, he _is _a dog."

"Well then, dogs _are _involved, harlot. Do not talk down to me."

"… … … … I hate you, you know that." Matsumoto said flatly. She needed no other words, really. "Anyone else recall what the plot is? I mean, really, we ought to know what Dark Lord Wolfington is doing."

"I don't think it matters, honestly." Ikkaku said. "As long as he wins, right?"

"Well, yeah, technically, but it's kinda silly to have him win when we don't even know what he's doing." Matsumoto said.

"We… we're not doing this to make _sense_, though." Ikkaku.

"If we only did things that made sense, we'd never get anything done." Hitsugaya muttered.

"I know, it just seems like sloppy writing for a motiveless villain to come out of nowhere and just be villainous for the sake of evil." Matsumoto said.

"… so?"

"It just seems _wrong _to me."

"I'm going to be honest, Rangiku: as long as he defeats Aizen, I can't really care. So for now, he's just doing 'Spirit Things'." Hitsugaya said. "We don't need to know what he's planning to do."

"Well, I don't know. Matsumoto was thinking it made more sense for me to have an evil plan. And I have to defeat Aizen anyway, right?" Komamura asked. "So maybe I should think of something. A plan involving reishi or something? Something that will destroy the world, maybe."

"We… we don't want you to actually _be evil_, sir." Matsumoto said. "So maybe your plan should be a little more family-friendly."

"A family friendly villain is kinda lame, though." Ikkaku said. "The best villains are psychotic monsters! Killing machines!"

"Ikkaku? Don't help." Hitsugaya said. "Komamura? Don't worry about it. Really, your true goals shouldn't be revealed until further into the storyline, so for now it's okay if we keep things deliberately vague."

"He could still be evil, though. Do evil things." Matsumoto suggested. "I'm just saying: it's thematically appropriate."

"I'm not really _evil._" Komamura said, his tone sounding slightly offended. He then raised his blade and intercepted a sudden stroke from Aizen without looking. "I'm more acting like I'm evil. So maybe I'm a well-intentioned villain, doing evil acts for a grander purpose?"

Aizen gritted his teeth, attempting futilely to push back his opponent. "Well… this didn't go as planned."

"You thought that, what, the discussion getting a little off-topic changed something here?" Dark Lord Wolfington said.

"In my defense, the rest of the universe stopped making sense awhile ago, so I thought maybe it would." Aizen admitted. "It was worth a shot."

Dark Lord Wolfington's smile was not visible beneath his mask, but it _oozed _from every word he spoke as he said, "Your bad luck it didn't work out, I suppose."

Then be gestured slightly and blasted Aizen through the wall.

* * *

Hitsugaya looked at the wall. Or rather, where the wall had used to be. "Oh, Matsumoto? Before I forget, there was something I needed to tell you."

"Yes, sir?"

"The plan is working."

"I noticed."

"Start getting ready now for it to somehow go wrong in the near future."

"Because the universe hates us?"

"It hates us _so much_."

* * *

Aizen flew through the air, blood flowing from the wounds he shouldn't have had, his muscles working (or rather, _not _working) in ways they shouldn't have worked (or, again, not worked).

Komamura's… _No, Sosuke, not this time. Think of him as Dark Lord Stupid Plot Device, now. Do not, under any circumstances, think of him as Komamura because as far as reality is concerned he __**isn't**_… blade slammed into his own before he had even righted himself in the air, sending shocks up his aching arms. And his arms _should not have been aching_. He had trained for literally centuries to have arms that did not, would not ache. His muscles were nothing less than perfect. But now they were in pain, _shaking_, after only a scant few exchanges! It was _mortifying_.

Also, he might be killed. Which was unpleasant, yes.

Dark Lord Hardly Even Trying slashed his blade, the air literally tearing (Yes, literally. The air tore, and the space the blade passed through was a dull, lightless vacuum. Aizen was deeply annoyed… nothing like that had ever happened when _he _was swinging his sword as a villain, and he was pretty sure that he had been a better villain than this guy) as his strike hurled Aizen back through the skies.

_Unfair. So, completely unfair. Utterly so. I had to go through a lot of work to become a villain. I was literally plotting for decades, and this was_ _**after **__training my body and mind to superhuman levels for my entire afterlife. And yet this twit puts on a funny hat and suddenly he's the Master of All Evil? The universe truly is heartless. But I can do this! I'm the hero now, and if the universe has one immutable rule is that sufficient application of Heroic Willpower can overwhelm any other aspect of reality or common sense. Theoretically, defeat is impossible if I really, really don't want to be defeated. _

And he really, really didn't.

Aizen drew back his blade brilliant white light bursting into life around the edge as the power of Justice and Love and Other Assorted Heroic Things flowed through him. "Dark Lord Komamura!"

"Wolfington."

"_Whatever! _I have seen your dark heart, gazed upon your disastrous and poorly-animated works of evil! Your vile reign…"

"_Iiiiiif you wanna see some action…" _

"… Shall not…"

"_Gotta be the center of at-rac-tion!_"

"… be permitted! _**SUPER! AIZEN!" **_

"_Make sure that they got their eyes on you! Like a face that you'd see in a magaziiiiine!" _

"_**BUSTEEEEEEER!"**_

The bolt of justice, peace, love, and burning doom energy ripped through the skies, arcing toward Komamura like a shiny glowing missile. And indeed, it most likely would have killed Komamura.

Dark Lord Wolfington, who was most certainly not just Komamura wearing a mask, struck it aside with his bare hand.

The cheesy 80's music stopped playing.

"… … … wow." Aizen said. "I never realized how _annoying _that 'barehanded defense' is from the other angle."

Dark Lord Wolfington raised one hand, and said, "Ultra Wolf Gravity Crusher Bomb!" A swirling orb of pure black chaos erupted from the palm of his hand, blotting out the sun with absolute evil.

Aizen stared at this for a few moments in absolute silence, as the dark energy whirled madly through the air.

Finally, he said, "What the _Hell _does gravity have to do with wolves?"

Komamura shrugged. "The way I see it, that information is really more relevant to someone who _isn't _about to be hit with a giant black death-ball."

"… okay, you may have a point. But I maintain that wolf-gravity makes absolutely no sense. I mean, wolves don't _have _gravity powers."

Dark Lord Wolfington considered this briefly. "Well, let's consider this from a more logical perspective, then, if you're so adamant on this fact. You're a man of science."

"Well, of course. I'm always open to experimentation, study, analysis. They are, honestly, my passion." Aizen said. "I have far more concern and respect for the scientific method and the powers it can bring to those willing to work in…"

"If I hit you with this giant ball of gravity, and it doesn't hurt, then wolves don't really have gravity powers. But if it does hurt, then you're clearly wrong and I _do _have super wolf gravity powers." Dark Lord Wolfington said.

"… … … … I don't like this experiment." Aizen said.

Komamura threw his giant black doom sphere, and smiled. "I should have been a scientist."

Looking out through the hole in the wall at the explosion, pretty much everyone winced.

"Well, off-hand, things look pretty much over." Ulquiorra said.

"Shouldn't you be out helping him?" Matsumoto asked.

"Nah." Grimmjow said. "Honestly? We're all getting kinda bored. It seems like we've been doing this _forever_, y'know?"

"I feel like we've been going through this junk for like, four years." Ikkaku muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Grimmjow shrugged. "Whatever. My point is that we'd rather be home in Hueco Mundo, doin' Hollow stuff. You know. Eating people. Screaming. Wearing a mask. All the finer things in life."

"I wish to stay here as Lord Captain Hitsugaya's plaything." Halibel said.

"… … …" Hitsugaya said.

"For sexual purposes." She clarified.

"… … …" Hitsugaya said.

"There's black sheep in any group." Ulquiorra said diplomatically. "Not everyone wants the same things from their life. There are people who seek different things. Alternate paths of life."

"You're not making me feel better." Hitsugaya said.

"I was actually trying to make _myself _feel better, because she is horrifying me beyond my ability to put it into words." Ulquiorra admitted. "It didn't work, because the horror is still very much there."

"Yes. Yes it is." Hitsugaya said emphatically.

Halibel sighed. "So cute…"

"Halibel, don't make me change my mind about letting you stay here. You were doing so well."

"And so _forceful_." She purred.

"Even if you want us to take her back, we won't. She's all yours, pal." Grimmjow said.

Hitsugaya shuddered. Leaning out the hole in the wall, he shouted, "Hey, um… Dark Lord Komamura! Is Aizen defeated? Or dead? Either works for me, but I'm pretty sure the universe won't let you kill him. Permanently, anyway. Go ahead and try."

"… … … … ow…" Aizen said, from the bottom of the crater. He looked a bit like he'd been through a food processor… again… but he was not, apparently, dead.

Dark Lord Wolfington nodded. "Well, it looks like I have evil gravity powers. Who knew?"

"So he is alive? Darn." Hitsugaya said. "Well, at least we can probably get Ichigo off that machine, soon."

"So in other words," Yumichika said, "Everything is finally over!"

The silence was deep, and thick, and long.

"Why…" Hitsugaya rasped, the voice of a man who has not had water in many days. "Why would you say that? Why would you tempt fate in such a manner? Why do you paint a big goddamn bullseye on all our heads without a care in the world? Have you not been paying attention to _one damn thing that's happened to us lately?"_

Yumichika smiled. "You know all the snide insults, and all the torment, and the indignities you and your boob-woman have been heaping on me? Payback is a bitch, isn't it?"

Aizen also smiled, just a tiny bit. "Yes… yes it is… in fact, why… I think after all I have done, I deserve this. I should just give in to my foe's demands… since I and my allies have so little chance against this great and terrible threat…"

It was Matsumoto who realized the problem with this. "That… is not very heroic talk."

And it wasn't. Because for all his cleverness, Hitsugaya had failed to realize another, even more primal law of the universe than 'the villain always beats the hero the first time': that being the simple rule 'when the chips are down, and everything depends on him, Komamura mostly loses'. This continued to apply even if he was Dark Lord Wolfington, apparently.

Aizen's smirk grew. "_Ulquiorra_. _Turn off the Ichigo machine_."

What followed next was a period of extended silence as everyone except Ulquiorra tried to figure out what was going on, but it really wasn't that hard to figure out; which was why Aizen had asked Ulquiorra to do it. The other Espada might be flashier or more powerful, but when you got down to it? Ulquiorra was the one who actually got things _accomplished_.

And it took him slightly less than a second to piece together that turning off the machine while Aizen was unconscious would set the universe back to a world where heroism was back in the hands of the Shinigami, and the Hollows were the doomed villains again.

But turning it off while Aizen was _still at least partially functional…? _

The Arrancar's sonido broke him apart from the crowd before anyone else could react, and pale hand pressed against the darkened crystal construct from which the prone Ichigo was suspended. The ambient hum it released as it warped reality… ceased.

Sosuke Aizen, the Main Villain, stood, his wounds suddenly no longer seeming nearly so horrible as they had but moments ago. The blood was still there, but it seemed more… _red_, somehow. His motion as he came to his feet was smoother in some bizarre, unspeakable way.

He looked up at Komamura Wearing a Mask, who was in no way the Villain because that spot was quite filled, and smiled. "Now then. Shall we try this again?"

Five seconds later…

"BLARG!" Komamura screamed, falling to the floor in a shower of blood.

"Ah," Aizen, a Main Villain in a world where all the heroes who might be able to stop him were unconscious, said. "_Much _better."

The silence was thick indeed.

"Well… um…" Hitsugaya said. "We should run, maybe?"

"I don't think he's going to let us." Matsumoto whimpered, looking at Aizen's very much murder-filled smile.

"I don't either." Grimmjow said, smirking.

Hitsugaya turned to glare daggers at Ayasegawa. "You know he's going to kill you too, right?"

"Worth it."

"We'll see if you still think that in a second." Aizen practically purred. He then vanished.

Ayasegawa blinked. "I'm about to have a sudden change of heart, I th-" His words were cut off, then, along with a significant portion of his chest, as Aizen took some joy in his regained villainy by downing his second hero in less than a minute.

… if you count Ayasegawa as a hero.

"I find," Aizen agreed, "That a giant piece of steel to the chest is a _great _way to change anyone's heart. Or maybe that's just putting a hole in it, I can never remember."

"Extend! Hyozakim-" Ikkaku snarled.

"No." Aizen said, vanishing again, only to reappear behind the 3rd Seat and impale him through the back in a single swift motion. "No, I think we're not doing that. I think we are _done here_. I think we're not going Bankai or transforming or any of that garbage. I'm going to do what I should have done ages ago and just _gut you all like trout. _It's not like you can stop me, isn't that right? Main villain, and all. Halibel, you're next by the way."

Not bothering to attempt her Ressurecion, Halibel snapped her weapon from it's sheathe and made a very dedicated effort to remove Aizen's head. His own blade intercepted, but this was hampered by the sudden incoming blade from the other side of his guard; Rangiku offering unexpected, but even Halibel had to admit not unwelcome aid. The two women strained their arms to hold back even one of Aizen's hands, but for the moment they seemed to have immobilized him.

That moment was all Hitsugaya needed. The wave of ice slammed into Aizen, hurling him back against the wall, and leaving him encased in crystal from the neck down. Despite this, he continued to smile.

"Very good, Toshiro! Excellent teamwork, all of you." He said cheerfully.

Matsumoto and Halibel's eyes widened as gaping wounds appeared on each of their backs, seemingly from nowhere. Like puppets with their strings cut, they fell.

"I mean, you only caught an illusion, because you people constantly seem to forget I have you all hypnotized, but still, not bad." Aizen said, shimmering into view even as the false image 'trapped' in the ice faded away. "Wow. Four Shinigami and an Espada, downed in less time than it takes to say it. If we're being honest with ourselves, Toshiro? I really ought to just pull out my sword and kick the crap out of people more often. It's unusually satisfying, and it actually _works_, unlike all the plotting and scheming and all that meaningless time-wasting nonsense. I could have gotten all of this finished ages ago if I had just taken matters into my own hands! Granted, I doubt that you appreciate that, but only because I'm about to kill you."

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Even when you promise to shut up and kill me, you still have to take the time to give a damn prepared speech about it."

"It's a character flaw, I admit." Aizen said, stepping forward. "But nobody's perfect. I mean, you had the chance to run, and you didn't. That was a fairly enormous mistake."

A sword punched through his chest from behind.

"But if we'd run..." Gin whispered into his ear, "We wouldn't get to see you impaled and bleeding. It's such a great image, don't you agree? Also, you forgot about me."

"Did I?"

"... …. … you're about to tell me that you made an illusion over your _other, _previous illusion, so I just impaled another stupid damned Complete Hypnosis and you're going to hurt me a lot." Gin said. It was not a question.

"Well, I was thinking about saying that, but you've already put it so well, do I really need to?"

"I hate you. I hate you so, so m-" Gin said, just before he collapsed to the floor in a shower of blood.

"I never really gave enough of a damn about you to be able to say that." Aizen said. "Now, Toshiro. Where were we?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "You were making a big stupid speech, I was pretending to pay attention... honestly, I think I'd just given up on life. Again. Still. … are you going to stab me or not?"

Aizen shrugged. "I don't see why not."

There was one, final, impossible burst of motion. A silver blur snapped toward Hitsugaya's eyes, bringing death with it. There was no escape for him, no defense.

His hand snapped upwards and caught the sword.

"What..." Aizen said.

"...the..." Hitsugaya said.

"... _Hell?_" They finished together.

"How did you do that?" Aizen snapped. "There is no way you should have been able to do that!"

"I don't know! My hand just... moved by itself!" Hitsugaya said, still staring at the sword he was holding by the blade with not the slightest comprehension of how it had gotten there.

"This... this is..." Aizen stammered. "This makes no _sense! _And give me back my sword!"

"No! You're just going to stab me with it!" Hitsugaya said.

"You wanted me to!" Aizen said.

"I didn't want you to, I had just given up on life!" Hitsugaya said.

"Give up again, then!" Aizen said.

"No! I have magic sword catching powers! That's a good reason to live!" Hitsugaya said.

"Can I play?" Yachiru asked.

"Play _what_, that doesn't make any..." Hitsugaya began, before halting mid-sentence.

The silence was deathly. As one, all eyes turned to a small, pink-haired figure whom nobody had quite managed to notice approaching.

"Play your game! It looks fun." Yachiru said cheerfully.

"... what is _that _doing here?" Aizen asked in distaste.

"Didn't we leave you behind with Zaraki and Nel...?" Hitsugaya muttered.

"Who?" Yachiru asked.

"... … … … I think I hate you most of all." Hitsugaya said.

"Awwwww, but I love Shiro-chan!" Yachiru said.

"Don't call me that!"

"Call who what?"

"Call me Shiro-chan!"  
"Okay, I will! Hi, Shiro-chan!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Shiro-chan is funny when he screams." Yachiru giggled. "That's why I pushed the Shiro-chan button!"

The silence was beyond deathly. It was where death went to die. You could have heard a pin drop fifty miles away.

"The... _what_... button?" Aizen rasped, when anyone in the room could breathe enough to speak again.

"On the silly thing!" Yachiru giggled (Could she do anything at all without giggling?), pointing to the Ichigo Machine. "I went to poke it, because it was new! And there were lots of buttons, so I pushed the one for Shiro-chan because he's the funniest!"

"You... you... you... you figured out how to _reprogram it?_" Aizen gasped. "_HOW? _I _invented _it and I still need to use the manual to program in a new central focus!_"_

"Shiro-chan, yay!" Yachiru said, by way of explanation.

Hitsugaya considered this. "So... what you're saying, basically, is that _I'm _the main character, now? The hero?"

"No. No, you cannot possibly be! She cannot have managed to reprogram the machine just by... by poking a random button! It's _not possible!" _Aizen growled

"It's _Yachiru_." Hitsugaya reminded him.

"... _dammit_." Aizen said.

"And... if I'm the hero, you're still the villain. And the hero never beats the villain... _the first time they fight_."  
"Oh, Hell..."

"_This isn't the first time we've fought, Aizen."_

"Yes, I kn-"

For the second time that day, Aizen was blasted through the wall. Hitsugaya didn't even really have to do anything; he just kinda gestured and it _happened_. Perks of heroism, one supposed.

"... … … … … I really should learn to skip the arrogant speeches..." Aizen mumbled, laying flat on his back in the crater caused by him impact.

Hitsugaya smiled, and turned to the Espada. He spoke a single sentence. "Hey guys, remember those times we fought back in Hueco Mundo...?"

Hitsugaya had been a Shinigami for some time, and yet even he had never seen a portal to Hueco Mundo open so quickly, nor an Arrancar run for his life through it so very, _very _quickly.

"You going with them, or you staying here?" Hitsugaya asked errantly. Just to make it clear that he was happy with either option, he put one hand on his sword meaningfully.

Aizen stood, his body tensed for battle, murder in his eyes, power rippling around his body. He spoke, a voice filled with menace:

"Just because I'm running away _doesn't mean I didn't plan this_."

The Garganta closed behind him after he jumped through.

Hitsugaya's smile widened. "I think, deep down, I always sorta knew this would end on an anti-climax. "

"Nerd is silly." Yachiru observed.

"And you! I think this is probably the first time I've ever been happy to see you, Yachiru! And here I am, alive only because of your buffoonery. This makes up for everything bad you've ever done, Yachiru."

Yachiru's eyes widened. "Who's Yachiru?"

"... … … … this makes up for 1/3 of the bad things you've ever done." Hitsugaya said, after taking a bit of time to fight down The Rage.

"Yay!"

Hitsugaya turned toward his assorted bleeding allies. "Anyone conscious?"

"I am..." Ikkaku muttered.

Hitsugaya kicked him in the head.

Yachiru blinked. "I don't get it."

"I had to make sure. Aizen is beaten, we're all alive, nothing is happening, I had to make absolutely _sure _that nobody said anything stupid that made things keep going. Now do you get it?" Hitsugaya muttered.

"No, no." Yachiru said impatiently. "That's not what I don't get! I don't get how they get the cream inside of a cream puff. I mean, think about it! It makes no sense!"

"... … … Oh, just help me drag the bloody dying people to the infirmary." Hitsugaya muttered.

"Yay!"


	41. Chapter 41

**Epilogue: All Good Things...**

There had been, perhaps, more fire than most people had really hoped. Well, nobody really wants a _lot _of fire; in general, the preferred amount of fire is very little, and confined to a stove or fireplace, not rushing freely throughout a city.

All told, the end result of the past several weeks had been about fifty percent of the Officer's Corp in some intense need of therapy, two Division Barracks totally destroyed, several more wrecked, one redone with a variety of strikingly erotic artwork of Yoruichi Shihouin that pretty much everyone agreed would need to go in order to maintain a stable work environment but which a portion of the soldiery (the portion that thought Yoruichi was totally hot) was in no particularly large hurry to get rid of. In fact, Captain Kyoraku indicated he would like to keep some for his personal collection, to which Captain Soi Fon indicated she was seriously about five minutes from just stabbing his face, to which Captain Unohana looked at her somewhat sternly until she stopped.

She then made everyone apologize and hug, but also gave out cookies and milk.

* * *

But not all of the news was bad news. For instance, the Fifth Division had a brave new Captain, in the form of the oddly familiar Ing Uramihci. He was powerful, intelligent, and highly skilled in both swordplay and combat, which was unusual in that nobody had ever seen or heard of him. Certain cynical officers noted he bore a striking, some might say _suspicious _resemblance to the Traitor-Captain Gin Ichimaru, but when confronted about this, he would merely smile unsettlingly and remind the person asking that he clearly could not be Gin Ichimaru by virtue of the fact his name was different. The person, by this point, would remember the Gin Ichimaru was also a heartless killer, and would likely stop asking questions.

Not that he was Gin Ichimaru.

Because he wasn't.

His name was different, you see. Obviously, he couldn't be the same man.

And he smiled. Oh, did he smile.

* * *

In his home, Captain Byakuya Kuchiki set down his teacup after what may have been the longest dinner party ever held in Kuchiki Manor.

"I believe," He said calmly, "That nothing is happening outside."

"But I thought nothing was always happening outside?" Orihime asked.

"Of course, nothing was happening." Byakuya agreed evenly. "However, I now feel that _nothing _is happening."

"By which he means there appears to be no more fire." Rukia said. "Not that there ever was any fire."

"There was none." Byakuya agreed.

"Because nothing happened."

"At all."

"I certainly didn't see anything, I was eating this delightful cake."

"It _was _delightful."

"Very moist."

Orihime blinked. "... I'm confused. So... you're saying that nothing is happening, but _real _nothing, and not the nothing that was happening when we just said there was nothing happening? Or is that something?"

"Of course not, because we were never _pretending _nothing was happening." Rukia said primly. "Nothing was happening. And nothing ever _will _happen."

"Everything is calm and good, forever." Byakuya agreed. "But this nothingness is a more calm, profound nothingness that I feel should be appreciated. So we are now safe to go outside, exactly as we always _were _safe to go outside, but differently."

"... … … …" Orihime said.

"More cake?"

"... well, yes, but I should take it to go find Ichigo. It's been a few hours since I've seen him, which means he's probably gotten stabbed." Orihime said.

And even Byakuya had to admit that this had probably happened. Some things are things, even when they're nothing.

* * *

Captain Ing (who was not Gin Ichimaru) was not the only strange new recruit to be found in the Seireitei in recent days. A statuesque, dark-skinned blonde woman with a fondness for masks had recently taken on the position of Squad Ten's third seat. It was an odd arrangement in many ways, not the least of which in that she always wore a white mask over the lower half of her face, suggesting that she was, well, kind of a Hollow. However, as with Captain Ing (Not Gin, never Gin, shut up), she clearly couldn't be a Hollow as her name was, in fact, Tia Halibel Notahollow. With a family name so clearly above suspicion, she had to be trustworthy, right?

Another issue of contention was that her power was comparable, if not outright superior, to her own Division's Captain. And yet, remarks suggesting that she leave and take over a higher position were generally met with threats, if not outright violence. For whatever reason, the poor dear seemed perfectly, some might call _eerily_ content to be in a position that required her to spend large amounts of time following Captain Hitsugaya around and taking orders from him, many of which caused her to shudder and remark on his 'commanding presence' and 'piercing eyes like perfect sapphires'.

It had not gone unnoticed that she seemed to, some days, follow him around _more _than her position would require, and do things like... stare at him. From behind bushes.

There were many, however, who understood what was truly going on here, and these fortunate few smirked in envy and pride as they observed the situation, and spoke a single word that explained _everything _that was going on with perfect clarity to all who heard it.

"Hitsu-_playa_."

* * *

Sajin Komamura returned to his Captain duties the next day, despite his wounds. He was a great source of support and dignity for the people of the Seireitei, a shining example of what a Captain _should be_. Many were those who remembered his face and voice for the rest of their lives. Or at least until like, the next month, because realistically he only does a cool thing like once a year, tops.

And in his home, in the hidden cabinet behind his dresser, in a safe locked with a key that he carried on his person at all times, a slightly cracked black mask hung.

For now, it would remain there. In these days of peace and prosperity, an instrument of such darkness is of little value to anyone. But no peace can last forever. And who can say when there will again be a need to battle evil with... another sort of evil?

For now, Dark Lord Wolfington sleeps.

Tomorrow, who knows?

...

Yeah, okay, no, there's not going to be any more Dark Lord Wolfington.

Seriously, it was Komamura in a mask.

* * *

In the Darkness of Hueco Mundo, twelve figures sat in silence.

After what seemed like several hours, one of them spoke.

"Y'know, boss, I gotta say, it _really _doesn't seem like you planned any of th-"

"_Shut up_, Yammy." Aizen said.

* * *

There were a lot of people who needed beds, and not a lot of places to put them.

The 12th Division HQ had been destroyed by Godzilla, the 11th Division's had been destroyed in a 'mysterious and probably not Yachiru-related fire' (Fire report filed by Vice-Captain Kusajishi) and the 10th Division's had been destroyed in a 'fire that was highly unlikely to be Yachiru-related, so stop asking about it' (Fire report filed by Vice-Captain Kusajishi). The 1st Division HQ was currently in the process of being de-converted from its former state as the Divine Fortress of the Holy Yoruichi Empire.

This left four entire Divisions without a place to sleep. It was decided, given the _vast _quantity of people this left bedless, that each roomless Division should bunk with the Division that they best meshed with. Thus, the 1st Division would bunk with the second, as they were the two divisions most likely to kill someone for breaking the rules.

The 12th Division bunked with the 4th, as they were the most likely to cut a fellow Shinigami open (Granted, their reasons for doing so were different: the 4th Division would be cutting them open to give them life-saving surgery, while the 12th would be cutting them open just because). There were some concerns with the safety of the medics, but Captain Kurotsuchi was still hiding in a corner and rambling about tiny pink-haired demons, so it was assumed the risks would be minimal.

The 11th Division was sent to live in the woods.

As for the 10th Division...

* * *

Rangiku Matsumoto sat down and put her feet up on Captain Kyoraku's desk. "Yo, Shun-Shun. What's doin'?"

"... Shun-Shun?"

"I'm a guest, you have to be nice to me."

"I outrank you, and you're only a guest because I allowed your division to stay in my Barracks after yours burned down."

"I saved the Soul Society. From like, everything."

"You also endangered it. Repeatedly."

"Yeah, but it ended up with a net value of 'saved'. You can tell based on the fact it is still here."

"... all right, Shun-Shun it is."

"Good sport! That's why I like you."

"I thought you liked me because I'm one of like, three people in the entire Soul Society who can keep up with you in a drinking contest."

"Fun times." Matsumoto agreed. "So, just making sure, we are all set on rooms, and nobody is causing a ruckus? Third Seat Skanky Evil Bitch hasn't been making things hard on you?"

"She hasn't been making anything _anything _on me. She mostly just stalks Toshiro." Kyoraku said. "Which is a shame. Jushiro is still not talking to me, and I could use something to spend my free time."

"... what about doing work? Your responsibilities as Captain?" Matsumoto said.

There was silence for several minutes.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kyoraku and Matsumoto fell into helpless laughter.

"O-oh...HAHAHAHAHA! My responsibilities!" Kyoraku chuckled.

"Y-yeah, I can't believe I got that out with a straight face." Matsumoto said, wiping away a tear of mirth. "Work! Really, now!"

"Yeah, I never do any work." Kyoraku agreed. "I have Nanao for that."

"And I have my Capt..."

Silence again. Worrisome this time.

"You know... Shun-shun... I haven't seen Nanao around lately. _Or _my Captain." Matsumoto said uncomfortably.

"... Should we be worried by that?" Kyoraku asked.

"They... they wouldn't ditch us, right?"

"... ... ..."

"Right?"

* * *

Tia Halibel Notahollow hung from the window, her teeth clenched so hard the noise was audible, her fingers clenched into the stonework so hard they ledge was turning to dust beneath her hands.

She did this because of what she saw as she gazed into Captain Hitsugaya's temporary office.

Humming cheerfully, Hitsugaya put his stamp on the second page of form 1004-D and placed it in the pile. Instantly, the forms were cleared and the next set of forms, each bearing a Vice-Captain's seal and half-completed, were placed before him.

"Ready for the next set?" Nanao asked. "After this, we just have the requisition forms for new uniforms." The bespectacled Vice-Captain smiled. "I think it's a bit odd that we have two Division's worth of work to get done, but we're still finishing it faster than we used to. I guess that's just how it goes when you have a Captain and Vice-Captain who both do their job, huh?"

Toshiro Hitsugaya smiled, and began signing the stack of papers. "Yes. Yes, that is just. How. It goes."

The Universe is very cruel. Very, very cruel indeed. It kicks you when you're down, then kicks you again. It watches everything you do and tailors its actions to perfectly ruin your life in every way it possibly can, and it does all of this for fun.

But sometimes? If you keep playing the game, never give up for more than a few hours at a time, and if you put on a good enough show?

It can throw you a bone.

The paperwork was completed so, so very quickly.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**Wow. **

**This story was... I'm not really sure how to describe it. For the last four years, _Uninvited Guests_ has been there, in the background, a constant weight on my mind and shoulders, but also a constant joy to me. This story is what I wrote when I didn't want to write. What I took out of the box when I was just feeling _silly _and all I wanted to do was write whatever madness came to mind, whether or not it made any sort of sense at all. It was... fun. This was a fun story to write, and this is coming from me at a point in my life where writing is often starting to seem like a chore. And I think it showed, because a fun story to write would sensibly be fun to read, and this is by _far _the most popular story I've ever written. And now, after four years, the fun is over. **

… **Christ, four years. It really shouldn't have taken that long. I do apologize for that. I blame many things... laziness, loss of free time, loss of interest in _Bleach_. But in a way, it's a good thing, y'know? This story is like a time capsule. I think I'm going to re-read it myself, honestly, just to see for myself just how _much _my writing style has changed over such a long period of time. It should be fun, and mildly embarrassing. But hey, it's fun to walk down memory lane sometimes, right?**

**So... thanks, all. Every one of you who stuck out this whole, crazy ride (Though who knows how many of you made it _that _long. I bet a lot of the original readers who joined in Chapter One have since passed on of old age over the long centuries it took me to finish). Everyone who jumped on half-way. And thank you to every future reader who steps on after the ride is completed and gets to read it all the way through in one sitting. You've all been amazing, and this story would have been totally pointless without all of you there to enjoy it. Thank you for reading, thank you for all your kind words and support, and I hope to see you in the future on other projects!**

**Laters! **


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